Sex Made Easy (3 page)

Why is he holding a baby bottle nipple in between his legs?
I wondered, not realizing that boys' parts were different from girls' parts and that what he was holding wasn't a baby bottle nipple at all but his five-year-old penis.

I kept staring, confused at the curious placement of this baby bottle, when one of the girls at my table said, through her giggles, that it was his penis (though she probably called it something like “wee wee” or “wiener”). As much as I adore penises now, at the time there was nothing in me that clamored for more penis sightings or thought that this penis thing was great. It looked weird to me—and definitely more like a baby bottle nipple than a body part.

Early experiences looking at my own genitals were surprising, though I don't ever remember thinking of them as “weird” (curious and puzzling, yes, but not in a bad way). As a child, I remember looking at and touching my genitals out of curiosity and to “de-fuzz” them. Specifically, I recall touching my clitoris, even though at the time I definitely didn't know its name or what it was for. All I remember is that, for some reason, I was looking at it while sitting on the family room sofa and I noticed that there were cotton fuzzies (from my underwear) stuck in the folds of my clitoris and I was trying to get them out. I recall that this funny, wrinkly looking body part was sensitive to touch, and I thus had to de-fuzz it very carefully—almost as carefully as the time I tried to remove the pink sticky bubble gum I'd accidentally dropped from my mouth onto my black Persian cat's furry head (poor thing).

When my mom walked in on my careful and conscientious de-fuzzing, I think she asked what I was doing or told me not to touch down there or
that it was dirty to touch myself there or something along those lines. Her reaction wasn't mean; I think she was simply surprised to walk in and find me de-fuzzing my clitoris (and who can blame her? I was doing this on the family room sofa!). Now, in my work as a sex educator, I regularly hear similar stories from parents of young children: parents whose daughters absentmindedly touch their genitals while reading the Sunday comics, or who rub against their security blanket because, they say, it makes them feel “happy.” These parents wonder how to respond to their kids and ask if they should ignore these instances or use them as “teachable moments” to teach their daughters and sons about their bodies. (In case you find yourself in a similar situation as a parent, common advice is to respond by saying something like “That's okay to do, but you should do it somewhere private, such as in your bedroom or in the bathroom.” This acknowledges the behavior, yet doesn't suggest that self-touching is dirty or shameful, only that it is better done in private.)

In my case, it would be many years before I learned more about women's and men's genitals, including how to love and appreciate these body parts for what they are and what they have the potential to do and feel. Many years after the childhood de-fuzzing incident, when I was a teenager, I checked my vulva out simply because I was curious about it and my vagina (though I didn't know what a vulva was and how it was different from my vagina until my early twenties). By my late teens, I had heard a great deal about sex and I wondered how it was all supposed to happen, this penis-in-the-vagina business. Looking in a mirror, I noticed how small my vaginal opening looked and wondered how a penis was ever supposed to fit inside there one day. I had no immediate plans for intercourse; I was simply curious.

Given my own personal experiences and my later experiences working as a sex educator, hearing from so many young and adult women who have questions about their bodies, I believe that we (educators, parents, and teachers) should do a better job of giving young women helpful information about their bodies. If they are educated, they won't have to wonder about or be afraid of how their vagina will manage childbirth (remember the story about my grandmother from the introduction?), tampon use, or
vaginal intercourse. The ways vaginas can lubricate and expand seems like good information to share with young women and men. As a fourth grader, I recall being fascinated to learn how the lungs, heart, kidneys, pancreas, liver, and other body parts work; that doesn't mean I was determined to put what I learned to the test. Perhaps teaching young women and men how vulvas, vaginas, penises, and scrotums work would be of value too. Then maybe fewer of us would be fearful, ashamed, or, as Chelsea Handler put it,
disgusted
when we check out our genitals. Maybe we would even celebrate them.

W
hether you call your vulva “down there,” “pussy,” or—like Chelsea Handler—your “coslopus” (a name I can never remember; it sounds too much like the
Sesame Street
character Snuffleupagus), I hope you call it something. I also hope you check it out from time to time.

If you haven't seen your vulva very often, or if you've seen it but aren't sure you know all the part names, let's take a quick tour. And in case the word “vulva” is new to you, it refers to a woman's external genitals, the parts a woman can see when she's naked and her legs are apart, like what the doctor sees during a GYN (gynecology) exam. Try using it in a sentence like this:

• “I love my vulva.”

• “My boyfriend loves licking my vulva.”

• “The clitoris is my favorite part of my girlfriend's vulva.”

• “The masturbation sleeve I bought my husband looks like a vulva.”

• “
The Vagina Monologues
isn't just filled with vagina stories—there are plenty of vulva stories in there too.”

• “Every month, I examine my vulva to make sure things are healthy and happy down there.”

Now back to our guided tour. Although you can follow along with our diagram, you can also follow along with your own vulva if you have one (or if your ready-and-willing partner has one). Got a vulva? Good. That plus a well-lit space and a mirror will make it easier to give yourself a tour.

Starting at the top is the mons pubis, which might have a triangular tuft of hair—or at least it usually has hair, though some women shave or wax off their pubic hair. The mons can be seen when you're standing around naked. To see the rest of the vulva, slightly open your legs. Get a mirror and make sure you have decent light. There at the top is the clitoral hood. Between the hood and the glans clitoris (what most people just call “the clitoris” even though there's a lot more to the clitoris that's inside the body; the clitoris has two branches that extend several inches inside the
body and that may be stimulated during vaginal intercourse) is the part where
smegma
and other things, like fuzzies from cotton underwear, sometimes get stuck. Smegma is made by women's and men's bodies and often hides out in the folds of the genitals. It's basically a collection of skin cells and oils produced by the body and may look white or grayish. It's a totally normal bodily production and nothing to be ashamed of. Think of it as the vagina's version of eye crusties or ear wax; we all make it.

Framing the
vaginal opening
(which may look very small even if you've had vaginal intercourse or delivered a baby) are two sets of labia, also called vaginal lips. The
labia majora,
also called the
outer lips,
usually have hair on the outer side and are hairless on the inside. They may be larger or smaller than the
labia minora
(also called the
inner labia
), which are hairless. Some women have such tiny inner labia that they can barely even see them. Other women have inner labia that, when they stand up, are long enough to hang below the outer labia. Every woman is different and no labia setup is better or worse. The inner labia often have several shades of color to them: shades of pink, red, lavender, brown, gray, or black. Like many flower petals (for example, orchid petals), it's common for the labia to be framed with darker edges, giving them a pretty, textured appearance. Your labia are your labia: they don't get bigger or smaller no matter how much sex or masturbation you engage in. They may, however, grow slightly larger during sexual arousal as blood flow increases to them. Woman's inner labia may also grow larger during pregnancy, thanks to hormonal changes and increases in blood flow. And with advanced age, they may grow smaller or more wrinkly, like other body parts. Other than these normal developmental changes, labia are what they are and they're a little different for each one of us.

Below the vaginal area is the
perineum,
which is the area in between the bottom of the vaginal entrance and the anal opening. The perineum feels sensitive for some women. For some, this sensitivity may be uncomfortable, particularly if they have had scar tissue develop in the perineal area because there has been tearing from childbirth or an episiotomy (a surgical procedure that involves cutting the perineum during birth).

A
s wonderful as the vulva has the potential to be, it can also be quite sensitive. A woman's estrogen supply helps keep the vulva and vagina strong. When a woman has lower levels of estrogen due to menopause, breastfeeding, or various health conditions, her vulva and vagina may be more prone to tearing. Certain genital skin conditions can also make a woman's vulva more prone to tearing, including tearing during sex. Women who tear frequently during sex would be wise to mention this to their health care provider, who can investigate whether this is a result of lack of estrogen or some other health issue.

In addition to small cuts and tears, women also sometimes notice lumps and bumps on their genitals—as do many men. In most cases, these lumps and bumps aren't anything to worry about. Some are moles, just like the moles that may be found on other body parts. Small bumps can also result from mild razor burn or irritated hair follicles, and often heal quickly on their own. In some cases, however, a bump may be a genital wart, caused by strains of the human papillomavirus (HPV). In very rare cases, a bump on the vulva may be a sign of vulvar cancer. By performing monthly vulvar self-examination (VSE, which basically entails checking out each of your vulva parts at least once each month), you can increase your chances of catching tricky things early.
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As with any other body part, if you let your health care provider know about any lumps, bumps, itchy spots, or changes in skin color that you find on your vulva (such as white or dark patches of skin), you'll be in a better position to get help early.

N
o matter what you read in magazines or hear from your friends, let me be clear: there is no one dominant “everybody's doing it” pubic hairstyle. How do I know this? Because my research team at Indiana University was one of the first groups to do a study on the topic and it involved asking more than twenty-four hundred women in the US about their pubic hairstyles.
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