Authors: Nicola Haken
“I don’t- I mean- well…
why?
” she asked, struggling to summon the million-dollar question.
“To distract myself.
To
feel
something.
To punish myself… Julie I’ve kept so much from you and I’m so, so sorry,” I admitted, slamming my head into my hands and sobbing violently into them.
We sat huddled together on the stone floor for over an hour while I explained in agonising detail the true extent of my father’s depravity. I’d always expected her to pity me, or judge me, or challenge my reasons for never reporting him. I’d thought often about telling her everything over the years, and every time the look of repugnance I envisioned on her face made me bottle out.
I’d always assumed she’d… fuss – change the way she saw me. I know that sounds selfish but I couldn’t have dealt with her feeling sorry for me, or feeling bad for not being there for me, or her too wishing she could’ve saved me. But, when the time came, when she found out in all holy detail who I really was… she simply listened.
“How did I never see it? How did I never notice my best friend was barely keeping herself alive for all those years? I’m so sorry, Amy.”
“No, Julie. Please don’t think like that. You didn’t see it because I didn’t want you too. I’m a good liar when I need to be,” I admitted shamefully.
“I’m so glad Richard found you that night, and that he saw what a wonderful girl was hiding away inside of you,” Julie said, letting go of my hand just long enough to wipe a tear from her face. I nodded weakly. “Do you love him?” she asked out of the blue, taking me unawares.
“What? Of course I do.”
“Then why do you look so sad whenever I mention him?” I stuttered for a few seconds before giving up. Instead I thought about it for a while. She was right. It was only in that moment I realised just how much my chest ached whenever I thought about him. I’d always assumed it was because I missed him when we were apart… but it was more than that.
It was fear.
“I guess I’m just waiting for him to give up on me,” I admitted honestly for the first time – both out loud and to myself.
“Amy, he
adores
you. I could tell the second I saw you both together. Stood behind you when you first saw me in the bar yesterday, seeing how happy you were… I swear I thought he was going to cry. He looked so… proud. Has he given you any reason to doubt him?”
“No,” I admitted. “But it’s not even really about him. He’s a good man - I know that. But me… I’m a failure. I’ve never succeeded in anything I’ve ever set out to do. I’m insecure. I’m jealous. I feel like I need him so much, like I’m so afraid of what would happen if I lost him… that I feel almost possessive of him. I’ll screw it up, Jules, I know I will.”
“Look here,” she ordered, shuffling round until she was facing me. “You’re not a failure, Amy. I don’t know how you can even think that after everything you’ve just told me. You’ve never been given a chance to succeed before now… but you will. You’ve got Richard behind you. You’ve got
me
behind you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you for all those years, Amy… but I’m here now and Richard or no Richard – you will
never
be alone again. Got it?”
“Thank you, Julie. I’m sorry for not trusting you sooner. I was just… ashamed I guess.” I looked her directly in the eyes for the first time since I face-planted the sidewalk. “I love you so much, girl.”
“You better. I mean I
am
pretty damn awesome,” she agreed with a teasing wink. “And remember, if you screw it up… I’ll always be here to help you iron it back out again.” I smiled gratefully, awestruck by just how amazing she was. How did I never realise that before now? I vowed in that very moment, to never take Julie for granted again.
“You’re safe now, Amy. And you’re loved incredibly. Hold on to that for me, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, falling into her open arms and letting her sway me from side to side. “We’d better get going I suppose,” I said reluctantly, standing up for the first time since I fell.
“Thank Christ for that. I’m pretty sure my ass died about twenty minutes ago.” Julie laughed and then we walked hand in hand to hail two separate cabs. Tears burned the back of my eyes when they pulled up in front of us. I didn’t want to say goodbye – I missed her already.
“I’m
gonna
miss you so much,” I whispered in her ear, squeezing her tightly one last time.
“You’ll hear from me every day in some form or other. I’m never letting my girl down again.”
“Julie you-”
didn’t let me down…
“Shh,” she silenced me. “Take care, Amy.” She gave me a peck on the cheek and then wiped my tears from her lips. I nodded and watched sorrowfully as she turned and climbed into the back of her cab.
“I’ll try,” I whispered to nobody when her cab pulled out into the road.
We never did have that smoke…
Shit.
As the cab pulled up outside the
hotel which
was twinkling like a palace in the dark of the night, I remembered I had no purse. Therefore I had no money to pay my fare, no key card to get me inside and get some, and no cell to call Richard. Embarrassed by my predicament, I asked the driver to wait while I scuttled over to the night concierge guarding the grand, glass doors and explained
“That’s no problem, ma’am. Leave it with me and I’ll get reception to add it to your husband’s bill.”
Husband?
The word rang deliciously in my ears and I didn’t correct him. Instead, I picked my heart back up off the floor and headed straight for the elevator.
“Goodnight ma’am,” the lift attendant said, courteously removing his cap when we reached the top floor. I felt like royalty. Smiling, I nodded in acknowledgement.
After removing my shoes,
again
, I walked to the end of the long corridor to our suite. Without my key I knocked on the door – possibly a little harder and louder than intended. The door swung open almost immediately and Richard was already walking away from it. He didn’t speak a single word.
Confused and a little nervous, I followed him cautiously inside, kicking the door closed behind me.
“Is everything okay?” I asked warily, keeping my distance.
“You tell me…”
What?
Was it the fact I’d arrived back so late – or
early
.
The smoking perhaps?
Could he smell it?
“Good night?” he asked curtly, sounding as if he meant something entirely different.
“Richard what’s wrong? What have I done?” I shrank back a little further, dropping my shoes on the floor. My voice quaked and tears were scratching at the corners of my eyes.
“You forgot this.” He held out my purse.
So?
“And this…” Then he pulled out a little pouch of white powder.
Holy-mother-fucker-from-hell.
I recognised it instantly. It was the gear Leon pushed on me after I left the hospital. Too busy becoming accustomed to my new impossibly wonderful life, I’d forgotten all about hiding it away in the lining of my bag.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
“I can explain,” I mumbled, waving him off with my hand. This was a simple misunderstanding and once I explained, everything would be fine. Richard trusted me. Didn’t he? “It really isn’t what it looks like,” I added before a nervous chuckle escaped from my throat.
“You think this is fucking funny?” he yelled across the room, startling me. He was mad.
Really
mad.
I didn’t like it. Shaking my head, I walked tentatively towards his hostile body,
desperate
to feel his arms around me.
“Don’t,” he scolded firmly when I reached out to touch him.
“Richard,
please
.” The tears had found their escape route and I furiously tried to wipe them from my face but they were falling too fast – I couldn’t keep up. “It’s been in there for months, I swear it. I would never lie to you… I couldn’t.”
Richard was risking friction burns to his forearm if he rubbed it any harder. His breathing was harsh, his eyes wide, back stiff… He was so angry with me. I was… frightened.
“Please, Richard,” I begged again. “What do you want me to do? I’ll do anything. Please!” I’d turned into a pathetic and desperate mess, and when I grabbed onto his shoulders, he pushed me away.
“I thought we were past this. HOW COULD YOU, AMELIA!” he roared, his face just inches from mine. Instinctively I cowered, shielding my face with my forearms.
“Shit. No, Amy, please, no, shit… Amy I would never-” Dropping my purse, he clasped his hands together as if he were praying.
I backed away from him. I was scared, bewildered and unbearably alone. My heart was trying to escape through one of the small gaps between my ribs. My pulse was throbbing, violent and painful in the back of my head. Richard – my constant, the only confidante I’d ever had – was gone. We were in the same room but he couldn’t have been further away.
I had no one.
Again.
After snatching my bag from the floor beside his feet I turned sharply towards the door. His firm hand grabbed my shoulder and I automatically flinched at the contact.
Not again.
I was never supposed to feel that kind of fear again. He promised me. He…
saved
me.
And I fucked it up just like I knew I would.
“Amy no…
please
.
I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry.” He removed his hand from my shoulder and surrendered them both in the air. I heard him choke back a sob but I ignored it. I needed to escape. I couldn’t deal with the mass of unruly emotions churning deep inside my stomach. I was stunned, confused and beyond hysterical. I needed out…
I opened the door and ran… Barefoot, I bypassed the elevator and headed hastily for the stairs.
“Amy!” Richard called after me – his voice piercing my tear-ducts… and my heart. But I kept going until his voice was a distant whisper. When I reached the lobby I picked up my pace, ran straight towards the revolving glass doors and out into the darkness.
I
collapsed onto some large ornate rocks hidden between some shrubs at the back of the hotel. It was dark, cold and unfamiliar. Sinking my face into my hands I let my tears flow fast and freely into them.
Why are you so surprised?
My malevolent subconscious was back with a vengeance and the worst part was, it was talking sense. Of course Richard was always going to assume the worst. How could he not? He could only judge me by how I’d behaved so far in my pointless life. Maybe, despite what he’d said in the past,
he
was always expecting me to let him down too.
I was lost in every sense of the word. What would I do now? Had I left him? Had he left me? Should I talk to him or arrange my own way home?
Wait… I didn’t have a home.
I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them close, balancing on the rocks and swaying myself back and forth. Within seconds my eyes were drawn to a piece of jagged, sharp-looking stone sticking out from the dirt. Picking it up, I twiddled it between my fingers. I was almost certain it would be sharp enough to bring the relief, the distraction I was so urgently craving.
No!
I threw the shard of rock into a wall behind me and shrank back down onto the cold stones. How could I ever prove myself to Richard if I succumbed to such destructive behaviour? That was if he even gave me a chance to prove myself. Did I even want that chance? I didn’t know what I wanted anymore.
My purse vibrated against my knee. When I flipped it open my ringing cell illuminated the contents as
Richard Calling
flashed intermittently on the screen. I hovered my thumb over the little green telephone. Part of me ached to hear his voice – ached to be comforted, to be told everything would be okay. But a stronger, hurt part of me wouldn’t allow it, and so I waited until the vibrations had ceased and the light dimmed down before closing my bag.
The vibrations started up again immediately after.
Then again… and again.
Guilt invaded my veins and I answered straight away before I had chance to talk myself out of it – or check who it was.
“Amy is that you?” It was Bethany – Richard’s little sister. Her sweet, timid voice was instantly recognisable. I bolted from the rocks in a panic. She had
never
called me before and it must be almost 2 AM back in Seattle.
“Yes, it’s Amy. What’s wrong Bethany? Has something happened?”
“That’s what I wanted to ask you. Are you with Richard? I can’t get hold of him.”
Am
I with Richard?
“Um, he’s sleeping,” I lied. “He’s okay though. Why shouldn’t he be?”
“No particular reason I guess. It’s just… he always calls home on Kate’s anniversary. Today he didn’t,” she murmured dejectedly and I could hear the threat of tears invade her voice.
It was the anniversary of Kate’s death? I briefly wondered why no one had mentioned it, especially when Vivienne and Bethany came to visit just last week. It explained so much. Or did it? Was it really an excuse for him not to trust me? But then, had I even been with him long enough to earn that privilege?
A sniffle in my ear pulled me out of my untimely musing.