Rock and Roll Never Forgets (The Rock and Roll Trilogy) (26 page)

“
What?” She ran her fingers through her hair, remembering that she hadn
’
t given it that final brush.

He grinned and took another sip of the coffee.

“
What?”

“You’re beautiful,” another sip of coffee…
“
You look a lot like Reba McEntire,” he said looking over the top of the cup.

“
Oh, I do not,” she laughed
.

“
Yeah,” he laughed easily, “you really do. Did I tell you I like those highlights in your hair?
”

Changing the subject she asked,
“
What are we doing?”

“
Going for a ride, I
’
m not sure where. Don
’
t fuss too much I rented a convertible. It
’
s a beautiful day, and the top is down, so let
’
s go.”

Andy topped his coffee off, Beth grabbed her purse and sunglasses and out the door they went, Andy with the coffee cup still in hand.

It was as beautiful a day as he had indicated, and the top down made it even more enjoyable. As always with Andy the speed was fast and the music loud. Direction told her he was head
ing
toward the beach. They drove south for a while until he found a secluded place and parked. They got out and walked. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky. It was warm for November, even in Florida. They walked for a while, and then he took her hand and she didn
’
t pull it away.

After they had walked for a while she turned to Andy and asked;
“
Now what?”

“
I don
’
t know Bethy, you call the shots.” He stopped walking and turned to face her, “I know what I want. What I hope. What I pray for, but I won
’
t pressure you.” He paused, gazing into her eyes. “You
’
re the one in charge.”

They walked again, further, and again in silence. Beth stopped and slipped her hand from his, bent down and picked up a shell to fiddle with. She hoped it would settle her nerves. She looked out at the water, it was exceptionally blue. A light breeze blew as a sea-gull flew over.

“
I
’
m terrified Andy,” she said honestly. She stood for a moment basking in the quiet lull of the waves. “Part of me says ‘go, but cautiously,’ ‘go slow,’ but I don’t think either of us is capable of that.” She said without looking at him, she couldn’t.

He looked at her and asked, “What’s the other part say?”

“The other part says run like hell!” 

“Don’t listen to that part,” Andy laughed.

She turned to him after a while and asked, “Can we go slow Andy? Can you? Because I don’t know if I can.”

He sat down on the sand and rested his elbows on his knees as he looked out over the water. “I won
’
t push you. I don
’
t want to scare you away. Slow and easy if that
’
s what you want, what you need, Bethy. I
’
ll try,” he said.

She sat down with him. They sat there drinking in the beauty of the day, watching the waves breaking before them. They sat quietly for a long time. Every once in a while he would turn slightly and look at her, never making eye contact. Finally he turned and pulled her to him, a hug, just her in his arms. Then he rose and took her hands, and pulled her to her feet. They walked back to the car in silence and drove down the coast for about an hour. There was a breeze whipping through the car, some music playing but no conversation.

Andy found a little English Pub and they went in for fish and chips. The crowd was mostly older folks, so they felt sure they could enjoy the time with little interruption. It was nice, the conversation was pleasant and the company good. The men had a game of darts in progress. When they finished dinner
,
Andy asked if he could join them for a few rounds. He was having a great time. They were all laughing and the men loved every bit of it
.
Finally, Andy told them he needed to go. They begged him to stay, he looked toward Beth. They followed his gaze, laughed and told him to “go” but to come again soon.

They drove back to the condo in silence. When they walked up Andy took a key out of his pocket and mindlessly put it into the lock. It seemed a very natural act.

“
I guess I didn
’
t remember that you still had that,” Beth said as he did.

He looked down at the key.
“
Been on my key ring for like fifteen years,” he pushed the door open. They walked into the living room and he sat down as Beth fixed them something to drink.

“
I
’
ll be honest Bethy, there were a million times I thought about just getting here and putting the key in the door and letting myself in. I wanted to, but I didn
’
t. I wanted you so much, but I respect you more. I
’
m so
happy
here
with you
.”

Beth just looked at him. He was sitting there on the sofa looking just like he had the first time he’d come there, older, but the same. Fifteen years? Had it really been that long? Part of her couldn
’
t remember a day without him, and another part remembered every single second
.

Thinking that she needed to lighten the moment, “It’s just as well that you didn’t,” she laughed. “I bought a gun a while back, Pops suggestion. And I learned how to use it.”

“
You
’
d have known it was me,” he laughed.

“
That
’
s exactly what I meant,” she replied, and they both laughed.

He patted the sofa beside him. She hesitated, but he patted again and said
“
Bethy
”
and she went. She sat beside him and he pulled her to him. He wrapped her in his embrace, and once again, in his arms is where she belonged.

They went to the bedroom and crawled into the bed and held each other.

Andy stayed in town, and they spent every minute possible together. He would be there for coffee in the morning and lock Beth in at night. He would call later and they shared those late night phone calls like they had done for so many years. Beth continued to work. Andy did too. It was a beautiful time, and slowly they rolled back into their relationship. It was good. Beth loved him so much that she thought she could endure anything
.

Maybe it
’
s true the third time and all.

They were happy and it seemed enough. Her family wasn’t thrilled, especially Pops, but she knew they loved her and would try to understand any decision she made. She decided with Andy was where she belonged, again
.

177

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Chapter Twenty
~
One

N
ovember 22, 1993
~
We spent a month together and I resigned my position with the
Cancer Foundation to share my t
ime with Andy
,
once again. It
’
ll
be different this time.

T
hey went to Eleuthera the day before Thanksgiving, just the two of them. The cottage was, once again, their haven. It was beautiful; cool nights, warm days. Beth would wake in the morning, start coffee and go to the beach to walk. Quiet, peaceful solitude… She never wanted to leave. In that place there weren’t the same challenges as back in the states. There, they were only Andy and Beth. It was just the two of them. They had each other, no one else
.

They stayed through the holidays, and the gift they gave each other was only their hearts. No paper or bows to rip into, just themselves, bound together once again. They stayed seven heavenly weeks. But the reality of Andy’s life, the real world beckoned. He had obligations.

~ ~ ~

In mid-January, they returned to Florida. Beth packed to go with him to Corpus Christi. She took only a few suitcases, just some of her clothes and a few things. She wanted to be sure. She had been with him again for three months and it was good, maybe the best they had ever been. She thought she could handle anything because she was with Andy again. But being back at the house was difficult. It was as she had left it only without her things. It looked bare. It was a house, no longer a home, and it felt cold and sad.

Andy was busy. He was preparing to release
Memories
in March. “I Miss You
”
was the first single released, and went quickly to number one. The two of them shared as normal a life as someone in his profession could. He was working with a new band on the final tweaks, and they worked in the studio at home to stay close. Andy worked very hard to make it easy for Beth. He came to the house for dinner every evening. He came in for lunch when he could, or she would take it to the studio. She knew he was trying to keep it as normal as he could, and she appreciated it
.

But, as the time drew nearer, and she knew Andy’s preparations were in the works to get out on the road to promote the album, it became a laborious struggle. She tried very hard to roll back into the routine of what had been their life together. It wasn’t a struggle being with Andy. That part was good, really good. And that made the rest even harder. It was the lack of privacy that she realized she could no longer deal with.
Photographers caught their every move, a
nywhere and everywhere they went
, they were there.
She was back in pictures with Andy in magazines with headlines like
“
Together again, again…”
“
One more time for Golden Eye and Bethy”,
“
How long will it last this time?”

It was maddening to her.

~ ~ ~

April 1
2, 1994  ~
I stayed at the house alone far more than I wanted because of all the attention. My life had become hell, total utter hell… It was my personal nightmare. Staying at the house made me sad; it didn
’
t feel like home, I felt lost there. It felt more like a prison. We couldn
’
t go anywhere without having to address that we were a couple again. Andy was fine with it, he was just so happy we were together again. But suddenly it was haunting me and I hated it. It was overwhelming and consuming.

Finally it erupted. We were having dinner. Andy had been in meetings all day about the tour. He planned them at the studio to stay close. He was trying so hard, but I had been alone with too much time to think. I walked around the house and remembered, and as the day wore on it all just kind of festered. He was excitedly telling me about all that was going on and sudden
ly, the walls came crashing in.

“
It never stops,” she said, in a quiet voice.

“What sweetheart?” He looked up as he asked, and when he did his expression turned to one of alarm.

“The attention,” she said. “I stay here, in the house because I don
’
t want to deal with it. I can
’
t go anywhere, can’t get gas in the car without someone approaching me.”

“
It’s new, they
’
ll get over it,” he said cautiously as he ate.
“
Soon it
’
ll be old news and they
’
ll move on.”

“
Will they?” She pushed her plate aside. With her elbows on the table and hands clasped, as in prayer, she rested her head. Several minutes passed.

She got up and began pacing. She looked around. It wasn
’
t her home any more, it was Andy
’
s. The part of her that had once been there was gone. Where? She didn
’
t know. There was no part of her still there. She was a visitor in his home, and suddenly, it felt that way. Realizing that nothing would ever be the same again, it overwhelmed her with emotion.

“I don
’
t know Andy. Soon you
’
ll be touring again and if I go with you
,
like you want
,
we
’
ll deal with new crowds, different ones, more stories, more pictures. It won
’
t just be us.” Still pacing she said, “I can
’
t stay here and if I go home I
’
ll be a prisoner.”

She turned to him and the tears came in a flood. She broke. It was a meltdown.
“
I can
’
t do it.” She sat down in the middle of the floor, sobbing.

“
Bethy, you can. You have, and you can again. We can.” He got up and went to her, pulling her to her feet, wrapping her in his arms, kissing her forehead
.

“
No Andy, I can
’
t.” 

“
Don
’
t cry sweetheart, we can deal with this, together.” He stroked her hair and pulled her closer.

“
Don
’
t baby me. I’m telling you, I can’t deal with it anymore, Andy.”

She pushed back and looked at him. She looked in his eyes, those eyes that she thought held her future, and she finally knew that what she wanted, what she needed, would never be there; commitment and security
.

“I don
’
t want to anymore. I want to go home.”

“
Your home is with me,” he said.

“
No Andy, my heart is with you. My home is back in Florida, where my things are. There is a big difference. I need to go home, where my family is, where my work is. I want to go back.”

“
So we
’
ll go, pack your things, and get them back here. Then everything will be better. We’ll get you settled and then we
’
ll leave for the tour. You
’
ll feel better in a day or two.”

He had it all worked out, but she didn
’
t.
“
No! You
’
re not hearing me!” she shouted.
“
I can
’
t go with you. I don
’
t want to go. I just want to go home!” 

She wasn
’
t shouting now, it was a tiny whisper of a voice that said, “I just want to go home.”

Clearly hurting, he asked her;
“
What does that mean for us?
”

“
I don
’
t know Andy. I just want to go home before I lose myself completely.”

And the last headline she saw about herself read;

“
Bethy throws in the towel!
”

~ ~ ~

May 2, 1994 ~ It
’
s a gypsy lifestyle. Traveling all the time, living in hotels, out of suitcases, eating out every meal, and harder still are the hours that you keep. Sleep all day, work late, play all night. But worse, was the lack of privacy. I just couldn
’
t do it any longer. He wasn
’
t traveling with the Traveler guys this time. There would be no Dina, no Nathan, just Andy and a crew and band he was working with for the tour that I barely knew. They had a brotherhood, with each other, that musician
’
s bond. I would be alone. It was hard and it wasn
’
t what I dreamed of. I missed my family, and friends. Add to that the fact that I was always on edge wondering what came next
.

I realized, suddenly, the other things I missed. I never got cards from him on holidays and as silly as that sounds, it was something I realized that I needed. Valentine
’
s Day came and went many times, and I remember one birthday celebration in all those years, and suddenly all the ones that didn
’
t happen began to hurt. I was ready for home and family. Andy never headed that direction. I was ready for marriage and he wasn
’
t talking, and I knew not to try to change him.

So, that last headline was probably right. I was
‘
throwing in the towel.
’
I gave up and went home. This time it was my doing, and it hurt far more than I can ever express, but it hurt Andy more. I left him at the airport crying. I saw his tears but I couldn
’
t look back. I had to go. It had to be forward… forward motion. There could be no turning back this time.

~ ~ ~

Beth went back to Florida and into seclusion to let things die down. Andy called daily, she finally asked him to stop. It was more than she could bear. His emotions only made it worse. He begged, he pleaded, he promised, he cried, he postponed the tour. But she needed a normal life, no photographers, no TV, no travel. And if that meant being without him then that
’
s what she had to do. She loved him more than ever, but she knew that she couldn
’
t live that kind of life any more. She was tired, mentally and physically
.

For three months she barely left her home. Her family came in, Kimmy came, and slowly she got it back together. Rick called early on to let her know that he was thinking of her. It was a kind gesture and she appreciated it.

~ ~ ~

Andy received a letter from Beth not long after she left and he read it over and over. He could feel her pain, taste her tears and live her sadness.

May 20, 1994

My Dear, Dear Andy,

I
’
m not sure I know where to begin. I don
’
t know what happened, really. Maybe it was that all of a sudden I had an
ah-
ha moment, the final straw, my epiphany
.

I realized how much I love you, and I always will, but I can
’
t live this life anymore, everything about us being public, no real privacy, every move scrutinized. I just can
’
t do it anymore. I can
’
t.

There is no one else, just me, and only me, if that is what you are wondering. There is, and always will be, only you. My life, my love, my heart, but I had to go, to save myself. I don
’
t know what would have happened if I stayed any longer. I have to plan a course for me, for my future, and sadly, I don
’
t think that includes
‘
us
’
anymore. As hard as that is to say, I have to say it.

I keep feeling like I
’
ve missed something. It
’
s been fifteen years, Andy, and here we are just like we were in the beginning. I realized what I want, no… it
’
s what I need, and it
’
s more than to just be with you running all over the country, the world with you. As good as that can be, and has been, it
’
s not enough, not anymore. So I had to go, pick up the pieces and move on, rebuild my life.