Releasing Me (19 page)

Just as Alexis started to come at me, two strong arms wrapped around me from behind and carried me toward the door.
“
What are you doing?
”
Quinn asked as he hurried us out.

“
You’d better get out!
”
she yelled charging after us.

I tried to free myself, but his grip was too firm.
“
And who the fuck still microwaves their food anyway? Why don’t you just let your kids smoke a pack of Marlboros for dinner?
”

Eddie had the door to the Bentley wide open so Quinn could toss me in and shut it quickly. As soon as he was in the other side, Eddie wasted no time leaving the premises. I straightened myself after being manhandled into the car then crossed my arms over my chest.

Quinn raked his hands through his hair and sighed.
“
That went well.
”
He tried to hide his smirk but couldn’t.

I looked out my window to hide the smile that was creeping across my own face.
“
I think so too.
”

My smile turned into an uncontrolled giggle, which made Quinn’s smile even bigger.
“
My mantra completely failed me.
”

“
Yeah, I’d say so.
”

“
How do you know about my mantra? I’ve never told you.
”
I asked tilting my head to the side.

“
Deep breath … I am peaceful, I am strong
.
You say it in your sleep. The first time I heard it was after our first night together. I thought it was some sort of sex mantra. I thought it was hot. But then I started noticing how you take a deep breath when you’re upset, and I assume that’s what you’re saying to yourself.
”

Smar
––
ty
––
pants!

“
Wow, babe! Your manly status just took a real hit with that confession.
”

“
How so?
”

“
Now I know you’re observant, and men are rarely observant.
”

“
Well, then I might as well let you know that I observed everything at my sister’s house. It was like a game of limbo, seeing which one of you two could stoop the lowest and not get hit.
”

“
She started it.
”

“
Real mature. What happened to my intellectually advanced and socially refined woman?’
”

“
She basically called me an unhygienic carton feeding attention hog then handed me a bag of baby carrots for brunch. And just so you know, I was also sticking up for you.
”

“
Thanks, baby, but I’ve been pulling Alexis’ hair, snapping the heads off her Barbie dolls, calling her names, and tormenting her boyfriends since she was old enough to walk. I’m pretty sure I can stick up for myself.
”

“
Fine then, I was just trying to put the bitch in her place.
”
I pouted.

“
And … by bitch, you mean my sister?
”

“
And … by your sister, you mean bitch?
”
I retorted.

“
I hesitate to ask, but I just can’t help myself … microwaves and Marlboros?
”

“
Uh … yeah. It causes the formation of carcinogens in foods. Clinical studies conducted by Dr. Hertel showed significant changes in blood samples from test groups that consumed microwaved foods. Most notably in hemoglobin and leukocyte values, which went beyond normal daily deviations, suggesting pathogenic effects such as poisoning and cell damage.
”

Quinn looked at me like I’d just given birth to an alien baby.
“
I can’t believe it––you’re a conspiracy theorist.
”

“
If by conspiracy theorist you mean someone smart enough to see the corruption and deception through the smoke and mirrors of our corporate-run government, then yes. I am a conspiracy theorist. Marlboros and microwaves, fluoride and Alzheimer’s, mercury and autoimmune diseases, dairy and osteoporosis … Choose your topic and I’ll enlighten you.
”

His smile could not have been more exuberant.
“
Addy?
”

“
Hmm?
”

“
I love you.
”

CHAPTER NINETEEN

The rest of
our weekend in Chicago was uneventful compared to brunch on Saturday. Quinn had to fly home Sunday afternoon. I was worried about how he would handle going back to work and meeting with clients while avoiding the temptation to drink. He had done it for years by choice without the cravings that come from addiction, but those days were gone and every day was going to be a challenge. A challenge that would get easier, but would most likely never be completely gone.

After Quinn said goodbye to Mac and Evan, I walked him to the door. He enveloped me in his arms and kissed the top of my head.

“
It’s going to be lonely in bed without you tonight.
”

“
Well, at least you’ll be in your bed and not the chair.
”
I couldn’t resist.

“
Funny girl, huh? You’re right. I’ll be in my bed, but not alone … I’ll have a big bag of
microwave
popcorn to keep me company.
”

“
Real cheeky.
”
I smirked with squinted eyes.

Our banter came so naturally. Everything about Quinn felt natural, fated … perfect.

Squeezing him tighter, I said the words I’d been wanting to say since we left Alexis’.
“
Thank you for what you said yesterday.
”

He leaned back to look at me.
“
What did I say?
”

“
You said that it wasn’t my fault your mom died. You’ve never said those words to me, and although I knew in your heart your felt them, it meant a lot for me to hear them.
”

“
Baby, I’ve been a real jerk. There are so many wrongs that I’ll never be able to right–– so many things I’ve said and done that were cruel and, rightfully so, unforgivable. But what you did for my mother was amazing. I can’t imagine what it must have been like to watch her die. You knew the consequences, the pain, the contempt, and yet you still said yes. I love you, and I’ve said before that if I were a better man, I’d let you go because you deserve so much more.
”

Happiness is a choice, a state of mind. Thinking that Quinn made me happy would have implied he made my choices for me. That wasn’t true. However, he made all the colors of my rainbow shine brighter, and I couldn’t imagine deserving or needing more than that.

“
You did let me go, more than once. And I came back, more than once. Oh God, what does that say about me? I just can’t take a hint, can I? When we first met I accused you of stalking me, but look who’s stalking now? How can I be so smart and yet so stu—
”

His lips captured my mouth, and I felt hypnotized by his touch as my thoughts faded. The rest of the world ceased to exist when our bodies connected. After I fell limp in his embrace, he inched his head back and grazed his thumb over my then swollen lips.

“
Stop analyzing. It’s simple … you are brilliant and I am, and may always be, a fucking idiot. But I promise you, no one will ever love you as much as I do; thankfully, loving you
is
a no-brainer.
”

“
Ah, babe, you will forever be my favorite ignoramus. Now get going before I have to explain to Mac why I’m dragging your sexy ass back to the bedroom.
”

Placing his hand on the back of my head, he pulled our foreheads together.
“
I’ll see you later beautiful,
”
he whispered.

“
Goodbye, babe. Have a safe flight. I love you.
”

He grabbed his bag and turned back.
“
Never goodbye,
”
he said with a wink.

My heart ached a little, as it always did, when we parted. Life was too unpredictable and definitely not
“
fair
”
in my book. The present was our only guarantee, which often filled the past with regret and the future with uncertainty.

*

Journal Day 100

Grateful for 100 days of life-changing perspective.

Monday morning Mac was just plain giddy. Her first official prenatal visit with the midwife went great. She found out she was further along than she originally thought, but with her irregular menstrual cycles we weren’t surprised. The countdown was officially on, twenty-seven weeks until her due date.

“
Addy, you have to get your ass relocated to my zip code. This is ridiculous! I hate to play the ‘you owe me’ card, but right now I have an excess of hormones raging through my body and I cannot be responsible for what comes out of my mouth.
”

“
I know. As I recall I was the recipient of your hormonal and not-so-discrete vulgarity on Thanksgiving.
”
I handed her a cup of raspberry leaf tea and sat next to the fireplace.

“
Jesus Christ, Addy. Do you have any idea how crazy horny I was after walking in on you getting ready to mount your Arabian horse? I’m talking The. Best. Porn. Ever! I carried your smoothies back to the kitchen just as Evan was coming inside from taking out the garbage. I shoved down his running pants and sucked him off while I flicked my bean. The poor guy didn’t know what came over me. The upside has been his eagerness to take out the garbage every morning since. This morning he woke me up at 6 a.m. to make sure I knew he hauled out the garbage.
”

The disgusted grimace on my face felt permanent.
“
Oh my gosh, Mac! TMI! And for the record, the BJ garbage story … NOT The. Best. Porn. Ever!
“

She sipped her tea and shrugged her shoulders.
“
I guess it depends on what you’re into.
”

I shook my head in rapid succession as if it were really possible to erase the visual in my head like an Etch A Sketch.
“
You know I’d love to stay and chat, but I have a plane to catch.
”

“
Ah yes, you have to get back to New York and act out the happy ending to your epic love story, which of course ends in Chicago.
”

“
Mmm, if it’s truly epic, it will never end. Now go pee, and I’ll meet you in the car.
”

*

I returned to New York by dinner Monday night. After leaving several messages on Quinn’s cell phone as well as half a dozen texts, all without response, I was starting to worry. The condo was dark and silent when I opened the door, however, it was odd that the alarm hadn’t been set. When I flipped on the entry light, a dark shadowy figure on the couch nearly stopped my heart.

”
Oh my God!
”
I gasped.

“
Sorry, baby, it’s just me.
”

I flipped on another set of lights.
“
Jeez, you scared me! What are you doing? I tried calling you and I sent you numerous texts.
”

“
Sorry,
”
was all he said in a somber voice.

An uneasy feeling rippled through my body in chilling waves. Something was wrong.
“
Have you been drinking?
”

“
No,
”
he said with a pained laugh.
“
I want one, so fucking bad, but I haven’t had a single drop.
”

He sat with his elbows on his knees and his head cradled in his hands. I shrugged off my coat and knelt in front of him with my hands resting on his flexed biceps.

“
Quinn, what happened?
”

Taking a deep swallow, he shook his head as if the words were caught in his throat.

My mind started to roam in every direction. I thought about death, cancer, car accidents, business dealings gone wrong, but I didn’t even once consider the words that came from his mouth.

“
Olivia is pregnant.
”

Silence. Anguish. Heartache. Misery.

Deep breath
…
I can’t, I can’t breathe
…

“
No … no …
”
I shook my head as I sat back on my heels. Biting my bottom lip to keep it from quivering, I tried to blink back the tears … but there were too many.

“
I––I––don’t understand. You said you didn’t sleep with any of them, you told me you slept in the chair. This doesn’t make any sense!
”

“
I wasn’t lying, I didn’t sleep with them … when you were in New York. But before, when I was drinking—
”

“
STOP!
”
I screamed as I covered my face with my hands.
“
Just stop, I don’t want to know.
”

“
Addy, you were with Jake. How do you think that makes me feel when I think of him with you: touching you, kissing you, fucking you?
”

“
I get it, Quinn! It hurts, it hurts so … damn … bad!
”
I wiped my face and met his eyes.
“
But now tell me how it would feel if I told you today that I was carrying his baby? Tell me that it wouldn’t fucking gut you. Tell me what you expect me to say, what you expect me to do?
”

Leaning forward, he ran his fingers though my hair then held my head inches from his.
“
Stay. I
need
you to stay, as much as I need my next breath.
”

“
Why are you doing this?
”
I sobbed.
“
Do you have any idea how desperate I was to hear those words from your mouth so many times before? And
now
you’re asking me to stay … and do what? Watch another woman carry your baby. The baby I was supposed to give you. It’s not fair for you to ask me to do that.
”

“
I know it’s not, but I’m still asking. God, Addy I’m begging you …
please
don’t go.
”

I wrapped my hands around his wrists as he continued to hold my head. His touch felt so vital to my existence. Then I cried, because my heart was grieving for the life with Quinn that became more elusive every day. He picked me up and held me tight.

“
It was supposed to be me—it was supposed to be me!
”
I cried out as I pounded my fists against his chest. My shattered heart ached as my stomach wrenched. It was a dull pain that left me begging for reprieve.

“
I’m so sorry, baby,
”
he breathed in my ear.

It was a good hour or more later, and I was still curled up on his lap. My tears ran dry and the all too familiar numb feeling blanketed my body. Quinn didn’t speak; he didn’t move. I think he would have held me there forever, if it would have meant I was staying. My ear rested against his chest and the sound of his heart reminded me of all the little pieces of mine that were still beating. That’s the most amazing thing about the heart, even alone, each individual cell tells itself to rhythmically contract and relax. As much as I wanted to will mine to stop, it wouldn’t.

“
Why am I even here? It’s like the world is rejecting me at every turn. I feel like I don’t belong, but my soul is stuck in this stupid life. What the hell am I supposed to be learning from all of this? I’ve tried so hard to be happy, content, and grateful, but it’s too much … I’m just too tired. I’m tired of feeling so numb.
”

“
Me. You’re here for me, to love me, live life with me,
be
with me. If you’re too tired, I’ll carry you through every day until you can walk on your own again. Just … stay.
”

“
I’ll stay,
”
I breathed out. Those two words came out so easily because, in that moment, I didn’t care if I died. Honestly, I thought I’d already lost him and my only wish was to die in his arms.

*

It took me three days to get out of bed with the exception of using the bathroom. I refused to eat, but I willingly drank water because I needed the tears. Quinn worked from home, specifically from the bedroom. He only left my side to get food for himself or water for us. Fear was etched deep in his face. He was scared to leave me alone. I, on the other hand, feared
nothing.

After seventy-two hours, I broke the silence.
“
You should go to work.
”
My back was to him and my voice was weak.

“
Only if you come with me.
”

I shook my head.

“
Then I’m not going anywhere.
”

He was sitting in the infamous chair by the window working on his computer. He closed his laptop and moved to my side of the bed. Kneeling on the floor, he kissed my forehead.
“
I love you and
you
will always be the love of my life.
”

He didn’t know what he was talking about. Olivia was carrying a piece of him that would change that. He would hold his little baby, look into its eyes, and see the reflection of his soul. The thought melted a few more tears from my eyes.

He kissed them away.
“
I’ll be right back.
”
He went into the bathroom and started the shower. A few minutes later he came back out with just a towel wrapped around his waist.
“
Let’s go.
”

I shook my head.

“
Then we’ll do it the hard way, but you’re taking a shower.
”
He pulled down the sheets and stripped my clothes. Then he cradled me in his arms and carried me into the steamy shower. Multiple jets shot warm water out from the walls while a massive square fixture poured rain-like water from the ceiling. He set me on my feet, and I closed my eyes as streams and rivulets raced down my body. Starting on my back, I felt his slick soaped hands slowly massaging my muscles. He took his time, giving every inch of my body his undivided attention. The tenderness and deep love I felt in his touch stirred the raw emotions that had been festering for days. Grateful for the camouflage of the water, I let more toxic emotions flow from my closed eyes as he stood behind me washing my hair. Then, leaving me to stand with the warm water raining down on me, he quickly washed himself before shutting off the water. He wrapped me up in a long, thick terrycloth robe and sat me on top of the vanity. After brushing my teeth, he dried my hair. More tears fell, as my mind drifted to memories of my mom. I used to love sitting at her vanity in a small gold chair with a white velvet seat while she used her soft-bristled brush on my long hair. She would look at my reflection in the mirror and tell me how I was everything perfect about her and my dad. I wanted my mom so desperately. She would’ve known how to make everything better. As many times as I butted heads with her, I never doubted her love for me. And I knew from experience, mothers were granted magical healing powers. I wondered if Quinn was wishing his mother were there to tell him what to do … to magically make everything right in his world again.