Releasing Me (16 page)

“
Mac!
”
I squealed as I jumped off Quinn and frantically tried to pull the covers over our naked bodies.

She stood in the doorway holding a tall glass in each hand.
“
Pumpkin spiced smoothies,
”
she said with a wrinkled face and partial grin.

My whole body was flushed and blazing with embarrassment.
“
Mac!
”
I gritted through my teeth with bugged out eyes while my hands still fought with the sheets to cover us up.

She wouldn’t stop staring at us. It was like we were animals at a zoo and she was observing our behavior with a casual passiveness and an appreciative grin on her face.

“
Mackenzie!
“

Startled out of her daze, she dragged her eyes off of Quinn and looked at me.
“
Oh, yes, well … I’ll just put these in the kitchen for whenever you’re done or ready or …
”
With a polite nod and a tightlipped smile, she turned around and closed the door behind her.

I turned to look at Quinn and he was lying back with one arm bent behind his head, the other grasped around the sheet just barely covering his midsection. The dumb-ass smirk on his face pissed me off.
“
What are you doing?
”
I asked as I elbowed him in the ribs.

He shrugged his shoulders.
“
What do you mean? I’m not doing anything.
”

I grabbed a throw blanket off the end of the bed and wrapped it around myself as I stood.
“
That’s my point. My best friend walked in on us having sex and you made no attempt to cover either one of us up, and the stupid grin on your face implies you enjoyed it.
”

Despite his effort to contain it, a laugh escaped his chest.
“
Oh come on, I didn’t enjoy it. I just didn’t see what the big deal was.
”

Halfway to the bathroom, I turned around and scowled at him.
“
The big deal is I’m not an exhibitionist, and I’m not into public copulation!
”

“
Copulation?
”

I continued into the bathroom.
“
Yes, copulation, coitus, intercourse, sex, fucking … whatever!
”
Turning on the shower, I tossed the blanket out the door. Quinn caught it as he was walking into the bathroom with his pants back on but not zipped yet. After I stepped into the shower, he leaned against the vanity and continued dressing.

“
Actually
, Addy, we weren’t having sex yet. You were just getting ready to—
”

Cracking the door open, I poked my wet head out.
“
I don’t need a playback. I’m very well aware of what we were doing.
”
I shut the door and continued to soap up.

“
Let it go, baby. I’m sure she was just as embarrassed as you were. It’s not like she’s going to mention it again.
”

I shut off the water and wrung my hair out before opening the door and grabbing my towel.
“
What are you, crazy? I’ll bet you a thousand dollars she insinuates it or uses some smart-ass innuendo at least a half a dozen times before the end of Thanksgiving dinner.
”

“
You honestly think she’s going to say something in front of her parents?
”

“
Yes. You don’t know her like I do. Richard and Gwen up the ante in her mind. She’s going to love watching me squirm.
”

He walked up behind me at the mirror as I combed through my hair. His hand slipped under my towel in the front. I closed my eyes and released a needy moan as his middle finger penetrated my folds and slipped inside me.

“
Oh God,
”
I breathed as I put my hand over his, urging him to keep going.

“
Someone sounds quite wanton for a release,
”
he whispered in my ear before he sucked in my lobe and grazed his teeth over it.

“
Yes,
”
I whimpered.

He inched his finger out of me then turned me around so I was facing him. As predicted, he took his turn eliciting a blush from me when he slipped his finger into his mouth sucking off my wetness with a hum of satisfaction. My heart rate doubled as my breathing became labored in frantic anticipation. Giving a gentle tug to the towel wrapped around me, it easily fell leaving me bared to him. When his mouth captured mine, I could taste myself on his tongue and it was surprisingly an erotic turn-on. Grabbing my hips, he lifted me onto the vanity then pushed my legs up so they were resting on the edge. Dropping to his knees, I quickly felt the heat of his warm breath on my sex. I clenched my hands in his hair and pulled him to me without shame, just as the most irritating sound filled my ears.

“
Let’s go you two! Breakfast is waiting, and you should be
done
by now!
”

Quinn stood and hugged me into his chest as he laughed. I, however, was not laughing. I was so sexually frustrated I nearly started crying.

“
That’s one,
”
was all I could say in exasperation.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Journal Day 96

Grateful for good friends, good food, and Quinn … hot, panty scorching Quinn.

Gwen and Richard
were expected to arrive by noon. After breakfast, Mac played makeup artist to me and Quinn. My black eye was still colorful, as was Quinn’s face in several areas. The last thing I needed was to try and explain to Gwen and Richard the fight that happened less than a week earlier.

The rest of the morning, Mac and I labored in the kitchen making everything except the turkey. Her parents agreed to bring the bird since neither Mac nor I wanted to prepare it or smell it cooking for hours in the oven. Evan and Quinn had disappeared to the man cave shortly after breakfast, but as soon as the front door opened, Mac called them upstairs.

“
Mom, Dad!
”
she yelled from the kitchen. After hanging up their coats, they rounded the corner just as Evan and Quinn got to the top of the stairs.

Richard set the covered turkey on the kitchen island then hugged Mac and me before greeting Evan with a handshake. Gwen was right behind him, gushing about how everything we had made looked and smelled so delicious.

It only took a few minutes before all eyes fell to Quinn. I looped my arm around his.
“
Gwen, Richard, this is Quinn Cohen. Quinn, Gwen and Richard Townsend.
”

“
It’s such pleasure to meet you both.
”
Quinn wasted no time shaking Richard’s hand and leaning in to kiss Gwen on the cheek. She blushed, as all women did in the presence of my Latin sex god.

“
Very nice to meet you too,
”
Gwen replied.

“
Cohen, huh?
”
Richard questioned.
“
The name rings a bell, but I can’t place where I’ve heard it.
”

“
Quinn’s
into
everything. Right, Addy?
”
Mac smiled with a wink in my direction.

“
That’s two,
”
I said between clenched teeth behind my smile so only Quinn could hear me.

He put his arm around my waist and squeezed my hip.
“
What Mac means is my business dealings are diversified. The Cohen name is fairly common around here.
”

“
Well, let’s eat so the vultures can dive into the bird carcass.
”

“
Mackenzie!
”
Gwen scolded.
“
Must you be so crass in front of Addy’s guest?
”

“
Oh, Mom, I don’t think Quinn is easily offended. In fact, I think he’s quite comfortable with my
obtrusiveness.
Addy, however, not so much.
”

Another wink and a smile.

As we all found a seat at the table, I held up three fingers to Quinn and mouthed,
“
That’s three.
”

He shook his head then pulled out my chair before sitting next to me.

Richard offered the blessing, then we started passing the food around.

“
Tell us how you two met?
”
Gwen asked.

Quinn looked at me because it was my story to tell. Richard and Gwen were oblivious to my current affairs. They still thought I owned the Café and lived in Milwaukee. They were unaware that I’d spent so much of my time in New York with Quinn, and they definitely didn’t know about our engagement and breakup. The more I thought about everything they didn’t know, the more I questioned my sanity for bringing Quinn to Thanksgiving dinner. I hated that the omission of important information felt like a lie, but it didn’t feel like the right time to explain our complicated history. So trying to avoid a blatant lie, I kept my response vague.

“
We met at an event I was catering at a hotel Quinn owns in Milwaukee.
”

Mac passed the tray of turkey to Quinn, and he chose a small piece of dark meat.

“
Funny, I pegged you for a white meat guy. Addy, did you know Quinn liked more
legs
and
thighs
than
breast
meat?
”
Mac cut in with one more wink and smile.

I tapped four fingers on Quinn’s leg until he reached under the table and grabbed my hand. Somehow I had managed to get myself in the hot seat. Engaging with Mac in her attempt to fluster me was just as uncomfortable as fielding questions from Gwen about my history with Quinn. Lucky for me, Gwen was used to Mac’s obnoxiousness and ignoring her random comments was pretty typical.

“
Are you originally from Milwaukee?
”
Gwen asked Quinn.

“
I actually live in New York, not Milwaukee. I was just there checking in on my hotel when I met Addy.
”

“
You live in New York?
”
Gwen clarified in surprise.

Quinn nodded as he chewed his food.

“
That must be hard. Long distance relationships take so much dedication.
”

Somebody change the subject!

When Quinn looked at me, I had a flashback of almost a year earlier when I unexpectedly met Quinn’s family for the first time on Christmas. The charade over dinner was emotionally exhausting, but in the end the truth came out. He owned our relationship and he acknowledged, in front of his whole family, that I was the girl he couldn’t live without.

“
Yeah, Addy, just how
hard
is it?
”
Mac smirked.

She had impeccable timing. While I stayed static at an emotional crossroad, contemplating a difficult decision, Mac continued to use me as her comedic muse. The corners of Quinn’s mouth curled up ever so slightly as he inconspicuously drummed five fingers on the table.

“
It’s
harder
than you could ever imagine, Mac. So hard that sometimes if feels all consuming. It fills me with such intensity that I can barely breathe,
”
I replied with a pensive face.

Quinn covered his mouth with his napkin as he choked on his food. Mac, however, was in no danger of choking because her food was practically falling back to her plate as she sat across the table stunned with her mouth agape. I’d just lost my thousand dollar bet, having officially silenced Mac on the event she witnessed earlier that morning. But I had more important issues to deal with, and she was becoming too much of a distraction.

Focusing my attention back on Gwen, I took a deep breath.

Deep breath
…
I am peaceful, I am strong.

“
The truth is, I gifted the Café to Jake and since then I’ve been living in New York … with Quinn.
”

The room fell silent. I reached over and interlaced my fingers with Quinn’s. His expression was mine a year earlier, a mixture of sympathy, relief, gratitude, and love seen through his soft eyes and gentle smile.

“
I don’t understand. Why didn’t you tell us?
”
Gwen’s voice was pained.

My eyes dropped to my plate. Gwen and Richard were family. They deserved better. Quinn squeezed my hand, and when I looked at him I found the courage to go on.

“
Quinn didn’t know about my past, about Malcolm. And I thought if I told you about us you would want to meet him, and I wasn’t ready to rip open those wounds. Then our relationship hit some … bumpy spots, and we’ve been separated for the past six months. But now that we’re together again, I want … I need you to know how much I love him. I’m sorry. I was such a coward, and while I fought so hard to protect myself, I ended up hurting everyone around me.
”

In that moment I felt more vulnerable than the dead bird on the table—the gap between my present and past waiting to be bridged. The pain in the gap felt crippling, but giving myself completely to Quinn was worth it. The truth needed to come out, but there was only one question in my mind.
Would it set me free?

It was Richard’s voice that broke the silence and sliced into me.
“
So Quinn knows about Sa—
”

“
I’m pregnant!
”
Mac yelled out.

The whiplash had everyone’s head spinning. All eyes were on Mac and Evan, who both beamed with joy and excitement. It was practically a race between me and Gwen to get to Mac and Evan. Like a loose ball in a football game, we descended upon them in a group hug filled with tears and laughter … everyone except Quinn. His tight eyes met mine as I tried to pull myself from the mob.

“
I can’t believe we’re going to be grandparents again,
”
Gwen squealed in excitement.

Quinn’s eyes stayed fixed to mine as he pushed back in his chair then stood, tossing his napkin on the table.

As I started to go after him, Mac grabbed my arm.
“
Addy, I’m sorry—
”

Turning back to her, I held her face in my hands.
“
Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry about.
”
I forced a smile.
“
I am so happy for you and Evan. You are going to be a wonderful mom.
”
The tears in her eyes were reflected in mine as she nodded.

When I reached the bedroom, Quinn’s back was to me. His arms were crossed over his chest as he gazed out the window. I shut the door behind me and walked up behind him. He stiffened as I hugged his back. Then my tears came without reprieve.

*

“
He tried to save her, Addy. There was too much smoke and not enough time. Oh God! I can’t believe they’re both gone. I’m so sorry
––
”

“
Malcolm, I’m tired of having this conversation. It’s called a family bed for Christ’s sake. It’s common practice throughout most of the world.
”

“
Addy, watch your mouth!
”

“
Sorry
…
for ‘goodness’’ sake. Just because your parents put you in a crib and let you cry yourself to sleep doesn’t mean we’re going to do the same thing. If you make one more stupid comment about her still being in our bed when she’s a teenager, I’m going to kick your ass out of the bed because I’d rather sleep with her than you!
”

“
You’re being unreasonable.
”

“
Yeah, well you’re being a prick.
”

My whole body shook as a new round of sobs surged through me. Clenching my fists into his shirt, I fought for control, but my knees gave out. The time had come to tell Quinn, but my voice was paralyzed with grief. He quickly turned and caught me in his arms.

“
Oh God, it …
”
my voice broke.

“
Shh, don’t speak. You don’t have to say anything.
”

His loving voice should have been comforting, but it clenched my heart even harder. The physical pain matched my emotional anguish.

“
It––hur––hurts––so––so bad,
”
I sobbed in agony.

Cradling me in his arms like a child, he carried me to the bed. He hugged me, chest to chest. His heart carried the beat of mine. Then, when he tilted my chin up to kiss away my tears, it felt like he was breathing life back into my burning, deflated lungs. A numbing wave of comfort blanketed my body, and my words found their voice.

“
Sage was my daughter, the love of
my
life.
”
I swallowed back the impending lump.
“
She had my blonde wavy hair and Malcolm’s green eyes.
”
A warm smile born of fond memories graced my tear stained face.
“
She was going to be a real heartbreaker.
”

He squeezed me in loving acknowledgement. I rested my ear against his chest and picked at an invisible piece of lint on his shirt.

“
We hadn’t been married that long when I got pregnant. I continued with school up until I had her. She wasn’t planned … but the best things in life never are.
”
I turned my head just enough to kiss his chest.
“
Most people talk about the first time they lay eyes on their baby or hold them in their arms, but for me, it was the first little flutter I felt in my tummy.
”
I sniffled once and wiped at a few more tears.
“
Both of our parents were ecstatic, at least until I announced my plans to have a home birth. You’d have thought I was suggesting an abortion, as if all babies born at home were as good as dead. They questioned how someone with my intelligence could suggest something so ‘careless.’ But then, most likely starting with the word
actually
…
”
We both released a small, tension relieving laugh.
“
I proceeded to present them with a sea of information on the safety of home birthing with a midwife, including: lower infant mortality rates, lower C-section rates, deceased risk of low birth weight, and lower premature labor rates. I also assured them I was young, healthy, and considered low risk for complications. Eventually, my debate team champion status was upheld, and one by one they jumped on board with my birthing plan. After only six hours of labor, in which I incorporated the HypnoBirthing technique, Sage was born in a birthing tub surrounded by people who already loved her and a very caring and competent nurse-midwife.
”

We held one another in silence for a while. Quinn’s patience with me was beyond commendable. He was still struggling with his addiction, and while the symptoms were much milder with the herbs he took, they weren’t nonexistent. How he managed to suppress his urges and stay focused solely on my needs forever remained a mystery. But, God, I loved him for it.

“
Sage and I were inseparable. If she wasn’t at my breast, she was nestled in my neck or held to my body in a wrap or carrier. She was my heart beating outside of my body, and I lived every second of every day for her and her alone.
”
More tears fell as my eyes bled with raw emotion.
“
I’m sure Malcolm had his own love story with her, as did his parents, my parents, and Mac. Everybody loved and adored her, but it was completely overshadowed by my love for her. At night I would watch her sleep, making sure that every time she took a breath the next one followed exactly when it was supposed to. By the time she was one, our families wondered when I was going to finish school. My parents had a mile long list of very expensive but highly qualified nannies. It sat on my desk untouched. Sage was my purpose. Malcolm made plenty of money. I didn’t have to work. At the same time I hated to rehash the same argument with my parents. I had agreed to get my PhD, but that was before Sage. She was a game changer. I spent the next year staving off arguments. My parents were on me about school, and Malcolm’s new soapbox was our family bed issue. We had a crib, thanks to his parents spending a ridiculous amount of money on a decorator for our nursery. However, Sage never slept in her crib. I was an advocate of attachment parenting and co-sleeping, and the family bed was part of it. That second year we spent countless hours arguing over the sleeping arrangement. Then, against my better judgment, a few weeks after she turned two we moved her into her room. She cried every night, so I lay in her toddler bed with her until she fell asleep. Most nights Malcolm had to beg me to come back to bed because I was so reluctant to leave her. But eventually I did, I left her. That’s––
”