Paper Airplanes (38 page)

“Yeah, I do,” I said as calmly as I could.

I’d always had blue eyes. And I knew she wasn’t just realizing this since she’d told me how much she liked them. She was seriously scaring the hell out of me.

“You’ve never worn that hat before,” she accused, as if I’d done something wrong.

“Not around you, but I’ve had it for years. I found it under Austin’s bed last week.”

I wasn’t sure when
Austin had stolen my black White Sox hat, but I took it back as soon as I found it. It was my favorite hat. In truth I probably should have given it to Evan since I owed him one. I’d borrowed his the last time I’d visited him at school, and I’d never given it back.

Cassie
was shaking her head again. “You were there,” she said, the tears that had formed in her eyes spilling onto her cheeks as I realized exactly what she was talking about.

I’d been wearing Evan’s hat that was identical to the one I was wearing now the night of the shooting. I had no idea what had happened to it, but it had been on my head when I’d hit the ground.

I knew in that instant that Cassie had remembered everything. The way she was looking at me with a curious mix of fear and pain told me I’d managed to trigger the last of her memories. And it was the last thing I’d wanted to do.

“
Oh, my God. It was you,” she said. “The boy on the ground. He told me to stay quiet, to play dead. He was bleeding so badly, and he looked so scared. That was you?”

I felt a wave of nausea hit me as she described what
I’d looked like in her eyes that night. Too many memories assaulted me at once.

“Baby, I’m so sorry,” I said as I started to cross the room toward her.

She looked at me in horror, so I stopped. “You knew?” she accused, knowing from the fact that I hadn’t reacted that I’d known what she was just now figuring out.

“Yes.”

I started toward her again, but she stopped me, putting her hand up, so I froze mid-step.

“
How long have you known?” she asked, her face twisted in disgust. “Don’t tell me you knew all along. Please don’t tell me that, Jared.” She was shaking her head. “Don’t do that. Don’t tell me you lied to me all these months.”

I threw my hands up in surrender. “I didn’t know all along,” I said honestly. “
I didn’t lie. I swear. I figured it out a month and a half ago.”

She just stared at me as if processing what I’d just told her.

Then her eyes narrowed. “A month and a half ago? But you remembered everything from that night,” she questioned, her head cocked to the side as if she didn’t believe me.

“I thought you were someone else that night,” I said quickly, trying to make this right, because things had suddenly gotten really bad.  “I thought you were a girl named
Jeni. I didn’t know it was you, Cassie. I promise.”

“But then you figured out that it was me,” she said, a sour tone to her words. “A month and a half ago.”

Dammit. She sounded so resolute. I had no idea how to fix this. She was pissed.

I sighed. “Yeah, I did. I realized it was you.”

I mumbled the last few words, knowing how bad they sounded now. It looked like I’d been lying to her, but I hadn’t. I’d been trying to protect her.

“I’m sorry,” I said
when she didn’t respond to me, because what else could I say?

“You’re sorry?” she questioned. “You’re sorry? You’re sorry?!”

I recoiled as her volume elevated with each word.

“I didn’t want you to know, because I was afraid this would happen,” I said quietly.

“I don’t even know what to do with that!” she spat out.

“Cassie, please,” I said, because I could see how she was looking at me.

She was pissed and hurt and was pushed back against the corner of the room in an effort to put distance between us. I hated that I’d made her feel like she couldn’t come to me when she was falling apart. I wasn’t sure what to do, and I was terrified that there was suddenly a wall between us. My biggest fear was that she wouldn’t be able to forgive me.

“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I said, willing her to believe it was the truth.
I couldn’t lose her.

She slumped back against the wall, almost as if her strength had given out, and
without thinking, I crossed the room to her in three strides, pulling her into my arms. She started to cry, heaving, gasping sobs escaping from her as she bawled against my shoulder, so I held her as tight as I could, wanting to let her know that I was going to keep her safe. I’d always keep her safe. I’d never wanted to hurt her.

I held her until she stopped crying and my t-shirt was soaked with her tears. She was listless in my arms when she pulled away and slumped down on the bed.

“Are you okay?” I asked her, knowing what was going through her head in that moment. She had to be reliving that night again and again and again.

She shrugged.

I squatted down so I was in front of her, and then I took her hands in mind. “Baby, talk to me. Please.”

“You need to get in the shower,” she said
, her voice tight, and I looked at her in confusion.

“
I’m fine.”

“Just go,” she said tersely. “We’re going to be late.”

I stood up but I didn’t make a move toward the bathroom. “No,” I told her.

I’d looked at the clock over the stove when I’d first gotten back to her apartment, so I knew we were cutting it close, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

Cassie looked up at me, and I couldn’t read what she was thinking from that look. “Just go, Jared.”

The last thing
I wanted to read from her words was that she wanted me leave the apartment. I wasn’t about to do that for anything. I wasn’t leaving her, especially not in the state she was in. I didn’t care how upset she was with me.

When she looked away from me in irritation,
I reluctantly left her for the quickest shower of my life, not sure what she was going to do while I was gone. I just hoped that she didn’t leave. But when I came back out, she was sitting in the exact same place staring at the wall. I watched her off and on while I got dressed and then she stood and walked back into the bathroom to finish her make-up. When she was finished, she came back into the bedroom, slipped her heels on, grabbed her little purse and waited for me. I watched her for a few seconds before I headed for the door, thankful that she was following me.

She didn’t say a word as we got in the car and drove to campus, but I held her hand the whole way, feeling helpless that I couldn’t do anything. I didn’t know what she needed.

Austin texted me to let me know he was by the fountain in front of the auditorium, and I looked for him as Cassie and I walked hand-in-hand toward the building. I saw him talking to someone, and my heart sank as we got closer and I realized it was my dad. He was the last person I wanted to see at that moment. I really hoped my mom wasn’t there too. I couldn’t deal with both of them at the same time.

“Great,” I said, not realizing I’d said it out loud.

“What’s wrong?” Cassie murmured, saying her first words to me in a half an hour.

“My dad’s here,” I said glumly, gearing myself up to face a man who hated me as much as I hated him.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool, but I don’t know if I’ll do it,” Austin was saying as we walked up.

My dad was nodding as if he was
mildly interested in what Austin was telling him, and poor Austin looked like he just wanted validation from the man who’d never given it to him. We both knew he wasn’t going to get it.

“Hey Jared. He
y Cassie,” Austin greeted us brightly when we walked up.

“Hey,” I said tightly and squeezed Cassie’s hand
more firmly. She didn’t say anything.

“Jared,” my dad said stiffly, reaching his hand out to shake mine.

“Dad,” I said, as I took his hand in mine, squeezing it harder than I needed to, making him wince. “How are you?”

In truth, he looked like shit. He was
rail thin, his skin was ashy, and his eyes were bloodshot. I smelled the distinct odor of alcohol on his breath and wondered if he was drunk or just self-medicated. I wasn’t sure if there was even a difference for him anymore.

“I’m fine, son. How are you?”

“Never better,” I said flatly. “This is my girlfriend, Cassie.”

My dad’s gaze flitted over to Cassie, and an amused look washed over his face. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Dammit. I knew he couldn’t be civil for five minutes. He’d better not say anything rude to Cassie, or I wouldn’t hesitate to punch him.

“This is your girlfriend?”
he said when I didn’t grace his first verbal jab with a response.

“Yes,” I said, knowing I probably shouldn’t have justified his question with an answer.

He laughed. “How much are you paying her?”

I watched Cassie’s eyebrows shoot up as he said that, but she didn’t say anything.

“Nice to see things haven’t changed for us,” I said instead of responding to his hateful question. At least he hadn’t called me a worthless bastard. That had been his choice word for me while I’d been growing up.

“I’d have assumed you would have brought your little boyfriend, Scott, but there you go surprising the shit out of me again.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, pissed off that he just couldn’t resist.

“
Oh, come on, Jared, I’m just teasing you,” he said, but we both knew he wasn’t. Fag was his second favorite term of endearment for me. “But really, you could never get a girl that good looking. She’s way out of your league.”

God, I so wanted to hit him. Hard.

“How’s Mom, Dad?” I asked him, knowing it would drive the knife in deep, right where I wanted it without me having to get physical.

“You watch your mouth, son,” he cautioned, taking an aggressive stance, and I dropped Cassie’s hand.

“Don’t go there, Dad,” I cautioned him right back, preparing myself in case he swung.

I was not
really going to swing at him at my brother’s graduation, but I would defend myself if he tried to fight me. I wasn’t the punching bag I’d been for him growing up, and he needed to know that.

He pulled his fist back just as
Austin stepped between us. “Hey,” he said, putting one hand on each of our chests. “Don’t do that. Dad, you came here to see Evan graduate, now why don’t you go inside and get a seat.”

“You’re a little punk,” my dad said to me, hate and spit flying from his mouth in tandem. “Just like when you were a kid.”

“Fuck you, asshole. I’ve made more out of my life than you have in twice as many years. You just never took the time to see it. And I’m raising the son you decided you couldn’t take care of. Thanks so much for sending us money all these years.”

He continued to glare at me. “The
Larsons have more than enough money to take care of you guys. Quit complaining.”

“That’s not their job!” I yelled
, aware that people were starting to stare at us. “It was yours, and you failed – you and Mom both failed – and you need to accept the fact that I’ve done a better job of raising Austin than either of you ever did.”

“This is true,”
Austin mumbled, and my dad looked down at him.

“What did you
say?” he growled, glaring at Austin.

“Nothing,”
Austin said to him, sticking his chin out authoritatively.

“You better watch your mouth, you ungrateful brat,” he spat at
Austin, and my fist went up. I wasn’t letting that asshole touch my brother.

Austin
saw what I was about to do and pushed me away before I could take a swing. “He’s not worth your time, man. Let’s just go inside. We’re here for Evan, remember?”

“Right,” I said, remembering myself. He was right. The last thing I needed to do was get into it with my dad.

I turned to Cassie to see what she thought of everything she’d just witnessed, but she wasn’t there. I looked behind me, and then spun in a circle, wondering if she’d walked away when things got weird, but she wasn’t anywhere nearby.

“Where’s Cassie?”
I asked my brother.

“I don’t know,” he
said, looking around for her. “She was right here a few minutes ago.”

I spun around again, afraid I might have missed her blending in with the throngs of people mingling outside the auditorium.

“Shit,” I hissed.

I never should have dropped her hand. I knew she wasn’t in her right mind after everything that had happened that morning, and now she’d taken off. Fucking great.

“Ha, she left your sorry ass,” my dad chimed in then, and I turned and glared at him. “She must not have been able to look at your ugly mug anymore.”

“Funny thing coming from someone I share DNA with,” I snapped at him

It was a good thing Austin was still standing between us since I probably would have swung at my dad in that moment had I not had a barrier holding me back. I glared at him.