On the Many Deaths of Amanda Palmer (25 page)

The false moustaches he wore were always of the very highest quality, made from real human facial hair and virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. One editor states that Mr. James had mentioned that his moustaches were made to measure by
Proctor & Gladwin
, of London's Saville Row. They have refused to “pass comment on any specific individual customer account”. They did, however, acknowledge that they have “in the past, and upon occasion, supplied bespoke moustaches to certain clients”.

Then we have the evidence of the wallet and its contents. Let's start with the wallet itself. It is a finely stitched eel-skin wallet, designed to be kept thin and free from any excess of documents or notes; a very tidy and organised man's wallet. There is no place to keep coins. Inside it is modestly stamped E. Goodrich & sons, a Cambridge maker of gentleman's leather-ware. The wallet's most notable feature is however on the outside, which is embossed with an elaborate gold-chased monogram. The APT faxed a tracing of the monogram design to E. Goodrich & sons enquiring if they had any records of who it may have been made for and received the following reply:

. . . Normally this is the kind of design we would only recommend to a rich elderly uncle purchasing a present for a beloved young nephew; in any other context it would be deemed vulgar and inappropriate. But I do recall that this order came from America, from a Pennsylvania dealership I believe, and you never can tell with those Americans; they just don't quite seem to get what's what . . .

It is also interesting that the monogram puts the J before the T which could indicate a name of James Tobias, however we have since learnt that had the wallet indeed been purchased by a rich elderly uncle for a beloved young nephew it would not be at all uncommon for the initial of the surname to be placed first, as English etiquette, and therefore sadly American pretention, traditionally demands.

Now let us consider the library card. It is a standard membership card for a small local library in Colindale, Borough of Barnet, North West London. To become a member all Barnet libraries require two utility bills in the members name as address verification, and further research has revealed that a Tobias James held accounts with both EDF Energy and British Gas from February 16th, 2006 to August 21st, 2006, registered at Flat B, 5 Ableton Drive, Hendon. We have also learnt that Barnet council employees are much more open to flattery and persuasion than English gentleman's tailors, as we were able to easily acquire a full list of the books borrowed by Mr. James:

  The Little Book of Sayings of Oscar Wilde
edited by Alexander Noble.

  Who's Who in British History, Late Hanoverian Britain
, 1789-1837.

  A Macabre Miscellany
by Geoffrey Abbott.

  The Vulgar Tongue, Buckish Slang and Pickpocket Eloquenc
e by Francis Grose.

  The City of Dreadful Night
by James Thomson.

  Origins of the Popular Style, The Antecedents of Twentieth Century Popular Music
by Peter Van Der Merwe.

  An Incomplete History of the Art of Funerary Violin
by Rohan Kriwaczek.

  Nazi Literature in the Americas
by Roberto Bolano.

  British Mousetraps and their Makers
by David Drummond.

  My Secret Life, The Sex Diaries of a Victorian Gentleman, Volume One, Early Memories
by “Walter”.