Nothing Matters (Family Matters Book 1) (26 page)

"I only skipped half a day," Flynn said, and somehow he laughed at that.

"Who are you texting?" I asked, annoyed by his behavior.

He kept texting, then said, "Just seeing if Jakey was around."

"And is he?" I asked.

"No."

I rolled my eyes at him.  He put his phone down and turned his attention to us.  "So, you guys are good now?"  I had no idea what he meant, but Flynn nodded and said, "Yeah, we're good." 

"Have you been accepted at college yet?" he asked.

"I should hear in the next few weeks," Flynn replied.

"You doing okay in your English now?" he asked me.

"I'm actually doing better in Spanish," I laughed, but that didn't even get a smile from him.

Our meals came out.  Cash shook out his napkin.  He took one corner and tucked it in the front of his shirt, but he made an elaborate display of it, as if he wasn't satisfied that it was covering his shirt adequately.  He kept adjusting it at his collar.  He got me annoyed again and I said sarcastically, "Do you want me to fix that?"

"I don't want to stain my shirt," he retorted, then picked up his fork, staring off in the distance.

Flynn started to eat with vigor, claiming his dish was delicious.  I agreed mine was too and we discussed the merits of our food. 

"Have you thought of doing a chef course?" Flynn asked.  "You'd be good at that."

I shook my head, the idea had never crossed my mind.  "How do you train for that?" I asked.  Surely you didn't have to go to college for it.  He said I should look into it, I wondered if it could be a possibility.

"Do you know?" I asked Cassian.

It took him a moment to realize I was talking to him, so engrossed was he in twirling his spaghetti on his fork, almost in a deliberate way, as if his OCD tendencies were on the rise.  "Know what?" he snapped, aware that I was staring at him.

"How to train to be a chef? Jesus, what's your problem?"

He ignored me, took a sip of water, and stood up brusquely, pulling out his napkin,  "Do you want a soda?  I feel like one.  Flynn?"   Flynn asked for a Coke, but I shook my head.  He went off to the bar.

"I don't know what his problem is," I said to Flynn.  Flynn shrugged, but half smiled.

"It's kind of nice to do this," he said, "especially after the day we've had."

I nodded.  "Yeah.  And I'm glad you found me." I was almost too scared to look at him as I said it, and I only lifted my eyes after.

"Communication," he said, "that's what we need.  Don't alienate me Magdala.  I think we still need each other."  He took a mouthful of food, swallowed and said, "We'll always be in this together.  No matter what happens."

I took a drink of water, my eyes tearing over again.  But I didn't want to cry.  I reached out for his leg, placing my hand on his thigh.  He lightly touched it with his bad arm, his stump, because his other hand was holding his fork.  I nodded and forced a smile out.  I released my hand and picked up my napkin, dabbing at my mouth, then my eyes.

Cassian returned with two drinks.  He looked from me to Flynn and back to me again.

"Do you need a moment?" he asked and I was surprised at his unexpected sensitivity.  "I can make myself scarce."  And without waiting for a reply, placed the drinks down and left.  Flynn put his fork down and reached over, entwining my hand with his. 

"I want us to work things out.  Some day.  When we're ready," he said.  I didn't know what to say, because truthfully his words had taken me by surprise.  But I didn't want to say nothing. 

"One day," I stumbled, "who knows?  I might get my act together."  I tried a smile, but it was feeble, verging on tears again.  I used the napkin to sniff, hardly appropriate.

"I wish I had your strength," he said, totally throwing me.

"My strength?" I asked in disbelief.  "I don't have strength.  I'm, I'm weak.  I’m pathetic."

Flynn shook his head, his grey-blue eyes piercing in their clarity.  "No.  You're anything but weak.  You have no idea just how brave and courageous you are."  And he squeezed my hand tightly, and then the waitress came and took our plates.

"Are you ready to go?" Cash asked when he returned some minutes later.  He seemed hot and bothered.  I wondered where he'd been.  He downed his soda in almost one gulp.

"No dessert?" I asked.

"It's getting late," he said, though it had only just gone nine.  "I've got an early lecture tomorrow."  He signaled for the check, and I went to the restroom.  I checked my makeup, thinking my mascara may have smudged, but it all appeared to be intact.  The restroom door opened forcefully and Cassian's old boss thrust through the door, moving quickly, her hands up rearranging her hair, which was now in loose tendrils around her face.   She glanced at me, but her face was unsmiling, stressed, under strain.  Then a glimmer of recognition came to her eyes and she briefly smiled and disappeared into a cubicle.  I raised my eyebrows in bemusement and left.

We dropped Flynn home and he insisted I go inside with him as his parents wanted to say hello to me.  Cash said to take my time, but I was only gone five minutes, and he must have been talking on his phone because he hung up quickly when I returned.

"I saw your old boss in the restroom," I said, and though he looked at me he didn't reply.  I repeated myself, only louder.  "I saw your old boss in the restroom."

He snapped, "Yeah.  So what?"

"Hell, what is your problem?" I said, mockingly.  "You've been acting weird all night."

He pretended to be concentrating on his driving.  I wondered if I'd sounded too insensitive, and tried to diffuse him with a softer, "Is everything all right?"  Maybe the phone call he'd had wasn't good news, though I had no idea of what, why or how.

"Everything's fine," he said, but when we got home he let me out saying, "I've just got to go and pick up something, I won't be long."  And he was gone before I could utter a single word or question him.

And I know he hadn't come home by midnight which is when I finally turned off my light. I queried Cassian about his whereabouts but he fobbed me off saying he thought he was home before twelve, because my light had been on.  But I swore I never heard him. He was cagey about where he'd been, what he had to pick up and I worried whether he was involved in drugs.  I decided I would check with Jakey, though it seemed highly improbable that Cash would ever do drugs.  He was vehemently against them, he had even helped run an anti-drug campaign at his school last year, something that would look good on his CV, he had said at the time.  And Dad had an absolute zero tolerance to drugs and cigarettes.  We knew we'd be dead if we ever touched them.  

But I couldn't possibly think what else he would be so secretive about.  Unless it was his supposed girlfriend, who he was apparently no longer seeing.  I still assumed it was someone he had played tennis with, though he had a whole different training squad now and wasn't getting coaching anymore.  In fact, he was doing some coaching these days.  My mind was befuddled, maybe it was just me not being able to track what everyone else was doing, maybe I'd been in the cocoon for too long.

Chapter 12

FLYNN

It was the week before Cassidy's first birthday, the day looming on the horizon and my thoughts centered on Magdala, wondering if all the gains she'd made would suddenly be lost again.  Why did it always seem like one step forward, two steps back. 

It was Mom who suggested we have a celebration party.  At first I rejected it outright, asking sarcastically whether she thought a cake and balloons and streamers was really appropriate.  Mom had said balloons would be nice, a symbol, and a party would acknowledge Cassidy and be a nice way to bring together all those who loved her.  I then had to admit it made sense.  And it would be better than just ignoring the day, hiding from the truth, from reality.   I rang Trey, Magdala's Dad and asked him what he thought, whether Magdala was in the right frame of mind.  I hadn't really seen much of her lately.  Again her school attendance had been sporadic and I wasn't sure if he knew or not.  But I didn't want to be the one to rat on her.

Trey was enthusiastic about it, and so my mother then bolted into action.  She wanted to host it at our place.  She always thought Magdala's family had done more than their fair share and I think she saw this as her chance to contribute.  She organized caterers, decorations and  conferred with Trey and Antonia for a guest list.  In the end it was to be a surprise for Magdala, and I was slightly at two minds about this, fearing that it could go fifty fifty.  She would either love it, or hate it with a vengeance.  But the parents couldn't be dissuaded once they'd set their hearts on it, and it was decided Jakey would be the one to get her to our place.  Again, I didn't see how that would be practical, there was no reason Jakey would ever visit my parents.  So then it got changed to Cassian.  It was feasible that he would visit my mother about medical matters, so they all said.  But the only time Cassian had been to our place was when he told me to leave Magdala.  However, it was out of my hands and I decided it was easiest to just go along with the arrangements.  Cassidy's birthday conveniently fell on a Friday, so the party would be in the evening and a crowd had already formed by six, and we weren't expecting her till seven.  A group from school had been invited and the girls, Clare and Jess and also Emmalee were excitedly doing last minute decorating, all things pink and lilac.  A nervousness engulfed me, I really felt quite sick, envisaging an outbreak of tears, by both me or her, or both.  Strangely everyone focused on Magdala, no one on me, and it's not like I craved any attention, but it was assumed I was okay with everything and that I would cope.  But as the time dawned I wasn't so confident of my own actions, of my ability to deal with what lay ahead.

I'd texted Magdala that morning and said I'd catch up with her that evening, and she said yes, that would be nice, she would have dinner at her parents and see me after that.  So Cassian gave her the pretense that he was driving her home, then he told her he was detouring to my place to get me, and then, of course, she would see all the cars and know something was up.

She definitely looked overwhelmed when she saw the turnout, and I could see her trying to hold herself together.  Mom was all over her, then Antonia and Trey and she looked around, it was hard to say who she was searching for, but her eyes lit up at recognition of various faces, her cousins, aunts, uncles, my sister, school friends.  I hung back, already feeling the emotion building,  unsure of whether I should even approach her.  The cake had been done in a shape of a teddy bear and that reminded me of Berty, the bear we had buried with Cassidy, her favorite one.  It was another reason to get choked up. 

James came up to me, patted my back, "How you doing?" I shrugged, not wanting to open my mouth, worried I would lose it.  He kept his hand on my shoulder. "You want a beer Flynn?" he asked, "I'll get you a beer."  And he went, almost like he didn't want to be caught with me if I couldn't hold it together, like he wouldn't know how to comfort me.  He seemed relieved when he dropped me back the beer and saw Cassian had joined me. 

Cassian had brought me a plate of nibbles, and I'd taken a pastry case that had flaked all over me with one bite, so I was busily brushing crumbs off me.  I tried to laugh it off.

"Hey," he said, assisting me, and handing me a napkin, "can you believe it's been a year?"

I wiped at my mouth, just nodded.  "It was like the best day of my life," he continued. 

I nodded again, and laughed.  "You did do an awesome job," I admitted.  "Especially when Magdala was refusing to have the baby."

He laughed, "She was so funny."  And he had a nostalgic look about him as he was reminiscing.  "You guys were such good parents," he said.  Then he looked at me.  "You do know that, don't you?"

No one had told me that, or if they had I had never registered it.  And to hear it from Cassian, who I openly despised, was a revelation.  It was almost as if he sensed my despair, sensed my sadness, when no one else was considering me at all.  It was highly ironic.  I took a long swig of my beer.

"Hey, I know I'm probably the last person you want to be talking to," he said candidly, " but you have my respect for the way you were a father to Cassidy."  He nodded at me, the look in his eyes genuine, and I felt somewhat overcome, lowered my head.  Because this time last year I had become a father, a dad.  And now my daughter was dead.  And at that moment I lost it.  Just randomly lost it.

And Cassian held me, in a hug.  I felt a mixture of emotion, of rage and grief, of love and hate, of resentment, of unfairness, of my daughter's life snatched away.  And he said nothing, just held me, let me cry, let me sob on his shoulder, like I was a kid and he was a parent.  His arm came around the back of me, but there was no awkwardness, because it seemed as if he knew, that he understood what I was going through.  Magdala had told me that he was intuitive to her needs, and here he was was, comforting me, even though we both knew that he was not my favorite person. 

Then Magdala's voice was beside us, "Flynn?"  And she joined us in a three way hug, and somehow the sobs became sniffs, then giggles and Magdala kissed me and then Cassian, and we laughed and recalled the delivery, all the details, the good and bad, the screams, the suffering, the joy and pure happiness.  It was like I'd had my blow out, my release of tears and could then move on.  And that's what we celebrated that evening, the birth day of our darling little girl, with cake, candles and balloons, and all things glittery.

After a couple of beers I had relaxed and did the rounds of all the visitors and everyone complimented Mom and Dad on a great night.  Both families got on so well that it almost seemed like they were preparing for the next party which would be Cassidy's one year anniversary.  Magdala, Cassian, Jakey and Raff were out by the pool.  Jakey and Raff had been drinking, and Magdala had had a few drinks, but Cassian was drinking juice.  I went and joined them, squeezing in between Magdala and Jakey.

"What a day," Jakey said.  "How quickly time flies."  Magdala took my hand, smiled, leaned her head against me.  My whole body responded to her touch, in a sexual way.  That hadn't happened for some time.  Maybe it was the alcohol.  I turned my head and kissed her cheek.

"It's been so nice having everyone together," Magdala said.

"And for a happy occasion," Jakey replied.  It then occurred to me that everyone did consider this to be a celebration, even Magdala, that so far she hadn't broken down, she'd been strong, stronger than me.  I realized then that I wanted her, wanted her in that way, wanted her badly.  I squeezed her hand tighter. 

Most people were moving on, it was getting close to midnight, but Jakey and Raff grabbed another drink and didn't look like they were in a hurry to leave.  Someone brought out more food.  Magdala got up to use the bathroom, and I waited a few minutes, then got up and went into the kitchen.  I loitered in the hallway, pretending to be looking at the cards that people had brought.  In lieu of gifts we had asked people to donate to child cancer  and there were quite a few generous donations.  Magdala saw me and stopped, looking over my shoulder reading the cards.  My arm slipped around her waist and she leaned into me again.  I bent down and kissed her on the lips, my heart was racing, hoping she'd respond, and she did.  My tongue then pushed through, tasting, exploring.  My other arm went around her too and the intensity amped up.  Her tongue pressed through, her arms stroked my back.  Seconds passed, surely a minute.  I briefly pulled back, our eyes locked.  I gently gestured towards my bedroom and we did a fast walk down the hall, closing and locking the door behind us.

Another flurry of kisses mingling the tastes of my beer and her rum and cola, alcohol releasing our inhibitions, our bodies relaxing into each other as we sat on the bed, then laid down, the moment, the situation, the circumstances aligning in such a way that there was no thinking, no considerations, no implications, no connected ideas, no rational judgment.  Though I did produce and put on a condom.  And we made love on that same bed where Cassidy had been conceived, and afterwards there were no declarations, no consequences, no apologies, no regrets.

MAGDALA

Dad wanted me to go around for dinner on Cassidy's first birthday, he'd said Antonia was planning something.  He made me think that I better not refuse, that it sounded like Antonia was putting a lot of effort into it.  So I agreed.  Flynn had texted and wanted to get together too, so I told him I'd come around later.  As it was, Cassian was driving that night and he said we'd go by Flynn's first so I imagined that meant Dad had invited him for dinner too.

But then it turned out there was a surprise party at Flynn's place, that Julie had organized it, that everyone was there.  All my aunts, uncles, cousins, Grandad, Flynn's friends from school, his aunts, uncles and cousins, grandparents.  Because it was so unexpected I didn't have a chance to get upset, and by time I greeted and hugged a few people I could only be in a good mood.  Julie had done a great job of decorating and it looked exactly like a party we would have planned for Cassidy - had she been alive.  I was touching the butterfly candles when Jakey put a drink in my hand, a bottle of rum and cola pre-mix.

"Just drink it," he said, as he fingered the pink pony placemats.  I looked at him, half shocked, because I don't usually drink alcohol, other than an occasional beer, but he said, "You're going to need it."  And so with his arm around my waist, I took a swig.  "Okay?" he asked and I nodded.  The taste was fine, I didn't mind it at all.  I took another swig.  He smiled, "Enjoy yourself baby girl, just have some fun."

More people came up to me, many I hadn't seen since the funeral and maybe I would have broken down by this stage, but the alcohol seemed to take the edge off, and no sooner had I finished the first bottle, then Jakey replaced it.

Then I saw Flynn.  He was with Cassian, in a bear hug and it looked like he was crying.  I took another sip of my drink and approached them.  "Flynn?" I asked, slightly confused, because usually Flynn avoided Cash.  He never made any secret of the fact either and I presumed it was because he thought Cash blamed him for leaving me.  He glanced up, and his eyes were streaming and I joined the hug, and I started welling up too, but then Cash said, "Here's to remembering the best day of our lives."   We released and I kissed them both and we recalled that day as vividly as if it were yesterday, with the tears subsiding, the laughter arising, the screams remembered, and the photos on our phones a reminder of the precious little girl who changed our lives.

I was more social that night than I'd ever been and I guessed it was due to the alcohol.  Jakey and Raff kept me topped up, and it actually reminded me of the only other time I'd gotten drunk, which was at the party with Nathan.  I smiled as I recalled that night, where I'd been so happy, so mouthy, playing football in a dress and heels.  I was thinking about all this when Flynn came and joined us, sitting between me and Jakey.  I snuggled into Flynn, still thinking of Nathan and that night.  Hell, I hadn't thought of Nathan for months and months, and I suddenly wondered what he would be up to now.  He would have graduated when Jakey and Cash did but he never had college plans.  He'd be an electrician like his Dad, or a builder, a plumber or something like that he had always said.  I vaguely wondered what he'd chosen.  Actually he had sent a card when Cassidy died, I was sure of it.  I thought I must check when I got home.  Flynn kissed my cheek, squeezed my hand tighter and I squeezed back, a shiver running through me.  I got up and used the bathroom, the thing with drinking is it made you go more frequently.  Crazily I carried my bottle in with me.  Flynn was looking at the cards people had given for Cassidy.  He put his arm around me as I read through them with him, and then, in what seemed like an act of spontaneity, we were kissing and then he directed me towards his room and we moved quickly, like we didn't want anyone to see us. 

We continued kissing, I took a last swig of my drink and we were on the bed, more kissing, underwear removed, condom rolled on, and my mind was fuzzy, but I was aware of what I was doing.  But it almost felt like I was observing it all, looking down on the two of us making love.  Watching myself touch and feel and grope along his back, his shoulders, and him sliding his body alongside mine, sending it into spasms of sensations, but somehow it didn't seem like my body and mind were connected, that things were happening independently.

Afterward we both laid there, and I realized we'd hardly spoken, only the occasional moan or groan and Flynn said, "We don't want them wondering where we've gone," and he got up, removed the condom and went into his bathroom.  I pulled my panties back on, ran my hand through my hair and went down to the kitchen.  I poured myself a glass of water and sat at the table where Antonia and Julie and several other ladies were talking.  Antonia put her arm around me, pushed a plate of pizza closer to me, so I grabbed a piece.  I saw Flynn walk through towards the pool area, another beer in his hand.  We smiled at each other.  He went and sat with the boys.  I could feel myself falling asleep on Antonia's shoulder, and then I felt Cassian taking me to the car and the next morning I woke up in my own bed, in my pajamas, my makeup smeared under my eyes.