Nothing Matters (Family Matters Book 1) (19 page)

"Same," I said, then realized that's what I use to say to Nathan.  In the background I heard Devon shout, "I love you too, Mags," and I half smiled.

Devon was fearless on the JetSki and the speeds he went at first terrified me, had me screaming in his ear, but he'd just say, "Hold tighter babe!"  Every morning at the resort, it happened that Connor, Devon and I would hit the surf early, Kate, Ariana and Raff would hit the pool and Jakey and Cassian would hit the gym.  Then we would all meet for breakfast.  And decide what our plans for the day were.

One day we hired a minivan and drove to a waterfall and rock pool.  We stopped at a coffee plantation on the way.  We were doing typical tourist things, and Connor acted like he was the tour guide.  We were swimming in the pool, cool crisp water on the edge of a jungle, a postcard picture setting and we had chosen a spot away from other visitors.  Everyone was in the water, splashing, diving under, jumping off the rocks.  The boys, Ariana, and I were lined up taking turns bombing off a rock.  Kate kept shouting out to us to check the water, she didn't want any broken necks.  She and Connor were smooching in the shallow water, it was amusing to see how affectionate with each other they were.  Aunt Kate's bikini was skimpier than mine, I was in my bikini top but had my board shorts on.  I was lined up behind Ariana to jump again.  Devon had just jumped and Ari was waiting for the water to calm down.  Suddenly Jakey yelled, "Bug on your leg, Magdala!"  There were a lot of spiders, insects, creepy crawlers around, and I'm not usually afraid of such things, but looking down, a big bug was crawling up my thigh.  I squealed, it moved higher, and I immediately pulled my board shorts down and jumped out of them, shouting, "Is it gone?  Where is it?" while jumping and dancing a jig at the same time.  Ari screamed with me, but the boys were laughing. 

"It's gone, it's gone," Jakey shouted and I looked down to check, hoping it hadn't gone in my bikini bottoms.  "It flew off," Jakey said, laughing.  But I noticed he was staring at me.

"Are you sure?" I asked, looking down and checking my back.  Now all the boys were staring,  and it had gone silent and I looked down, half expecting to see a humongous bug on my leg but it hit me what they were looking at.  My scar.  Running from the centre of my thigh an inch below my bikini going all the way into my groin.  There was no finishing point visible.  Cassian was suddenly standing next to me, having just jumped up onto the rock.  He swiftly picked up my shorts, shook them out, turned me around and handed them to me.  The boys started splashing again.

"It's gone," Cash said, and he looked into my eyes for a moment, shock on his face.  He put his arm on my shoulder and I balanced on him as I pulled my shorts back on.  "Okay?" he asked and I nodded.  He pulled me close for just a fraction and his arm lingered on my back. 

"Should I jump?" Ari asked and the boys yelled at her to, and then Cash smiled and gave me a gentle shove and I fell in behind her.  We continued on as if no one had seen anything.  But later that night Jakey and Raff came up to me after dinner and for no reason whatsoever hugged me.

FLYNN

Magdala texted me from Mexico City a few times that first week she was gone, then she sent a text saying:  no phone for 2 weeks :(  

I presumed it meant they were staying somewhere remote, with no wifi, but I didn't  know where in Mexico that would be.  I knew that by time she was on her cruise we would be in Colorado, doing our road trip/camping/visiting relatives family vacation thing.  I wished we did stuff like beach resorts and cruises, but Mom and Dad preferred holidays which involved the great outdoors, exploring, nature.  As if a beach wasn't nature enough.  You live five minutes from the beach, Dad had said, yet you rarely go, so why would you want to holiday there?  He had a point.  Also with Sam, my older brother starting college in the fall, it was highly likely this would be our last family vacation together.  Mom and Dad wanted to make the most of it.  Sam was going up to Berkeley, the family unit was going to be changing. 

One week of our holiday was spent in a lake cabin, isolated, no wifi, which made me laugh.  We spent days fishing, boating, swimming and water skiing.  Then we visited Dad's sisters in a small town, and I caught up on social media.  I understood why Magdala wasn't keeping in touch.  Seems she'd forgotten about me.  There were no posts on her page, but there were photos of her on holiday with a boy called Devon.  I checked out his accounts, him and Magdala on a JetSki, in a hotel pool, on a balcony, with their surfboards, on the cruise ship even.  Some photos had her brother and cousins in them, but most didn't.  He went to Beverly High, he was blonde, a good looking guy with two hands.  I felt sick, like devastated.  Like I had thought we had something real, but I should have trusted my insecurities, known a girl like her would never be serious about a boy like me.  Who had I been trying to fool?  Myself?  My only consolation was that apart from James and my parents, no one actually knew we'd dated.  It had all been very low key, under the radar, so I wouldn't have any explanations to dish out. School rolled around all too soon, but a part of me was looking forward to it because I was dying to see Magdala.  I resisted the temptation to check out the surf shop, but James had told me he'd been in a few times and she hadn't been there.  I never saw her at registration so can only assume she went at a different time.  Mom asked me about her.  I told her the truth, that I hadn't heard from her since the start of her holiday.  Mom looked disappointed for me, patted my back, and I pretended to shrug it off, making it out it to be no big deal.

Chapter 8

MAGDALA

Cassian dropped his bombshell the day before school registration, that he was returning to Beverly for his senior year, which meant I was starting school alone.  I know my mouth dropped open, I felt like I'd been blind sided, like this move was all about new beginnings for us.  Now it seemed it was just new beginnings for me.  Dad placated me with Cash needs to graduate with his friends, Cash is planning to study pre-med, Cash needs to get good grades.  It was all about Cash.  I bit my lip, not wanting to cry in front of them all.  There was Antonia saying how Cash would make a great doctor, Dad agreeing. 

"I thought you wanted to be a pilot," I said weakly, staring at him.  For years he'd spoken of wanting to fly.

Cash shook his head, muttered, "I've changed my mind."  And I continued to stare him down, thinking I didn't know him, my own brother, that I didn't know him anymore.  With his secret girlfriend, ambitions of medical school, when had we grown so far apart?  When did it start that he couldn't talk to me anymore, that he wouldn't confide in me?  But I already knew the answer.

I feel sick about starting school and I'm nervous about seeing Flynn.  I convince myself that I'll treat him like a friend if we run into each other.  He never made any great effort to keep in touch, so maybe he's grateful we've disconnected, uncoupled, whatever you want to call it.

We end up in the same science class.  In the first lesson I see him as I enter the room, sitting at the back with his friends.  He looks at me, and I almost smile at him, but the acknowledgement in his eyes is feeble, blank, like he is ignoring me, so I sit in the front bench, next to an Asian girl.  And I never look back.  I decide that I can play that game too, pretend there was nothing between us, pretend we never made love, pretend we never proclaimed our love to each other.  I know how to shut people out, I've done it before.

In the lunch room, I'm on my own, tray in hand, trying to look for a face I recognize, from home room, or science or music.  Again I see him, again he looks down, deliberately away, but now I feel crushed and I'm not sure why.  Didn't I just tell myself I was over him?  If so, why do I feel like I've been abandoned, punched in the guts, heavy in my chest?  I spy Alice, my science partner and she looks surprised to see me sit at her table with other Asian students. 

That evening, because I feel so angry with him I text him:  why did you ignore me today?  And he texts back: haven't we broken up?  I don't reply.

The next few days I eat lunch in my car; but by the end of the week I'm eating in the courtyard, with a guy called Jarryd who rides the waves every morning.  We talk a lot of surfing, that's all we do talk about, he's brilliant, and I learn a lot from him.  I make it a new habit to get to the beach every morning.  Jarryd's a senior, he's not boyfriend material, and I feel no pressure when I'm around him.  He treats me like a kid sister.

Also, the court case is looming.  It got delayed, I have no idea why, but it's set for September, was originally May.  I tried not to think about it why we were on vacation, but now that I'm into a daily routine, it's weighing on my mind.  I won't see him, I've been told, I'll be on a cctv link.  Doesn't make it any less frightening though.  I've been trying to just block it out, and then on the day it happens, it can just happen.  My mind works in weird ways, I know.

Flynn's locker is fairly close to mine.  I've devised a plan to be either really early or close to late so I don't run into him.  It's hurting me to even see him, I don't know why.  His rejection has hit me harder than I want it to.  One afternoon I time it wrong, I'm at my locker and from the corner of my eye I see him at his.  I rummage around longer than is necessary, hoping he'll move on.  Then, he's beside me.

"Hey," he says, and it's been a long time since I've heard his voice and it vibrates through me.

"Hey," I reply, not looking.

"Everything going okay?" he asks.

"Yeah," I say, but it's not.  It sucks, everything sucks.  School sucks, life sucks.  I finally close my locker door, my eyes won't look at him.

"Magdala," he says and I like the sound of my name from his lips.  I look to him expectantly, like he's going to say something profound, something to put me out of my misery.  His eyes look away when mine meet his.  "I'll see you around," he says and I feel my whole body just slump.

I don't understand my feelings, I don't understand his.  I thought I was the best thing to happen to him; that's what he told me, and I believed him.  Seems he's moved on, maybe he used me, just as I had used him to escape my worst memory.  But it dawns on me, and the realization hits hard, that I can't remove, can't forget, can't delete.  I will, forever more, be The Girl Who Was Raped.

I try to join the school orchestra, and get this, I get offered the cymbals, because there is already a long standing piano player, and they don't need two.  I'm too late for the theatre auditions, not good enough for tennis, volleyball, water polo.  I feel like a failure.  So what do I do?  I surf, I go to the gym, do pump and Pilates classes and lift weights, I go to work on weekends.  Alice is kind to me at school, Jarryd lets me eat lunch with him, Cassian and Jakey hang out with me when they can, Flynn avoids me.

Then I find out why.  I'm with Jakey on a Friday night, out eating pizza with a bunch of his friends, including Devon.  Devon's sitting next to me, looking through his phone, shows me some holiday photos.  There are photos I haven't seen, didn't even know were taken.  Me and Devon leaning over a balcony, lying on the beach, on the JetSki, licking ice cream, even a kiss while sitting in a restaurant.  Some photos have Jakey, Raff or Cash in, but most don't.  Was I blind, was I stupid?  Devon was taking selfies of us all holiday, and I didn't notice? 

"Did you post these online?" I ask.  He doesn't answer.  I ask Jakey, who shrugs and says he thinks he saw a couple on Snapchat, Instagram, whatever.  Even stupid me can put two and two together.  I text Flynn:  I never went out with Devon.  He texts back: it sure looked like you did.  And the heaviness in my chest feels like it's crushing me.

NATHAN

It's an ordinary Sunday, a slow day at work because it's been raining the whole day.  I finish at four, take my usual route home, listening to the radio.  No particular thoughts in my head.  When I see the silver Camaro my body straightens.  I put my foot down a little more, increase the speed of the  wipers, peer out at the number plate.  I read it out loud, I know it by heart, but still double check.  My heart rate is elevated.  I indicate and change lane, getting closer so I can see in.  There's moisture on the windows, but I recognize him from a photo I've seen of him, fair hair but I know the face, know it's him.

I slow down and move my car back so I'm behind him.  I can't tell you what I'm thinking; I don't know.  I'm just driving, just driving.  I drop back more.  He accelerates, starts to change lane, I follow, increase my speed.  An exit coming up soon, he speeds up, starts to change lane again, I go faster, my car clips his, he brakes, tries to swerve, hits the barrier. I try to brake and instinctively turn my steering wheel hard right.

I haven't lost consciousness, I'm fully aware, but it's like maybe twenty seconds of my life happens without me.  I'm not sure where my car is, but I'm the right way up, still buckled in but my left leg is fucking painful.  The window wipers aren't moving, so I can't see out.  The insides of the windows are fogging up.  I try to reach for the window winder, thinking I'll unwind the window, but then find the door opens.

A  female voice shouts, "Are you okay?  Can you hear me?"

I swallow before I can answer.  "Yeah."  My voice sounds odd.

A hand reaches in, checks the ignition is off.  I could have done that, I seem to be able to move both arms.  A cloth dabs at my head.  "There's some bleeding," the voice says, but it doesn't sound like she's saying it to me.

Now she is.  "Emergency services are on their way.  Hang tight."

"Yeah," I say, knowing I can't move anyway.

"Do you have any pain?" The voice asks.  I don't think I've moved my head, haven't actually seen what this person looks like, wonder if my neck is broken.

"My leg," I say, and my eyes look down for the first time.  The angle doesn't look right, I look away quickly, wonder if that's broken.

The sound of sirens gets closer.  Paramedics and police surround me.  I give my name.  They give me some gas before they move me from the car, but it's not enough.  The pain is terrible, and I wish that they would just hurry up and get me into the fucking ambulance.  Everyone is kind, full of reassurance and support, I'm going to be all right, I'll be out of here in no time, I'm getting the best care.  But something tells me the pain is going to be nothing compared to Mom and Dad finding out and the shit I'm going to be in.

I have to go to surgery to get my leg set, apparently it was a nasty break.  I'm only in hospital one night, and come out with a cast and crutches and plenty of painkillers. There is nothing else wrong with me apart from a bad headache and a stiff neck.

But
He
is dead.

Probably killed instantly when his car flipped.  He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. 

The police are on me, questioning me.  Dad has told me not to mention knowing the dead guy, but I'd pretty much figured that one myself. Mom is stressing about insurance, lawyers and fees, school and exams.  I feel bad.  I know I've done a bad thing.  I know Mom is going through hell.  But there's something I can't really explain.  Knowing that he is dead, that Magdala doesn't have to face him, that she doesn't have to retell the rape in a courtroom gives me a kind of calm, a kind of closure.  That I've vindicated myself, made things up to her, done something, even though I hope like fuck that she never finds out.

MAGDALA

It's a Tuesday afternoon and Dad has left a message on my phone:  come home as soon as you can, nothing's wrong, but just come quickly.

So I go straight home, and both Dad and Antonia are there already.  Dad looks happy, smiling, well they both are.  I have no idea what's going on.  Dad says we'll just wait for Cassian, that he's on his way too.  I'm thinking maybe we're going on a holiday, that they have a  weekend trip planned or something.  Cassian arrives with Jakey and it's been a few weeks since I've seen him, so we hug, and Dad makes us sit down.

He says the police visited him this morning, that he has some news, and I'm confused why he and Antonia are smiling about it.  It seems that on Sunday
He
, the guy who raped me, was in a car accident and died at the scene.  That there will be no trial, no court case for me to have to go through, that
He
is dead.  The court case date had already been rescheduled twice before, originally it was set for May, then July, then September. And each time it was like the delays were just drawing out, extending my misery, my memories, like I couldn't forget anything because it was crucial to remember every detail, crucial to nailing the guy, crucial to getting him jail time.

Dad is basically in tears as he tells me, hugs me, calling it fate, payback, justice.  He says he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, and that blood tests show he had alcohol in his system.  The relief that comes over me isn't immediate, it takes me a few minutes to understand what it all means.  But Jakey puts it into context for me.  "Magdala," he says, "you don't have to worry now.  The scum is gone, got his just desserts.  He's no longer a threat to you, or society.  There's no longer anything to fear."

And he has summarized it accurately - that there's no longer anything to fear.  Fear has been lingering, usually in the background, the fear of an accidental sighting or meeting, the fear that I might have seen him, on the highway, in a store, at the movies, somewhere, anywhere.  It's been lifted, but it's not till later that night that my emotions surface, that the closure envelops me and when Cassian comes to my room to check on me I finally break down and cry.  The one thing I'm not supposed to do.  But I cry like a baby, like I'm letting everything I held inside release.  And it almost feels like freedom.  Cash holds me in his arms, then he tells me to sleep and in the morning he's still on the other side of my bed, one of my teddy bears tucked under his arm.

It's December already and the early morning surfs are getting harder, but Jarryd never misses a morning and he inspires me to keep at it.  He says I could turn pro some day, he thinks I'm that good.  One morning we are back at his place after a surf, sitting on his verandah while he brings me out a bagel and juice.  I pull down my wetsuit, dry off.  I've accidentally exposed a little too much of my belly and go to grab my dress to pull on.  Jarryd puts the tray on the table, laughs and says, "Wow, maybe I need to lay off the cream cheese, looks like I'm feeding you too many bagels and Snickers."  He often gives me a Snickers bar at lunch.  I look down at my belly, which does look round, inflated, protruded.  I immediately straighten up, pull my tummy in.

"I'm just bloated," I defend quickly, but notice that tightening it hasn't improved it much.  I pull my dress on and peel off my wetsuit.  I only eat half the bagel, unusual for me and he comments, "I was only joking Magdala.  Don't go anorexic on me."

I smile and say, "I better get a move on."