Thirty
The subway ride was long and I was cold. I hadn’t grabbed my jacket when I left the apartment. I just left. I couldn’t stand to have him look at me like that anymore. I’d crushed him. Destroyed everything we had together and I knew he would hate me for the rest of my life.
When I got to Drew’s apartment building, the doorman eyed me curiously, but opened the door for me and I was grateful to be out of the cold. I rubbed my arms vigorously as I walked into the warm lobby and over to the intercom. I pushed the button for Drew’s apartment and tried to hold back the tears when I heard his voice.
“It’s me. It’s Natalie,” I said softly into the speaker and I could hear the curious pause in his voice.
“Natalie? Is everything okay?”
“Can I come up?”
“Of course,” he said and then I made my way to the elevator, my heart pounding as I stepped inside, wondering what I would say to him.
I caught my distorted reflection in the gold panels of the elevator and I knew I looked like a mess. I tried wiping the smudged mascara from under my eyes, but I knew it did nothing to help. I prayed the other guests had left because I’d hate to think of them staring at me and I didn’t know how Drew would react either to me showing up at his doorstep with nowhere else to go.
All my worries dissipated though the moment the elevator doors opened and he was there waiting for me. It only took one look and he knew. His arms were open and he was pulling me to him, holding me tightly, not caring who saw. For the first time, we didn’t have to hide. He didn’t have to pretend anymore and neither did I. From the moment we met, I’d been telling myself I didn’t have feelings for this man, this incredible man, but I did have feelings for him. I always had and as he held me now at the lowest point in my life, I never wanted him to let me go.
“You’re freezing,” he said softly as he held me and then he pulled back, draping his arm around me protectively as he led me towards his apartment.
I knew people were still there when we walked inside. I didn’t see anybody, but I could hear voices and bustling in the kitchen and I wondered who it was. We didn’t stop though. He just led me down the hallway and opened his bedroom door, guiding me inside. He encouraged me to sit on the bed and then he stood in front of me, his eyes meeting mine and I’d never seen him look more concerned.
“Wait here. I need to get rid of everyone. I won’t be long,” he said softly and I nodded before he turned and walked out. He shut the door behind him and I could hear his heavy footsteps walking away. I sat silently, taking in my surroundings. The silky comforter I sat on was soft and it felt expensive, just like everything else in the room. He was different than me. So different than anything I’d ever known and I didn’t understand how I’d ended up here. Every moment since we arrived in New York started playing in my memory. Stepping out of the Jeep that first day when Ethan led me to our apartment. That first time in Times Square. Meeting Drew for the first time at my interview, having no idea how much knowing him would change my life. Everything I’d lived since starting my life here had brought me to this place.
The door opened just then and Drew stood there, watching me for a moment, seeming almost nervous to come to me again. When I looked at him now, it wasn’t like I’d ever seen him. He wasn’t Andrew Saben, my boss and businessman. I looked beyond all the damage he’d done and what I’d become as a result of knowing him and he was just Drew and as I looked up at him, there was a freedom in his eyes and I didn’t want to ever lose that freedom.
“I’m sorry for coming here…for barging in on you like this,” I began quietly. “I had nowhere else to go.”
“He knows, doesn’t he?” Drew said and I nodded. “Did you tell him?” I shook my head and he stepped closer to me, still in his impeccable suit and tie, taking my hands and kneeling before me.
“He knew. He just knew,” I said quietly and Drew reached up, wiping the tear from my cheek.
“I’m not sorry he knows,” Drew said.
“Me neither,” I whispered and I could feel myself start to tremble as he held my hands at the implications of my words. “I’m sick and tired of being afraid. Afraid that he’d find out…afraid of you and how…how you make me feel…afraid of never being with you again.”
“You don’t have to be afraid anymore, Natalie,” he told me in the softest, kindest voice I’d ever heard from him, running a hand over my hair. “I’m tired of being afraid too…afraid you’d walk out of my life. I’m tired of trying not to love you.”
The room grew quiet again as his eyes bored into mine and the fear I’d been living in for so long seemed to lessen as I realized I could finally breakaway from the fears and the lies and live my life for me. The lies were over. The hiding was over. I could be honest with myself, no longer pushing down the truth and the truth was I was in love with this man before me and I knew he loved me too. Why else would someone like him want someone like me? I’d already given myself to him and if that’s all he’d wanted from me, he wouldn’t be here now.
“I have nothing to offer you, Drew,” I said softly, breaking our gaze and staring down at the material of my dress. Then, I felt his finger beneath my chin, tilting it up until our eyes met again.
“You have everything to offer me, Natalie.”
He leaned in slowly, brushing his lips gently against mine, soft and delicate, so unlike the kisses we’d shared before. This one wasn’t rushed or hurried or prohibited. It was the most perfect kiss and when he pulled back, he was smiling at me and for the first time since I thought my world had come crumbling in on me, I smiled too. Maybe the path I’d always envisioned for myself wasn’t the one for me after all. Maybe all of that had happened to bring me here, to him, because with him I felt the world was nothing but endless possibilities. I’d been so worried about the future, of what tomorrow would bring, but looking at him now, I knew my tomorrow had been right in front of me all long.
“Are you tired?” he asked a few moments later.
“A little. I think I’m more emotionally drained,” I said and I was glad he hadn’t asked me to rehash what had happened with Ethan. He didn’t need the gory details and I didn’t want to relive them. It was too painful, but even still, I couldn’t stop my mind from wandering back to our little apartment, my clothes a mess on the floor and him alone, wondering what the hell had happened and how I could ever hurt him the way I did. I still loved Ethan and I hated knowing he was hurting because of me.
“You should take a hot bath. That’ll relax you,” he said, pulling me to my feet and I followed him into the bathroom. He started the water in the tub, but I couldn’t stop looking at the counter and what’d we done there just hours earlier. “Here are some fresh towels,” he said, pulling me back to the present. He’d set two fluffy white towels beside the tub and then he walked towards me, pulling me to him, kissing me on the forehead, his lips lingering for a few moments before he let go. “It’ll be okay, Natalie,” he said and then turned and walked towards the door.
“Thank you, Drew,” I called to him softly and he just turned and smiled. “Thank you for everything.”
“No, Natalie,” he said. “Thank you.”
He was gone a second later and I stared at the spot he’d just been, wishing he’d come back.
~~~
I thought Drew would come in during my bath. Passion had always been a key ingredient to our relationship and I thought maybe he’d come in, seducing me in the tub, but he didn’t. He left me alone to relax, with nothing but my thoughts, which wasn’t necessarily a good thing. My mind was such a garbled mess, I didn’t want to think about what had happened for too long.
I don’t know how long I stayed in, but my fingers were pruning when I finally climbed out, wrapping my hair and body with the towels he’d laid out for me. I stepped nervously out of the bathroom and found Drew waiting for me, the suit and tie long gone, replaced with a pair of black lounge pants and a white undershirt that clung to all the right places on his chest. The only light was from the fireplace he must’ve lit while I was still in the bathtub. The room was warm and inviting and the shadows seemed to dance on his face, making him appear even more handsome if that was possible.
“How was your bath?” he asked.
“Nice. Thank you,” I told him, clutching the towel to my body, but I could still see his eyes drift down to where my cleavage was peeking out of the top. I’d be lying if I said my breathing didn’t pick up knowing he was looking at me and that I didn’t want to feel his hands on me again.
“The temperature was okay?” he asked and I noticed he spoke quickly, seeming nervous.
“It was perfect,” I said, with a reassuring smile.
“Good. I was worried because sometimes when the water runs too long, it starts to get cold…it’s a pain in the ass,” he continued and I couldn’t help but laugh a little and he stopped and looked at me curiously.
“You seem nervous,” I told him and I thought I saw his cheeks redden a little.
“I guess I am,” he admitted.
“How’s that possible? You’re Andrew Saben. You’re the most confident person I’ve ever met. You’re never nervous.”
“That’s not true,” he said, glancing down shyly for a moment and then drawing his eyes back to mine. “I’m always nervous around you.”
It was my turn to blush now and it was quiet for a few moments before he went to his dresser and pulled something out before walking over to me.
“I hope this will be okay to sleep in,” he said, holding out a large t-shirt to me.
“It’ll be fine,” I said, taking it from him and setting it on the bed before I pulled the towel off of my head, patting my hair before placing the towel beside the t-shirt. My wet hair fell down my back and then Drew reached up, brushing a loose piece back. His fingers seemed to be trembling as they ran down the side of my face, eventually stopping on my collarbone, sliding slowly from side to side, chills exploding beneath his touch. It was gone a moment later and I longed to feel his skin on mine again.
Mustering all my courage, I reached down and took the hand that had been touching me, and I returned it to the spot it had just been.
“You didn’t have to stop,” I whispered and he stood frozen for a minute, more timid than I’d ever seen him.
“I didn’t want to pressure you,” he said softly. “I thought maybe everything that happened tonight was too much.”
“I need to feel you tonight, Drew. More than I ever have,” I told him quietly, surprised at my forthrightness. He’d always been the leader, but it was me now and he had to know I needed him. “I need you tonight. I need to know that you’re here.”
“I’m here,” he whispered, his fingertips running along the edge of the terrycloth, easing them in between the towel and my breasts until the towel gave and it fell to the floor. My hands found their way to the hem of his shirt and I slowly lifted it over his head until he was standing in front of me in just his pants and my fingers ran over his sculpted stomach. I watched as the muscles tensed as I moved over them and the feeling of knowing I had this kind of control over a man like Drew gave me confidence I’d never had before.
He leaned in then, taking my face in his hands and he pushed his mouth against mine, so gently at first. Sweet, short, innocent kisses and as our mouths continued to explore, I felt him inching me onto the bed until my head was resting on the pillows and he was lying beside me, our lips never losing contact. His hands moved over my body, slow and careful, as if he had all the time in the world because he did. It was different this time. I was discovering a new Drew, one where this wasn’t forbidden…one where we could do whatever we wanted…one where I didn’t belong to someone else, and now that I was free, he was taking his time. He was so giving and patient, making sure I was taken care of, doing whatever I asked of him. It was so different, but so good and when he finally made love to me, I lost myself in him and his slow and steady rhythms, the primal rawness of the other times we’d been together, completely gone, replaced with tenderness and love and that was exactly what I needed from him. I needed to know I was more to him than just sex and the way he moved and touched me, showed me exactly that. When it was over, he clung to me, his cheek pressed against my chest, and I held onto him, showing him how much I needed him…how much I wanted him…showing him how much I loved him and I never imagined being able to do that would feel so good.
Thirty-One
I woke the next morning to the smell of bacon frying. My eyes slowly opened and it took me a moment to realize where I was, the events of the night before seeming like a horrific, yet incredible nightmare. I wasn’t in my small, cramped bedroom back in the apartment Ethan and I had shared. I was in Drew’s bedroom, tucked beneath the warmth of his comforter, wearing absolutely nothing.
I sat up, searching the floor for the t-shirt Drew had given me to sleep in and I found it wadded up next to the towels that had been forgotten too and I grabbed it, pulling it over my head, not nearly as self-conscious as I thought I would be since it only hung to the tops of my thighs.
I walked slowly down the hallway and when I turned the corner, I looked across the great room and could see him at the stove. He must’ve heard me because he looked up from salting some eggs and smiled at me.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Morning,” I replied, a smile on my face as I made my way across the room, pulling out a stool and sitting across from him as my eyes focused on the plate next to him, which appeared to be a pile of pie crumbs.
“Pie for breakfast?” I asked.
“I had to try some of your pecan pie,” he said, grinning at me. “And I have to say it was the best pecan pie I’ve ever had.”
“You’re a liar, but thank you,” I told him and he looked over at me again.
“I’m not lying. It was great,” he said and I appreciated his flattery. “I hope you like bacon and eggs. You do like them, don’t you?” he asked quickly, raising an eyebrow as he looked at me for approval.
“Love them,” I assured him.
“Scrambled okay?”
“Great,” I said. “I didn’t know you cooked,” I pointed out and it suddenly occurred to me there were so many things we didn’t know about each other…so many little things, like how I liked my eggs and that he liked to cook. There was still so much to learn about this man.
“I like to cook when I can and when I have someone to cook for,” he said, pausing for a moment and looking at me with that sly, confident smile I’d grown accustomed to. “Which isn’t very often.”
I couldn’t stop the light laugh that escaped.
“You don’t cook for all your conquests?” I grinned.
“No,” he said and then he looked at me, his smile turning serious. “And you’re so much more than a conquest.”
The intensity with which he looked at me caused my heart to pound and then he reached across the counter, grabbing my hand and kissing the back of it before letting go and turning his attention back to the eggs and bacon.
Breakfast was ready a few minutes later and we sat side by side at the breakfast nook that overlooked Central Park. It was a cold, but bright and sunny day and I could see people running and walking their dogs, as if they had no cares in the world.
“I hope you don’t mind,” he began as we ate. “But while you were sleeping, I ran out and got you something to wear. I didn’t think you’d want to be walking around in your dress from last night. I left you a text in case you woke up before I got back.”
“You didn’t need to get me new clothes,” I told him, but he looked at me insistently.
“Yes, I did.”
He placed his hand on mine for a moment and then continued eating.
“Thank you,” I told him, but he just nodded.
“It’s nothing much. A pair of jeans and a sweater and some boots. I guessed at the sizes. I hope they can fit till we can go out and get you some more stuff.”
“You don’t need to buy me anything,” I said, not wanting him to think I was interested in him because of his money. “I’m going to go get my stuff today.”
“You are?” he asked and I noticed how his fork hovered half-way to his mouth and I nodded.
“I need to get my stuff and then I’ll start looking for a place I can maybe afford on my own.”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” he exclaimed. “I know what you make and you can’t afford anything in the city on that…not unless you wanna live in crack neighborhoods.”
“So, you agree that you pay me a slave’s wage?” I laughed and he just shook his head, but he couldn’t stop the grin from spreading on his face.
“I do not pay you a slave’s wage. I pay you accordingly for your work, skill, and experience.”
“Think what you will, but I can’t stay here.”
“Of course you can and you are. I won’t argue about this. You’re in this predicament because of me,” he said and I felt my carefree grin vanishing.
“So…you just feel sorry for me?”
“No! That’s not what I meant,” he said, reaching over and taking my hand. “If it came out that way, that was not my intention, not at all. I’m sorry. But, the fact remains, Natalie, that had you not met me, you wouldn’t find yourself homeless, so yes, I do take some responsibility for you and I won’t have you living in a slum and I’m for damn sure not letting you throw in the towel and go back to Iowa,” he said adamantly and I felt my smile returning.
“I’ll stay here, but only until I can afford something decent,” I told him and he just grinned, shaking his head as he took another bite of eggs. “What’s so funny?”
“I assure you, after a week of living with me, you’re never gonna want to leave.” His grin was smug and I had a feeling he was right.
“We’ll see about that,” I said, popping a piece of bacon into my mouth.
“About you going to get your stuff,” he said and then paused hesitantly. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”
“I need to get it. I won’t have you buying me all new things when I could just go get my stuff,” I said and it was my turn to take a cautious pause. “Plus…I have to talk to him.”
“No, you don’t. It’s over between you two. What’s there to talk about?”
“I don’t know,” I said softly, moving the eggs around on my plate with my fork. “But, I can’t leave things the way they ended.”
I looked up and saw Drew’s jaw clinched tightly and he swallowed hard.
“Do what you need to do, Natalie. I can’t stop you, but if you’re looking for his forgiveness to make yourself feel better about what’s happened, you’re not going to get it. You need to forgive yourself and move on because that’s all that matters now. What happened between us…it just happened. It’s not your fault and I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty content with how everything worked out.”
I knew he was right. I didn’t know what going to see Ethan would accomplish. Part of me hoped something good could come of it. It was my guilt that was telling me to go.
~~~
The outfit Drew chose for me was a surprisingly good fit. The jeans were a little tight, which made me smile because he thought I was smaller than I actually was. The sweater was comfortable and would keep me warm until I could get my coat.
Drew wanted to come with me, but I told him it was something I needed to do on my own. I’d already hurt Ethan enough and bringing the man I’d betrayed him with was just too cruel. I took a cab, at Drew’s insistence. He stood with me outside the building, flagging down a taxi, got me safely inside and told the driver where I needed to go, handing him a fifty dollar bill.
It felt strange walking into our apartment building. It didn’t seem like I belonged there anymore, almost like I was an intruder after I’d destroyed everything we’d built there.
It was as quiet as ever when I walked in, but as I made my way up the stairs, I could hear the sound of Gene’s TV getting closer and I prayed by some miracle that Doris would not be outside. I didn’t want to talk to her right now. I couldn’t explain to her what I’d done, but as I ascended to the top, there she was, sitting in her chair in one of her many floral mumus. She saw me right away and she didn’t greet me with her usual exuberant smile.
“Hi,” I said timidly when I was standing before her and she shook her head with a tisk-tisk sound coming from her mouth.
“What have you done, sweetie?” she asked sternly.
“I guess you heard us last night.”
“You’d have to be deaf not to. Even Gene heard you for hell’s sake.”
“I’m sorry about that.”
“I just hope it was worth it, honey,” she said sincerely and I willed a smile.
“I think it’s for the best.”
She stood up and hugged me and then went back inside without another word.
I turned to our door and wiggled the handle, only to find it locked. I pulled out my key, wondering if Ethan would even be home. I didn’t know his schedule for today, but as I unlocked the door, I thought maybe it would be better if he wasn’t home and I could gather my things and be on my way.
When I stepped inside though, I found he was there and getting my things and leaving would not be possible. He was sitting on the couch in nothing but his boxer shorts and t-shirt. He had his laptop in front of him, but his head jerked towards me when he heard the door open.
It was like ice flowing between us when his eyes met mine. He was still looking at me with the same hatred and disgust as the night before. I thought maybe he’d have had time to digest everything and although I didn’t expect to be greeted with a smile and a hug, I hoped maybe he wouldn’t look at me the way he was now.
“What are you doing here?” he growled at me.
“I came to get my stuff,” I said nervously, stepping in all the way and shutting the door behind me. I looked down and noticed my clothes were no longer scattered throughout the living room. He must’ve picked them up.
“Go ahead then. It’s in our…it’s in the bedroom,” he said, quickly correcting himself. We both knew it was no longer our bedroom.
I didn’t say anything and neither did he as I crossed the room and entered the bedroom. He’d folded everything neatly, leaving them in a pile on the bed, which looked as if it hadn’t even been slept in. I found my suitcase, the same suitcase I’d used to pack my things when we left Iowa. I didn’t think as I packed. I couldn’t allow my mind to focus on anything other than gathering my things. It hurt too much to think of anything else, especially the man in the other room who I’d hurt.
It didn’t take me long to get my stuff packed. I grabbed what I could, even the dirty clothes and shoved them in my suitcase. I knew I probably left some things behind, but I couldn’t worry about scrounging through every inch of the apartment.
When I was done, I looked once more around the bedroom. I never had fixed it up the way I’d planned when we first moved in and now I’d never get the chance to. I took a deep breath and walked out, back into the living room where Ethan was still sitting on the couch…the couch we’d vowed to replace when we got the money, something that hadn’t happened.
“Are you done?” he asked, but he didn’t bother looking away from his computer.
“Yeah,” I said and I walked, rolling the giant suitcase behind me, until I was near the front door again and he was still staring at the screen of his computer. I looked at him, the guilt I was carrying feeling like a thousand pounds on my shoulders. I felt a lump form in my throat and I opened my mouth to speak, to somehow try and convey to him how sorry I was for doing this to him, needing to bury this guilt. We’d grown apart. New York had changed everything, but what I’d put him through hadn’t been fair. “Ethan?” my voice was low and timid as he continued looking away from me.
“Please just go, Nat,” he said and I was surprised by the calmness in his voice.
“I can’t leave it like this. I can’t just go.”
He finally looked up and I could see he was fighting back tears.
“Yes, you can. You can do so many things I never thought you were capable of.” The softness of his voice was a like a punch in the gut. If he’d only yelled at me, it would’ve been so much easier.
“I know you don’t believe me, but I’m so sorry…for everything.”
“You said that last night. I heard you, Natalie, but forgive me for not believing you,” he said and then his eyes drew up to mine again.
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness and I don’t expect it, but you have to know that I
am
sorry,” I continued, wiping at the tears that were spilling from my eyes. “You have to know that our time together, everything we’ve done…I’ll never forget it and I can’t believe this is how things are ending between us. I wish it had turned out differently.”
“Me too,” he said, quickly wiping at his eye before a tear could fall. “But you did this, not me. I know I wasn’t perfect, but you gave up this fight, Natalie, not me. You’re leaving us behind and believe me, I’ve been racking my brain, reliving everything I did wrong and thinking about what I could’ve done differently to be enough for you…to make you happy, but I know now I never truly made you happy,” he took a deep breath as I continued to wipe the tears away. “So, let’s stop apologizing or blaming each other for why this happened. Let’s just admit it’s done. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t have you here…knowing you’re leaving and going…to him.”
“Someday you’re gonna be happy I’m gone,” I choked out quietly. “You’ll see it’s better this way. Once I’m gone, you’ll find someone new. And she won’t lie or torture you or do what I did to you. And you won’t cry for us or me anymore, because you deserve so much more than me, so much more than what I’ve done to you.”