“I’m sorry,” I whispered breathlessly. “I couldn’t help myself.”
“Don’t be sorry. That was fuckin’ hot. You don’t know what you do to me, Natalie.”
It was quiet for a few moments and he continued to stare into my eyes. I knew he wanted me again and I wanted him too, but then he pulled away and then zipped up his fly. He helped me off the counter and straightened my dress the best I could and searched for my panties. Then he turned to look at me and I didn’t know what to say.
“Are you okay?” he asked and I nodded. I was more than okay. Being with him always made me feel okay, until the guilt crept in and I realized I was an unfaithful bitch. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
“I think you did,” I smirked and he smiled a half-smile.
“I won’t lie and say I didn’t want it. I did. I do. I always do.” He took my hand for a moment and then sighed. “I can’t do this anymore though. I can’t sneak around like this. I don’t want to keep you a secret. I don’t want to pretend anymore.”
“Me neither,” I said quietly.
“I love you, Natalie,” he said and I froze for a moment, startled by his words.
“You don’t love me, Drew.”
“Yes…I do.” He reached for me, taking my hand in his. “You know what I want. It’s up to you to come get it. Now, I need to get back. My guests will begin to wonder what’s become of me.”
And with that, he kissed me on the cheek and turned and walked away.
I couldn’t move. He’d just told me loved me and I couldn’t process that. It changed everything. It wasn’t just sex to him. It was so much more than that and I didn’t know what to do. I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t know how I was going to do it. I knew in my heart that I needed to let Ethan go. Regardless of what happened with Drew, it was over with Ethan and I knew that he knew it as well.
I eventually took a deep breath, getting myself together and made my way out of his bedroom and down the hallway. I wasn’t prepared for what I saw when I got back to the party. Ethan. He had a glass of wine in hand and was chatting with Drew and Christina. I stopped in my tracks, but they all turned their heads towards me when I walked in. Drew smiled and our eyes connected knowingly. Christina was looking at me suspiciously and then I looked to Ethan and I thought I detected suspicion in his eyes as well, but I told myself it was probably just the guilt I was feeling.
“Hey, Nat,” Ethan said a moment later and then I smiled, a forced smile because he’d know something was up otherwise.
“Hey,” I said, walking over and kissing him on the cheek. “When’d you get here?”
“Just a few minutes ago. Where were you?” I thought I caught accusation in his voice.
“Yes,” Christina chimed in. “Where were you? Ethan came in and once I introduced myself, I tried finding you, but you’d disappeared.”
“I was in the bathroom. I needed to wash my hands before dinner,” I said and I wondered if Ethan believed me. I could tell by Christina’s glare that she didn’t.
“Well, now that you’ve been reunited, I’ll leave you all alone. It was nice meeting you, Ethan.”
“Same here, Christina,” he answered and I didn’t like the way she was looking at him, but I was happy when she turned and left.
“I didn’t think you were gonna make it,” I said to Ethan once she was gone.
“Well, I did. Is that okay?”
“Yeah! That’s great!” I said and I knew I sounded a little too jubilant. “I’m glad you’re here.”
I waited for Ethan to smile, but he didn’t. Instead he looked over to Drew.
“Yes, Ethan. I’m glad you could make it,” he said. “You can find your seats. Dinner will be served soon. If you’ll excuse me.”
He turned, leaving us alone and I’d never been afraid of being alone with Ethan, but I was now…because of what I’d just done and what I’d been doing.
“So, how’d you manage to get the night off?” I asked as we made our way to the table.
“Got someone to cover for me. Bridget, actually. She wanted some extra cash, so when she offered, I took her up on it. Thought I’d surprise you and apparently I have.” He grinned at me, but I saw a hint of sarcasm in his smile. “Do we just sit anywhere?” he asked once at the table, but I shook my head.
“I think there are name tags,” I said, glancing down at the white name plates with fancy script.
We started walking around the table, searching for our names and then I found mine.
“Here’s mine,” I said and he pulled out my chair for me.
“Hmm,” he said curtly, looking at the name tag next to mine. “Looks like you’re sitting by the host. What a coincidence. And even stranger is the fact that I don’t see my name anywhere.” You’d have to be an idiot to not pick up on the snide tone of his voice and I was starting to get scared.
“I suppose you’re looking for your place, Ethan.” Drew appeared next to Ethan’s side. “When Natalie told me you weren’t coming, I had the serving staff remove it, for esthetic purposes. Feel free to sit here though,” he said, picking up his own name tag and encouraging Ethan to take a seat, which he did and Drew walked away, announcing that dinner would be served and for everyone to find their places. The table began filling and Drew sat on the other end, which I was grateful for.
Ethan didn’t say much after that and soon the servers were setting our plates in front of us, piled high with traditional Thanksgiving fixings: turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce and corn. Rows of crescent rolls were set out along the table and we ate quietly while everyone else seemed to make small talk.
When dinner was over, we were offered a choice of pumpkin pie or apple pie. I noticed my pecan pie was not a choice.
The food was good but I had to admit, it didn’t compare to my Thanksgivings back home or maybe my nerves were preventing me from enjoying it fully.
“How’d you like it?” I asked Ethan when we were done.
“It was fine,” was all he said and when the servers cleared our plates, he turned to me. “I think it’s time to go.”
“But, dinner just ended,” I said. “We can’t just eat and run. That’d be rude.”
“I’m ready to go, Natalie,” he said, standing up and I looked around, not feeling as self-conscious because others were leaving the table as well. I made eye contact with Drew and he stood up, following me over to where Ethan was standing near the front door looking agitated.
“I hope dinner was to your liking,” Drew said, approaching us with a confident smile.
“It was great. Thank you, Drew,” I told him.
“We need to get home,” Ethan said and I watched as he glared at Drew.
“Sure. Let me just get your coat and purse, Natalie,” Drew said, reaching for them on the coat rack. He came towards me, as if he was going to help me put it on, but then Ethan snatched it from Drew’s hand.
“I can help my girlfriend with her coat,” Ethan snapped and I didn’t say anything as he helped me slide it on. “I may not be able to afford a fancy suit, but I can help her put her goddamn coat on.”
My stomach was in knots now. I’d been telling myself I could’ve been misreading his actions, but there was no doubt now. Something was definitely up.
“I was only trying to be polite, Ethan,” Drew said, and I knew he was trying to control his voice.
“You’ve done enough, Drew. Let’s go, Nat,” he said, taking my arm with such a firm grip, it hurt and I stood there, staring at the hold he had on me. He’d never touched me like that and the look on his face scared me. He yanked my arm, gripping even tighter, jerking me towards the door.
“Don’t touch her like that.” Drew took my hand and their eyes met in an icy stare.
“I said let’s go, Natalie.” Ethan pulled me again and I felt Drew’s hold on my hand strengthen.
“Let. Go. Of. Her.” Drew’s voice was deep and warning this time. It was low, but calm and heavy with threat. Drew had his arm on Ethan’s now and they were staring at each other so fiercely I thought fire might actually shoot between them. My eyes focused on Drew and I could see his jaw was clenched and a vein throbbed in his neck.
“Stay the fuck out of our lives, you son of a bitch,” Ethan growled in a matching tone, but I felt his grip loosen and then he released me. He shirked his arm from Drew’s grasp and then took my hand. I didn’t say anything to Drew, but I looked up at him with scared eyes. Drew finally let go of my hand he’d been holding and then Ethan and I were walking out of the apartment and into the elevator.
Twenty-Nine
“What’s the matter with you?” I asked when we were sitting on the subway, heading back to our apartment. They were the first words we’d spoken since we left, but the same angry look had been chiseled on his face the whole time.
“We’ll talk when we get home,” he said in a harsh voice.
“At least tell me what that was all about.”
“I said we’ll talk about it when we get home. I just need you to shut up right now so I can cool down,” he snapped and I was silent the rest of the way.
My heels echoed in the quiet hallway as we made our way to the front door. Ethan unlocked it and I followed him inside. I shut the door and it was painfully quiet as I took off my coat, draping it over the side of the couch.
“How stupid do you think I am, Natalie?” Ethan’s voice said a moment later. It was deep, but calm, and when I looked at him, I could tell he was holding back.
“I don’t think you’re stupid, Ethan.”
“Coulda fooled me,” he spat.
“What are you talking about?”
“Stop the bullshit, Natalie!” he suddenly shouted and I stepped back. “Stop lying to me! I told myself I was wrong, but I knew I wasn’t. What the hell is going on with you and Drew?”
“Ethan…” I said, tears welling in my eyes and I tried with everything I had to hold them back. I couldn’t though. I’d been lying for too long and now I’d been caught. I wasn’t even decent enough to come clean on my own, something I should’ve done long ago.
“You should’ve seen the look on his face tonight when he rounded the corner of that hallway and saw me standing there. He sure as hell didn’t look happy to see me, and then low and behold a couple of minutes later you came down that same hallway, looking as equally happy to see me. Coincidence? Hell no.”
“Ethan…I’m sorry,” I said, blinking and the tears spilled quietly down my cheeks. “I’ve been wanting to tell you…”
“Tell me what?” he interrupted, his voice low and angry.
“Ethan,” I whispered. “Things have just been so different since we got here. You’re always working…we’re never together…it just happened.”
“What happened?” he demanded, but I couldn’t say it and after a few moments of silence, his voice was booming through the apartment again. “Did you fuck him?” he shouted and I couldn’t say anything, I just started sobbing. “Shit! Holy shit!” he yelled, running a hand nervously through his hair and then he started pacing quickly around our small living room and then he stopped and glared at me. “You
fucked
him?” he whispered and I saw tears in his eyes now and my silence confirmed it. “Tonight. While I was there. You were fucking him?” he growled and I just hung my head in shame, continuing to sob.
“I’m sorry, Ethan. I’m so sorry,” I cried.
“Fucking bitch!” he yelled, and I jumped when he punched the wall so hard, it left a dent. I knew he’d really wanted to punch me for betraying him. “You fucked him!” He started laughing, cackling hysterically. “This is too damn much. Are you that stupid?” he laughed at me and I just looked at him through my blurry eyes. “Yes, you are that stupid!” The laughter stopped and he just smirked at me. “You let that asshole fuck you. He used you, Natalie, and you fell for it! You’re just a piece of ass to him! A fucking lay! That’s it!”
“No!” I yelled back. “He didn’t use me!”
“Keep telling yourself that,” he spat, and then I heard him mumble, “Stupid bitch,” and it was as if a knife was being inserted in my heart. I knew what I’d done was unforgivable, but to hear him talk to me like that way was not something I was prepared for.
“Things between us have been over for a while now. We’ve both known it,” I said through my sobs.
“I didn’t know it!” he shouted.
“I didn’t set out for this to happen. I didn’t mean to hurt you, Ethan!” I shouted back.
“You fucked another guy and you didn’t mean to hurt me? You’re unfuckingbelievable!” he yelled again. “I’ve done everything for you, Natalie! Everything I’ve done is for you!”
“What have you done?” I shouted back. “I’m living in this lap of luxury. You’re never home! You can’t even remember my damn birthday!”
“Were you fucking him in Japan?” he asked suddenly, his voice low and calm.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does! Were you fucking him in Japan?” he repeated and then it was quiet as he stared at me. “Answer me!” he yelled with such force it scared me and then he grabbed both my arms tightly, squeezing so hard I winced as he shook me. “Answer me, dammit!”
“Yes!” I shouted back and it was dead silent. He abruptly let go of my arms and then pushed me away as he stared down at the floor and then up at me again.
“I knew it,” he said quietly. “I knew something was up. I knew it! When he was over that night…the way he looks at you…I knew it, but I told myself there was no way you could ever do something like that. Not you. Not you, Natalie. You were too good. But, it turns out, you’re not who I thought you were. You’re a cheater. A fucking cheater. Do you get that?” He was boring his eyes into mine and I couldn’t deny it. “How does it feel? How does it feel to take everything we’ve built and throw it all away…and for a man who doesn’t even care about you? I never thought you cared about the money and the fancy apartment and the clothes, and….” His eyes drifted down to my wrist. “And the jewelry. I know he gave that to you because I could never afford something like that. I’ll probably never be able to afford something like that and I never worried about being able to because I didn’t think you cared, but I was wrong. I was wrong about so much.” He was quiet for a few seconds and I could tell he was just reloading for the character assassination he was in the middle of. “I’ve got something to tell you, Natalie.” I looked at him nervously as a wry smile crept up on his face. “You weren’t the only one fucking other people.” The blood ran cold in my veins and I felt my trembling hand fly over my mouth. “Bridget? The girl you were so damn jealous of? I fucked her.”
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t understand the pain I was feeling.
“No,” I whispered. “You’re not serious.”
“No! I’m not serious!” he exploded. “I didn’t fuck her! But I wanted you to feel for a second what I’m feeling. She wanted me to fuck her. She practically begged me to, but I said no because I couldn’t do that to you! I couldn’t hurt you like that!”
I felt relief wash over me that he hadn’t betrayed me, but I knew he wasn’t as innocent as he was pretending to be.
“What are you talking about? She begged you? Have you and her…have you?” I asked, my voice trailing off.
“One night, while you were in Japan, we all got drunk. We made out a little, but that’s it. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I was going to tell you, but I couldn’t hurt you that way. I couldn’t lose you. It was once and I told myself it would never happen again. I blamed it on the alcohol and the fact that things have been weird between us, but I love you, Natalie. Always have and I couldn’t have sex with someone else, but it looks like I should’ve fucked Bridget, then I wouldn’t have been such a fool!”
“I’m sorry,” I pleaded, not knowing what else to say. “I know what I’ve done and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you, but Ethan…I…I don’t…” I stammered and then I paused, swallowing hard before speaking again, wondering if I’d even be able to get the words out. “I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore.”
The look on his face was one I’d never forget as it coiled up in revulsion and pain and he didn’t say anything. He just stood there, staring at me and a tear fell down his cheek when he blinked.
“Fuck you, Natalie!” he exploded a second later. “And fuck Drew!” He kicked the side of the couch before pushing past me into our bedroom. I heard scuffling and then he appeared, his arms loaded down with my clothes. “Get out! Take your goddamn stuff and get the hell outta here!” He threw the clothes at me and they hit me with more force than I expected. “I don’t care where you go, but I don’t wanna see you.”
He was breathing heavily, his chest heaving up and down as he glared at me with more hatred than I’d ever seen from him and I remained frozen with my tear-streaked face.
“I’m sorry,” I finally whispered as I opened the door, but not before I turned to get one more look at him.
I never thought this was how things would end between us. I hadn’t expected a happily ever after. I was never naïve enough to assume that. I thought we’d have a hell of a time together…good times and we had, so many good times. We were hopeful when we pulled out of the driveway as we made our way here from Iowa, but here we stood now, watching everything we’d built up crumble to dust. It didn’t have to end this way, but it had and I wondered if I’d ever be able to forgive myself for the way I treated Ethan. Even if I’d fallen out of love with him, he deserved better than this. He deserved better than the way I’d treated him. It was obvious that things were over between us a long time ago. He’d messed around with Bridget and it hurt to think of him with another woman, but I’d taken it to a whole other level. I’d fallen in love with another man and I’d given every ounce of myself to that other man, but deep down, I knew I loved Drew. Still…Ethan didn’t deserve this betrayal and I didn’t blame him for hating me.
“I’m so sorry,” I said again, but he didn’t say anything else and I stepped out into the hallway, down the steps and out into the cold November air, and I made my way towards the lights and the people and to the only place I had to go.