He leaned in, kissing me sweetly on the cheek and when he pulled away, my hand went to where his lips had just been and I held it there for a few seconds as he smiled and then started walking away.
“Wait! Drew!” I called when he was half way down the street. He turned to me, his hands stuffed in his pockets and a look of curiosity on his face. I rushed towards him, stopping when I stood before him, not really knowing why I’d called to him, and before I could stop myself, I reached up, taking his face in my hands and pulling him to me. I planted my lips on his and started moving them frantically, needing to feel him against me and taste him on my tongue. Every other time, it’d been him bringing us together and I blamed him for that, but now it was me and I couldn’t get enough of him. He returned instantly, his hands moving up and down my back, tangling in my hair as our heavy breathing and sloppy kisses drowned everything out.
“I can’t let you go,” I panted in between kisses.
“Then don’t,” he grunted as he pulled me even closer, his lips gliding over mine with such intensity I thought my knees might buckle.
“I’m sorry, Drew,” I said suddenly, pulling away quickly. “Thank you. Thank you for tonight. I’ll never forget it.”
I turned away and ran back to my apartment before he could say anything else, jogging up the stairs and I didn’t look back.
Twenty-Seven
I knew the constant back and forth, the hot and cold with Drew wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to him and it wasn’t fair to Ethan and I had to do something to stop all of this. I hated cheaters. I hated people who weren’t loyal and I was one of them now. Ethan had hurt me though. It had been a slow, constant hurt over the last few months, not that it was an excuse for what I’d done…for what I was doing. Drew awakened something in me though…something I’d never known and something I was missing from Ethan who didn’t even care enough to wish me a happy birthday.
It was almost one o’clock in the morning when I heard the door open. I was tucked in our bed, back in my sweats after one of the greatest nights of my life and he wasn’t the wiser because he hadn’t been home and he hadn’t even bothered to check-in at all. I hadn’t been asleep. I couldn’t sleep because I was dying to see his reaction when he realized he’d forgotten my birthday.
I could tell he was trying not to wake me by the way he tiptoed into our room.
“You don’t have to be quiet. I’m awake,” I said in the darkness and I heard him gasp.
“You scared the hell outta me, Nat! I thought you were asleep.”
“Nope,” I said and I wondered if he picked up on the bitterness in my voice yet.
“Is everything okay?” he asked and I could see by the faint light from outside spilling into our room that he was peeling his clothes off to change into his pajamas. I didn’t say anything as he put them on and then crawled in beside me a few moments later. “You didn’t answer me, Nat. Are you okay? You sound upset or annoyed or something.”
“I’m just waiting,” I said, still on my back, my head resting on the pillow as I stared up at the ceiling.
“Waiting for what?”
“For you to wish me a happy birthday,” I said and the room became so quiet it was unnerving.
“Shit, Nat. I’m so sorry,” he sighed after a few moments of uncomfortable silence and I turned my head to see him looking down at me apologetically. “I…I didn’t even realize…the date…it just…fuck…I’m just sorry. Natalie,” he said, but I just turned on my side, away from him, not wanting to look at him anymore. Hearing the panic in his voice when he heard how he’d messed up was like a dagger to the heart. I thought maybe he’d insist he hadn’t forgotten because he could never forget something like that, but he didn’t. He’d forgotten. Plain and simple. He hadn’t given it a second thought and it hurt. “I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I forgot.” He moved closer to me so I could feel him right behind me and I was surprised by how I wanted nothing to do with him. I didn’t want him near me. He rested his hand on my shoulder and started stroking it, but I shirked away.
“Don’t, Ethan,” I said softly.
“Natalie, please,” he continued, his hand still on me.
“Don’t touch me, Ethan,” I said adamantly, and his hand only lingered a moment longer before he finally moved it.
“Happy birthday, Natalie,” he said gently, leaning in and moving the hair from my neck so he could move in close to my ear.
“You’re a little late. My birthday was yesterday. Now…” I said, breathing in deeply. “Don’t. Just don’t say anything else.”
And he didn’t. He turned around so we laid back to back and even though there was only a short distance between us, it might’ve well have been a thousand miles.
~~~
I slept in late…very late. It was almost eleven o’clock when I eventually rolled out of bed and it was empty beside me. I had no clue when Ethan had left the room and truthfully, I didn’t much care.
I was still groggy when I opened the bedroom door and found him sitting at the counter. He was staring into nothing and I knew he was thinking about yesterday.
“There’s nothing I can do to make up for forgetting your birthday,” he said despondently when he heard me walk out. He didn’t look at me though. He just kept staring ahead. “I thought about getting up and trying to surprise you with some lame attempt to make up for what I did. I even thought about buying twenty-three balloons and writing twenty-three reasons why I love you, but then I realized how pathetically lame that would’ve been, not to mention a complete slap in the face to you because I can’t make up for what I did.” I didn’t say anything. I stayed in the doorway, my arms crossed and guarded as I listened. He finally turned to face me and I’d never seen him look so sad. “I’m sorry for everything, Natalie. I’m sorry for how shitty our lives have become together. I’m sorry for bringing us here and ruining it all. We should’ve just stayed in Iowa and gone the safe route. I could’ve taken that job at my uncle’s shop and we could’ve had everything. The house. The kids…but no. That wasn’t good enough for me. I had to come to New York and drag you down with me. I mean, what kind of life is it if I’m so consumed with myself that I can’t be bothered to remember your birthday? I feel like such a piece of shit and I know that’s what you think of me.”
“I don’t think you’re a piece of shit,” I said, walking over to him and sitting down on the stool beside him.
“Of course you don’t because you’re always forgiving me for the stupid crap I do.”
“That’s what you do when you love someone,” I said, but as I looked over to him, there was a pit in my stomach that made me wonder if I truly was in love with him anymore. I loved Ethan, there was no doubt about that. He was my best friend, but things were different now. Things had changed. We had both changed and I wasn’t sure if that change included still being in love with him…not like I used to be.
“I don’t know what’s going on with us, Nat,” he said softly, staring down at his folded hands on the counter.
“Me neither,” I said and I felt like it was the start of the first honest conversation we’d had in a long time.
“I just want what’s best for you. Maybe I’m not what’s best for you anymore,” he said and I think he was surprised at how quiet I was. “Say something, Natalie.” I knew I should open my mouth and tell him what I was really feeling. I should tell him everything that I’d done because he was blaming himself for everything. It wasn’t just him. What I’d done could never be forgiven. I couldn’t tell him that though. I was scared to let him go. I couldn’t imagine a life where Ethan wasn’t the person I depended on most, where he wasn’t the one I went running to in the good times and the bad times, but as I thought about it, he’d become less and less that person every day we’d been here.
“I don’t know what to say, Ethan,” I said, pausing for a moment. “Maybe I’m not what’s best for you either.”
“You are the best of me, Natalie. No matter what happens, that will never change.”
He glanced up from the counter and the way he looked at me made the guilt of everything kick in full force. Ethan wouldn’t think that about me at all if he knew. He’d hate me and I wouldn’t blame him.
“Believe me,” I said softly. “I’m really not.”
It grew quiet again and we were at a standstill.
“What’re we gonna do, Nat?” he whispered and I shook my head.
“I don’t know.”
He got up from the stool and stood behind me for a few seconds before he hesitantly put a hand on my shoulder. I stiffened at his touch and then he kissed me on top of my head.
“I’m so sorry for what I did to you, but you’ve gotta know how much I love you,” he said quietly and then suddenly, I spun around on the stool and stood up, throwing my arms around him. I think he was shocked because he didn’t hug me back for a few seconds, but then he did and I held onto him tightly and I started sobbing into his chest.
“Hey, hey,” he said comfortingly as he ran his hand over my hair. “What’s wrong, baby? I’m the one who fucked up. Why are you crying?”
I just kept crying because he wasn’t the one who’d fucked up. I was the one who’d fucked up. I opened my mouth to tell him, to spill out everything that happened since we’d been here, but when I did, I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t destroy him like this. No matter what happened, he couldn’t know how I’d betrayed him. He didn’t need his faith in people crushed by the person who was supposed to love him most in this world.
“I’m sorry too,” was what came out instead, and I was surprised he could even hear me through my tears. I’d have to tell him eventually. Unless some magic switch flipped and I stopped having feelings for Drew, I would have to tell him. Even if I quit working for Drew and never saw him again, my time with him had shown me that Ethan and I were not infallible. Drew had created doubt for me. If I was as in love with Ethan as I told myself I was, I wouldn’t have let Drew come between us, but I had, and that showed me Ethan and I were not okay anymore.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he said soothingly and I thought I might throw up from the guilt. I didn’t say anything. I concentrated on getting myself under control.
“I’m sorry about melting down,” I told him, pulling back and wiping my nose with my sleeve. “I guess I’m just stressed and upset.”
“It’s okay,” he said, kissing my forehead. “I don’t know where we’re at, but let’s just take a breath and maybe now that I have the job at the show, things can start settling down and we can figure this whole thing out.”
I nodded because there was nothing else I could do.
“Okay,” I said softly and he pulled me to him. “Don’t you have to leave for the show soon?”
“No. I made some calls and I got someone to cover the matinee. I was hoping you’d let me take you to lunch. I’ll go in for the evening show.”
“Is that okay? This soon, I mean?” I asked, not wanting him to get in trouble.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I can’t make up for yesterday, but today’s a new day and I want to spend as much of it with you as I can,” he said and I couldn’t help but smile. “Can I? Take you to lunch?”
“Yes. You can take me to lunch,” I said and he took my hand, our arms swinging in unison for a moment. “Let me just grab a shower.”
He nodded and a half an hour later once I was ready, we were walking out of the apartment. We were greeted by the loud TV from Doris and Gene’s apartment and Doris was sitting outside, shaking her head when she saw us. When she looked up at me, she winked playfully.
“How was the show last night?” she asked and I felt my entire body stiffen.
“It was fine, thanks,” Ethan said and I realized he thought she was asking him about work.
“I’m not talking to you, boy,” she laughed. “I was asking Natalie.”
“What show?” he asked, turning to me curiously.
“I went to a show last night,” I said, trying to sound calm and relaxed.
“Oh yeah?”
“My co-workers took me to see
Chicago
last night when they realized I was spending my birthday alone.”
“Who?” he asked and I knew I had to tell at least part of the truth or else Doris might do so and God only knew what she would tell him.
“Well, um, Drew came over to surprise me with the tickets and then we met Court and Anna Beth at the theater.”
“Drew was here? He was at our apartment again?” he asked and I could tell by the way his eyebrow raised his curiosity had turned to concern.
“Just for a few minutes,” I told him and then Doris looked at me and I think she realized she shouldn’t have opened her big mouth.
“I need to get back inside and get Gene to turn down that damn TV,” she said and then disappeared into her apartment, closing the door so Gene’s TV was a muffled, garbled mess.
I started walking down the stairs and we were outside a few moments later.
“Why didn’t you tell me about last night?” he asked.
“Our conversation didn’t really allow for it,” I said, which was the truth.
“Is that normal? For your boss to be hanging out with you?”
“We don’t hang out. We’re friends at work. They felt sorry for me,” I said, lying again. There was no they. There was a he and that was it.
“Did you have fun?” he asked, but I could still hear the edge to his voice.
“It was alright,” I lied. Last night had been one of the best nights of my life, no thanks to him.
He didn’t say anything and we just kept walking.
“I’ve gotta be honest, Nat,” he said a few minutes later. “I don’t think I’m comfortable with this.”
“With what? Drew coming by to take me to a show?”
“Exactly that. You got angry just because I was talking to Bridget that night you came by Carmine’s. How do you think I feel knowing some guy took you out last night? I don’t like you hanging out with him.”
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have forgotten my birthday,” I said and I stopped in my tracks, folding my arms against my chest, knowing I was acting completely childish.
He just nodded, knowing I’d played a card he couldn’t compete with, but the stern line on his face never left as we walked in silence for a little ways until he stopped in front of a café we’d never tried before.
“How’s this place?” he asked.
“Anything’s worth a shot, right?” I said, opening the door and walking inside.
We sat at a booth and we were quiet until the waitress brought us our menus. I’d slept through breakfast, so I ordered a chicken Caesar salad and a water, still not sure how much we could afford. Ethan must not have been too concerned because he ordered a giant bacon cheeseburger and fries.