“You were,” I agreed. “I didn’t mean to upset you yesterday when I stopped by. I really was just missing you. I just needed to see you.”
“I miss you too,” he said, taking my other hand. “When Chad told me someone was asking about me and when I saw you, I was worried my boss would be pissed or something. I feel this intense obligation to take care of you since I’m the reason you’re here and I’m afraid of doing anything to lose that financial security, even if we’re just barely making it. I just reacted and I reacted badly and when…” he said and then stopped and swallowed hard as if he were scared to go on. “And when Bridget said that about you and I let her say it…that was just…I’m so sorry, Nat. I should’ve let her have it. No one talks about you like that,” he said and he looked distraught. “I’m so sorry. About what Bridget said, about jumping down your throat when you came by last night, about breaking our plans, about not spending enough time together, about how crappy everything’s been since we’ve been here, about everything. I’m just…sorry.”
“Not everything’s been crappy,” I said, my heart softening to his apology.
“About ninety-nine percent has been crappy.”
“No, it hasn’t,” I said, trying to smile, but I knew he was right.
“Yes, it has. Let’s stop beating around the bush. Our life here has been shit.”
I stared up into his brown eyes and I was lost for a moment. We’d been together for four years, but we’d never faced such a pivotal moment in our relationship and I was suddenly scared.
“I don’t think we really thought this move through. I didn’t think it’d be this hard, did you?” he asked.
“No, I didn’t.”
“I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”
“Don’t be sorry, Ethan,” I said as a lump formed in my throat.
“I am sorry. I should’ve just let you go. I shouldn’t have dragged you down with me. If I wanted to come here and fail, I should’ve done it alone. I shouldn’t have asked you to ruin your life with me,” his said dejectedly.
“I wouldn’t have let you let me go.” The lump was gone now, instead transforming into tears in my eyes.
“Don’t cry,” he said, reaching up and wiping them away.
“How could you say that? That you should’ve let me go?”
“Because it would’ve been best for you. I’ve been so selfish expecting you to drop everything and follow me here.”
“I came because I wanted to,” I said, rubbing the back of his hand with my thumb.
“No, you didn’t. You said so last night. You said you left everything behind for me,” he said, his voice trailing off as he looked past me, his gaze focusing off into the distance.
“I was mad last night. I was hurt.”
“But it was the truth. Don’t try and deny it,” he said, bringing his gaze back to mine and I knew I couldn’t argue with him.
“Maybe I was telling the truth. I did leave everything behind for you because I wanted to be with you. I wanted to go on this adventure with you. I wanted to be there when I saw you accomplish your dream,” I said as he snickered.
“So much for that,” he mumbled.
“Stop!” I said sternly, grabbing his cheek and forcing him to look at me. “Don’t be like that. It’s going to happen. I know it will. You’re amazing at what you do. We haven’t been here that long. It can’t happen overnight.”
“I never expected it to, but nothing’s happened. Nothing at all. I expected to at least have met some people…to at least have talked to people.”
“It will happen,” I said softly, gripping his hand in support. “You have to believe in yourself.”
He gently stroked my cheek and his eyes darted around my face, taking it all in until his eyes locked with mine.
“This is why I love you so much,” he said softly. “This is why I need you in my life. When I don’t believe in myself, you do. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he said and then took in a deep breath, a look of nervousness overcoming his face. “Last night…when you weren’t there when I got home and when you shut me out of our room, I thought it was over. I thought I’d lost you. And I wouldn’t blame you. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve someone who can give you more than what I can.” His voice was low and sad and the words Drew said before I’d left the office rang in my ears.
You deserve the world.
Then I was suddenly sick with guilt as I thought about what I’d done with Drew. Ethan may have acted like a dick, but I’d kissed another man. I’d betrayed Ethan and I knew it was him that deserved someone better.
I swallowed hard. I had to tell him what I’d done so we could move past this. I opened my mouth to tell him, but I couldn’t do it. It’d only been a kiss. It wouldn’t happen again, so why should I tell him? It would do nothing but hurt him.
“Don’t say that,” I said instead.
“It’s true though. You deserve to be happy.”
“I am happy,” I said, grabbing him and pulling him to me. I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight as I fought back tears over what I had done to him. “I am happy,” I whispered again and he pulled me closer.
“I’m so sorry about yesterday. I wish I had a do over button because I would do it over so differently.”
“It’s okay. Let’s just move past this. I want to forget about yesterday. I want to forget everything about yesterday,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to erase it all from my brain.
“So, we’re okay then?” he asked nervously.
“Yes, we’re okay.”
I wasn’t sure how long we stayed in each other’s arms, but it felt good and I didn’t want to let go. I thought if maybe I held on, I could erase my mistake from last night.
“I’m glad we’re okay,” he said as we finally pulled away. “I was scared last night when I got home that you were never coming back.”
“I love you,” I said, leaning in slowly and gently brushing my lips on his. The same familiar lips I’d been kissing for the last four years. The only lips I’d kissed in the last four years until last night. The taste of Drew’s lips seared through me and I pulled Ethan closer, kissing him harder and deeper, trying to force Drew’s kiss to disappear. Ethan kissed me eagerly back. It felt like forever since we’d last kissed and it had been even longer since we’d kissed like this.
“What the hell was that for?” he laughed as he tried to catch his breath.
“I’ve missed you.”
“I should screw up more often,” he smiled. I grinned back, but despite my best effort, I hadn’t been able to rid myself of Drew. He was still there and I still felt sick over having shared a kiss with him and I felt even sicker lying to Ethan about it.
~~~
I’d been away nearly forty-five minutes when I returned to the office. I’d been gone longer than I expected and decided I could work through lunch to make up for it. When I got back to my desk, Court’s was empty and Anna Beth was busy on her computer. She looked up when she saw me walk in.
“Everything okay?” Anna Beth asked, looking up from her screen.
“Everything’s fine,” I replied, trying to arrange the bouquet of tulips in a way that left me some space on my desk. It was proving impossible though and I eventually moved them onto a filing cabinet, which seemed to liven up the whole office.
“He must’ve messed up pretty badly,” Anna Beth continued, which surprised me. Anna Beth was usually quiet and she never got into anybody’s business.
“New York’s just tougher than we thought it was going to be,” I replied, sitting down at my desk to get back to work.
She just nodded at me, giving me a sympathetic look and returned to her work. We worked for the next hour and a half in virtual silence until Court and Drew came strutting back into the office. Drew glided past me as he slid off his jacket and walked into his office, but Court left his coat on and knocked on the wall.
“Time for lunch. How does the deli sound?” he asked when Anna Beth and I looked up at him.
“Sounds good to me,” Anna Beth replied, standing up and gathering her things.
“What about you, Natalie?” Court asked.
“I’m going to pass. I’ve gotta make up for the time I missed this morning.”
“C’mon. You know Drew won’t mind,” Court persisted.
“I know, but I do. You guys go ahead.”
“Are you sure?” Anna Beth asked.
“Totally sure. See you guys in a bit.”
“Whatever,” Court said, shrugging his shoulders and Anna Beth gave me a wave as they walked away.
I got back to work and was overly aware that Drew was only a few feet away. His door was cracked and I could hear him typing away at his computer. I hoped he would stay in his office, but after fifteen minutes, I heard his chair creak and then I could feel his presence behind me. I knew he was standing there and when I looked up I could see his reflection in my computer screen. He was leaning against the door jamb with his arms folded and his head cocked to one side in that way that was meant to be casual, but was actually incredibly hot. I forced my eyes to stay locked on my work, but then I heard his footsteps and they stopped when he was next to me. My fingers froze on the keyboard and I finally looked up. He was staring down at me with an indifferent expression on his face.
“Why aren’t you at lunch with Court and Anna Beth?” he asked.
“I was gone for forty-five minutes this morning. I need to make up that time.”
“I told you I didn’t care about the time.”
“I know and I appreciate that, but I care about it.”
“You have to eat though.”
“I’ll get something from the vending machine later.”
“I was thinking about getting a slice of pizza. Want me to bring you some back?”
“No. Thank you though,” I said and it grew quiet for a few moments.
“Did you guys work it out?” he asked in a low, serious voice.
“Not that it’s your business, but yes, we did.”
“So, you bought whatever he was selling?” Drew asked, his question oozing with sarcasm.
“He wasn’t selling anything. He made a mistake. I’m not going to let one mistake ruin what we’ve built,” I returned and his lips curled up into a sly smile.
“Your loyalty intrigues me.”
“There’s nothing intriguing about it. It’s what people do when they love each other. They forgive mistakes. They look past each other’s faults. They don’t give up when things get a little rough. They work through it. That’s what I believe in and that’s why I forgave him,” I said, keeping my voice quiet, not wanting anyone to overhear. “And in case your memory is a little foggy from all that wine last night, he’s not the only one who messed up. The only difference is that he thinks he is and I’m too much of a coward to tell him he’s not the only one who’s got something to be sorry for.”
“You’re sorry about last night then?” he said softly, peering down at me.
“I am. I have a boyfriend. I love Ethan.”
“Then why’d you agree to come to my apartment?” he whispered, leaning in closer to me, his hands pressing down on my desk and I told myself I wasn’t breathing any harder by having him so close.
“Because I was lonely and sad and you’re my friend and I needed someone. I didn’t expect anything else to happen.”
“Believe it or not, neither did I,” he said, his voice deep and serious. “I had no ulterior motives, but something happened.”
“It did, but it won’t again,” I said and then mustering all my courage, I straightened myself up in my seat and looked at him. “I hope this won’t be a problem in regards to our working relationship, Mr. Saben.”
“Don’t worry, Miss Vasser. It won’t affect it one iota. Have a pleasant afternoon.”
And with that, he turned and walked away, but as he did, my heart started pounding harder with every step he took.
Sixteen
Drew was right. Our working relationship wasn’t affected. It was more professional than ever. His professionalism was almost irritating. There was no warmth anymore, no jokes, no friendly smiles. I missed the Drew who had become my friend. Now it was all business. It’s what I’d wanted…or what I’d said I’d wanted. I’d wanted our indiscretion to go away, but not at the expense of one of my few budding friendships in New York City.
Things with Ethan were better, but it was still different between us. He still worked late at Carmine’s and we rarely saw each other. I knew it was our life now, but Ethan continued to reassure me it was only temporary. I knew he was right. It wouldn’t always be this way. Mixed up conflicting schedules and Ramen noodles were only momentary.
At work, I stayed busy and Drew stayed in his office more than he usually did. We were nearly finished with the Tashawa account and we all couldn’t wait until it was finished and closed out. It’d been a source of serious tension in the office and we’d all breathe a sigh of relief when Mr. Tashawa accepted the final proposal and the ground breaking could begin.
I wanted a clean slate with Drew though. I had to pay him back for the coat. It’d been too long. I’d planned to pay him back after my first pay check, but we’d needed every bit of it to pay the bills, so I’d waited until we could spare the $100. We still couldn’t spare it, but I didn’t care. I needed to get it off my chest. I didn’t like having it hang over my head.
Court and I had been working on a graph when we decided to take a break. He headed to the vending machine and I went to my wallet, taking out the five twenty dollar bills I’d pulled out of the ATM on my way to work. Drew’s office door was open, but I knocked anyway and he looked up from his desk.
“Come in,” he said and I stepped inside, walking nervously towards him, holding out the money. “What’s that for?”
“I need to pay you back for buying me the coat.”
“Put your money away, Natalie,” he said seriously, looking away from it and back down on whatever it was he was working on.
“No. I insist. We agreed on $100 so here’s $100.”
He finally looked up and sighed.
“I appreciate that, but save your money for Japan.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, obvious confusion spreading on my face and he stood up, making his way around the desk, taking me gently by the elbow and leading me out to Anna Beth and Court.
“I need to talk to you all for a moment,” he began as we focused on him. “You know we’re almost finished with the Tashawa account, but something’s come up,” Drew began.
“What’s come up?” Anna Beth asked, stating the question I was thinking. I rarely asked questions anymore though, not since the incident. I stuck to doing my work and answering instead of asking questions.
“We need to go to Tokyo,” Drew stated.
“We?” Court asked, his mouth practically hanging to the floor.
“Yes, we,” Drew answered, looking around at each of us.
“Are you serious?” Court gaped.
“Completely,” Drew replied.
“Why?” Anna Beth chimed in.
“Tashawa wants to meet face to face. He wants the presentation done in Tokyo. He doesn’t want to make the trip to New York. We need to leave on Friday.”
“Friday? That’s in three days,” Court said.
“I know. I’m sorry for the short notice. I’ve bought the tickets. Do you all have passports?” he asked, obviously realizing it as an afterthought.
I saw Anna Beth and Court nodding their heads and I did likewise, thankful for the ski trip to Vancouver I’d taken in college. It was the one and only time I’d ever left the country, but it had given me a reason to get a passport and now because of it, I was going to Japan.
“Great,” he said, rubbing his hands together nervously. “Finish up what you’re working on today and then take tomorrow off to get ready for the trip. We’ll be gone five days. We’ll finish up the proposal on Thursday and tie up any loose ends at the hotel. Any questions?” We all shook our heads and he walked back into his office, shutting the door behind him.
“Holy shit!” Court shrieked in a whisper once Drew was out of earshot. “Japan? He’s seriously taking us to Japan to help with the proposal. This is insane!”
“I can’t go to Japan. Is he crazy?” Anna Beth said quietly, rolling her eyes while I just sat there open mouthed, trying to take it all in.
“What do you mean you can’t go? Of course you can go. It’s a once in a life time opportunity. An all-expenses paid trip to Japan. You can’t turn that down!” Court exclaimed.
Anna Beth sighed and rolled her eyes again.
“I know I have to go, but seriously? Three day’s notice?” she complained.
“It’s gonna be awesome,” Court said, giddiness exuding him.
“Settle down there, cowboy,” Anna Beth said. “It’s a business trip, not a vacation.”
“I know, but we do the presentation, then we sightsee! It’s gonna be fabulous,” Court said and then looked over to me. “You’re awfully quiet, Natalie.”
“I’m just trying to take this all in,” I said quietly. “I’ve just left Iowa and now I’m going to Tokyo.”
“I know! Isn’t it great?” Court continued. “Now, let’s get back to work so we can start packing.”
Court turned back to his desk and started hammering away on the computer. He was anxious to get done and start getting ready. Anna Beth seemed annoyed by the whole thing, but started plugging away as well. I wasn’t quite sure how to feel. Part of me was thrilled at the opportunity and part of me was scared as hell. A week in a foreign country with Drew. A week apart from Ethan. Anything could happen.
~~~
Court and I finished up early and I left work around three o’clock. I had so much to do if I was going to leave for Tokyo on Friday and one of those things was explaining to Ethan that I’d be leaving the country.
I’d gone straight home and gathered up my dirty clothes. After two hours at the laundry mat, my clothes were clean and packed. I’d made a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup and was now waiting for Ethan to get home so I could tell him about my unexpected trip.
It was nearly ten o’clock when I heard the doorknob turn and Ethan walked in. He looked tired, but when he saw me sitting on the couch waiting for him, he smiled.
“I thought you might be in bed,” he said, shutting the door behind him.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Is everything okay?” he asked and there was a change in his face and he looked concerned.
“Yeah, I just need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay,” he said nervously and sat down beside me. He always smelled like garlic bread when he got home and it made me hungry. “What’s up?”
“Well,” I began hesitantly. “Something interesting happened at work today.”
“What was that?”
“I’m going to Japan,” I spat out, smiling at him.
“What?”
“I’m leaving for Tokyo on Friday.”
“Excuse me?” he asked again, shaking his head. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. I’m totally serious.”
“This isn’t a joke?”
“No. It’s not a joke.”
“Why are you going to Japan? I thought you were an office assistant.”
“I am, but Drew has to go do some big presentation and he wants Anna Beth, Court and me to go with him to help.”
Ethan froze in his seat and stared at the ground for a moment before looking up.
“That’s really cool, Nat,” he said softly with a smile. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to my news, but he seemed happy for me.
“You’re okay with this?”
“Of course I am.”
“I thought you might be upset.”
“Why would you think that?” he asked, taking my hand.
“I don’t know.”
“I would never be upset about something like this. What an amazing opportunity for you,” he said, taking the back of my hand and kissing it. “How long will you be gone?”
“Till next Thursday.”
“Five days? I’m not gonna lie. That’s gonna suck, but you’re going to have such a good time.”
“If only you could come with me,” I said, turning to face him.
“Well, I can’t. I’m a lowly waiter and you’re a high-class executive,” he grinned.
“Hardly. I just got lucky,” I laughed and then leaned my head on his shoulder. “I’m gonna miss you. I can’t remember the last time we’ve been apart this long.”
“It’ll go by quick. You won’t even think of me while you’re gone.” My mouth formed into a frown and then I grabbed his face and kissed him hard.
“I’ll think of you every second I’m gone,” I said, pulling away and staring into his eyes before kissing him again, praying I would.