“You seem awfully knowledgeable about this,” I taunted him and he grinned at me.
“I am a bit older than you, Natalie. I’ve got more experience than you.”
“Still, you don’t know about Ethan and me.”
“I know that people change as they get older and they don’t always change together.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That maybe you and Ethan have run your course. You were great together in college, but college is a bubble. You’re in the real world now and the real world can be a bitch.”
“Don’t say that,” I said quickly. “Ethan and I have not run our course. We’re just getting started.”
“I hope that’s the case, but you need to be prepared. You need to be open to other possibilities.”
“I don’t need to be open to other possibilities.”
He smiled and shook his head, before sitting up and refilling his wine glass. We both took long sips and when he leaned back, he was closer. Our legs were touching. He smelled so good and his confidence exuded him. I’d never met anyone like Drew and I couldn’t deny the pull I felt to him.
“Can I ask you something? Something personal?” Drew asked a few moments later.
“Why not?” I said sarcastically. “We’ve been getting personal all night.”
“How many serious boyfriends have you had?”
“Serious?” I said, wondering how I would define serious.
“Yes. How many serious boyfriends?”
“I guess just one. Ethan.”
“One?”
“Yeah, I dated a few guys in high school, but not for more than a few months. Ethan’s been the only one for the last four years.”
He nodded and then seemed to be pondering on how to continue.
“So, I take it you haven’t been with many guys then,” he concluded and I felt my cheeks burn red from embarrassment.
“Now, that’s getting a little too personal.”
“I’m just trying to help you see yourself from other’s perspectives. And I’m just assuming you haven’t been with many guys.”
“No. I haven’t,” I said quickly. “I’ve only been with Ethan. Sex is not something I take lightly. It means something.”
“That’s a wonderful ideal to have, but owning your sexuality can be very freeing,” he said, but I could see he thought my way of thinking was old fashioned and then his face turned serious. “But you’ve never wondered what it would feel like to be with anyone else?” His voice was low and quiet and I couldn’t tear my gaze from his eyes. They were intense and piercing and I couldn't look away.
“Well,” I said softly. “Of course I’ve thought about it.” The words trickled out of my mouth nervously. I’d never said it out loud. I’d never even admitted it to myself. I’d only known Ethan and I loved Ethan, but I did wonder what it might be like to be with someone else sometimes.
“You should think about that then, Natalie,” he said, his hand resting on my knee. “You’ve got to live your life for you. You’ve got to experience the life you want to.”
He sat up and turned to face me. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. I didn’t trust the way his eyes made me feel. My heart was pounding at his proximity to me and I felt the pull towards him again. His face was one of the most exquisitely beautiful things I’d ever seen. It was near perfection and his smell was intoxicating.
“I am living the life I want to,” I whispered, forcing myself to look away from him, but then I felt his hand on my chin, turning me back to face him once more.
“You are very special, Natalie. Ethan is a fool for not realizing that.” His voice was soft and serious and I was frozen by his gaze.
“He does,” I managed to get out.
He smiled and his eyes darted slowly around my face. He smoothed my hair and I wasn’t surprised when I felt chills rush down my spine at his touch.
“When was the last time you kissed someone other than Ethan?” he said softly.
“I can’t remember ever kissing anyone else,” I whispered, my words slow and hesitant and before I realized what was happening. I held my breath as he leaned in towards me and then his lips brushed against mine, his breath sweet and his lips soft and warm. The kiss was slow and tender, warming my entire body and before I could stop myself, I was kissing him back. I wasn’t thinking of anything but Drew at that moment…the way he smelled, the way he tasted, the way he felt against me. The whole idea of him consumed me. There was no doubt he knew exactly what he was doing, the way he pulled just right on my lower lip before his tongue made its way into my mouth, easing his body against mine so his weight pushed me into the couch, his hands resting on my waist as mine wrapped around him, weaving my hand in his hair, kissing him as hard as I could, wanting to taste everything about him, but then I felt him ease away from me. When he pulled back, I found myself reaching for more, but he continued to pull back, leaving me breathless.
When I opened my eyes, he was smiling and I could feel my cheeks burning from what had just happened. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Had I really just kissed him? Had I really just kissed Andrew Saben, my boss, the man who was not my boyfriend?
“Why?” I asked so quietly, I was surprised he could even hear me. “Why did you kiss me?”
“Because I’ve been wanting to from that first day I walked in on your interview and I’m tired of telling myself not to everyday.”
His honesty shocked me and I didn’t think I could speak, but when I opened my mouth, I was surprised words actually came out.
“I should go,” I said suddenly, standing up and walking quickly over to the coat rack where I grabbed my jacket and pulled it on, buttoning it hastily. Drew was still on the couch, a comfortable smile on his face. Our eyes met for what seemed like an eternity and he eventually stood up and walked over to me.
“Let me finish walking you home,” he said, reaching for his coat.
“No. I’ll be fine.”
“It’s nearly eleven o’clock,” he said, putting his coat on. “I’m not letting you go out alone this late. I’m taking you home.”
“No,” I said flatly. “I don’t want you to walk me home.”
“Natalie, please.” He walked towards me and I held up my hand to stop him.
“Don’t, Drew. Please.”
And he didn’t. He stopped and I opened the door, turning to look at him once more. He didn’t say anything else and neither did I, but I couldn’t deny how I felt when our eyes met and I walked out quickly before I knew I couldn’t.
Fourteen
I don’t even know how I made it to the subway station and the ride home was a blur, but somehow I made it back to the apartment. I stopped at the doorway, afraid to go inside. What would I say to Ethan? I took a deep breath and opened the door, which seemed as heavy as the guilt I was carrying.
I swallowed through the lump in my throat and made my way up the stoop and into the quiet hallway of the building. I climbed the stairs slowly and when I got to the door, I took a deep breath and opened it. Ethan jumped up from the couch the second I walked in and he looked frantic.
“Where the hell have you been?” he shouted once I’d shut the door. “Do you have any idea what time it is or how worried I’ve been? What the hell is wrong with you, Nat?” I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there while his eyes pierced angrily through me. “Say something, Natalie! Don’t just stand there, dammit!”
“I just wanna go to sleep,” I said and I could hear the defeat in my voice. I hoped he would just let me go to the bedroom, but he didn’t and he grabbed my arm as I walked past him, turning me forcefully towards him.
“You can’t just walk in here and not say anything! Where the hell’ve you been?” His stare was even angrier, but I saw the concern too, which only made the guilt worse.
“I was out with a friend,” I finally said.
“Who?”
“Just a friend from work. Anna Beth,” I told him and I felt terrible lying to him, but there was no way I could tell him the truth.
“And you didn’t bother to tell me? I got home an hour ago and there was no trace of you! Do you know how worried I’ve been?”
“I’m sorry, Ethan,” I said quietly and I felt his grip on my arm loosen, but his stare didn’t soften at all.
“What the hell is wrong with you? Why didn’t you tell me where you were?”
I yanked my arm from him and stared right back.
“Because I didn’t think you’d care.”
“Are you serious, Natalie? You didn’t think I’d care that you fucking disappeared?” He was fuming now and I wanted to start screaming at him about how he’d hurt me at the restaurant, but I couldn’t because I felt so terrible about what I’d done.
“Tonight, Ethan,” I began, shaking my head. “When I walked into Carmine’s and you treated me the way you did…that really opened my eyes.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Everything’s different now.”
“No, it’s not,” he said defensively.
“It is. And you can’t even see it, which just proves my point.”
“How is it different?”
“We’re different. I’m different and so are you. Back home, you never would’ve made me feel the way you did tonight.”
“How did I make you feel?”
“If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.” My words were bitter because he didn’t think he’d done anything wrong.
“You just showed up at my job, in the middle of the dinner rush,” he began defensively.
“You never told me Carmine’s was off limits. I just wanted to say hi because I miss you.”
“Natalie,” he sighed and I could tell he still didn’t see it. “It just doesn’t look good. My job is important.”
“I know that,” I said, trying to hold back the tears that I wanted desperately to stay away, but I could just feel myself getting angrier. “You could’ve told me in a nicer way instead of being such a dick about it. I can’t even explain to you how you made me feel tonight.” I finally lost my battle and when I blinked, the tears I’d been fighting, spilled down my cheeks and I watched Ethan’s face soften before he spoke.
“I’m sorry about that.” His voice was even for the first time since I’d walked into the apartment.
“You had no right to talk to me the way you did, Ethan,” I began quietly, wiping the tears from my eyes and I wondered how many of the tears were from guilt. “I’ve given up everything for you.” My voice was even lower now because I hadn’t told him the truth and the thought of telling him the truth terrified me, but I knew I had to. “I left everything behind for you and you have the nerve to treat me the way you did.”
“You really feel that way?” he asked quietly, but sternly.
“I do. I did it all for you because I love you.”
We stood there, our eyes meeting and I hated the quiet and the way he was looking at me and when he finally spoke, I could hear the hurt in his voice.
“I’m sorry you feel that way. I thought you wanted to come with me. I thought this was something we both wanted to do.”
“It was, but I didn’t realize how lonely it would be and how it would come between us.”
“What are you talking about? Nothing’s come between us. Everything’s the same as it’s always been.”
“If you think everything’s okay, then our problems are even bigger than I thought.”
“It’s called life, Natalie. We have to make a living. I’m sorry I can’t be at your beck and call all the time,” he said and his sarcasm stung me.
“That’s not what I expect and you know it,” I said and my voice wasn’t as calm as it’d been anymore. “Let’s just drop it, Ethan. You don’t get it anyway. I’m going to bed.”
I didn’t wait and I moved past him quickly into the bedroom.
“This conversation isn’t over, Natalie.”
He’d followed me inside and was standing in the doorway as I sat on the bed.
“I just want to go to sleep,” I sighed, knowing we were going to get nowhere.
“Sleep can wait,” he said insistently. “I’m not letting this go till we have some sort of resolution.
“There is no resolution. Not right now.”
“Don’t do this, Natalie. I’m sorry about what happened tonight.”
“Do you even understand?”
“I do. I’m sorry. What can I do?”
I sighed again and I didn’t know if I should bring it up, especially not after what I’d done tonight with Drew, but I had to.
“I need to ask you something.”
“Go ahead.”
“That girl, the one I saw you with as I was leaving, who is she?”
“What girl are you talking about?” he asked, but I could sense he was nervous.
“As I was leaving, I looked back and saw you at the computer and that girl with black hair put her arm around you and whispered something to you and you both started laughing.”
“Are you serious? You’re not serious about this right now.”
“Don’t patronize me, Ethan. I saw you guys. I saw the way she smiled at you. I saw the way you looked at her.”
“Bridget’s my co-worker. We’re friends at work.”
“Then what’d she say to you?” I demanded, knowing the girl had said something about me and I wanted to know what it was.
“She didn’t say anything,” he said, but I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was hiding something.
“What’d she say?” I demanded again.
“Nothing. Drop it,” he said sternly.
“If it’s nothing, then tell me what she said.”
Ethan sighed and ran a nervous hand through his hair.
“She said…she said,” he stammered, but didn’t go on.
“Just tell me, damn it!” I exclaimed, finally raising my voice.
“She said,” he began and took a deep breath before continuing. “She said, ‘So that’s your girlfriend? Seems kinda crazy. You could do better’.” His mumble was so low, I had a hard time hearing him, but I did hear him and I felt my heart stop and my body freeze. I hadn’t expected something so harsh. I’d wanted to know what had been said, but now that I knew, I wished I didn’t.
“And you…you thought that was funny?” I asked quietly.
“No.”
“I saw you. I saw you laughing with her and now I know you were laughing at me.”
“I didn’t want to get into a confrontation.”
“So, you just let her say that about me? Are you kidding me, Ethan?”
“I told her to knock it off.”
“Sure you did. After you got done laughing,” I said and the room grew silent to the point it was uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry about that, Nat. I shouldn’t have laughed. I should’ve told her to shut up. I’m just so afraid to do anything that would jeopardize my job. I don’t want to have any conflicts between my co-workers and me.”
“But it’s okay to have conflict with me. The woman you supposedly love.”
“The woman I
do
love,” he said softly, his face covered in regret, but I didn’t care. Now that I knew about him and Bridget, I didn’t feel so guilty about having kissed Drew.
Ethan made a few hesitant steps towards me and when he reached his arm out to me, I stepped back.
“Don’t,” I choked out. “Just don’t, Ethan.”
“Natalie, let’s just forget about this. I’m sorry.”
“I can’t forget about it and if you can, you’re an even bigger asshole than I thought. Now just leave me alone.” I walked over to where he was in the doorway and I took my hands, pushing as hard as I could, trying to shove him out of the bedroom.
“You can’t kick me out of our bedroom,” he said as he fought my futile effort. I knew there was no way I could get him to move, but he had to know I didn’t want him near me.
“If you don’t leave me alone right now, then I’m gonna leave and I might not come back.”
I dropped my hand and we stared at each other. I could feel the daggers shooting out of my eyes at him and I knew part of my anger was because of what I’d done, but most of it was because of how he’d made me feel tonight. If he hadn’t been such an ass, I would’ve never gone back to the office and I would’ve never gone back to Drew’s apartment and he would’ve never kissed me in a way to make me second guess everything in my life.
He relented and when he stepped back, I didn’t waste any time, slamming the door in his face.