Moving On Without You (7 page)

Tracy was surprised his mother was so nice and
inviting. Her mother never had that much energy after work.

When Tracy got home her mother was sleeping on the
couch. The room was dark except for the light coming from the television. Tracy
picked up the remote to turn off the box.

"Hey," Janet said.

"Hey."

"You were at school this late?"

"Yeah, I was working on that project with my
partner."

"There's food in the kitchen."

"I ate."

It felt like someone was pulling Tracy's legs away
from the living room. She could not stand to talk to her mother anymore. Every moment
they stood there pretending to care agitated Tracy more.

"Your progress report came. Is there any
reason why you skipped English a few weeks ago?"

"I didn't skip it. I got caught in a hall
sweep."

"You didn't tell me about it."

She wasn’t sure why her mother still tried. Tracy
just wished she would stop. They stared at each other in the dark.

"I forgot. It was no big deal."

"You mean you thought it was none of my
concern. Like your boyfriend?"

Caught off guard by the comments, Tracy stood in
the doorway unsure of how she should respond. Her heart rate increased as she
attempted to think faster than her mother. She thought she had hidden these
details which is why she never thought of an explanation.

"It was not worth mentioning and we aren't
together."

There was a long pause while Janet got up from the
couch and collected a few items from the coffee table. Tracy heard her heart
banging against her chest and wondered if her mother could hear it too.

"I expect you to make it to the rest of your
classes on time this year. This isn't the time to start getting off track. And
clean the kitchen."

Tracy felt the wind brush against her side while
her mother walked past her. She stood in the dark room until she heard the door
shut down the hall. Her secrets were now exposed and her mother was
surprisingly calm about it all.

The snow had started
falling, but it melted before it hit the pavement. It was too windy to walk
down the hill, but Tracy was bored enough to do it. Each house was sealed
tightly fighting the winter cold. She had gotten to the point where spending
any amount of time outside the house was worth whatever friction it took to get
there. The point of the game was to stay away, far away from anything that felt
like her mother—the awkward conversations and lies she had to tell to keep up
with the other lies. It was exhausting trying to be the person her mother
pictured her as—the little girl that had already grown up.

Tracy slipped down the path leading up to Keisha's
door but caught herself before she fell. Before she could ring the doorbell a
second time Keisha was pulling the front door open rushing her inside.

"Hurry up! It's cold out there."

Tracy dumped her boots by the door and shook the
snow off of her jacket before hanging it on the banister. Keisha's house was
toasty and quiet other than the television playing in the next room. The cat
sprang to his feet and watched Tracy until she was seated on the sofa across
the room. They stared into each other's eyes until he was back in his resting
position. Sometimes it felt like it was more his home than anyone else's.

Keisha didn't waste any time with formalities. She
intended to catch up on as much gossip as possible.

"So who is this new guy you were talking
about?" Keisha asked.

"Not exactly new but I'm kind of hanging out
with MD."

"What? How did that happen?"

"I'm not sure. It kind of just crept up on
me."

"Is he cute?"

Tracy thought for a while before replying to her
friend. Cute wasn't the best word to describe her new mate. He was funny and
nice most of the time. They understood each other, but he was not what one
thought of when they said cute.

"He's okay. No dreamboat or anything."

"So why are you dating him?"

It was a good question. One that had panged around
in her head for the past few days, but somehow it kept getting ignored. There
was always something more important to worry about and then before she knew it
he was calling again. The more time they spent together the more she accepted
him.

"I don't know. He's nice. I don't love him or
anything. We're just having fun."

"You must be bored."

"I know. That's bad isn't it?"

"It's up to you really."

It was clear that dating MD for her own
entertainment was wrong, but what Tracy feared more was that she was actually
interested in him. She began to think that she may like him more than she let
on, but she was too self-conscious to admit it to her friends. MD wasn't the
tall, good-looking guy she was supposed to end up with. He wasn't the Pillsbury
doughboy or anything, but he was much different from her previous suitors. They
were obviously mismatched and a small part of her felt ashamed for feeling that
way.

"What's going on with you?" Tracy asked.

"Me and Brandon got back together."

"Really?"

"Yup."

Tracy wasn't sure if she should be angry or
supportive. Surely Keisha could not be serious. Just a few months ago she was
mourning a loss, but now they were sweeping it under the rug. The two of them
had not spoken much about the abortion which made Tracy skirt around the issue.

"Are you sure?"

It seemed like a logical question. How could
Keisha think it was appropriate to get back with the boy that abandoned her in
her time of need? Was she that desperate? Tracy caught herself realized how
desperate she was in her own situation. Here she was dating a guy she was
barely sure if she was interested in all because of boredom. At least Keisha
and Brandon had a genuine attraction to each other.

"I'm positive. He understands me. I get him.
I know what happened was messed up, but we talked about it and we both know we
weren't ready for a baby yet."

"I'm glad you worked it out."

"Me too. I really missed him and it was hard
to see him all the time and not be able to talk to him. I just couldn't stay
mad."

"Right. If you're happy that's all that
matters."

"I am."

Keisha was glowing like nothing had ever happened.
Tracy found it hard to believe her friend could trust any guy again so soon,
especially the one who had caused the damage in the first place. They were
treating it like a rough patch. It was like she had fallen off of her bike and
scraped her leg.

It was easy for Brandon to move on. He had not
been the one sitting in the waiting room wondering if Keisha would come out
alive. He did not hold her hand on the way home while she fought back tears. Of
course he could go on like none of it had happened, but how could Keisha be so
quick to forgive him?

Tracy watched her friend smiling and going on
about this guy, but it did not seem fair that he could jump in and out as he
pleased.
He took me out to get ice cream and we talked all about it.
Was
it really that simple?
He said he would never leave me like that again.
Tracy
watched her lips motioning the words, but she could not connect with the
conversation. So she sat and nodded until Keisha got tired of talking about
him.

"Have you seen Max?" Tracy asked.

"Yeah, I see him around."

"Oh."

As soon as Tracy said his name she regretted it.
She was not supposed to be talking about Max or asking about him. By now she
should have moved on and forgotten him. For some reason she could not get him
out of her head. No matter how many people she tried to date, his memory would
not go away.

"I don't think he's dating anyone or
anything. I wouldn't really know though."

"I know. I was just wondering I guess."

"Why don't you call him?"

"And say what?"

"Tell him you miss him. I'm sure he misses
you too."

"I doubt it."

"What do you have to lose?"

"I don't know his phone number anyway."

"I could get it for you."

Deep down Tracy was dying to hear from Max, but
she was not willing to make the first move. He stopped speaking to her and the
only way they were going to speak was if he came to her.

"I'm over it," Tracy said.

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"I have a man."

The words spilled out of her mouth before she
could stop them. She tasted every syllable as they came out and each one made
her feel more foolish than the last. Being with MD did not make her proud or
happy. How had she gotten herself in this situation?

Tracy had never felt so lost in all of her life.
It was like she did not know who she was becoming at all. Just a year ago she
had an idea where her life was going, but now she was tossing it up and
watching where it fell.

New Year's Eve came
quickly and Tracy had no intention of spending the holiday in the house. Her
mother was not cooking and her family did not make plans to celebrate together.
An invitation had been extended for her to come to MD's house for dinner with
his mother, father, and aunt. Tracy had become fond of MD's mother and she was
a huge fan of her homemade dishes. His mother created meals Tracy had only
eaten in restaurants or heard about on television.

When he called to ask if she was coming over she
was taken aback.
Are you sure it’s okay? I'm not really family,
she kept
saying.
My mom loves you
, he assured her. They went back and forth until
Tracy caved. She had memories of her family get-togethers when she was a kid,
but those gatherings had long passed. Trying to get her aunts and uncles in the
same room now was an impossible task. Just thinking about the long, drawn-out
phone calls was giving Tracy a headache.

MD had given her a great alternative and her
mother had finally warmed up to him. He called so much that she couldn't ignore
him and his mother assured Janet that Tracy was safe in their home.
I would
take care of her like she was my own child.
This was enough to get Janet to
let go and let her daughter have an ounce of freedom.

Tracy planned to bring a dish but MD's family had
declined. She thought it might be rude to come empty handed, but she called a
cab and waited for the horn.

"Bye, ma!"

"Bye!"

Tracy rushed out of the front door and winced from
the cold air seeping through her scarf. It felt odd walking out of the house
with her mother's permission to go see a guy. She had waited for this moment
for years.

"Where to?"

Tracy recited the address from memory. She had
been to MD's home a number of times. It started out as them studying, but they
continued to meet long after the project ended.
We're practicing for the
presentation,
they said.
MD's mother exposed them when she finally
called Janet to speak to her about her daughter's whereabouts.

Seeing MD was much easier than Tracy had imagined.
He had cousins who drove them around and when they did not feel like doing that
he gave Tracy money to take cabs to and from his home. They did not spend much
time at her house because she was too busy trying to stay away from it. She was
not in love with him, but she loved that he provided a way for her to get out.

There were only a couple cars in MD's driveway and
one was his father's. The other must have belonged to his aunt. The women
greeted her before she could see anyone else.

"Hello."

"Hi, Tracy!"

"I've heard so much about you. God, you're so
pretty!"

"I told you!"

Tracy watched the two women exchanging glances in
the living room until MD hopped down the stairs to greet her.

"Mohammed, she is so cute! I can't believe
it. You did good this time."

"Thanks."

Tracy hoped the discussion would end soon. His dad
was nowhere in sight. He must have known better than to come downstairs before
the food was served. Tracy waited until it was her turn to say something.

"Is the food almost done?" MD asked.

"Not yet. I will let you know," his
mother said.

"Okay. I'm going back upstairs."

"Bye," the women said.

"Nice meeting you," Tracy said.

Tracy followed MD the way she had ten times before
and plopped down on his bed.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"Remember you said I wasn't your first? Who
was it?"

The question was unexpected and seemed totally
irrelevant. How long had he been waiting to bring this up?

"You don't know him."

"How do you know?"

"He doesn't go to our school."

It was probably not a good idea to reveal Terry's
identity considering the fact that he could get into trouble for being involved
with her. They had not run into each other since the barbecue, but that was
probably because it had gotten cold outside and Tracy was not spending much
time at her grandmother's house.

"Then it's no harm in me knowing who he
is."

He was probably right about this. She knew the two
guys could have never crossed paths.

"His name is Terrence."

MD frowned and shifted his eyes from left to
right.

"What does he look like?"

"He's tall, kind of light-skinned. Why?"

"Do they call him T-mo?"

Tracy stopped playing with her nails and froze
against the wall on the bed. She sat there with her mouth hanging open but
could not face her boyfriend. Her mind spun around while she attempted to
remember if she had seen MD at the movies or the corner store when she was
flirting with Terry. She couldn't remember a thing. Most of the time they had
spent together was a blur and the thoughts were coming too fast to make sense
of any of it.

"It is him isn't it?" he said.

Tracy pressed her eyes closed for a second before
opening them again.

"How do you—"

"He plays basketball with one of my
homeboys."

He must have told him everything about her. She
was the only girl named Tracy that went to Jefferson which made it pretty
difficult to deny any of it. It felt like she had pants made of lead keeping
her from lifting up off of that bed.

"Why would you want to be with him?" he
asked.

"He's cute."

"He's twenty-two years old! I begged you for
your number for months and you give this old ass man your number after meeting
him on a street corner once? I can't believe this."

"It was not like that. He was nice,
attractive, and we were both single. I don't see what the big deal is."

"You act like you're so perfect and you don't
do anything, but here you are sleeping around with some pervert."

"He's not a pervert! What is wrong with you?
I didn't know how old he was when I met him. I just liked him."

"I thought you were different from those
girls."

"So because I am not a virgin now I'm somehow
different? You're no virgin yourself."

"I was actually."

Tracy looked up to see Mohammed was not being
sarcastic. His face was completely serious and he looked like someone had
stomped all over his heart.

"Why didn't you tell me that?" she
asked.

"It wasn't important."

"I didn't know."

"Do you love me?"

"I can't say that."

"Why not?"

"I can't say it unless I'm sure that I mean
it."

"Do you love Terrence?"

"No."

The room felt like it was closing in to suffocate
her. It was either the room or the relationship. Tracy looked out the door into
the small hallway trying to think of a reason to escape. She had assumed the
afternoon would be a bunch of carefree kissing that ended with dinner but that
was asking too much. The space was now awkward and tense. She hoped someone
could change the subject but her partner was too busy sulking.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"It's no big deal. You slept with me the
first night too."

"No I did not! I came over here for weeks
before we even made it official."

"But the day we made it official, we had
sex."

She stared at him wondering where he had found the
guts to say something like that to her. He had clearly lost his mind. It seemed
like the perfect time to let him know that she had only agreed to be his
girlfriend because she had gotten too tired to say no anymore, but that would
only prove his point. Maybe she was as shallow as the girls she hung out with
or worse. At least they had the courage to turn the guys down. She had gotten
so weak and desperate that she actually said yes, had sex with him, and allowed
him to disrespect her. None of it was making her want to leave though.

After Tracy ate she called herself a cab and paid
him with the money MD had slid in her pocket an hour earlier. She was beginning
to feel like a prostitute, but she hadn't had enough yet. The relationship was
a cycle of disappointment, but it made her feel comfortable to have him there.

Janet had fallen asleep on the couch with the
television on again. Tracy took the phone into her room to check all the missed
calls. There was one from Bryan which she redialed immediately. He seemed to be
in good spirits which raised hers.

"How have you been? I missed you," he
said.

"A wreck."

"Why? School's out! You better get happy
before I come back and kick your butt!"

"Why are you so happy?"

"Girl, life is good down here."

"You must have a new boyfriend."

"Nope! But I do have a girlfriend."

Tracy had a hard time imagining Bryan walking down
the street swinging hands with a girl. It had to be a stunt to distract his
mother.

"You're such a liar," she said.

"No ma'am. I am serious. She goes to my
school and she's amazing."

"Wow. Excuse me if I'm shocked. Georgia has
changed you."

"Yup. How are you and your man?"

"Don't get me started with that."

"Is it good?"

"What?"

"The sex."

"Not really."

"Well what the hell are you staying with him
for?"

Tracy couldn't hold back the laughter. She had
been wondering the same thing. If they did not have love, sex, or any real
connection what was she waiting for? The idea of being alone had become too
much to bear. She kept thinking that at some point he would grow on her.

"He's not so bad."

"Girl, that's how you describe the mailman,
not the guy you're dating. You need to let it go."

"But what if I'm lonely?"

"Get a dog!"

What Bryan was saying made sense, but letting go
was an entirely different hurdle. She had no idea how to escape from her mother
if she was not hanging out with MD anymore. The relationship had passed its
peak, but Tracy was not sure if she wanted to hold on and suffer a little
longer.