Moving On Without You (2 page)

"You know anything about this movie?" he
asked.

"It looks funny. I don't know much about it
though."

He was attempting to make conversation. She leaned
back in the chair as the lights dimmed. If she was here with any other guy she
would probably be kissing him, but she did not feel like kissing Terry. He
didn't reach over to touch her either. Tracy sat with her back pressed against
the cushy chair and focused on the screen.

The ending of the movie brought Tracy's anxiety back.
She was beginning to worry that Terry saw her as a friend. He didn't even try
to hold her hand. When they got back in the car he put the key in the ignition
but paused.

"Do you like me?" Terry asked.

"Of course I like you. Why else would I be
here?"

"Well I wasn't sure. You're not really
aggressive."

"That's not really my thing. I think I'd
rather be chased."

He took the comment as an invitation and pressed
his lips against hers. She was glad Max had taught her how to kiss or that
moment would have been a lot more awkward. Terry was only the second guy Tracy
had kissed, but it wasn't like kissing Max. It actually felt like kissing a
stranger. It was as if she was breaking the rules and soon someone would come
to stomp on their parade. She did not feel much of a connection, but she went
through the motions because she did not know what else to do.

The more time Tracy spent with Terry, the more she
worried about what Terry was expecting. So far it had just been a movie date,
but Tracy felt like more was coming. All she did was think about what she would
do the next time he asked to come over her house. It seemed like a good time to
consider her options for birth control just in case things got serious. If she
could not be with the only person she had ever loved, she might as well have
fun with someone good-looking.

"Mom?"

"Yes?"

"I think I should get on birth control."

"Birth control?"

Janet spun around so fast she almost knocked the
boiling pot off the stove. "For what? Are you having sex?"

"Well, no."

"So what do you need birth control for?"

Tracy couldn't tell her mother about Terry. Janet
had asked about the random numbers on the caller ID, but Tracy had been able to
convince her it was one of her friends.

"I don't know. I just thought I might want to
and so I should be prepared just in case it might happen."

"Tracy, it does not just happen like that. Do
you even have a boyfriend?"

Terry hadn't said what they were. They hung out
and talked on the phone, but they didn't discuss any titles or rules. Tracy
knew he didn't belong to her.

"No."

"So what do you need it for? That's a waste
of time. You're not ready for sex."

It had taken a lot to muster up the courage to
start this conversation and Tracy did not feel comfortable pressing the issue.
Her mother wasn't going to understand this without her explaining what was
really going on and that probably would not turn out well. No words could
really make it sound right so Tracy gave up the idea of her mother walking her
into their family gynecologists' office and asking for a pill pack.

The whole thing seemed a lot simpler in her head,
but once the conversation began she realized how ridiculous it must seem from
her mother's perspective. Her school counselor had advised her to start taking
the pill before sex in order to prevent pregnancy, but her mother was not going
for it.

After a day of deliberation without any change in
her mind she recruited Sean to accompany her to the nearest free clinic. The
billboards were posted around town, the posters were on the sides of busses,
and the commercials were coming on the radio. It was worth a try. She had heard
some nasty rumors about the condition of these clinics, but she did not have
many other options available.

The two friends took the city bus downtown to the
nearest clinic that allowed walk-ins. Upon arrival a receptionist gave her a
clipboard with a stack of papers and a pen connected by a string and rubber
band. Before the paperwork was complete, they were calling her to a room in the
back.

The walls of the clinic were white and clean. It
was set up a lot like her pediatrician's office, but instead of posters with
the food groups and inner ear diagrams there were pictures of the male and
female reproductive systems.

Sitting on the cushioned table top with a paper
gown covering her underwear she waited for a staff member to rap on the door.
The door swung open to show a short, middle-aged woman extending her hand out
to the girl. Tracy shook her hand and smiled back. The woman looked through her
chart and asked a few questions Tracy had already checked on the sheet.

"How many sexual partners have you had?"

"None."

"Why do you want birth control?"

"I think I might have sex soon."

The woman looked just as confused as her mother
had when she asked her that question the day before. Everyone was making her
feel like an idiot for protecting herself. Wasn't this the way she was supposed
to do it? The nurse practitioner scribbled on the clipboard, but Tracy couldn't
decipher anything from where she was sitting.

After checking Tracy's blood pressure, heart rate,
and pressing on her stomach she sat back down to write a few more notes on the
chart.

"Okay what kind of birth control would you
like?"

"What kind do you have?"

"Well there is a whole list of contraceptives
you should consider."

The woman passed her a brochure with a table of
methods along with their success rates. Tracy felt like she should have looked
some of this up before coming in. She had no idea there were so many choices.
How did other girls choose?

"What do you recommend?" Tracy asked.

"I often ask my patients this: Do you really
think you can remember to take a pill at the same time every single day?"

Up until that moment Tracy did not know you had to
take the pill at the same time every day. Did anyone actually remember to do
that?

"Probably not."

"Okay well you might want to try the shot.
You only have to come in for a shot once every three months and you're fine in
between. I still recommend that you use condoms, but as far as birth control
that is a safe bet for younger people."

"So I just have to come for the shot once
every three months? That works?"

"Of course! They all work. Any choice on this
list is fine if done correctly. It just depends on your lifestyle and what is
most convenient for you. Just don't forget to come back."

"Okay. I will just do that. Does it
hurt?"

"No. Not much. It will be over in a second.
I'll go get the shot and I'll be right back."

Tracy knew her cousin took the shot and gained a
lot of weight, but as soon as she got off it she ended up pregnant. That was
enough to convince Tracy she was not leaving without the birth control. This
was probably the best option because Janet would never find the pills around
the house.

She allowed the woman to shoot her in her left
arm. Then, she got dressed and met Sean back in the waiting area. The whole
process was easier than Tracy imagined. It was time that she began to take care
of herself because her mother was not prepared for this moment in her life yet.
Now she could be confident that no matter what happened in the future. She was
safe and would not be bringing home any children. That was the most important
thing.

The days were beginning to
run together and it was hard to keep track of the time. Tracy ran around her room
frantically tossing clothes on her bed. Nothing seemed to fit properly or look
how it did when it was purchased. No outfit seemed to be good enough to get her
out of the door. She was rushing because Terry said he would meet her at Keisha's
house twenty minutes ago, but she could not make solid decision on what to
wear. It was too hot to be spending this much effort on something so silly. Her
old pink dress was hanging over the back of her desk chair. It was her first
choice that she had tossed aside before rummaging through every other piece of
clothing in her closet. Quickly throwing it on she grabbed her keys, punched in
the alarm code, and ran out the door.

It was even hotter outside than in her bedroom
which didn't seem possible five minutes ago. The sun was beating and she began
to wish she had brought a bottle of water. She was not going back. Janet would
be home soon and if she caught her daughter leaving she would try to lock her
in the house or grill her with a million questions. Walking at a steady pace
was a skill that had to be mastered over the past few weeks. Walking too
quickly would result in a feverish state that always led to excessive sweating
and aggravation. Moving too slow would end in heat exhaustion. Even though Tracy
maintained her pace, she was getting annoyed less than halfway down the hill.

Keisha lived in a red house at the bottom of the
hill on Chauncey Street. It was the main road that Tracy's street met on the north
end. It was busy and there were always a lot of people outside getting into
trouble. Terry had met her there a couple times before, but they kept the
meetings brief because Keisha's mother got off work at four.

Their relationship—or lack thereof—was still
largely a secret. Generally they met for less than an hour before he had to
"run to work" or "get back home." Tracy was beginning to
speculate about his whereabouts, but she didn't have the nerve to ask him. She still
hadn't found the courage to ask if he was her boyfriend or where the friendship
was going. He made it clear that he liked her and he enjoyed her company but
that was it. They had kissed a few times but not much more had happened.

In an effort to not scare the guy off she was
still not talking much. She had told Max her feelings, but that didn't end well
at all which left a barrier between her and most other people.

When Tracy got to the fifth block she could see
Keisha's little sister sitting on her mountain bike in the front yard talking
to a young boy. He didn't look familiar at all, but Tracy greeted them both
before skipping up the steps. There was no sign of Terry.

"Keisha!"

"Come in!"

Tracy stepped inside the house relieved that Terry
was not there yet. That would give her a minute to freshen up.

"Hey, lady!"

"Hey! It's so damn hot out there. I don't
know how you made it."

"I know. Can I use your bathroom? I'm
dying."

"Yeah, you know where it is."

The house was empty other than a gray cat staring
around the corner. He was sitting right in front of the fan on the kitchen
table. Family photos lined the wall along the staircase. Bright sunlight shone
in through the curtains on the second floor. Keisha's mother was not really a
decorator, but she made sure the place felt like a home.

"Okay, I'm good now."

Tracy fell into the sofa across from Keisha.

"I can't believe how hot it is."

Keisha looked weary. She was positioned on the
couch right in front of the air conditioner. The machine wasn't doing much to
cool the open space, but it was better than being outside. Tracy began to think
she might have missed Terry while she was rummaging through her closet.

"Yeah. It's crazy. You sure Terry didn't get
here yet?"

"I haven't seen him."

"Thank god. I was rushing, but I figured he
would be late."

"My sister been out there so I'm sure she
would've told me if he came by."

"Okay."

Tracy felt uneasy. She couldn't stand to wait on
anybody. It was making her anxious to sit there. He might not remember which
house it was if he did not see her and he didn't have Keisha's phone number.

"Maybe we should go outside. He might be
scared to stop because he doesn't see me out there," Tracy said.

"Really? Fine, whatever. Let me take the
phone in case my mother calls."

Tracy went out on the porch and sat on the lawn
chair. It was a little cooler in the shade and a nice breeze had started moving
through. The temperature was noticeably warmer than the house though.

"It won't take long. I swear."

Keisha's didn't look convinced. She flopped down
on another lawn chair and watched her sister peddle past.

"I'm so tired. I've been sleeping all day
until you called," Keisha said.

"Yeah, I didn't get up that long ago. I woke
up when he called me."

"No, I've been sleeping nonstop all week. I'm
not really feeling like myself. . . .you know?"

Tracy looked at her friend's face, but she couldn't
take her mind off of Terry. Where was he and why was he taking so long? Was he
even coming? If he did want to cancel he definitely couldn't call her and let
her know.

"Okay. . . .you're probably just lazy from
all the heat. You haven't been going anywhere besides Brandon's house and he
doesn't exactly live far."

Tracy motioned toward the house next door but
Keisha was silent. Her face was serious and she did look exhausted, but there
was something else in her eyes. It was a look Tracy didn't see often on her
friend's face. She looked worried.

"What's wrong?"

The silver Lexus pulled into the driveway
interrupting their conversation. Tracy looked back at her friend. Keisha's lips
were pursed together. Something was wrong. Keisha was looking down at her
fingertips.

"Nothing."

"You sure?"

"Positive."

Keisha peered into the car and watched as Terry
backed out and parked on the other side of the street. Tracy couldn't keep her
eyes off of her friend. Something had happened and Tracy wanted to know what she
had missed. She couldn't press the issue now though.

"We can talk about later?"

"Okay."

"Hey!"

Terry jumped onto the porch to hug Tracy.

"Hi."

Tracy was still very shy around Terry. It was hard
to get comfortable considering she did not know exactly what she meant to him.
They kept the conversation light most of the time. He didn't know much about
her past or her family and he didn't seem to care. Tracy had lowered her
standards a bit to date a guy like him.

Terry seemed like the type to get into trouble. He
was always hanging around weird guys that didn't work but always had wads of
cash. His work hours were strange and she couldn't remember him ever saying where
he worked or what he did.

The important thing was that he always showed up
when she asked to see him and he always had money to do whatever she wanted. Terry
didn't do anything to push her out of her comfort zone and she continued to
play it by ear.

"I got you something."

Tracy could never resist that smile. When he
smiled like that it made her feel like she could fall in love with him.

"What?"

"Come to the car and I'll show you."

She turned to Keisha who was still looking lost.

"I'll be right back."

Tracy couldn't tell if Keisha had heard her
because she did not turn her head or nod. Whatever was bothering her had to be
awful because Keisha was never this serious. She was one of the most playful
people Tracy knew.

The car was all white inside except for the wood
grain dashboard and doors. The seats were leather. Tracy was always paranoid about
spilling things inside the car. Terry was very sensitive about his vehicle and
he had already complained about her wearing blue jeans and sitting directly on
the seat. Whenever she wore denim he made her sit on a towel.

"So what did you get me?"

She was grinning. She loved receiving gifts no
matter what they were. Terry had been generous over the past few weeks. He took
her out and always paid, but he never bought her any presents.

He reached into the backseat and placed a small
box in her open hands. She could see that it was a phone before she got the
cardboard off of it. Her eyes lit up when the device was revealed.

"Oh my god. You didn't have to—"

"Why do you keep saying that? I wanted to.
Now I can call whenever I need to reach you."

"Thank you."

She kissed him without waiting for him to initiate
this time. He sat back and smiled at her while she rubbed her hands across the
phone case.

"I gotta go, but I can come back later?"

She was not ready for him to go. It was the first
time that she felt like she needed him and he was leaving.

"Yeah."

"Alright. I'll see you later tonight."

"Okay."

Tracy kissed Terry goodbye and ran back across the
street. Keisha was back inside the house, but she didn't appear to be doing any
better.

"Where is Brandon?"

"I don't know."

"He lives right next door. You haven't seen
him?"

"I'm not worried about him right now."

Keisha stared at the television. She was still but
she looked angry.

"Okay. . . ."

"I found out that I'm pregnant."

Tracy's hand flew up to cover her own mouth. This
was her biggest fear. It was no secret that Keisha and Brandon had been having
sex, but she always assumed they were using protection. The topic of sex had
been pretty awkward between them because Keisha knew she was more experienced
than Tracy.

It was hard to listen to those intimate details of
her and Brandon. Tracy never wanted to think of any of her friends as sexual
beings, let alone parents. Hearing those words,
I'm pregnant
, made it
clear to Tracy that she was about to lose her best friend. This baby was about
to change everything.

Once Tracy got home she pulled her new phone out
of her purse and turned it on. The phone had already been activated and had
more applications on it than she knew what to do with. This was her first cell
phone and it seemed like an extravagant gift considering Terry barely knew her.
He would definitely want something in exchange for this gesture.

After figuring out how to silence the phone she
hid it underneath her comforter until her mother left for work. Occasionally
she took it out to check for new texts but nothing had come through. Her new
boyfriend was the only person who had the phone number because she had not
thought to ask him for it and she did not want to risk calling her own house line
to get it.

Owning this new device meant she was breaking yet
another rule, but breaking her mother's rules was no longer a huge fear of
hers. She had already been man-handled and cursed out by the woman.

Janet was long gone before Tracy dared to call
Terry.

"Hey," he answered on the first ring.
"You ready?"

Her heart sped up because something felt
different. Their meetings before had been innocent, but it appeared as though
tonight meant more to him. She knew he bought her that phone because he wanted
some kind of ownership over the person attached to it. A part of her wondered
how many phones he had distributed throughout the city and how much he got in
exchange for the goods. There was no real way to measure such a thing
especially considering she didn't have a lot of experience to compare it to.
She was lost in this world. None of the movies she watched could have prepared
her for the next step.

The bus was nearly empty except for a few elderly
people sitting in seats at the front. Not many people were waiting so the bus
skipped past most stops on the way toward Keisha's. Tracy made a mental note to
start taking the bus to Keisha's house.

She now had money in her pocket on a regular basis
because Terry always made sure he left her something when he visited. Most of the
visits occurred at night and didn't last more than an hour or two, but Tracy
appreciated the effort he made. It was more than any other guy outside of her
family had ever done for her.

Keisha looked sluggish when she entered the bus.
Tracy was not sure that she had even seen her. She watched as her lethargic
friend paid and stepped toward the back.

"You okay?" Tracy asked.

"I'm fine."

Tracy didn't know how to help. She did not want to
patronize Keisha or fuss over her too much, but she was concerned. It was
difficult to understand how Keisha could make such a big decision without
Brandon—hard to imagine the situation in general.

This wasn't the first time one of her peers had
gotten pregnant. There was a girl in her sixth grade class that disappeared in
the middle of the school year. Everyone thought she moved. When the students
kept asking the teachers they said,
She is sick
,
We aren't sure when
she will be back.
The charade went on for a couple months until one day the
girl showed up in class again. Then, the rumors started going around about her
having a baby while she was gone. This girl was about a year older than Tracy
because she had been held back, but thirteen was still too early to be a mom.
By the time they reached the eighth grade she was proud to display her toddler.
She kept a picture of the baby in her locker. Nobody heard much about the
father, but that was typical.

The two girls stared ahead as the signs went by.
Neither of them wanted to make eye contact. The silence was awkward, but Tracy
had no idea what to say. It was an awful time to make jokes and Keisha looked
like she was in really bad shape. Tracy had to break the silence.