Moving On Without You (5 page)

The chalkboard filled with
problems faster than Tracy could write them down. Mr. Shafer slid the boards,
erasing old material and continued to the next topic. The formulas did not seem
to add up to anything, but she copied them all down in her notebook. Her
teacher paced across the front of the classroom, seemingly stumped on how to
dumb down the idea of balancing ionic equations.

Tracy glanced at her notebook which had turned
into a bunch of pages with scribbles. She had never worked so hard at something
only to find that she had not learned anything. The class looked up when a silhouette
started knocking at the door. John walked in and found a seat next to Tracy.

"What are we doing?" he asked.

John was a guy that came to class religiously. He
never said much or did anything to stand out from the crowd. Most of the time,
he blended in with the crowd, not making many friends or any problems. During
freshman year he spoke to Tracy once or twice in English class, but she did not
know much about him. Today he had come in so late that his normal seat was
taken which placed him next to her. Clueless to what was going on herself, she
was hesitant to answer his question, but she did not want to ignore him.

"Balancing equations," she said.

"Can I copy your notes?"

"I'm not sure it would help, but yeah."

The teacher turned on a video to demonstrate the
motion of atoms exchanging places inside of a liquid solvent. Tracy watched the
structures move back and forth hoping her head would not explode. John
scribbled the notes down faster than she had and passed the notebook back to
her.

"Can I ask you something?" he said.

She kept her eyes focused on the video not wanting
to miss the magic moment when everything Mr. Shafer had said would suddenly
make sense.

"Sure," she said.

"Are you dating Mohammed?"

She looked over at John suspiciously wondering how
he had picked up on the flirting going on between her and MD. There were
probably more people who had seen them talking and assumed they were together.
Tracy worried her barely existent image was being tarnished by this guy before
she even agreed to anything.

"No," she said.

"Good."

"Why is that good?"

"You could do better."

Her eyes found MD sitting a couple rows forward.
She knew she did not like him, but she felt bad for him and thought he might
need a friend. John's words scared her though. She knew it wasn't wise to date
someone out of pity, but something felt right about it. There was no one else
that loved her or wanted her.

"I just thought I should let you know."

The words lingered in Tracy's mind longer than she
wanted. Mr. Shafer turned the lights back on and initiated a discussion. Tracy
wrote down each question and answer but did not have the courage to ask
anything herself. The bell rang just in time to give her mind a much needed
break. When the classroom was nearly empty, Tracy swung her bag up from the
floor and met Mr. Shafer in the front.

"Hello, Tracy. How'd you like the
video?"

"It was interesting."

"Yeah?"

The teacher stacked the glasses up at the sink.

"I'm a little confused about the equations.
They don't always balance and I'm not sure why, but I tend to lose an atom here
or there."

"I'm always here after school and during
homebase, but first you should give tonight's homework a try. Reading it in
your book may help. Then, we can go over it in the morning."

Tracy frowned at the man. She knew she did not
know what she was doing. Pushing the numbers around on a piece of line paper
was not going to help. She shifted the heavy bag from one shoulder to the
center of her spine and pressed back on her heels.

"It may sound ridiculous, but sometimes
reading the chapter makes it clearer for students. The book has examples and it
may help to see it displayed in a different format," he said.

She was getting more aggravated by the second.
Everyone always told her to ask for help if she needed it, but the moment she
asked the teacher discarded her efforts. If she had the knowledge to learn it
on her own, why would she be in the course at all? She bit her lip thinking of
a substantial response to the teacher.

"Okay. I will try that and let you
know," she said.

She hurried out the door as the second bell rang.
There were a few students wandering around the halls as she rushed toward the
other side of the building. When she got to the steps heading to the third
floor a voice yelled from behind her.

"Hall Pass!"

She froze for a few seconds, cringing from the
sound of the words. Tracy spun around to see a tiny woman, a few inches shorter
than herself, with her hair tucked in a tight librarian's bun. Her lips were
taught and she looked stern.

"Where is your hall pass?"

"I don't have one. I just came from Mr.
Shafer's class. He could tell you."

"He should have written you a pass."

"I know, but I wasn't thinking. I thought I
could make it in time."

Tracy tried to put on the most innocent face she
could muster, but the sentry was not buying it. The woman stepped closer to the
girl, gave her a once over and motioned for her to come down the stairs.

"You have to go to detention. Follow
me."

"But I'll miss my whole English class."

"You should have gotten a hall pass."

"I forgot."

"Maybe next time you will remember."

Tracy peered at the top step. She thought she
could run up the stairs much faster than the sentry and make it to English
without being caught.

"Come on. I don't have all day."

The woman continued the motion trying to get her
attention. Tracy felt defeated walking down those two steps and following the
sentry down the next flight. She should have thought to get a hall pass, but it
seemed like a waste of time for just one minute being late. The two of them
walked past the trophy cases in the main corridor and entered the auditorium.

It was dark inside the auditorium compared to the
brightly lit corridors. Tracy could see a few students sitting in the seats.
She followed the sentry up to the stage in the front of the room and signed a
sheet with twenty two other names on it. The woman left her with another guard
who was sitting on stage supervising the detention.

"Please take a seat in the middle section.
Don't sit in a row with anybody else. You have forty more minutes."

Half of the kids in there were sleeping and the
rest were staring at the walls. One girl was pretending to have her head down
on the seat in front of her, but when Tracy got closer she realized she was
texting. The lights on the chair handles illuminated the seat numbers as she
walked up to the next empty row. She settled on 23C. The old chair creaked when
she pulled the cushion down to rest on it. The sound seemed to echo through the
entire room.

It was a creepy place to be in alone, or nearly
alone. There was one other time she had been in the room and that was for
picture day. The students had been called class by class to line up in order by
last name and take pictures. Their ID cards still had not come and Tracy's
mother opted out of ordering the photos.

Tracy was sure the picture was not flattering due
to the fact that the photographer took it when she was not even looking
forward. She had gotten distracted by some gum on the floor and looked up just
in time to be caught by surprise. There was no time to take another photo and
he insisted she looked fine. She hoped she looked somewhat normal, considering
these were the same photos they filled the yearbook with. She had spent all
that time flat-ironing her hair just to make a silly face and still end up
looking like a dork.

Here she was again, only this time there was
nobody there to make her laugh or rush her through the line. She was stuck in
this pointless detention for no reason at all. How exactly was missing a class
going to teach her a lesson? If anything this was a much needed break.

She tried to quietly unzip her bookbag, but it was
making more noise than the chair had. The guard did not say a word. He was
sitting at a desk on stage reading his own book. Tracy opened her chemistry
book to read the chapter Mr. Shafer had recommended. Seeing the words displayed
in a new way made a slight difference, but she was still confused. She read
through the practice problems until the bell rang.

All the students grabbed their things and lined up
at the front of the auditorium. Tracy was not familiar with the process, but
followed the others. She stood at the back of the line that crept slowly. Each
student that passed her on their way out of the room had a slip in their hand.
When she got to the front she took the paper and read through the message:

Dear Sir/Madam, Your
child has been kept in detention today due to their tardiness or failure to
comply with the rules. Please acknowledge that you have received this letter by
signing and dating the bottom. If you have any questions or concerns, please
contact Mr. Johnson at X2901. Please turn this letter in to the main office within
3 days.

Tracy couldn't believe she had to get her mother
to sign the paper. The whole thing was juvenile. She had waited in line and now
was late going to lunch. It wasn't a big deal considering she did not eat lunch
most days anyway. When she made it to her table she found Chloe had not held
her seat. There was not much space at all, but she managed to squeeze in on the
other side of the table.

The girls continued gossiping about all their life
failures while Tracy tried to tell Chloe about her experience in detention.

"I can't believe they held you in detention
for that. I could see if you were like ten minutes late or something,"
Chloe said.

"It's no big deal. Did I miss anything in
English?"

"I took the notes for you."

Chloe reached down into her bag to take the
notebook out for Tracy. Tracy struggled to get her bag from under the table
because the girls were packed in the small table section so tightly. She bumped
her elbow into Sharon when her bag finally broke free from below the table.

"What the hell? You see me sitting
here!" Sharon shouted.

"You see me trying to get my bag!"

"So what! You should have never sat here. You
know it's no room."

"You should have never gave my seat away! I
sit here every day."

The girl got up from the seat and stared Tracy in
her face.

"What you gonna do about it?"

Tracy flipped her legs over the bench and got up
from the table. She knew she was in enough trouble, but could not back down at
this point. The whole table was watching and a few of the surrounding students
had started to look over.

The girls were standing eye to eye. Tracy knew she
could take Sharon if it came to it. They were the same height with similar
builds. She wanted to slap Sharon in the face, but knew she could not strike
first. At Jefferson, whoever hit first was the person who got suspended and her
mother would kill her if she got suspended.

"You're lucky we're in this school and not
anywhere else," Sharon spewed the words through her teeth.

"Lucky? You don't know who you're dealing
with."

Tracy heard the words come out of her own mouth
and they surprised her. It must have been the adrenaline talking. Chloe pulled
Tracy's arm and brought her back toward the entrance, but Tracy could not keep
her eyes off of Sharon.

"Calm down. You can't get suspended,"
Chloe said.

"Chloe, I don't want to hear it. You didn't
even try to defend me."

"It happened so fast. I didn't know—"

"You knew. You just did not want to hurt your
cheerleading buddy's feelings. I thought you were my friend?"

"I am your friend, but I can't get into
fights with people. I'd be kicked off the squad."

"That's all you care about? The squad?"

"Tracy, that's not fair."

"No, it's not fair that I am always the one
who is left out. That's not fair."

Tracy looked up to see all the kids in the lunch room
watching her. She barreled over to the table and pulled her bag from underneath
it. She left the cafeteria alone.

There weren't many places she could go which made
her wish that Sean was there. She knew something like that would have never
happened at Roosevelt. Sean would have stood up before she had, but Chloe was
not like Sean. Chloe followed the crowd. She cared what people thought. Tracy
knew that about her friend, but knowing how quickly things could go awry, she
did not feel comfortable having Chloe at her side. There was no way to tell
whose side Chloe would be on, but Tracy got the feeling it was not hers.

The wind was stirring up
the orange and red leaves, causing them to litter the sidewalk leading up to
the school. Most of the trees were left with their bare branches exposed to the
morning sky. The students moved sluggishly into the school.

Tracy saw Chloe standing with Sharon and the other
girls. She thought about whether she should walk past them into the building or
stop to reconcile. Before she could make a decision Chloe had seen her and run
over to meet her.

"Hi," Chloe said.

Tracy stared at her friend then looked over at
Sharon who had stopped talking to the girls to focus on Tracy.

"Hey," Tracy said.

"Do you still need my notes?"

Tracy looked at Chloe. She wanted to hate her so
badly, but the pathetic apology on her face made Tracy want to forgive her. Being
an individual wasn't Chloe's strong suit. Tracy knew that before she agreed to
hang out her.

"Yeah."

"You should come to my homebase."

"I have to meet Mr. Shafer. I told him I
would come see him about the homework last night."

And like that they had swept it all under the rug
and become friends again. Tracy found it difficult to hold a grudge, but she
did not trust Chloe like she had before. The disagreement had shown her where Chloe's
loyalty lied, but Tracy preferred having at least one person to talk to. It did
not seem smart to go through high school without an ally.

"I guess I'll see you in Chem then?"
Chloe said.

"Yeah."

The two friends walked into the school together
behind Sharon and the other girls. Tracy left Chloe at the base of the stairs
and went to the back hallway to her own homebase. Her teacher sat behind the
desk grading papers when Tracy walked in to greet her.

"Good morning, Tracy!"

"Good morning. I need to go see Mr. Shafer
for some help with my chemistry homework. Can you write me a pass?"

"Sure! Let me just find my notebook."

Mrs. Jones scrambled in the old desk for a pad of
paper while the students came in. There weren't many kids in the class and most
of them got passes to go to their friends' homebases each morning, which left
the group that played checkers, a few kids that argued about video games, a guy
who drew pictures in one corner, and normally Tracy in the other.

Today Tracy was venturing out into another
homebase, though. She knew if she couldn't get this chemistry material down at
the beginning of October, she was sure to fail the rest of the year. She had
been on good terms with her mother and she did not intend to screw it up.

Janet had come into her room asking about classes
already, but Tracy wanted to keep the conversation to a minimum. She just
wanted to pass the classes, do her chores, and interact with her mother as
infrequently as possible.

"Tracy, I got a note from the office. You
were in detention yesterday?" Mrs. Jones said.

"Yes."

"Oh, why didn't you tell me before you left
yesterday afternoon?"

Tracy looked at the teacher with one raised
eyebrow. She wondered how it was any of Mrs. Jones' business. She had not been
kept from her class.

"I didn't know I was supposed to," Tracy
said.

"Yes, you have to keep me in the loop. Did
you get your mother to sign the letter?"

"Yes."

She lied so easily these days.

"Well, give it to me and I'll take it when I
go over the office today."

Tracy paused and looked out the window behind Mrs.
Jones. She still hadn't shown her mother the slip because she did not want her
to know what had happened. It surprised her that the office actually contacted
her homebase teacher to follow up on the incident.

"I can just bring it on my way to Mr.
Shafer's room. I'm going past the office anyway."

"Okay, just don’t forget."

She took the hall pass from Mrs. Jones and walked
out of the room. Once she turned the corner she went inside the bathroom. The
note was still in her bag, unsigned with yesterday's date on it. Tracy only had
two more days to get it to the office and now she knew Mrs. Jones would be
checking. She took a deep breath and found a blue pen in her bookbag. Tracy
held the sheet over Chloe's English notebook and signed her mother's name the
way she had seen Janet do it a million times before. It did not look like
Janet's handwriting, but it was close enough.

The hallway was clear of any sentries all the way
down to the main office. Tracy pushed the office door open and waited for the
receptionist to come assist her. A student helper came over to the desk to
greet Tracy.

"How can I help you?" the young girl
asked.

"I have a note from my detention
yesterday—"

"In the basket."

The girl pointed at a small tray behind Tracy's head
that sat beside the staff mailboxes. There was a large sign on top of it that
said DETENTION.

"Thanks."

Tracy dropped the paper in the receptacle and
walked out the door. She had already wasted the first ten minutes of homebase.
It seemed pointless to go get help now, but she had already gotten the pass and
was halfway there. On the second floor, she was shocked there was not one
sentry in sight. Of course the guards were not watching when she actually had a
pass.

Mr. Shafer's homebase was empty, except for one
student who sat in the corner doing homework. The teacher was in the back
measuring powders into plastic cups. He didn't move when she first came in so
she took a step back and knocked on the door. Mr. Shafer looked startled when
he turned to see Tracy in the doorway with her chemistry book.

"I did the homework, but I still have a few
questions."

"Oh great! I love to see students excited
about chemistry!"

Tracy was not excited. She just did not want to
fail which, in her house, was anything below a
B
. Tracy found a seat in
the front row and opened her book up to the assignment she had been working on.
Mr. Shafer sat in the chair beside her and glanced over her shoulder at the
page. The expression on his face made him look like he was just as confused as
she was. She began to think he would not be much help.

"Which part don't you understand?"

"All of it."

He laughed for a minute, but straightened up when
he saw the blank stare on Tracy's face. Here she was failing for the first time
in her life and he thought it was hilarious.

"Well, how far did you get on the
homework?"

She pulled out the page and showed him her
results. He studied the sheet. She looked at the paper too trying to figure out
if what she had come up with meant anything to him.

"This isn't so bad. I can see where you mixed
some things up though."

He went over to the board and wrote out a few
examples, making her go through each problem and tearing apart her thought
process. The first bell rang before they could get through much, but Tracy felt
confident that she had learned much more than the previous day. She took her
things to the back and found her seat between Chloe and John.

"Did it help?" Chloe asked.

"Yeah."

"Good. Now you can help me," Chloe said.

"Chemistry is not hard. You should have asked
me for help," John said.

"Are you serious?" Tracy asked.

"Yeah. It's not that bad."

"What lunch period are you in?"

"Yours."

"Really? I never saw you in there."

"I've seen you."

Tracy wasn't sure if he was referring to the blow
up the previous day or not, but she thought it was best not to bring up the
subject considering her and Chloe had just put it behind them.

"Okay! Well, I'll be sitting with you today."

"Alright."

Although Tracy had missed English class the
previous day, there was not much to catch up on. She had missed a couple
chapters of the reading, but planned to go through it after school. Chloe had
highlighted the main points in her notebook. Tracy walked in the door confident
that the class would be a breeze, but what she was not expecting was a pop
quiz.

She immediately began to hate Sharon all over
again. If it weren't for her, she would have gotten Chloe's notebook the day
before and read the required chapters last night, but now she was behind. Tracy
hoped Chloe's highlights were enough to get her through the quiz, but she did
not remember most of them. When she turned the paper in half of it was blank.
She did not expect much mercy from her teacher.

"Sorry I didn't know," Chloe said.

"It's fine."

Tracy just wanted to go home, but she had been the
one that screwed it all up. She could not pout, scream, or show that any of it
bothered her because everyone was watching. It felt like she had been set up by
Mrs. Daniels. The woman was aware that Tracy had missed class the day before.
Why would she schedule a pop quiz? Maybe Mrs. Daniels wanted her to fail.

Her head wouldn't stop bouncing thoughts around
about the whole conspiracy which made it a challenge to hear any new
information. She knew she was falling further behind. Tracy needed a break to
calm down. She needed to get away from everyone and just start over.

After the class ended, Tracy and Chloe walked to
the cafeteria together, but Tracy left her friend to go find John. She walked
along the first line of tables until she saw him near the vending machine. She
must have walked right past him so many times, but today he was as obvious as
the red and blue logo on the wall.

"Hey!" she said.

"Hey."

Tracy sat across from him at the table that he
shared with three other people. One guy she knew from Earth Science the year
before, but the other two she had never seen. She smiled at them and waved.
They looked at her and then back at him before waving back.

"I can't believe you really came over
here," he said.

"I told you I was."

"Yeah, but I didn't think you actually would.
You normally hang out with the cheerleaders."

"I don't hang out with them."

"You go everywhere with them."

"Chloe is my friend. She is the cheerleader.
Not me."

"Yeah, but that is your crew."

"No it's not. I just sit with Chloe and she
brings them everywhere she goes, but I don't really know them like that."

He looked over at her usual table of girls and
then back at her.

"What?" she said.

"Nothing. I just assumed I guess."

"Some of them are nice, but we are just
different. I've known Chloe since middle school, but she met most of those girls
once she got here."

"I guess you don't really act like
them."

"I know. That's why I don't understand how
you could think that."

Tracy wondered how many other people had placed
her in that box. It made sense, but she was surprised anyone could mistake her
for being like any of the cheerleaders. Just one year before she was a loner
hanging out with two gay guys and a mute, but now she was seen as some kin to
the most popular girls in school. Most people would have been proud, but she
was disgusted being associated with those girls.

"Are you going to teach me or what?"

"I'll try. What do you need to know?"

She pulled out the chemistry textbook she had been
lugging around all day to show him her work where she ended with Mr. Shafer. He
had given her a one-day extension to catch up on the previous night's homework.
Now she had two assignments to do, plus two nights of reading for English.

It was loud in the cafeteria, but her classmate
was proving to be a great teacher. She worked through the problems with him in
half the time it took her to do them at home. She looked up a couple minutes
before the bell and knew they wouldn't have time to do the second set. Tracy
flipped the page in her notebook and pushed it over to John.

"Here, give me your number and I'll call you
tonight to finish the rest."

He wrote his phone number down for her to take
with her. The two of them packed up and walked to the main corridor together.

"I'm going this way. Make sure you answer
when I call you!" she screamed when they split in the hall. Tracy bumped
into MD when she tried walking away.

"Oops. I'm sorry," she said and left him
speechless in the corridor.

Tracy called John to work on the problems as soon
as she got home. It took her about an hour to get through all of it. By the
time she finished everything, it was time to eat dinner. Her mother had been
sleeping for hours. So she heat up the food that was cooked the night before
and sat in front of the television to watch prime time.

As she ran through the channels, the phone started
ringing. She went over to pick it up.

"Hi, Sean."

"Hey! What you doing?"

"Nothing."

"Why do you sound like that?"

"I'm exhausted. You wouldn't believe the week
I've been having."

"Oh yes, this is why I called. Spill
it!"

"I almost fought this girl in lunch
yesterday."

"What? I've been missing everything. What
happened?"

"So one of Chloe's friends got mad because I
elbowed her by accident. She jumped up from the table, so I jumped up too!"

Sean howled. "And then what?"

"It was so dumb. I guess she thought I was
just gonna sit there and let her say anything. She caught me on the wrong day
though."

"Oh my god! You've changed!"

"And I got detention."

"What the hell? You used to be so nice and
good. What is this school doing to you?"

The two of them laughed. It felt nice to be making
light of the situation. Everything had begun to feel so heavy, but Sean had a
way of swooping in and saving the day.

"So what's new with you?" she asked.

"Bryan left."

"Oh yes, he called and told me he was
moving."