Mixed Blessings (16 page)

"That's great," Diana said woodenly, as she kissed Sam, who whispered the ultimate dig, without even trying.

"I thought you'd beat me to it, but I guess not!" For the first time in her life, it made Diana want to slap her. She hated her as she listened to her laugh and brag, as everyone teased and congratulated and made a fuss over her. But the worst of it was that when all was said and done, in the end, Sam would have the baby, and not Diana.

She didn't say a word to Andy on the way home, and when they got back to their house, he finally exploded.

"Look dammit, it's not my fault, don't take it out on me!" He knew exactly what was bothering her, had known it from the moment Sam had made her announcement. And her eyes seemed to be full of silent accusations.

"How do you know it's not your fault? Maybe it is!" And then she regretted it the moment the words were out. She sat down on the couch with a look of despair, and he looked shattered.

"Look, I'm sorry . . . I don't know what I'm saying. They just upset me so much. They don't mean to, but they say all the wrong things, and Sam just blew me away when she said she was pregnant."

"I know, baby." He sat down next to her. "I know. We're doing everything we can." He knew she was going to see the doctor the next day. "They'll probably tell us that we're fine. Just relax." She had come to hate that word more than any other.

"Yeah . . . sure . . ." she said, and went to take a shower.

But all she could think of were her sisters. "I'm pregnant.".

"Maybe he has a low sperm count.". . . "I thought you'd be pregnant first, but I beat you to it.". . . I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. . . low sperm count. . . . She stood crying in the shower for half an hour, and after that, she went to bed without saying a word to Andy.

The next morning dawned brilliant and sunny. It was almost an affront far the weather to be so nice when she felt so lousy.

She had taken the day off from work. Lately her job had been getting to her, the pressure, the deadlines, the politics, the people. It had been fun before, but now even that seemed bitter without a baby. 

Even her one close friend at work had noticed that Diana had lost some of her sparkle. Eloise Stein was the food editor at the magazine, and she had finally dared to bring it up the week before, over a quick lunch at Eloise's desk, where they were tasting the results of some unusual French recipes Eloise had unearthed in Paris.

"Something bothering you these days?" Eloise had asked her pointedly.

She was intelligent, and beautiful, and very perceptive. She had gone to Yale, and then did graduate work at Harvard. She was originally from L.A and eventually she had come home to roost, as she put it.

She was twenty-eight, and she was living in a little apartment adjacent to her parents' house in Bel Air. But considering how much she had going for her, she was surprisingly unspoiled, a beautiful girl, and she had been a good friend to Diana since she'd come to the magazine a few months before, and she was fun to be with. Diana and Andy had tried to fix her up with Bill Bennington once, but she had terrified him, too capable, too grown-up, although he had put it down to too skiany and too tall. She looked like a model.

"No, I'm okay." Diana had brushed off her question, and complimented her on the goodies they were eating, among them rillettes, and a recipe for tripe that reminded Diana of her days in Paris. "It's hard to believe you ever eat,' Diana said, looking at her. She was thin, with big blue eyes, and long, straight blond hair.

"I was anorectic in college," Eloise explained. "Or at least I tried to be. I think basically I liked food too much to stick with anorexia for very long, and my grandmother in Florida kept sending me cookies."

Then she looked up at Diana again, not one to be put off, which was why she was doing so well at the magazine. "You didn't really answer my question."

"About what?" Diana looked vague, but she knew exactly what she was asking. And she liked this girl, but she wasn't sure she wanted to take anyone into her confidence about her problems. The only one who knew how distraught she was, was Andy.

"Something's bothering you. I don't mean to pry, but you're starting to get that look of people who walk into walls while assuring you they're fine."

"Is it that bad?" Diana looked horrified, and then suddenly laughed at the description.

"Not really, but I've noticed it. Should I mind my own business, or do you need a buddy?"

"Actually . . . no . . . I . . ." She had started to tell her that she was fine, and then suddenly found herself crying. All she could do was shake her head as the tears poured down her cheeks, and she sobbed uncontrollably, and the tall blond girl ran a gentle hand across her shoulders, and kept handing her paper towels to blow her nose in. It was a long time before Diana could stop crying. "I'm so sorry . . . I didn't mean to She looked up with a red nose, and red eyes that were still watering, but she felt better. It had been a relief to let her hair down. "I don't know what happened."

"Yes, you do, you needed that desperately." Eloise gave her a warm hug, and poured her a strong cup of coffee.

"I guess you're right." Diana took a deep breath and faced her. "I'm having problems . . . at home, I suppose one could say. Nothing terminal, just some things I need to adjust to."

"With your husband?" Eloise asked, looking sorry for her.

She liked Diana a lot, and she also liked Andy. She was sorry to hear they were having trouble. They had looked so happy the last time they'd all been out to dinner.

"No, I can't really blame this on him. I think it's more my fault. I've been putting a lot of pressure on him . . . we ve been trying to have a baby for over a year, and it just hasn't happened. And I know how stupid it must sound, but every month it's like a death in the family, a terrible disaster I have to  face again, and I just dread it. All month I hope that this time it worked, and when I find out it didn't again, it just breaks my heart. Isn't that stupid?" She started crying again, and blew her nose in another paper towel.

"It's not stupid," Eloise reassured her. "I've never wanted to have a child, but it's probably pretty normal. Also, for people like us, whore used to running things, and being in control, it's probably pretty lrightening when things don't go the way we want to. You know, that devil word control,' there's probably a little of that in the grief too: the total loss of power, over not being able to influence whether or not you have a baby."

"Maybe. But it's more than that . . . its hard to explain it's just this incredible emptiness . . . this terrible yearning. It just makes me want to die sometimes. I can't talk to anyone, not even Andy. I just die inside, and everything else freezes up until I'm in a shell. It's the loneliest feeling I know. I don't even know how to describe it."

"It sounds awiul," Eloise said sympathetically, and it explained periectly what she had seen at the office. Diana had begun to shut everyone out, and lock herself in, and there was almost no reaching her anymore. It would be no surprise if it were allecting her marriage.

"Have you seen a specialist?" She wanted to ask her if she'd seen a therapist, too, but she didn't dare, and she was touched that Diana had confided in her as much as she had. She felt honored.

"I'm seeing one next week actually. Someone named Alexander Johnston."

She didn't know why she even bothered to say the name, but since she was confiding in Eloise, it seemed reasonable to tell her about him, and Diana was surprised when she saw her smile, as she poured another cup of coffee.

"Have you heard the name?"

"A few times. He's my father's partner. My father's a reproductive endocrinologist. If things really get bad, they might push you off on him, or if you do I.V.F, in vitro fertilization, then Daddy might do it.

He doesn't take a lot of new patients anymore, except if they're referred by Alex, or one of his other partners. You're in good hands with Alex Johnston." Diana felt relieved, and she looked at her in amazement. It was a smaller world than she thought, even in that field. "Do you want me to say something to him, about knowing you?" Eloise asked cautiously, not sure how Diana would feel about it.

"I'd rather not. I think I'd rather just keep this business, but I'm glad to know that I picked the right office."

"The best. They'll work it out. The statistics are pretty impressive these days. I grew up on that stuff. I'm not sure I ever thought people just did it' and got pregnant. I think I always assumed that my father had to be there to help them." It was an intriguing idea, and Diana laughed at the image Eloise painted.

Eloise had finally asked her, while they were eating incredibly good apple tarts with crime fraiche, why she didn't take some time off to work it all out. It might be easier on her, and maybe even on Andy, but Diana said she didn't think she could, and in the end, she admitted that she didn't want to.

"I can't just walk out on work. Besides, what would I do with myself? Both my sisters did that, and they're at home now with their kids. But you know, I'm not sure I could just stay home, not now anyway. Maybe if I had a baby. Right now it gives me something to think about while I count the days, and wait to take my temperature every morning."

"I'm not sure I could stand all that. How do you do it?"

"I want a baby very badly. I suspect you do a lot of things, if you have to." From listening to her father talk about procedures he periormed, Eloise knew that even better than Diana.

Diana was tag of her as she drove to the Wilshire Carthay Building, wondering if she would catch a glimpse of Eloise's father. It still seemed amazing to her that by sheer chance she had made an appointment with her father's partner. And everyone she'd talked to said that Alex Johnston was very good, but as Diana rode up in the elevator, she was suddenly desperately nervous and very frightened.

The waiting room was quiet, but elegant, done all in cream and oatmeal colors, with expensive modern art on the walls, and a huge palm tree in the corner. Diana was told to take a seat, and a few minutes later she was ushered into the inner sanctum. There was a long hallway, with more art, and skylights high overhead, and at the end of the hall the nurse led her into a room that was panelled in bleached wood, with a beautiful rug on the floor, and a handsome sculpture of a woman and a child stood in the corner. And oddly enough, even seeing a piece of art depicting a mother and child caused her pain now.

She thanked the nurse and sat down, trying to stay calm and think of Andy. She was terrified of what they were going to do to her, or what they would find, but a moment later she was pleasantly surprised when she met the doctor. He was a tall, sandy-haired man, with long graceful hands and intelligent blue eyes, and in some ways, he reminded her of her father.

"Hello." He smiled at her warmly, and shook her hand. "I'm Alex Johnston. It's nice to see you." And he actually sounded as though he meant it. He chatted with her for a few minutes about what she did, and where she was from, and how long she'd been married, and then he pulled an empty chart closer to him on the desk and took out a pen as he glanced at Diana warmly. "Why don't we make a few notes here, and get down to business. What brings you here, Mrs. Douglas?"

"I . . . we . . . we ve been trying to get pregnant for a little over a year, thirteen months to be exact, and so far nothing's happened."

She admitted to him, too, that they had also been somewhat careless about birth control before their marriage, and she had never gotten pregnant then either.

"Have you ever been pregnant? Any live or still births? or abortions?"

"None," she said solemnly. Without even knowing him, she already had enormous respect for him, and complete faith that he was going to be able to solve their problem.

"Have you ever been careless' about birth control before this?" he asked, watching her closely.

"No. I've always been careful about birth control."

"What methods have you used?" The questions went on and on about her methods of birth control. He particularly wanted to know if she'd ever had an I.U.D, which she had while she was in college, or if she'd been on the pill, and for how long. He wanted to know about venereal diseases-which she'd never had-cysts, tumors, pains, hemorrhages, accidents, severe infections of any kind, surgeries, or any history of cancer, or family diseases like diabetes. He wanted to know everything about her. And at the end of her long recital of all the things she didn't have, he reassured her that a year was not a long time to achieve pregnancy, although understandably it might seem long to her and her husband. But there was no reason to panic. He even said that if she wanted to, at her age, he could comfortably recommend letting them try on their own for another six months, or even a year, before doing any serious investigation, although he said that he personally preferred doing tests after one year without conception.

"Why don't we check out a few things now, a few simple steps. I can do a preliminary examination, to make sure you don't have a minor infection that might be upsetting the balance." He smiled at her, and she agreed that she would rather proceed now, rather than wait any longer. She knew that she couldn't stand another six months of hope and heartbreak. She wanted to know why nothing was happening. She just couldn't believe there wasn't a simple explanation, and she'd rather find it out now than a year later, so they could fix it and get on with it, and she explained all that to Dr. Johnston.

"There's also the distinct possibility"he smiled at her"that there's nothing to fix at all, and you're perfectly healthy and you just need to be patient. Or, if there's any basis for concern, we can begin examining your husband." She and Andy had agreed that they would start with her, and then see what the doctor said about seeing Andy.

"I hope you don't find anything," she said quietly and he said he hoped so too, and mentioned vaguely that so far only the fact that she'd once had an I.U.D concerned him. He stood up then and directed her to a room across the hall, where she could change and he would perform his examination. Today would be very little more than a pelvic. He had just explained to her that the bulk of his tests would have to be in approximately two weeks, right around the time of ovulation. They would check her cervical mucus then to see if it was "inviting" enough to the sperm, or if it was hostile. And if it was hostile, there were further tests they would do, like a cross-match. But at the time of ovulation, they would do an ultrasound, to see how her follicle was maturing before ovulation, and a postcoital test, which was only a slide test to check her mucus, and Andy's sperm for motility and number.