Mixed Blessings (11 page)

"What if it's not enough one day? What if it's not the same?"

Friends and siblings were not the same as one's own children, or were they?

"Then it's my mistake. But I'm not complaining, for the moment." She was sixty-five years old, and going strong. She loved her work on the bench, and she had more friends than anyone Pilar knew. And whenever she could, she seemed to be flying somewhere to see someone, nieces, nephews, sisters, friends. She was a happy, fulfilled woman. And Pilar had felt that she was, too . . . until lately.

"What about you?" Marina turned to look at her, wondering why she seemed so confused and looked so unhappy. "What's eating you, Pilar? Why all these questions about having babies? Are you pregnant? Are you asking me what I think about an abortion?"

"No." Pilar shook her head miserably. "I think I'm asking you what you think about having a baby. And no, I'm not pregnant." She wasn't even sure she wanted to be. But suddenly, for the first time in her life, she had doubts about the path she had chosen.

"I think it would be fine, if that's what you want. What does Brad think?"

"I don't know. I think he'd probably tell me I'm nuts, and he might be right. I was always so sure I didn't want kids. Mostly, because I didn't want to be like my mother."

"You never could be. I hope you at least know that much by now.

You're two entirely different people."

"Thank God."

"Or maybe I should say that one of you is a person, and the other is a little strange." She could never understand the situations Pilar had described to her over the years. All she could do was agree with her young friend that her parents should never have had children. "Is that the only thing that stopped you? Your fear of being like them?"

"It was part of it, but not everything. I just never felt the need for all that. But I never felt the need to be married either, and now I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner."

"That kind of regret is a waste of time. Just enjoy it now, don't spoil it by looking back over your shoulder."

"I don't. But I just don't know what's happening to me . .

I feel as though I'm suddenly changing."

"That's not such a bad thing. It would be a lot worse if you were rigid and immovable. Maybe this is the best thing that could happen to you, Pilar. Maybe you should have a baby."

"But what if I didn't like it? What if I'm just jealous of Nancy, or some insane thing? What if my mother's right, and the baby had three heads, because I'm so old?" There were so many questions to which even Marina didn't have the answers.

"What if there's human life on Venus? You can't know everything, Pilar. All you can do is follow your heart and your mind, and do the best you can. And if you think you want a baby now, then give it some serious thought, and don't worry so damn much about the outcome. For heaven's sake, if everyone worried about it that much, no one would ever have any children."

"But what about you? If you're not unhappy not having children, maybe I wouldn't be either."

"That's ridiculous, and you know it. We're two different people. Our life experiences weren't for even one moment the same. My life has been filled with children for sixty years, you've had none except Brad's kids, and they were pretty big when you came along. Besides, you're married, and I never have been. And I'm perfectly content about that too. It leaves me free to enjoy a variety of people, in whatever way I choose, and that's a lifestyle that suits me. You're happy married to Brad, and maybe one day you would be sorry if you didn't have children."

Pilar sat silently for a long time, staring at the sand, and then she looked up at her friend again, comforted by her words, but she still hadn't found her answers. "Mina, what would you do if you were me?"

"I'd relax, for one thing. That would do you a world of good. And then I'd go home and talk all this out with Brad, but I wouldn't beat it to death. He's not going to have all the answers either. No one will, not even you. To some extent, one has to take a few chances in life. You have to protect yourself as much as you can, but you still have to jump off the diving board sooner or later. And hope you don't bellyflop into oblivion."

"You have a way with words, Your Honor."

"Thank you." The older woman grinned, and then she lookeddown at Pilar again. "And for what it's worth, if I were you, I'd go ahead and have a baby, and to hell with all that nonsense about being too old. I think that's what you really want to do, and you're too scared to let yourself say it."

"I think you may be right." She usually was. But Pilar had no idea what Brad would say if she told him she wanted a baby.

But for the first time in her life, she had an emptiness, an ache, which she had never known before, and it was beginning to make her seriously unhappy.

They walked slowly back to the car after that, and they said little on the way home. It was one of the nice things for Pilar about being with her. She didn't feel she had to make an enormous effort, and she valued what her friend had said. She just needed time to think about it.

"Take it easy, kid. You'll know what you want eventually.

Just listen to yourself. You'll know in your gut what you want.

You can't go wrong if you follow that."

"Thank you." She gave Marina a warm hug, and waved as she drove away.

It was incredible how she was always there for her. And as Pilar walked slowly into her house, she was smiling.

Brad was home when she got back, he was putting away his golf clubs, and he looked suntanned and relaxed and happy to see her.

"Where've you been? I thought Nancy was coming here today." He put an arm around Pilar and kissed her as they walked out to the terrace.

"She was. She came for lunch. I just went down to the beach for a walk with Marina after she left."

"Oh-oh," he said, booking at the wife he knew so well, "that means trouble."

"What do you mean by that?" She laughed, and he pulled her down on his lap, and she sat there happy for the first time in hours. She was crazy about him, and it was equally obvious that he adored her.

"You never go for walks on the beach unless something big is bugging you. The last time you did that you were trying to decide whether or not to take a new partner in, before that it was whether or not to resign from a case you thought involved fraud, and before that I think you were trying to decide whether or not to marry me. That was a good walk." She laughed, but she couldn't say he was wrong. He was right on all counts. "So what was today's walk all about? Did Nancy give you a hard time?" It would have surprised him, though, because all of that was years behind them, and the two women were good friends now.

"Or is something big happening at the office?" She had just won an important case in a civil suit in L.A and he was proud of her, but he also knew how stressful her job was, and how many difficult decisions she had to make on a daily basis. He liked to help her whenever he could, but sometimes even he couldn't help. She had to make her own decisions.

"No, nothing like that, everything's fine. And Nancy was adorable today." Adorable, and painful. She had opened a part of Pilar's heart that Pilar hadn't even known was there. She had suspected it once or twice in the past year, but she told herself they were just rumblings that didn't matter. Now she wasn t as sure, and she didn't know what to say to Brad. He would think she was crazy. But maybe Marina was right. She had to tell him. "I don't know . . . it's just women's stuff, I wanted to sort some things out, so I went down to the beach with Marina, and she made a lot of sense, as usual."

"What did she say?" he asked gently, still wanting to help her. He had a lot of respect for their friend, but Pilar was his wife, and he wanted to be there for her.

"I feel so silly," she said vaguely.

And as Brad glanced at her, he saw that there were tears in her eyes, which surprised him. He rarely saw her cry. She seldom lost control, but he suddenly realized she was deeply troubled.

"That looks like heavy stuff for a Saturday afternoon. Should I go back to the beach with you?" He almost meant it.

"Maybe." She smiled, and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye as he pulled her closer to him.

"What's bothering you, sweetheart? I wish you would tell me. He knew it had to be important, if she'd called Marina.

"You won't believe me if I do. It makes me sound so stupid."

"Try me. I hear a lot of crazy things every day, I'm used to it, and I've got big shoulders."

She nestled against him, her long legs stretched over his, her face next to his as she spoke softly. "I don't know . . . I guess seeing Nancy today touched on a nerve I didn't even know I had . . . something I've thought about once or twice in the last year . . . something I've really never thought about before, or cared about, or even knew I needed. But Nancy asked me if I thought I'd ever regret not having children." Pilar started to cry as she said the words, and her husband looked at her in amazement. She had taken him by surprise and he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "I was always so sure I never wanted kids. But I'm not so sure anymore. All of a sudden I find myself thinking about it. What if she's right, and someday I am sorry? What if it's the heartbreak of my life in my old age? What if" he could hardly bear to say it, but she knew she had to now-"what if something happens to you, and I never have your baby?" She was crying as she said the words and all he could do was shake his head. She had stunned him. He had been ready for anything but that. Pilar was the last person he would ever have expected to want a baby.

"Are you serious? Are you really worried about these things?" He couldn't believe it.

"I think I am. That's the awful part. What if I suddenly decide I want children?" She looked panic-stricken, and he had to force himself not to smile.

"You may have to call the fire department if you do, to revive' me. Pilar, are you really serious about this? Are you thinking about having children now?" After all these years? He hadn't even thought about having babies in more than twenty years, and she had always been so clear about what she wanted.

"Do you think I'm way too old?" she asked, looking glum, but he laughed.

"You're not. But I certainly am. I'm sixty-two, I'll be a grandfather in a few weeks time. Think how ridiculous I'd look." The whole idea just amazed him.

"No, you wouldn't. Lots of men your age have second families these days, some of them are a lot older than you are."

"I'm getting older by the minute," he said, but looking at her, he could see that she was going through some kind of major crisis.

"Pilar, how long have you been thinking about this?"

"I'm not sure," she said honestly. "I think maybe it crossed my mind for the first time after we got married. I decided it was some kind of aberration, and then those people came to see me, about the surrogate's child. I kept thinking how strange they were, how desperate they were to have a baby they didn't even know, but the damndest thing was that a part of me understood them. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old, and a little peculiar. I think it shook me up when Nancy got pregnant. She always seemed like such a kid, and now she seems so content and self-contained. It's as though she's finally found the real meaning in her life. And what if I've missed the point for all these years? What if being a good lawyer and a decent person and a good wife and stepmother isn't enough? What if it's all about having your own children?"

"Oh dear." He sighed long and hard. She was in a real state, and he couldn't tell her she was wrong. But it was late in the day for them to be thinking about having children. "I wish you'd thought of all this a little sooner."

She looked at him seriously then, and her heart was in her eyes as she asked the question, "If I decide I can't live without my own child, would you be willihg to have one?" It cost her everything she had in her soul to ask him that, but she needed to know. She needed to know where he stood, and if it was even an option. And if he said no, she knew she'd have to live with it. She loved him more than any child, but still she was beginning to think that she might want his baby.

"I don't know," he said honestly. "I haven't thought about that in a long time. I'd have to think about it." She smiled at him, relieved that he hadn't said no. There was a chance, and they both needed to do a lot of thinking, about the responsibility, the burden of it, the changes it would make in their lives.

But Pilar was almost beginning to think that all of that would be worth it.

"You'd better do your thinking quickly." She grinned, and he looked rueful as he held her.

"Why?"

"I'm getting older by the minute."

"You . . . monster!" he said, kissing her full on the lips, and then longingly, with great tenderness, as they both became aroused, sitting in the sunshine of their terrace. "I knew something dreadful could happen if I forced you to marry me," he growled at her and she laughed at him. "I just wish I'd known all this thirteen years ago. I'd have forced you to marry me then and you could have had at least a dozen children."

"Let's see," she sat up on his lap, looking at him pensively, "if we start now . . . I'm forty-three . . . maybe we could still squeeze in six or seven. .

"Never mind that . . . it Il be a miracle if I survive one . but I want you to understand, I haven't agreed to it yet, I want to think about it."

She pretended to look mollified as she stood up and took him by the hand. "I have a great idea for something you can do while you think about it, Brad . . . come on......." He laughed as she led him slowly toward their bedroom. But he was easy prey for her, he always was, just as she was for him.

And her heart felt lighter as he kissed her and followed her into their bedroom.

Diana sat up on the table after the doctor had examined her. She had gone to her gynecologist for a Pap smear and her yearly check-up.

"Everything looks fine to me," he said with a pleasant smile.

He was a youngish man, and her brother-in-law had recommended him to her two years before because it would have been too awkward going to see him. But Jack thought that Arthur Jones was an excellent physician.