Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (10 page)

Here is a list of the more prominent traits of successful
leaders. Successful leaders...

• Observe with application (they act on their observations).

• Take copious notes.

• Know how to listen well; know how to distinguish
between background "chatter" and important issues;
know how to ask clear, courteous and incisive questions.

• Welcome ideas.

• Value time highly.

• Set goals as a matter of routine.

• Try to understand a situation before commenting on it;
they don't jump to conclusions.

• Always anticipate achievement.

• Know how to organize their approach to challenges;
[This list to this point is attributed variously to Whitt N.
Schultz and to H. Gordon Selfridge, and I've added
some commentary].

• Have a five-year plan for success.

• Realize that they, not others, ultimately control their
own success.

• Brainstorm alternatives to tough decisions (use consensus management techniques - for more information Google "consensus management").

• Celebrate their achievements; shrug off their setbacks.

• Develop and use a support network.

0 Always stand for integrity.

• Remind themselves that every day is a new opportunity.

• Keep themselves in top physical condition.

• Always remain open to learning new ideas [The lower
part of the list is adapted from Bob Adams, Streetwise
Business Tips. Adams Media Corp.].

Applying this last section to your M/s lifestyle, you might consider
taking each of these bullet points and opening it up. Tease out
the implications of each bullet for your personal situation. For
example, take the bullet that reads: "Always anticipate achievement." What can this mean in your world? How well do you support your slave, emotionally? Are you always catching him/her
doing something right? Do you bring home occasional treats/
gifts of love? Do you know your slave's favorite things - and
do you make sure his/her favorites make it into your life, too? I
know, sounds like a marriage. It's far more than that, of course
- spousal support is only the support base for a highly evolved
structured relationship.

The fact that you own a slave does not excuse you from reinforcing in your slave extreme feelings of love and warmth toward you
as Master and an appreciation for how lucky your slave is that
you accepted him/her. Often, my slave will ask me what I want
for the evening. My unswerving answer is: "What I want is that
tomorrow morning you open your eyes in bed and you say to
me: `Wow! What a fabulous night we had last night, thank you
so much."

Chapter Summary

Okay, we've been grappling with some of the core elements of
a relationship. I asked you to consider why this person wants to
be a slave - in general - and YOUR slave, in particular. I spent
some time discussing how ego and insecurity, love and emotions
enter into relationships. Next, I challenged you to examine some possible negative features of your own personality and behavior,
then moved on to describe some attributes you might want to
consider when choosing a mate. From there, I asked you what
role you intended to play within your M/s dynamic, what activities
you were considering, and by what authority system you felt you
were a Master. This part of the book ended with a discussion of
ways you could possibly solidify or re-create yourself as a business leader - a business leader who owns a very valuable asset:
a slave.

It is a widely-held dream among Leatherfolk and one that
manifests itself in many ways both in fantasy and in reality. It is our subculture's expression of love and support, a
beautiful variant on the ideal biological family combined with
flavors of hippy communal living, an Arabian Nights harem, a
pirate ship, and grandma's house all rolled into one.

Jack Rinella,
Leatherviews Issue number 40 (September 21, 2006)

The Leather Household is one of the distinguishing characteristics
of the Leather Lifestyle. It also distinguishes a Leather Master/
slave relationship from a Not-Leather M/s relationship. That is
- the Leather Family lives and acts in the context of the customs
and traditions of their own Leather Household. That Household
(or House) is known by its characteristics. These characteristics
fall into certain general categories:

• Household creed and protocols

• Expectations governing family behavior

• Expectations about responsibilities and duties inside
and outside the House

• Beliefs - not only about the spiritual side of life, but
also about people

• Agreements and time commitments

Household Credo and Related Protocols

I'll start this section by pointing out that when it comes to establishing your Leather Household, you - as Master - are going to
have to grapple with how you intend to translate your own vision
of yourself into actions and protocols that express who you are
to the outside world. That is, you are going to need to translate
your core values to visible actions through protocols.

Sit back for a moment. Contemplate: If you were King, how
would you order your private life?

• How would your staff address you?

• How would your staff take care of you?

• When guests come for dinner, how would you want
them to be greeted?

• How would you want guests to be served?

• When you go out in public, who opens doors for you?

• How do you work this out in a multi-slave household?

• When standing around at the mall in a store, how is
your slave to be standing?

• Is your slave free to speak to you, or does he/she need
to ask permission to speak?

The answers to these, and many more related questions, form
the basis of your own protocol manual. In my personal opinion, House Protocols constantly reinforce the uniqueness of the
structured M/s Lifestyle. I feel that this area of the M/s dynamic
is so important that it became the subject the companion book to
this one: Protocol Theory slave: and Leather the for Handbook
Practice. To give you a feeling for this topic, I've included a few
of my own House Protocols. Bear in mind, every M/s relationship
is different; every Master values things slightly differently - you
have to work out your own Protocols.

• I am to be addressed as "Master" whenever possible,
and as, "Sir" when "Master" would be inappropriate.

• When going out in public - even to the mall - we will always slightly overdress. The slave is to assume the
most formal walking and standing protocols possible,
without drawing attention to herself (translation: the
slave at rest may stand with hands clasped behind her
back and resting on her buttocks, rather than locked in
the small of her back).

• My slave walks slightly behind my right shoulder and
opens all doors for me. In restaurants, I walk to Table
ahead of the slave. The slave may not speak to or
respond to the wait staff, even if a waiter addresses
her and asks her preference in drink or food.

• For meals at home, the slave serves me at Table, then
plates her own food and brings it to Table. The slave
does not eat until certain ceremonies have been completed.

• The slave will answer the telephone using a prescribed, formal protocol.

House credos can be vastly different. Just think how their internal House Protocols would flow from these statements.

• Sir Stephen, International Master 2005, heads a
Victorian Household. His protocols, with slave catherine, have been largely recreated out of literature of
the Victorian era. Their Household Credo states, in
part: "We believe that the Household of Sir Stephen
has a responsibility to itself and its members to fulfill
those needs for which we have come together. To find
the fulfillment we seek in giving and receiving superior
service. Further, and as important, we have a responsibility to the larger Master/slave community to act in
harmony with other Households and to strive, always,
to promote greater harmony within that community."
(Taken from their website: www.restraining-order.com)

• Master Alex Keppeler, head of Household Keppeler,
writes of his spiritually-based Household: "We believe
that our life in leather is a journey of self-knowledge
and self-discovery in which one hopes to discover how
he relates to The Other, to himself, to others in the
Household and to the outside world. We are not isolated in our vision, but seek to draw on historical sources
of the leather tradition and the communal aspects of
the Rule of St. Benedict, and on the resources of others who are treading a similar path." (Taken from his
website: www.householdk.org)

Again, an M/s relationship is special. It is structured. Some
actions are prescribed (required); other actions are proscribed
(forbidden).

Expectations Governing Family Behavior

The "feel" of your House is set by your key values. Your values
are made real through your choice of protocols. Your protocols
are an expression of your expectations.

As Master, you are expected clearly to specify your expectations
about your slave's behavior, both in public and in private. There
are many ways of approaching this - here are a few ideas that I
use in my Family:

• I expect my slave to live and to serve me in the spirit
of sprezzatura - the Italian word meaning effortless
technique. The slave will view this concept as the
byword, the key concept, underlying all actions. In my
Household, everything is to look effortless; meals are
to come together on time and perfectly.

• I expect my slave to support our intention that every
day is magical and special. In this light, my slave is
to maintain the house to the point that it is always tidy,
and that flowers are fresh and nicely arranged.

• I expect my slave to be committed to the road less
traveled - to support our quest to gain unusual skills
and experiences.

• I expect those associated with this Family to complete
any task they begin, and to complete it with excellence.

• I expect those associated with us not to repeat thirdhand tales/stories about another person - we recognize that everyone has plenty to work on themselves.
Related, I expect those associated with us to behave
(and to serve) with grace and elegance in all circumstances.

Once you have identified some of the larger themes by which
you wish your House to be known, and once you have spelled
out your expectations of your Family members, you're ready to
take on another large topic: team building. If you think about it
for a minute, you probably want your Family to be viewed as a
"team" in the business sense of the word. Many of the rules and
guidelines for building strong teams apply equally to building a
strong Family. In summary, they are:

• Be loyal to those not present. Family members will
not discuss Family issues with Others. No personal
information about Family members will be shared with
Others. Parenthetically, if the slave hears someone
speaking ill of another, my preference is that the slave
urge that person to discuss it directly and constructively with whomever is involved - but not to continue
the discussion.

• Don't complain to Others. If any Family member has
a concern or complaint about the way the Family is
functioning, we will discuss these concerns entirely
within the Family - not to friends or Others. Concerns
and complaints will receive a better reception if they
are presented as facts/issues devoid of emotion and spin. That is, there is an "issue" and there is the "story
about the issue." I'm not interested in the story, for it
is usually based on personal interpretation.

• Do more than your fair share. I recognize that much
is required of my slave. But, that's the nature of the
deal. While I'm working very hard to create a magical
world filled with intellectual and emotional stimulation,
I need my slave to be searching relentlessly for ways
of smoothing the way before me.

• Be dependable. Be where you are expected to be at
the time you said you would be there; be prepared to
do the job-at-hand.

• Anticipate what I am going to do next. Good Family
members rarely need to tell one another what to do
next, because the partner is already doing it.

• Be flexible. I tend to act quickly once I understand a
situation. My slave must be prepared to follow quickly,
and without slowing me down. My slave must learn
to recognize when I am in problem-solving mode, and
learn to interject refining questions at that time - not
after I've made a decision.

Expectations About Responsibilities and Duties
Inside and Outside the House

What expectations do you hold yourself to? What expectations
do you have of your slave? For example, do you wish to give
back to your Leather Community? If so, in what way? I know
one Family who goes out of its way to make new submissives
feel welcomed and safe. They've set up a "buddy" system, a
safe-call system, and monthly introductory-level workshops. I
know another Family that advocates for sexual freedom and tolerance between the Vanilla world and the world of BDSM/kink.