Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice (14 page)

So, let's say that NO red flags have surfaced. As the Master, you
are ready to start negotiating the terms and conditions of your
relationship. That means a contract. There are mixed feelings
about contracts, so let me take a minute and share my thoughts.

Negotiations

The next few pages are about negotiating about the ownership
and use of your slave's body.

Heady stuff.

For starters, if you've not done a fair amount of negotiation in
your life, you'll want to read these sections more than once.
Also, if you're negotiating with an intended slave who has not negotiated a number of prior contracts, moral/ethical honor binds
you to recommend to your intended that he/she seek an experienced Master to represent him/her in negotiations with YOU.

Opening Notes

In real-life business negotiations, it is a truism that the real guts
of the negotiation occur just as the clock is running out. That is,
if you allow an hour for a negotiation, most of the serious issues
get negotiated in the last five minutes. If you allow a day, they
get negotiated in the last five minutes. If you allow a week, they
get negotiated in the last five minutes.

Also, you will be able to conclude a much more successful
negotiation if you understand your slave's needs/wants through
his/her eyes. The better you understand what the other person
needs vs. wants, the cleaner and clearer the negotiation. That
said, I'll now start in on this section.

Much is said about negotiations. Negotiations live in the world of
D/s (for scening) and M/s (for the first few years of the relationship, at any rate). On a strictly logical level, it's hard to imagine
a slave negotiating for any "rights," but that discussion should be
saved for the advanced class.

My own experience is that slaveless Masters often jump right in
to "negotiations" with slave candidates before taking the time to
learn about the PERSON who is petitioning to be the slave. I certainly endorse the use of short-term contracts that provide some
minimal guidance for both parties while the two people endeavor
to learn about one another. NOTE: I caution you against drafting an initial training contract that exposes your intended
slave to the full brunt of your idiosyncrasies and protocols.

• Consider putting yourself and your intended slave
through a series of personality and skill-battery tests.
At a minimum, an online IQ test and a Meyers-Briggs test; ideally, find some tests that will demonstrate both
your preferred working styles and your mutual skills.

• Consider taking courses/workshops that promote a
common set of problem solving skills - Landmark
Education comes to mind.

About Negotiating

• We negotiate all the time.

• Almost everything is negotiable.

• Avoid early positions.

• First, create value. Why should someone want ygu or
what you are offering?

• The first option isn't necessarily the best. Create many
options.

• Deadlines can be tricky when you're negotiating matters of the heart. However, in business negotiations,
the general rule is to negotiate early, or to use deadlines to achieve success.

• Again, I offer this next tip in the context that "no" means
"no" when dealing with sexual issues. However, you
may sometimes treat "no" as "not yet" if you're negotiating a service issue. Often "no" simply indicates that
you haven't explained the benefits in terms that appeal
to your listener.

• While the textbook on tough negotiations instructs you
to give concessions only when you get something in
return, you might consider introducing humorous concessions when you negotiate your M/s contract. That
is, if Master wants the floors scrubbed each Saturday
morning, the concession could be that Master takes
his slave out to dinner each Saturday night.

• Use: "What if..." to break open the discussion to create
value.

• You must leave the other person with a sense of satisfaction. This is the "win/win" school of negotiation, not
the "winner takes all" school.

• Do your homework. Determine your partner's "belowthe-surface" needs. Determine why your intended
slave is seeking certain specific terms or conditions.

• Take the other person INTO THE FUTURE to see possible results of various positions.

Problems with Negotiations - YOU as the Buyer

Some negotiations go better than others, yes? Sometimes you
come away feeling really good about the outcome, but sometimes you feel that the other person got more than you did. Here
are some reasons.

Disparity of power:

• You may be exhibiting - or you may be negotiating
with someone exhibiting - Alpha male characteristics
- pushy and assertive/aggressive. Apart from having
to decide if you want this kind of personality in your life,
you may find it nearly impossible to be heard. That's a
problem.

• Your opposite (either the Master looking for the slave
or the slave looking for the Master) may need to sell
themselves to you more than you need to add them to
your life.

Disparity of information:

• Your opposite may have done much more research on
you than you did on him/her.

• Your opposite may be much more experienced in M/s
relations than you, and may assume that you know/
understand things that never even occurred to you.

• The other person may specifically be hiding things from
you.

• Your opposite may know that he/she has another
candidate in the wings if you don't work out. In the
alternative, they may knowYOU have another candidate
waiting, if they don't work out.

Disparity of experience:

• You may have this kind of interview/negotiation all the
time; your opposite may do it only once or twice a year.
This is particularly true of Doms/Dommes who may
be (culturally) more used to being the negotiators in
relationships, and also of Doms/Dommes who may be
more used to interviewing or negotiating with subs for
BDSM scenes or for relationship positions.

• Your slave candidate may not be used to thinking like a
salesman, yet the success of this negotiation depends
upon each of your selling points.

Disparity of pressure:

• Is your opposite a "high-value slave?" That is, if you
don't compromise and agree to his/her terms, is there
another person waiting to accept those terms?

• Are you rushing in to replace a relationship that just
ended? Are you under social or personal pressure to
demonstrate that you're OK and the proof is that you
can immediately form another relationship?

WHAT do You Negotiate?

Remember: this is a book about Master/slave relationships,
not Owner/slave relationships. In that light, it is still relevant to
discuss negotiating the relationship. Also, bear in mind that I'm
assuming that you are going to start out with a training contract,
and not a full-blown M/s contract - for that is hugely different.
This is the getting-to-know-you stage, not the okay, here we go
stage.

In a general way, I suggest you, as Master, negotiate the indicators of success for the next three months. Note: the points I'll mention here live outside the "boilerplate" language of a contract.
I'll assume that your slave candidate will agree to serve you with
humility and to please you in a variety of ways, and so forth.
These comments go beyond those statements/actions:

• If you're going to require the slave to be studying, how
much time does that involve per day or week?

• If the slave is going to be journaling, what is the content of the entries and how long must they be? (NOTE:
I failed to negotiate this with my slave, and, as a result,
she thought that sending me summaries of her day
fulfilled her journaling obligations. I was looking for
introspection and didn't care very much about what
she did at work during the day. As a result, we were
both disappointed about the journaling experience:
she was hurt that I didn't respond to her writing; I was
disappointed that I wasn't getting any "meat" out of the
exercise.)

• If you are going to allow your slave to retain certain
rights, be crystal clear about that.

• During this trial period, you may want total and solitary sexual access to your slave. But, there are many
combinations out there. I know of a case where the
slave is owned by someone who wanted to take her
to swinging parties - and that had to be negotiated up
front. I know another case where a woman had her
own vanilla lover of many years before becoming a
slave to another man.

• Staying on the sexual front for a minute, will you, as
Master, require the slave to stop all self-pleasuring
during this period? And what if Master considers "selfpleasuring" to include eating chocolate? Again, be
specific.

• How much full responsibility are you agreeing to take
on during this opening period? What if...

o The slave is fired from work five weeks into the
relationship and can't make his/her rent payment?
Do you take over?

o The slave is out running an errand for you and is
injured in a car accident; what is your moral/ethical
position? What if it's YOUR car?

o You are playing with your slave and you hit a land
mine that triggers a psychotic episode in your
slave; he/she requires long-term therapy. What's
your moral/ethical position in this case?

• If you wish your slave to dress in a certain way, who's
paying for the outfits during the trial period? Will you
pay for the first $500 of outfits? The first $200 or
$1,500? (You may think I'm pulling this stuff out of thin
air - I'm not. My fetish involves dressing elaborately
for full fetish formal dinners. We do this many times a
week. For me, a slave's appeal is affected by how she
looks when all dressed up. Dressing this way extends
to manicures, pedicures, and shoe choice, as well as
hair and makeup combinations.)

• What if you are an experienced player, but your
slave is fairly new to the Lifestyle: are you still going
to negotiate playing by RACK standards (Risk Aware
Consensual Kink - a more advanced form of play),
or are you going to go back to SSC standards (Safe,
Sane and Consensual)? Does your slave understand
the differences? (If you are not familiar with the crucial
differences between these sets of rules for BDSM play,
please seek out an experienced kinkster and go out for
a cup of coffee to discuss it.)

• If you are requiring a full disclosure contract, does
your slave candidate fully understand exactly what you
mean by that phrase? You may want to explain clearly
that this will mean that you can rightfully demand to
know from your slave anything that another person says to him/her "in confidence." Further, you should
explain that your slave will be bound to volunteer that
information to you if, in his/her heart-of-hearts, the
slave knows that Master would like to know about it.
Jay Wiseman points out that this creates a seperate
duty on the slaves part to tell someone in advance that
nothing said to this slave can be held "in confidence."

Too much work? Think you can bypass some of this minutiae?
Maybe, maybe not. Did you ever consider what could happen
if you don't go through a thorough negotiation process? Let me
help you with a real answer that concurrently provides some
comic relief. Seen this one, lately? It's called The Etiology of a
Crisis. I've added the M/s storyline.

• Wild Enthusiasm: (Ohmygosh, I finally found someone willing to be my slave!!)

• Disillusionment: (Ohmygosh, this person is not such
a good fit; how could I have done this???)

• Total Confusion: (Ohmygosh, I actually signed a
three-month training contract with this person, and my
word is my bond, and he/she's making me crazy.)

• Search for the Guilty: (This must be her fault. She
must have hidden faults from me - everyone knows
I'm an excellent judge of people.)

• Punishment of the Innocent: (Okay, I'll terminate our
contract on the grounds that she won't obey me and
then make up some reason why I can excuse myself
for treating her as my enemy within the Community.)

• Promotion of the Uninvolved: (I'll go over here and
take "X" as my new slave. This will show everyone
who is watching that there's nothing wrong with ME.)

Okay, quick recap. You're now starting a new relationship.
You've decided that this potential slave is OK - no skeletons hid ing in the closet. You negotiated your way through a contract and
signed it, and now, you're in a structured M/s Relationship.

Good work. But, let me talk only to Master for a few pages.

How do You Empower Your Family?

Leadership is intangible, hard to measure, and difficult to describe. Its quality would stem from many factors. Self-confidence based on expert knowledge, initiative, loyalty, pride,
and a sense of responsibility. They are not easily learned.
But leaders can be and are made.

General C.B. Cates, 19th Commandant of the USMC