Maldeamores (Lovesick) (Heightsbound #0.5) (2 page)

Chapter 3

I
t’s summer and we are ten and eleven. Too old to play on the playgrounds but we do anyway. Luciano always picks me for his team. He picks me first, even before the boys who are probably better at the game.

“Belén,” he says, and he smiles at me. He doesn’t care what the other kids think, he only cares that we stick together and they can say whatever nasty thing to his face. I know Titi tells him to look out for me whenever we leave. Mami tells Luciano that I am his little sister in God’s eyes and that he should take care of me. But that’s not why he does it. Luciano and I are the same. We’re different from everybody else, but me and him are the same.

We play for hours, but then stop when the sun starts to wane. Lots of the kids’ parents come and find them, stomping and pissed off because they didn’t show up for dinner. Luciano is sweaty and he takes off his T-shirt. He wears a rosary that his daddy gave him. I know that it’s special to him. I know that he wishes he had a dad who could live with him and Titi and play baseball with him on the playground.

I leave his group to go stand with the girls. Yaritza from school is there, showing off her new ear piercing; she now has two in one earlobe. The other girls I’ve seen before but I don’t know their names.

“This is Belén,” Yari says and I say, “Hi,” very quietly.

“Your brother is hot,” says the taller girl, and her pink tongue darts out to lick her lips. She has braces and a little bit of a mustache and a gold crucifix on a thin chain hanging around her neck.

“Cousin,” I say, nodding my head. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to agree or disagree so I look to Yari for help.

“He is so cute, Belén. You’re lucky you get to have sleepovers.”

I feel my face flush red and heat pours through my body. Luciano is beautiful, but not in the way they’re talking about. I know about boyfriends because Titi and Mami have had plenty. I don’t like what boyfriends do, which is forget to call when they’re supposed to, make you cry all the time, and show up really drunk on weekend nights and take up the bathroom Sunday mornings because they have to puke in the toilet.

Luciano is nice and he always lets me go first; he shares his fries and even his sundae from McDonald’s. He waits for me after school and he holds my hand in the winter when it’s icy to keep me from slipping. His laugh is like a birthday party where the music is turned all the way up and all the balloons are popping.

I’m staring at him now, thinking about how much I love him. He kicks a soccer ball back to some kids who lost it. Then he looks up and sees me staring and he winks at me. Luciano and I have a secret. We are best friends and we don’t care what anyone thinks.

“Did you ever kiss him?” the tall girl asks as she pops a huge bubble with her blue gum. She snaps it back into her mouth and I wonder how she does it without getting it stuck all over her braces. Her lips look swollen. I wonder if anyone has ever kissed her.

Yari nudges me in the shoulder and whispers, “Answer Mina’s question!”

“What?” I say, coming out of my daze. “Luciano is my cousin. It’s not like that.”

“She’s never kissed
anybody
,” Yari says, rolling her eyes. I press down on her foot as hard as I can with my own.

“Youch!” Yari says and stomps back on my mine. I’m just about to let her have it for leaking my secrets when we get sprayed with an ice-cold burst of water and everyone starts screaming. Luciano has his hand across the spout of the sprinkler and he’s aiming the water right at us and laughing. The girls all squeal and scatter and the boys start to chase them. The water arches and fans into the air. Luciano’s aim is good, but the water stops just short of me. I reach my hands forward a little and let my fingertips graze it. The wall of water makes rainbows over the blacktop and I can see Luciano’s smile, looking slightly distorted through the lens of the water. His smile falls away and he takes his hand off of the sprinkler.

“What’s wrong, Belén?” he shouts, taking wide steps toward me. I quickly wipe the tears from my face and smile weakly as he approaches. He’s out of breath and he leans down to put his hands above his knees.

“Come on, let’s get out of here,” he says, jerking his head in the direction of home.

He takes my hand and leads me out of the park and onto the sidewalk. He doesn’t say goodbye to any of his friends because Luciano doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him.

“Did they say something to you? Someone hurt your feelings?”

I look up at my cousin and the tears are falling again but I’m too scared to tell him that they thought he was my boyfriend. And I’m too sad to tell him that I don’t have and I haven’t ever had one, and that maybe I want one.

“I’m scared of growing up,” is all I can manage.

He throws his arm around my shoulder and gives me a silly side-hug.

“Belén, you’ll be the best grown-up there ever was. I don’t doubt it at all!”

I smile and nod, wiping away the tears with the back of my hand.

“I think you’ll be better, Luciano,” I say, and I really do mean it. Things come to him easily and he already seems way more grown up than me.

“Well, I’ll always be here when you need me, Cuz,” he says as he pokes me in the ribs.

“Promise?” I ask and sort of dread his answer.

Luciano stops dead on Fort Washington and puts his hands in his pockets. He faces me and grins, but he’s not really making fun of me.

“Belén, I promise you on the grave of Abuelito and on Mami’s bible, that I will never leave you alone, for as long as I live. I’ll always be hanging around bugging you.” He tugs on my ponytail and pulls me into a hug.

“They thought you were my brother and when I said we were cousins they asked me if I’d ever kissed you,” I speed out, then hold my breath for his answer.

Luciano puts his chin on the top of my head and grinds it in softly.

“Stupid girls,” he says, taking my hand and swinging it between us. I’m red in the face from admitting what they said; embarrassed both to have been questioned about kissing him and to have never been kissed. The sun is beating down on us as it takes its final bow over the Hudson. There’s an exodus of picnickers on their way back from the park.
Bachata
and
merengue
blast onto the street, from indoor stereos as well as parked cars with all the windows and doors open. Luciano says “Hi” or “
Buenas
” to the people our family knows. I smile and nod and feel grown up from the conversation we just had.

Chapter 4

W
e’re not in the same school because Luciano is a year older and we live in different neighborhoods. I’m still in my Catholic school and he goes to a public one. I see him on the weekends and he acts different. His voice has grown deeper and he now has some whiskers. He and Titi are always fighting and it seems like there’s a lot of tension.

He kisses Mami and me hello while he’s in the middle of crunching a bowl of cold cereal.

“Be good to your mami,” my mama says as she kisses and then pats his cheek.

“Tell her to lose the asshole who doesn’t pay any rent and who’s here all the time. I hate this fucking apartment!”

“Luciano!” Mami says, surprised at his manners.

“Ask her why she loves him so much if he’s always makin’ her cry!” Luciano yells loud enough for Titi to hear in the back bedroom. “I’m going to the park,” he says as he slurps the milk from the bowl and then tosses it in the sink. “Wanna come, Bey?” he asks, and I shake my head. “What? Come on, you siding with them? We all know he’s a fucking snake. Why we gotta pretend?”

“I’ll stay here. Maybe I’ll come out later.”

“Is Yari around? Think she’d come over here? Why don’t you call her?”

I know my mouth kind of hangs open when he asks so I slam it shut again. Yaritza is my best friend and I love her, but she’s gotten so out of control lately that Mami won’t let me hang out with her. She’s sleeping around and she’s just thirteen like me. Mami says it’s because her daddy was never around, but neither was mine and I’m never letting any boys touch me.

“I could call her for you. Where are you gonna be?”

“I knew I could count on you,” he says and he leans in to kiss my forehead. “I’ll be at Highbridge Park. Come out later if you want.”

Mami goes into Titi’s room and I plop myself down on the couch and turn on the TV. I grab Titi’s phone to call Yari and I cry when I do it. It hurts me so much to think of Luciano kissing her or touching her. Even just thinking of him wanting to do it makes a sob come out from hiding in my chest. I fold my body in and wrap my arms around my knees. I wish that I were sexy and brave like my friend. But I’m not. I’m shy even though I have good grades and a nice smile and “good hair” like Mami says. My big secret now isn’t that Luciano is my best friend. My secret is that most of the time I’m scared of the future and I feel really lonely.

Mami finally talks Titi into moving across town because there’s an opening in our building. She wants me and Luciano in the same school and she says that we’ll do better if we’re all closer as a family. Funny, though, no one invites Hemi and her kids to come live nearby. Titi and Mami are happy to see her at holidays or at parties away from the house. My cousin Raymond got suspended from school and now our moms don’t even want Luciano and I to ever hang around him.

Luciano goes by Luc now and he’s mad about the move. I help bring boxes in and he swears a lot and kicks the floorboard against the wall. The apartment needs paint, maybe some plastering too. He looks older now even though he still wears the same clothes: torn jeans sagging just enough so I can see the waistband of his boxers, white wife-beater, New York Yankee’s cap turned almost all the way backward.

“This place is a dump. Fucking rat hole,” he says.

“It’s not that bad,” I say as I put a box on his dresser. “You’ll be closer to school and closer to me,” I say, smiling. Then I look at the floor. I can’t believe I said that. I search my brain for a distraction. We’re not close like that anymore. We haven’t been in years.

“And closer to Yari,” I quickly add, trying to cover my embarrassment.

“Yari’s hot,” Luciano says and pulls his tank top over his head. He’s still got his rosary on, but his chest looks older—stronger.

I want to say that my mom says Yari’s
sucia
or that the boys call her easy. But she’s still my best friend, so I just nod in agreement.

“Come here,” Luciano says as he wipes the sweat from his body with the shirt he’s now balled up. He tosses it onto the bed like he’s dunking a basketball. I walk closer to him hesitantly and feel all my nerves jumping. He hugs me quick and hard and my nose picks up the familiar scent of his body.

“You’re the prettiest girl on this block and you know it,” he says, his smile suddenly so wide his dimple is showing.

“I thought you’d gotten rid of that,” I say sticking the tip of my finger in it. He bats my hand away.

“Oh, what? The block isn’t good enough for you? You want me to tell you that you’re the prettiest girl in West Harlem, in all of the Heights? The prettiest girl in school or in all of New York City?”

“Stop teasing me, Luciano,” I say, my smile quickly fading.

“My cousin Belén has the tightest body in America!” he shouts and I know I turn crimson. I sprint from his room and run into the kitchen. Mami is putting away Titi’s dishes and I grab some to help. I’m out of breath from our encounter and my heart is fluttering. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

“Mami?” I say putting my hand on my hip.

“What is it,
mi hija
?” she asks and sticks her head out of the cupboard to look at me.

“I’m glad they moved in. I think it’s gonna be good,” I say, grabbing a tea towel and rubbing smeared newspaper print off of a teacup.

It is good. In fact, it’s better than good. Both Mami and Titi laugh more and cook more and spend more time with each other than they do with their boyfriends. And I see more of Luciano. I see him every day, because Mami forces him to walk me to school. He acts like it’s a drag and complains in curses under his breath, but as soon as we’re a block from the building he carries my backpack and treats me like a real person. He asks me about classes and homework and what teachers I like. He tells me which guys to watch out for and who he thinks I should hang out with. Sometimes we stop at the deli and get donuts or a bagel. Luciano always pays for mine, even when I have money.

I love to watch him eat almost more than anything else. He takes such big bites and he chews fast like a hungry dog on the street. Sometimes he gets cream cheese or donut glaze on the corner of his mouth. I tell him it’s there and he quickly wipes it away with the back of his hand. Sometimes he drinks coffee like a grown-up. He adds milk and sugar, puts the lid on, then shakes the cup vigorously between his thumb and his forefinger. That’s my favorite part.

At school he always meets up with his boys. I linger for a minute or two so I can watch him get his swagger on. He swears and talks dirty and starts to tease hard. They all act like they’re tough and throw pretend punches and spit on the pavement in the yard. The other boys tease him about me being his girlfriend. If I had a dollar for every time he had to say, “
mi prima, Son
!” I’d be rich enough to move out of this city. But saying I’m his cousin only encourages their interest—they think that means I’m fair game and they always start messing with me. I watch for Luciano’s signal, which comes in the form of an aggressive nod toward the school doors accompanied by a stern look in his eye. I quickly wave goodbye and scurry off to my classes. Sometimes I hear them talk about my body or say my ass looks good. I know it’s disrespectful and that I should be mad about it. But I
want
them to say it in front of Luciano. I want him to know what it feels like for me when he talks about Yaritza.

I don’t really see him much during school hours. Luciano is a sophomore and I’m just a freshman, which means he is from Mars and I’m from Jupiter. I take AP classes and stay after school for activities. Luc leaves school with his friends and they go smoke weed by the graveyard. We often eat dinner together, at my mom’s or his. He eats huge plates of food and Mami tells him he eats like a man.

“Tell Belén to stop staring at me,” he says, taking a bite out of a drumstick. I kick him under the chair and he laughs at my reactions.

“That’s the best you can do?”

“I put your toothbrush in the toilet,” I say the first mean thing I come up with.

“Now, I know you didn’t do that because your lips stick out like this when you lie,” he says, imitating my face, his mouth full of
arroz con gandules
.

I bang my fist on the table and kick him again.

“Okay, okay, come on,
niños
, let’s eat,” Mami says, lighting a cigarette.

“If that’s really how you fight, Belén, I’m gonna spar with you and teach you how to protect yourself.”

“That’s a good idea, Luc. You’re not always going to be around to protect her.”

That’s a terrible idea, Mami! I don’t want him to touch me. What do they mean that Luciano won’t always be here with me? Where would he go? I don’t know what I’d do without him. I can’t let Luciano go anywhere. Ever. Without me.

I watch him plow through his dinner. He practically swallows without chewing, like a starving dog on the corner.