Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (38 page)

Amy, the younger daughter, had a slightly different response to Joe’s contact with her. She was reserved and listened. She only said, “I have no idea how I feel about you. I’ll have to think about it.” Joe left Amy with information on how she could reach him and said he would appreciate any form of contact with her, even if it was an occasional postcard.

For the next three years, Joe continued working on repairing his life. He found a job with an organization that would partially pay for college tuition. He enrolled in school and pursued a degree in psychology. He worked with Don on a volunteer basis at the shelter, hoping to help others in the way Don had helped him. He regularly sent letters to his daughters, updating them on his changed lifestyle, occasionally sending a photograph of him working at the shelter. He informed them about his upcoming college graduation event and invited them to attend. In his letters, he wrote detailed descriptions of his mistakes, what he had learned from those mistakes, and how he was working to change his life for the better. He also invited them to contact him if they desired, assuring each of his daughters that he understood why they might not be willing to do so.

On the day Joe received his degree, his daughter Amy showed up for the ceremony. When she found her father after the program, she met him with tears glistening in her eyes. She simply said, “I’d like to have you in my life.” Joe told her that nothing could mean more to him, and he would treasure any opportunity to know his daughter. Over the next year, Amy and Joe became father and daughter, as well
as very good friends. Amy also became involved in the shelter with Don, and Don, Joe, and Amy were able to open a second location in a very needy area of town.

Carrie has chosen not to open her life up to her father. She is aware of the relationship that Amy has with her dad and often marvels that it can happen. Joe continues to send letters and cards to Carrie, with the hope that someday she might decide to consider opening herself up to him. He still has no expectations; he just simply knows that he is the one who needs to make the effort. His self-respect is built upon it. His credibility is being rebuilt based upon it.

A Simple Statement: “You Were Right”

Not all losses and rebuilding processes of personal credibility are as dramatic as the one with Joe and his family. Remember “Lynn”? She is the young woman who worked for a university and struggled with gaining the respect of students who considered her to be “just one of them,” leading her to realize she needed to change a few things to gain personal credibility with the students. Lynn works with “Becky.” Becky is a long-time employee at the university and can be difficult for her fellow employees to deal with. She is frequently critical, openly challenging their ideas and suggestions when the team meets for departmental meetings. It is very common for Becky to say, “That will never work” or, “You don’t have the same level of experience I have—you are not doing that right!” Lynn is very organized and thorough in her work, especially in times of student enrollment. She understands that details can easily slip through the cracks, and that the result of that occurring can be time consuming and expensive for students who might be on the receiving end of the university staff’s errors. Becky was openly critical of Lynn’s approach to an upcoming student orientation, telling her she was spending time and energy unnecessarily, and that no matter how much she planned, there would be mistakes made and there was nothing that could be done.

Thanks to Lynn’s planning, the orientation went more smoothly than any previous student orientation processes. Becky observed this. And, she did a remarkable thing. She approached Lynn and said, “You were right in your approach and planning of this orientation process. It went more smoothly than it ever has. I was really wrong to criticize you. You did a great job—and I would like to learn how you put your plan together if you have a chance to teach me sometime.” Lynn was absolutely amazed.

Becky is still somewhat difficult. She is occasionally critical. But, because she admitted her critical tendencies to Lynn and gave her credit as she should have, Lynn is more willing to overlook some of Becky’s tendencies now. She is still surprised that Becky was so humble, but she is also willing to give Becky more respect. Becky rebuilt some personal credibility with Lynn.

“I Meant Well, but I Blew It!”

Sometimes our mistakes are made out of our best intentions. Still, our personal credibility can be reduced even in those circumstances. “Barbara” assumed a new position as the director of Human Resources with a division of a financial services organization. Prior to joining this organization, Barbara had about ten years of experience with another large organization. In both organizations, coordinating the annual performance evaluation and salary planning process was a part of her role. But, Barbara did not agree with the methods used by her new organization. The system she was accustomed to established performance reviews and pay increase dates based upon the individual employees’ original hire dates. For example, if someone was hired in August, that person received a performance review and salary increase in August. As a result of this process, managers conducted employee evaluations and made salary changes
throughout
the calendar year. In her new company, the performance review process for all employees was conducted in December, at year-end, with all salary increases occurring the first pay period of March of the following year.

Barbara recommended that her new company consider moving away from a year-end process. She made a strong case with her corporate leadership staff for making the change. She argued that an anniversary date-driven process would allow managers to spend more quality time assessing the performance of each individual if the process occurred throughout the year. She made the point that salaries could be managed with more thoughtful consideration if the process was not pushed through at year-end. Her ideas were politely considered, but no change occurred. Barbara decided to try making her point again, gathering more financial data to support her argument, which proved that the organization could actually save expenses by spreading the process throughout the year. Still, the organizational leaders decided to stay with their established methods of handling the process.

Barbara believed that her arguments to change the system were ones that the managers she worked with would agree strongly with. She continued her battle, which involved several more meetings with the corporate leadership. In the meantime, the calendar was moving forward. Two months passed while Barbara attempted to change the system—two months of the time that managers should have been preparing performance reviews and making salary recommendations. So, finally accepting the organizational decision, Barbara was required to notify managers in early December of very short turnaround dates for their performance reviews and salary planning process. Managers within the organization were quite upset that they had such a short amount of time to get this work done, and that their time for getting the work done would occur during the holiday period. They were not aware of the reasons for the delay—they only understood that their new Human Resources director was giving them very short notice and little time to accomplish a major task at year-end. Barbara’s personal credibility was definitely on the downward slide with her new organization, yet she had only the well-being of her organization’s managers at heart!

From Problems to Progress

In our previous examples, both Joe and Becky made mistakes. Both made the type of mistakes that hurt the lives of others around them.

But, both made the decision to acknowledge those mistakes, first to themselves, then with those who had been impacted by their mistakes.

Barbara made mistakes as well, even though she was genuinely trying to do the right thing. The good news is that Barbara was able to rebuild personal credibility with the managers in her organization. What was her process? Yes, it was to take ownership with her managers and gain their involvement. After the year-end performance management process was over, Barbara met with each departmental manager. She began each meeting by stating that she wanted to acknowledge some mistakes she had made with the year-end performance management process. She then shared with them what she had been doing in trying to get the organization to consider a changed process. She ended her statement with, “Regardless of my intent, I should have been much more proactive in my communication with you before the end of the year. I apologize for the results of my effort—even if my intent was a good one. It won’t happen again.” Every manager who heard this stated that they would strongly support Barbara’s recommendation of spreading the performance management process throughout the calendar year. A few managers indicated a willingness to participate in a meeting with the corporate leadership group to discuss the issue again, with hopes of changing the system for the following year. All expressed gratitude for Barbara’s efforts of working on their behalf.

What did the managers remember about Barbara? They remembered that she was working hard on their behalf and that she took the initiative to explain her actions. Eventually, the year-end performance review and salary planning process was changed. Most of all, the managers remember that positive change occurred in the end. And, they remembered Barbara’s part in getting that done. She was clearly able to turn this situation of her lost credibility into one of strengthened credibility.

Chapter Thirteen. Rebuilding: One Step at a Time

Anyone who loses credibility can choose to rebuild it.
A few tough steps are necessary, but rebuilding credibility is impossible to do it without first taking the following five steps.

Step 1: Objectively Acknowledge Your Own Actions

This is the toughest part of the process of rebuilding credibility. It requires that we say, “I messed up” to ourselves. It requires that we stop justifying our actions or making excuses for our shortcomings. It means that we must be able to objectively look at what we have done and accept the fact that we were wrong or made a mistake—even when our intentions were good or when there were extenuating circumstances.

Step 2: Identify Your Options for the Next Action

After you have acknowledged your actions, you now have a choice for your next action. Your choices almost always include the following:

• I can choose to do nothing.

• I can choose to defend myself for what I have done.

• I can choose to take ownership for mistakes I have made.

Regardless, the option you choose will impact your personal credibility. If you choose to do nothing or to defend yourself, you are choosing to leave your personal credibility in its current state.

Step 3: Verbally Take Ownership with Those Impacted

If you have made a mistake and you have taken ownership for that within your own mind, you are more than halfway to rebuilding credibility. Now, you just need to swallow that pride and let the right people know that you have accepted ownership of the mistake. You don’t need to grovel; you don’t need to go overboard. You just need to approach that person and state that you have accepted ownership for this mistake.

“Lynn” was shocked yet pleased when “Becky” initiated the conversation with her and acknowledged that she had been wrong to criticize Lynn. “Joe’s” family had no idea where he was until he sought them out and verbally took ownership for his behavior as a father and husband. “Barbara”’s discussion with each departmental manager opened the door to improved organizational processes in the future. None of these events could have occurred without each person’s willingness to verbally take ownership with those he or she had impacted.

Step 4: Manage Your Expectations

If you recall, it took Joe’s daughter, “Amy,” three years to open her heart and mind to her father. His other daughter, “Carrie,” has yet to do that, and might not ever. His former wife was unwilling to consider allowing Joe the opportunity to rebuild credibility with her. Joe made it clear that he had no expectations of being forgiven; he simply knew that he needed to let his family know that he realized he had made very serious mistakes with them. Joe could not establish personal credibility
within himself
if he did not begin with taking ownership of his own actions. Self-respect is the foundation for the personal
credibility rebuilding process. Going into the conversations with his family members, Joe set very realistic expectations that his family might not ever forgive him. He needed, however, to begin with forgiving himself.

Or, it is also possible to see almost immediate acceptance and experience increased personal credibility as in the case with “Barbara” and her handling of the performance management process within her organization. The managers she worked with were not happy with how she had managed the year-end process, but after understanding her motives and desires, they were very willing to work with her going forward.

Your expectations for rebuilding credibility will be best managed if you are able to focus on one thing: You.

Do you know that
you have accepted ownership
? Do you know that you have acknowledged and discussed that acceptance with anyone who might have been impacted by your actions? You simply cannot control what others choose to do when you sincerely make the attempt to rebuild credibility. Your control begins and ends with you. Your personal credibility can only begin to be rebuilt with self-respect for your own actions.

Accepting ownership does something wonderful for you as an individual. When you are able to admit your own mistakes, and then follow that with admitting them to others, a heavy burden is lifted from you. Even when others don’t accept you with open arms, you are much less likely to activate your invisible fence. Your mind says, “Well, I’ve admitted I was wrong. I can’t really do anything else. So, I have no need to keep that fence up and protect myself from anything at this point.” Your ability to move forward, forgive yourself, and learn from the entire experience is significantly greater. You are more likely to be open and authentic going forward. And, as we have discussed, you are much more likely to increase personal credibility with others as a result.