Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (33 page)

• Be patient. This person is not usually trying to beat around the bush. Work hard at stopping your own thoughts and allow this person to finish expressing himself.

• Watch your vocal tone and body language. Allow the person with the diplomacy style to set the pace and work against demonstrating your desire to move the conversation more quickly.

• Paraphrase or restate what you hear periodically. Say, “So, you are saying that _______,” and then try to restate the key points you’ve heard. This allows you to move the conversation forward and helps the other person stay on track.

• Diplomacy is a strong skill and one valued by many people. Observe how more diplomatic individuals use phrases and words to present thoughts or requests of others in a way that is less likely to ruffle feathers and often generates more commitment from others.

What about you?
Are you struggling in a relationship that might be based upon a difference in styles? Is it possible that one of those differences is in this area of
direct or diplomatic
? Think through this relationship, consider your own personal preference and the other individual’s likely preference, and then respond to these questions:

• How could each of you benefit from communicating more effectively?

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• What could the other person say or do differently that could help this to occur?

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• What could you say or do differently that might help?

__________________________________________________

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• What are you going to do to make that happen?

__________________________________________________

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Retreat or Engage?

When interacting with someone who prefers to
retreat
(think and reflect first), consider the following:

• When possible,
schedule
time to talk with that person. Let them know in advance what you want to talk about and set a mutual time for the discussion. This allows the person to be prepared and give advance thought to the topic. You will be amazed at how much more attentive and relaxed he or she will be as a result!

• Be prepared to give your focus to this individual. People who prefer to retreat will always prefer to interact one-on-one versus group settings. Even in a group setting, understand that this person is capable of blocking out all other activities going on around him. So, you are showing that you value that person more when you can also give your focused attention to that individual.

• Pay attention to the energy this person is demonstrating. If you can sense that this person is showing fatigue, understand that he or she has probably had insufficient time alone to retreat and refresh the energy level.

• Try to modify your own body language, vocal tone, and speaking pace so that you are not overwhelming the person who prefers to retreat.

• Ask questions to draw out the thoughts and ideas of someone who prefers to retreat. And, be prepared for this individual to take time to pause, reflect upon your question, and then answer. This usually means that the person is thinking about your question and giving it serious consideration—it does not mean anything other than that. (Don’t be tempted to assume anything about what the person might be thinking while silent—odds are that you’re wrong!)

When interacting with someone who loves to
engage
with others and demonstrates energy from it, consider the following:

• Self-expression is necessary for this person to survive. So, don’t try to shut that down or tune it out.

• Give occasional verbal affirmations such as, “That’s right!” or, “Yes, I know!”

• Take the initiative to interject your own thoughts and ideas as they occur. If you don’t, you might never have an opportunity to interact!

• After making your thoughts clear, ask, “What are your thoughts?” Your engager will stay engaged. He or she really needs to be able to talk. Keeping the conversation flowing back and forth between the two of you will keep that energy going!

What about you?
Are you struggling in a relationship that might be based upon a difference in styles? Is it possible that one of those differences is in this area of
retreat or engage
? Think through this relationship, consider your own personal preference and the other individual’s likely preference, and then respond to these questions:

• How could each of you benefit from communicating more effectively?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

• What could the other person say or do differently that could help this to occur?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

• What could you say or do differently that might help?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

• What are you going to do to make that happen?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

Options or Plans?

When communicating with someone who prefers to keep many
options
open, prefers to be spontaneous, and resists the idea of a structured plan, consider the following:

• Keep an open mind to leaving options open for discussion for a period of time. Then, if needed, try to gain agreement in advance of when final decisions will be made and the details planned.

• The person who prefers keeping options open also needs to feel that he or she is able to “go with the flow” as things occur. So, if it is not really critical to finalize specific details, don’t push toward that. For example, if one person really wants to allow the events of the day to determine the time for dinner that evening, that might be fine. However, feel free to suggest a time that you agree that dinner will occur by. (“Let’s agree that we’ll not overly plan the day, but that we will shoot for dinner by 8:00 p.m.—how’s that?”) The person who likes options is usually fine with setting limits—they just resist an environment being overly structured.

• When communicating with someone who needs to keep options open, remain flexible wherever possible. Ask yourself, “Is it more important to drive my structured agenda, or is it more important to remain open, allow spontaneous opportunities, and keep the communication flowing?”

• If you need more structure in life, talk about that. Gain agreement on how you will work together to meet the needs of both individuals. Typically, some areas of life can be well managed without a great deal of structure or plans—and other areas need that structure for tasks to be accomplished.

•
Observe the joy and energy of the individual who enjoys keeping life open and flexible. Typically, this is someone who is able to live in the present and, therefore, gains pleasure from the simple, yet important aspects of life. Look for opportunities to apply those same qualities to your life experience!

Some tips for effective communications with the person who is very structured and develops
plans
include the following:

• First, understand that the lack of planning creates a high degree of stress for this individual. So, stress will reduce based on this person’s ability to develop that plan. Stress impacts everyone, so allow stress to reduce by accepting this aspect of this individual.

• Dealing with change is typically more difficult for someone who needs plans and structure. You can improve communication with this individual when you consider any changes to previous planning that you might be intentionally or unintentionally creating for this individual. Then, communicate those changes as far in advance as possible. Typically, the person who needs plans will accommodate changes when they feel there is some time to develop “Plan B.”

• Observe the benefits of effective planning. Notice the reduced stress that can occur when details are considered in advance and plans are implemented effectively. Learn to value individuals who have this preference, and wherever possible, learn to enjoy the ease in life’s details that can occur as a result.

What about you?
Are you struggling in a relationship that might be based upon a difference in styles? Is it possible that one of those differences is in this area of
options or plans
? Think through this relationship, consider your own personal preference and the other individual’s likely preference, and then respond to these questions:

• How could each of you benefit from communicating more effectively?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

• What could the other person say or do differently that could help this to occur?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

• What could you say or do differently that might help?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________