Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (13 page)

Dave Barry

It’s so easy to win an argument and lose lots of friends. Take great care in how you argue.

Apologizing

There are times in an argument where an apology is needed. Perhaps it’s clear you have behaved wrongly and there’s nothing else to do but to admit that and apologize. Refusing to apologize will make you appear big headed. If you need to apologize make it a proper one. That should involve the following elements:

• Clarity. “I’m sorry that you feel I have treated you badly” is not an apology for behaving badly. Politicians are famous for creating apologies that are in fact, on close reading, not apologies. A proper apology must be a clear acceptance of the wrong done.

• A statement of what will be done to correct the wrong or an explanation of why it cannot be rectified.

These essentials should all be included where an apology is appropriate. But there are times when, although it should not be required, simply to move on some kind of apology would be useful. Something along the lines “I can see that what I’ve done/said has really upset you and I would never want to hurt you and I’m sorry about that” might be appropriate. That acknowledges that hurt has been caused but avoids entering into a debate about who is right or wrong.

The importance of the relationship

In many, many situations the relationship is far more important than the argument. In the business context you might squeeze the very last penny out of your client by your fearsome arguing, but you may lose the client. Entering a deal that is fair and reasonable to both sides will produce a far more effective long-term business relationship.

As a consumer I remember countless garages where every time I went I felt suspicious that I was being ripped off, and I never trusted them. I now use a garage where, after several dealings, I have come to trust the mechanics. There have been several times when they did a minor task for free or their charges seemed moderate. They have a customer for life with me.

I’m sure we have all received good treatment from a firm and then recommended that firm to friends and thereby generated work for them. But that involves the consumer feeling happy with the agreement. Feeling they were forced into signing a contract or were browbeaten into an agreement is not going to do any good for customer relations and, in the long term, business.

I remember a situation where an employee was seeking a pay raise and pushed very hard for a salary increase a bit higher than I thought appropriate. Having given in, the next year when the issue of pay raises came around it was decided not to give him as big a raise as other people as he had done “so well last time.” I later worked out that he would have been significantly better off if he had not pushed so hard the first time.

Losing an argument

You can’t win every time! But first a word of warning. Earlier I urged you to be careful when arguing. Many people arguing with us are going to get something out of the argument if we lose. As we’ve seen, there are many devices that can be used to deceive you or wear you down. Here are just some:

• You may have been misled as to an important fact. Don’t believe a statistic just because you’ve been told it.

• The argument that convinced you may have had a logical flaw.

• There may be arguments against the view presented to you that you have not been able to think of.

• You may have been so overtaken with the emotional appeal of the argument that you have failed to consider its merits.

• You may just be tired and not want to continue.

So don’t admit defeat too easily, especially if that’s going to affect you financially or cause you to lose your job. Unless there’s some kind of emergency, no one should object to you saying:

“You’ve given me lots to think about and you make a very strong case. I need to go away and mull over the issues we’ve discussed.”

Indeed, if someone seems unhappy with that, you should wonder if they have something to hide. Are they worried you will find out a fact that will prove them wrong?

But despite all of this, it may be that you simply need to accept defeat. Many people try to save face in this situation.

“I’m sorry. I think I got confused about what we were arguing about. I thought we were arguing about X, but you thought we were arguing about Y.”

Others seek simply to end the argument without grace:

“I refuse to have a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed. Goodbye.”

That kind of remark might sound clever at the time, but it’s hardly going to bring any long-term benefit. It is noticeable that Al Gore, in conceding defeat to George W. Bush, showed considerable graciousness and his reputation was enhanced because of that.

Winning an argument

Well done if you have won your argument! But be gracious in victory. We’ll look at this more in
Part 2
of the book. But if in winning you lord it over your opponent, you may win the argument and lose a friend.

Summary

Remember that keeping a good relationship with the person you’re dealing with is more important than winning the argument. Perhaps you were not able to convince them this time, but there will be other occasions. Maybe you were able to convince them, but there may be other issues to discuss. Arguing can lead to a breakdown in relationships. Don’t let that happen to you. Argue carefully and you will be strengthening, not weakening, your relationships.

In practice

Remember that relationships matter more than arguments. Whether you have won or lost the argument, you nearly always will want there to be a good ongoing relationship. If you’re the winner then don’t lord it over the other person: be gracious. If you have lost don’t be a bad loser. At the end, whatever the result reaffirm the relationship. Spend some time together and just have fun. Go for a coffee and have a laugh.

Part 2: Situations where arguments commonly arise

Having set out my ten golden rules for arguing well I’m now going to look at some specific situations and how to apply them. We shall see that they can help whether you are arguing for a pay raise, arguing with your lover or arguing with the doctor. Perhaps not all of these situations will be relevant for you. But you are likely to come across most of them.

Chapter 11. How to argue with those you love

Arguments with partners and the extended family can be painful and complex. They can also go on for years! There’s probably no area in life where it’s more important to argue well. Perhaps it’s of some comfort that you’ll have plenty of practice at this! I don’t know a couple who find they never seem to argue enough.

Getting it wrong

Shamrita:   “You’ve left your socks lying around again.”

Suni:         “Well, I’m not stopping you picking them up. And while ...”

Shamrita:   “What do you expect me to be, your servant?”

Suni:         “Well, you seem to like treating me like a child.”

Shamrita:   “If you grew up a bit I wouldn’t need to!”

Suni:         “Typical, I do all the work and bring in all the money. You just lounge around the house all day with the only thing stressing you being my socks. You need to get a life!”

Shamrita:   “Well, maybe I should. I’m trapped living with you. I need a life. Leaving you will be a good first step.”

This example shows how easy it is for arguments over the most trivial things to get out of hand and escalate out of all proportion to the initial issue.

In fact, arguments can play a beneficial role in a relationship. They can help each party realize what the other really cares about. An argument enables there to be an outlet for feelings of antagonism that might otherwise fester. All relationships need boundaries and limits. A relationship in which one party got their way on every issue would be a bad relationship. If a
wife constantly submitted to her husband that would be disastrous. An English judge once said that “on marriage a husband and wife became one and the husband is that one.” That’s now an outdated and unacceptable model for a relationship. Relationships are about give and take; mutuality, if you will. Arguments are where you need to determine how your competing interests can be balanced.

“Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments; they’ve had the same argument hundreds of times.”

Gay Hendricks

How to argue with your partner

Here are some top tips for arguing with partners:

•
Remember Golden Rule 2
: Choose your time and place of arguing. You will know the foibles of your partner. My wife knows that if I’m hungry then it’s not a good time to raise a sensitive issue! If there’s an important issue that needs discussing try to choose a time when you are both relaxed and have the time to discuss it. I know ... that will be never! But at least do your best.

•
Remember Golden Rule 3
: It’s not what you say but how you say it. Don’t lose your temper. I touched on lots of tips on how to keep cool when that rule was discussed. If you feel you’re getting angry then put space between you and your partner and calm down. Not only is losing your temper not good for your relationship, it’s bad for your health.

•
Never ever be violent
: Never hit, throw things or physically threaten your partner. If you fear you might become or you have been violent, seek professional help quickly. If your partner has been violent to you think very carefully about whether it might be best to leave the relationship. All the evidence shows that those who are violent to their partners are so repeatedly. Typically, a violent partner is deeply apologetic, only to return to more serious violence in the future.

•
Remember Golden Rule 4
: Listen, listen, listen. It’s only respectful and proper to listen carefully to your partner. Don’t interrupt. Don’t finish their sentences. Where your partner has made a fair point then accept and acknowledge it. Demonstrate that you have heard what they have said and you accept it. So often in arguments between partners each is so keen to list the faults of the other, they don’t listen to what the other is saying.

•
Try to make statements in terms of what you feel
: “I sometimes feel that you care more about your job than you do about me” is less confrontational than “You care more about your job than me.” In putting the argument in terms of what you feel, you’re not judging the other person and are just describing your emotions. It opens the door to a ready reconciliation: “I’m so sorry you feel like that. Of course, I care far more about you than my job. I know I’ve been working late recently but ...”

•
Focus on the future, not the pas
t: Normally with relationships there’s not much point focusing on the past. How should the issue that is causing friction be dealt with in the future? It may help not to criticize, but rather to request. “In the future, could you load the dishwasher after lunch” may be more effective than “You never help with the dishes.” Focusing on the past produces an apology and shame, but it might also lead to personal insults, frustration and anger. Focusing on the future brings a solution to the issue without harming the relationship.

•
Remember to see the issue from your partner’s side
: Acknowledge the benefits your partner brings to the relationship. “I know you have the baby to look after all day and there’s nothing more exhausting than that, but ...” Acknowledge the good. Make it clear that you do love them and respect them.

•
Take time
: If you’re aware your discussion is leading to an impasse, suggest taking time to think about it. There might be more options that you can’t see. And make it clear to your partner that you’re not trying to avoid the issue. Promise to return to the discussion at a set point, perhaps “tomorrow morning after I’ve had some sleep.” Sleeping on an issue can
also provide perspective. I’m sure we’ve all been in the position of waking up “the morning after” and wondering why there had been an argument over an issue that seems so trivial the next day. At the time it might have seemed important where the toothpaste should live, but it all looks rather silly the next day. Beware, however, of putting things off forever. That might just disguise underlying issues.

•
Set a time limit
: If you’re having a discussion it may be worth setting a time limit, agreeing to return to the issue later if you have not resolved it by then. Decide to do something fun after that.

•
Be alert to what the real issues are
: In relationships it’s common for a trivial issue to lead to a major argument, but the trivial issue can reflect a significant point. The dispute over the toothpaste may reflect a broader issue that one person doesn’t think the other respects them; or that one party feels the other is trying to control them. We can see this in the example of the argument between Suni and Shamrita. At first it appeared that there was an argument about socks, but there were clearly a lot of other issues going on here. Suni felt that Shamrita was always trying to control her. Shamrita seemed to find her life based at home unfulfilling. These are major issues. If they’re not resolved their relationship could be doomed. First, they need to sort out the sock issue rapidly. The bigger issues will require a longer, more serious conversation, probably at another time when they have plenty of time to discuss them.