Making the Connection: Strategies to Build Effective Personal Relationships (Collection) (12 page)

Blogs do seem to bring out the aggressive side in people. It’s better to keep responses addressed to the arguments raised, rather than personal comments. Avoid swearing or clearly offensive remarks. They will not get you anywhere. I think some people who post on blogs forget they are communicating with other people. Most people are very sensitive and even a mere criticism can be blown out of proportion. So tone down your remarks. Just because someone has been rude to you doesn’t mean you need to be rude back.

It’s worth preparing what you’re going to say in a separate document and checking it carefully before copying it over to a forum/blog. That way you can check that you have not made any obvious typos or said anything you will come to regret.

Summary

Learn to write in a clear and direct way. Don’t try to sound clever or make things unnecessarily complicated. Use short, sharp sentences. Keep your writing brief and to the point.

In practice

Having written a letter or document, see if you can write it again in half the number of words. If you receive a letter you admire for its clarity, study it and see if you can learn from it. What was it that made it an effective piece of writing?

Chapter 9. Golden Rule 9: Be great at resolving deadlock

For many arguments I would recommend “don’t force a deal.” Often there is no need to get the person to agree with you immediately. Even though it might boost your ego to hear them say “Ah, now I see how right you were and how wrong I was,” there’s no point in forcing them to that stage. Far better for them to think about it more and go through the arguments again. If they feel they’ve reached their own decision (rather than been browbeaten by you) they’re more likely to stick with their new-found belief. Of course, they may decide on the spot, in the light of your arguments, to agree with you, but normally you don’t need to force the issue. Give them time to think and be open for them to come back and discuss it further.

However, there will be cases, especially in the business world, where you’ll want to push to a “deal.” To explore this issue fully you might want to look at a business book on sales (try L. Thompson,
Mind and Heart of the Negotiator
, 2008, Prentice Hall).

Inertia

Most experts agree that the major problem in closing a deal is inertia. You can easily persuade someone that they would be better off with a new car or washing machine, or whatever it is. But it’s then difficult to get to the stage of actually doing something about it. That’s why magazines love people who take out standing orders or direct debits. Then customers need to take steps to cancel a subscription, rather than the journal having to persuade the customer to renew the subscription each year.

If you’re in an argument and you need to close it, here are a few top tips:

• Create the impression that your offer is only open for a short time. Not for nothing do estate agents put up “Sold” signs on
properties in their windows. They want to create the feeling that if there is a house you like you must move fast or someone else will get it. If you’re in a dispute with a builder try:

“Look, I want this business sorted out today. I’ll pay you $150 if we call it quits now, but if you’re not happy with that you’ll have to take me to court.”

• Create the impression that everyone is, or is going to be, buying the product. Fear of being “behind the times” or “outdated” is an emotion many sales teams play on.

• Play on a person’s self-image. Persuade the customer that being the kind of person they are, they should buy this product. I was stopped on the street recently by someone who said:

“You’re the kind of person who cares about others, so please donate to help starving children.”

The impression was created that if I didn’t give, I was showing I was the kind of person who didn’t care about others. This ploy can be used with institutions or groups too:

“Do we want to be the kind of synagogue where this happens?”

“Is this the kind of community we want to live in?”

• Embarrassment can sometimes be an effective tool. Consider this discussion between exes:

Sue:    “Could you possibly have the children for a month in March?”

Tom:    “I’m sorry, Sue, I’m afraid I can’t.”

Sue:    “Could you manage them just for the first weekend in March?”

Tom:    “Well, I suppose I could do that.”

After rejecting Sue’s first request, Tom will feel embarrassed by rejecting the second. If Sue had started out just asking about the weekend, he would have found it easier to say no. This technique can be used in quite a few arguments.

• Flattery, they say, can get you anywhere. That’s probably an exaggeration, but it can certainly help:

Brian:    “You did such a fantastic job on the booth last year, could you run it again?”

Moderation

The temptation in an argument is to settle on a compromise agreement. If the builder is offering to do the job for $200 and you’re willing to pay $100, an agreement for a $150 fee seems inevitable. But don’t be tempted into assuming that’s what you should do. If you’re convinced $100 is the correct fee, stick to your guns. If you believe the offer you’re making is reasonable, don’t be affected by the fact that someone else has countered with a more extreme offer. Indeed, they may well have made the extreme offer deliberately in the hope that you would increase your offer and so they would at least get a bit more.

Tip

Don’t succumb to the argument that “meeting halfway” is always the reasonable thing to do.

It’s perhaps most logical to be drawn to the moderate middle road. But while that can be sensible on some occasions, be particularly wary of the temptation. Decide what you think is a fair figure. Consider this argument, which seeks to cut off complaints:

“I was going to ask for a 10 percent pay raise, but I realize with the latest profit warnings that that’s not reasonable, and so I’m only asking for a 5 percent pay raise.”

This argument is clever because it makes it harder to suggest the person makes yet another sacrifice in their demand. Indeed, in face of the argument that the company is going through hard times, the person can present themselves as having already taken that into account.

What are your alternatives?

In any argument, don’t forget what your alternatives are. And think about what the alternatives are likely to be for the person you’re talking to.

Tip

Ask yourself where you will be if you cannot get an agreement.

If you cannot beat down the salesperson to a lower price, how will things look without the new car? If in fact the old car works fine then it’s important to remember that in your argument. If they will not agree with your reasonable offer, then you have a good alternative: you can use your old car for a while longer. If your boss says no to the pay raise do you have other jobs you could go to? If so, you can push hard. If you don’t have other job alternatives, you are going to have to ensure that the argument at least leaves you still with a job!

To give another example. Consider you are in an argument over buying a house and can’t agree on a price with the seller. What are the alternatives for you? How important is it you buy this house now? How important is it to the seller that they sell to you? If there are plenty of other people around who are willing to buy the house at a price higher than your offer, you have a weak case and there is little point trying to insist on your price. If there are no other buyers around and it is not urgent you move now, you can stick to your guns.

If you have a good alternative, let the other person know.

“That’s fine if you’re not willing to accept my offer for this car. I’ve seen a car in another dealer that I’m interested in and I will see if I can do business there.”

What do you really want?

You might think you know what you want from an argument, but think carefully. What are your real long-term goals? Don’t get your bargaining position muddled with what your basic interests are. You might think that selling the house for $400,000 is key to you. But how have you arrived at that figure? What are the long-term goals that led you to choose the figure? By considering these goals and focusing on them, other options might arise. If a person is seeking a pay raise, what is it they’re really after? Is it increased status? Is it actually the money, or is it a competitive salary in comparison with others? There may be ways of meeting these demands apart from giving a straightforward raise. Creating the opportunity to work overtime, discussing freelance opportunities, increasing the kind of work done or changing the job title are all alternative solutions depending on the underlying cause of the request.

Deadlock

What if, despite all your arguments and discussion, there is deadlock? The temptation may be to walk away and leave the situation unresolved, but there are still alternatives left if initial arguments have failed:

1.
Call in a third party. It’s common in the business world to seek to rely on an arbitrator to resolve a dispute. Even if it’s a personal matter, you could seek a mutual friend or trusted person to intervene. Of course ultimately the courts play that role, although if you can find some informal, cheaper alternative that may work well.

2.
Secret bids. If the dispute is over payment, there are a number of devices that can be used. One that’s popular is to suggest that both parties secretly put down their best offers. If they are within 15 percent of each other then the average is taken, but if they are more than 15 percent apart, then a third party will determine which is the most reasonable offer. Another possibility is to invite bids and use the figure closest to an agreed expert’s assessment.

3.
Flip a coin. It’s old fashioned and simple but sometimes it works.

4.
Take turns. In a famous court case disputing ownership of a large number of Cabbage Patch dolls, the judge ordered the dolls be brought into court. The wife could choose one, then the husband one and so on until the whole pile was divided.

5.
Famously King Solomon was asked to rule on which of two women was the mother of the baby. He ruled that the baby should be cut in two. One woman loudly protested and said in that case the baby should go to the other woman. King Solomon ruled that the protesting woman must be the mother and should have the child.

Summary

If you don’t need to force a deal, don’t. Give the other person time and space to think about what you have said. If you need to close with an agreement think carefully about what you really want at the end of the deal. If there appears to be a deadlock think laterally about whether there may be other ways of getting what you really want. If all else fails consider using one of the tie-breakers mentioned above.

In practice

If you have ever been forced into an agreement you didn’t want, how did the other person do that? What could you have done otherwise? Always think of the big picture. Where will you be with or without this agreement in a year’s time? Is this agreement part of a larger deal? If so, there may be no point damaging business relationships because of difficulties with one agreement.

Chapter 10. Golden Rule 10: Maintain relationships

You must see any argument in the context of the wider relationship between you and the other person. Before embarking on an argument you must consider what has been the relationship between you in the past and what will be the relationship between you in the future. What impact will the argument and the possible outcomes have on your relationship? There’s much to think about here.

What is the argument really about?

It’s important to remember that arguments are often about underlying issues, rather than the actual issue being discussed. There’s a need to figure out whether the issue at hand really is what is being argued about, or whether the real issue is something else. Many people find that the argument they’ve had was in fact reflecting an underlying tension or difficulty. That argument about putting the socks in the laundry basket may in fact reveal a deep-seated concern about the relationship. In the business context the other firm may be appearing to be really tough, but is that because they felt short-changed by the last deal you negotiated? Or is their firm going through tough times, and if so what does that mean about how you should approach the deal?

What do you want?

Perhaps the first point to make is that very rarely does a person win an argument outright. It’s unlikely after a discussion that your opponent is going to say: “Do you know, I’ve been mistaken all this time and now I see you were right all along.” As a result, most arguments end when some sort of compromise is reached between the parties.

Do you want to remain friends?

In a witty article on how to win an argument, Dave Barry wrote:

“Suppose you’re at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you’re drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you’ll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthrals your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you’ll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You’ll be a WEALTH of information. You’ll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.”