Love Me ~ Without Regret (18 page)

“Puppies are a safe topic, I always wanted a Yorkshire terrier.” I hope Kane can get my mind on something else.

Kane reaches for the door. “Why a little yapping ankle biter?”

Kane talks nonstop all the way down to the hotel restaurant, trying to persuade me into getting a bigger dog. He gives me the benefits of Bulldogs, and all the different types of the breeds.

The hotel restaurant is more upscale, and we both look like we’ve been rode hard and put up wet. “Are you sure we can even go in there looking like we do?”

“Yeah, come on. Being in Music City, they're used to customers like us. Performers are notorious for partying into the wee hours of the morning and looking like shit the next day. You’ll see a lot of women with their shades on to cover up the evidence of a long hard night.” Kane laughs.

“That’s a great idea, Kane.” I pull my cheap sunglasses from my handbag, slipping them on my face. “Now I’m on trend.” I look at my sleep pants tucked into my boots and give a huff. Who cares? “I’ve never been trendy in my life.”

“You’re perfect, Lizzie, just the way you are, Sweetheart.” Kane stops me before we reach the hostess. “Don’t believe anyone who tells you different.” He lifts my chin and places a soft kiss to my cheek.

“Kane, can we eat now? I’m actually a little hungry.” He is too sweet to say kind words to make me feel better. I really just want to eat so we can leave and I can get home. Then I can have my breakdown in private. This façade of being strong will only last so long.

We sit, order our food, and make more small talk. Anything right now to get me through until I can get home. Kane tells me jokes to get me to smile and I really try. I have become so good at faking being okay for so long. Then Clay came along. He wedged his way in my heart and all my well-placed defenses faded away. Now, I’m probably more banged up emotionally than I’ve ever been and I don’t see any way out.

“What makes a Yorkie a good choice for you, Lizzie?” Kane is determined to keep my mind on something else.

“They are so loveable. They like to snuggle with their owners, and they are little so it would fit in my apartment better than a large dog.” I take a sip of my soda. I’m glad to have the caffeine. I suspect I’ve got a headache coming on. I rub two of my fingers against my temples. I should take something before the pounding gets worse. I search through my shoulder bag for pain reliever and come up empty handed.

“Headache?” Kane questions me.

“I feel the beginning of one. I thought I would cut it off before the throbbing escalates into something more.” I stare at the white linen tablecloth that has been pressed to perfection.

“We can stop by the gift shop and pick up some up before Ryder takes you home. Would you rather I take you home? I’ll be glad to take you back myself. Once you get home, I don’t think you need to be alone.” Kane offers.

“That’s exactly what I need right now, I’m exhausted and I want my bed,” I tell him matter-of-factly.

“I’m sorry you’re in pain, Lizzie, but I’m not leaving you. You have a true friend in me.” He reaches over and takes my hand in his.

“Thanks, Kane, but I want one day to myself. I’m allowed one day. After that, if I don’t pull myself out of my funk, you have my permission to ride my ass every day. I’ll be fine riding home with Ryder. He wants to go home anyway.” I remove my hand.

Kane checks an incoming text on his phone. “Ryder says he’s ready when we finish eating.” He lays his phone face down on the table.

“I’m all done, but I would like my drink in a to-go cup. I’ll need something to take the medicine with.”

Kane signals for the waitress to bring him our check. “Can I also get a soda to go for her, please?” He asks while he hands her cash to pay for our meal.

“Sure, I’ll be right back with a Coke and your change.”

“You can text or call me anytime you want to talk, I’ll always be here for you. I’m going to stop by to see a friend today, and I’ll be home tonight. I’m going to come by and check on you.”

Before I can argue with him, the waitress comes back with my soda and Kane’s change.

“Keep the change,” Kane tells the waitress with a wink.

I stand up, putting my purse over my head so it lays across my shoulder to hang on the opposite hip. “Is Ryder on his way down?” I pick up my soda.

“He’s waiting upstairs. If you want to get what you need out of the gift shop, I’ll go and get your bags.”

I’m glad to have a moment alone, I appreciate their concern, but I need time to process my feelings. I buy the necessary pain reliever and find a seat in the lobby. I feel my phone vibrate in my purse now that I’m sitting still. I rummage around until I find it. You would think I’d be organized with my busy schedule.  Maybe I should take a lesson from Kane.

I scroll through my missed messages. Bailey has left a million on how she is going to kick my ass if I don’t call her back. Denise sent me a text asking if I was okay. Oakley sent one, telling me to listen to Clay, and Aubs wants to know if Ryder is hooking up with anyone while he is here. Then I come to Clay’s. I pause, looking away. I’m not sure if I can read this right now or if I need to wait until I’m alone. I don’t want to breakdown here.

I send Bailey a quick message letting her know I’m fine, and I’m riding home with Ryder this morning. I know this won’t appease her and I’m sure she will be calling me soon. I wish they would grant me some privacy to deal with this, alone. I want the luxury of completely shutting down. I don’t want to talk about my feelings. I crave the point where I’m blank and no longer exist.

My phone jars me out of my thoughts, “Bay, I can’t talk about it all right now. Okay? Please give me one day, that’s all I’m asking for is one day.” I feel my breath shortening again. The pit of my stomach is coming back up in my throat. All of the emotions that I thought I had tapped down come flooding back to the surface. Tears start to sting my eyes again.

“Lizzie, I’m so sorry. I want you to know that I love you. We will come home today too just in case you need me. I want to be there.” Bailey knows exactly what I need to hear. She doesn’t want to hash out the dirty details and bash Clay. She merely wants to be here when I’m ready.

“Okay,” I say, barely above a whisper. “Thanks, Bay, love you, too.” I hang up. Noticing that the guys are getting off the elevator, I put my phone away. I reach up to push my hair out of my face and feel tears running down my face. I didn’t realize I was crying again. It’s those silent tears that sneak up on you that could be fatal. I quickly wipe my eyes and force a smile as I get up to meet the guys.

Clay

I pace the floor of Cash and Bailey’s room, waiting for Lizzie to contact Bailey. I have to know she is okay. I spent the better part of an hour explaining everything that happened almost nine months ago before Bailey would even consider talking to me about Lizzie. Even after swearing on my life that I wasn’t going to hurt, Lizzie and that I loved her, Bailey still had second thoughts about sharing any information with me.

Cash eventually stepped in on my behalf and got her to listen to reason. Cash has joked around about how stubborn and hardheaded Bailey is once she has her mind made up. I didn’t realize that it was actually true.  Those two girls have a bond like no other I have ever seen. I admire that kind of relationship. I wish I had someone like that in my life.

When Lizzie finally texted back that she was fine and Ryder was taking her home, I said a silent thank you to God that it wasn’t Kane. Everyone thinks I’m over reacting about his attraction to Lizzie, but I see the way he looks at her. When he thinks no one is paying attention, I see the desire for her in his eyes.

“Clay, the only reason I’m doing this is because I believe you, and I think you’re good for Lizzie. Don’t prove me wrong here. Don’t make me regret my decision to trust you, you’re only getting this one chance.” Bailey says as she dials Lizzie’s number.

Bailey’s agreed to call Lizzie back on speakerphone so I can hear her voice. I want to know for myself she is okay. I’ve never been as anxious as I am right now.

After a couple of rings, Lizzie picks up.

“Bay, I can’t talk about it all right now. Okay? Please give me one day. That’s all I’m asking for is one day,” Lizzie says all in one breath.

All I hear is the hurt and pain I’ve caused her, how I’ve let her down.

Bailey tells her that she loves her and she’ll be home soon if she needs her.

Then I hear my woman breakdown, and all she can do is whisper. I don’t even know if you can call that a whisper, more like a plea for help. I wish now that I had taken the time the other night to explain about Megan when Lizzie found that stupid engagement ring. If I had only told her everything right then, all of this could have been avoided. 

Bailey hangs up and looks over to me, “Are you okay, Clay?” She walks over, stroking my arm. “What can we do to help?”

I’m shocked by her offer. I didn’t think she would want to do anything to aid me. I consider her offer and come up with an idea she can help me out with—if she’s willing.

Convincing Bailey of my plan is easier than I think, but talking Cash into this strategy is something entirely different. He doesn’t like the idea whatsoever, and flat out refuses to participate.

“Clay, what time do you need to be at the attorney’s office?” Bailey questions me while keeping constant eye contact with Cash.

Looking at my watch, I say, “I have an hour and a half.”

“Can you give us a little time alone? We’ll call you within thirty…”

Cash is shaking his head no.

“Give us forty-five minutes to discuss this and one of us will call you.” Bailey walks over and puts her hands on her hips, looking up at Cash.

“Yes, I’m going to talk to Kane anyway. He was with Lizzie all night so maybe he can give me a clue to what she’s thinking. Thanks, Bailey. Cash, think about this please. I need a hand with this.”

Back in my room, I call Kane. I know this is going to be a hard conversation. I’m trying to decide which way to handle things with him, beat the shit out of him or follow the old rule of keeping your enemies closer than friends. I think I’ll get further with him if I play it cool. His phone goes to voicemail, again.

“Hey, Kane, I just wanted to apologize for how I was earlier, man. I love Lizzie and I don’t want to lose her. Please call me back so we can talk.” I hope my message will smooth things over between us enough that he will call me back and let me know what’s going on in Lizzie’s head.

I’ve checked my old hand-me-down watch that was my dad’s for what seems like the one-hundredth time since I got back to the room. I’ve taken a shower, had a bag of chips for lunch, and worn a hole in the carpet. I can’t just sit here and wait for Bailey to call me while I’m waiting for my appointment with the attorney. I should be doing something besides waiting, but for the life of me, I don’t know what.

I need to burn some of this energy, but the path I’ve been making from the window to the hotel door isn’t getting the job done. I grab my leather bound notebook that I use for writing my music and head downstairs. Maybe putting my feelings down on paper will help. Lizzie may not listen to me right now, but one day I will have my chance.

Dad always told me to keep a notebook with me, that I would never know when inspiration for a song would hit. He said write happy stuff, but most of all write the stuff that affects you deep down in your guts. I can hear his voice in my head, “Clay, when you feel broken, like you can’t go on, that’s when you need to write. Dig deep, son. Rip out your heart and let them all see it. That’s where truly great songwriting comes from.”

Outside, the early spring air is still chilly. It’s one of those days where the sun is shining bright and warms your skin for a moment. Then the frigid wind comes along and bites you through your clothing.

Sitting out here, I can’t get my mind off what I’ve done to Lizzie. I’ve hurt her. I’ve let her down. I tap the pencil on the notebook, thinking about her and what I would want to say if she would hear me out. I’m an asshole. Way to be poetic, Clay. Maybe sometimes the point isn’t to be poetic, but about saying the right words at the right time. She’s my everything, my whole world. I’ll be in Hell without her. She is my happy. Shit, I even took away her smile. How do you get over taking away your woman’s smile? I know some of the things I want to say. I open the notebook to a clean page and scribble what I’m sorry for and how I feel about it.

I’m dying inside

I’ve let you down

Losing you would be hell

I’m sorry I hurt you

I’m not perfect

I’m sorry I made your smile fade

I’m stupid

I’m sorry I made you cry

I’m sorry isn’t enough

It’s not over, not by far

I’ll keep fighting for you

Because without you, there’s no us

My phone ringing brings me out of my thoughts, Bailey tells me to pick her up in fifteen minutes. I didn’t realize I had been sitting here so long. Looking over my notebook, I realize nothing I’ve written can be used for a song. That’s okay. Writing eased some of my nervous energy.