Love Me Back (32 page)

“Answer it Maddy.”  Trent is demanding on the street corner.  I see the people glancing over at him.  I am sure they recognize him and it’s only a matter of time before they come over asking for autographs.

“Um…” my breathing is becoming erratic. 

“You know what?”  Gabe throws his hands in the air.  “Fuck it, I’m done.  You can have her.”  He tells Trent turning around to walk away.

“Gabe!”  I shout and he stops.  I can’t tell if he stops because he thinks I choose him or if he just can’t bring himself to walk away from me.

“What?”  He turns around but doesn’t come forward.

“Please don’t go.”  I plead with him and Trent looks at me in disbelief.

“Maddy, I have made a fool out of myself for too long.  You and Trent have a happy life, you fucking deserve each other.”  He says.

“Watch it Gabe.”  Trent warns him.

“What are you going to do?”  He walks up to Gabe meeting him chest to chest.

“Let’s remember whose she was when you decide to step in.”  Trent yells.

“If you treated her like she deserved or hell thought of her once before yourself I wouldn’t of had to step in for you.”  Gabe spat back.

“Nice that every time I couldn’t be there, you were.”

“Couldn’t doesn’t fit Trent, Wouldn’t is more like it.”  Gabe says and Trent punches him in the mouth.               

“You son of a bitch.”  Trent says shaking his hand and flexing his fingers.

“You’re calling your own mother a bitch, asshole”  Gabe punches him back in the stomach and then Trent tries to hit back but Gabe gets out of the way. 

Gabe is sober and Trent is a little drunk so I know how this will end and since I am drunk I think I should get in the middle.

“Come on guys.  Let’s forget this and talk about it tomorrow.  We can go inside to dance some more.”  I place a hand on each of their chests.

“Stay out of it Maddy.”  Gabe warns.

“Don’t talk to her like that.”  Trent says back.  They are each pushing harder against my hands and I am slowly losing control.

“She isn’t yours Trent.”

“She has always and will always be mine.  So, stay the fuck away from my girl Gabe.”  I freeze after Trent’s confession. 

The boys move over to the side away from me and Gabe hits Trent right against his cheek making him fall to the ground.

“Trent” I scream as he is holding his cheek unable to stand up.  I rush to his side and look back at Gabe.  He is staring down at us with sadness in his eyes.

I beg him with my eyes to stop this.  To come down and help his brother but he shakes his head.

“Keep picking up his pieces Maddy.  Pretty soon he will swallow you whole.”  He doesn’t turn around entering the bar.

What the hell is he talking about?

I help Trent up to his feet when I see some guys and girls taking pictures of us.  Oh here we go again.   We will be front page on all the gossip sites by midnight tonight.   I flag down a cab practically pushing Trent in.  Luckily the few cab services in the small town hang around just in case.  Once I am in the car I text Ian letting him know I will see him at home and I left with Trent.

Trent rests his head against the window closing his eyes as I stare out the window still trying to figure out what Gabe meant.  Have I lost a piece of myself because of Trent?  I shake my head no, Trent was there for me when I needed him.  Gabe didn’t know how he picked me up when I thought I was going to crumble.  Trent got me back when I was lost in a sea of grief.  Gabe didn’t know any of that because I never told him. 

Sure, he know about Bill Monroe, the whole town found out about him.  He was arrested for sexual assault.  He pled guilty and was still serving his twenty year sentence.  What Gabe doesn’t know along with the rest of the town was that I miscarried our baby that night. 

It is the sole fact Gabe doesn’t know about me.  I don’t want him to look at me differently so I beg everyone that knew to keep it to themselves.  I guess it doesn’t matter now since he doesn’t want anything to do with me.  He walked away from me tonight, sick of the games and I can’t blame him, he deserves better than me.

The cab drops us off at my mom’s house and we enter the dark house.  It still hits me when I walk into the redecorated house.  I sense of fear washes over me but then I relax a little.  My therapist has done wonders with me.

“Here you go” I give Trent a bag of frozen vegetables.  I am still baffled my mom has food in her freezer.

“Thanks.”  He mumbles.

“Why don’t you spend the night here?”

He smiles brightly “Alright” he moves to stand up.

“On the couch” 

“Yeah…right.”  His smile falters and he sits back down.

“I’ll go get you a pillow and a blanket” I leave the room.

By the time I get back Trent is already asleep and I hope that he doesn’t have a concussion.  I decide to curl up on the recliner next to him in case he needs me during the night.

I am jolted awake by a very drunk Ian.  “I can’t believe you left me there.  What the hell Maddy?”  He keeps poking me in the arm with his finger.

“They got into a fight, people started taking pictures, and I had to get him out of there.”  I say rubbing my eyes.

“I heard.  Some guys I was hanging out with were talking about Trent Basso getting his ass kicked by some guy outside.  I assumed who the other guy was.” 

“Oh great, I don’t even want to go online now.”  I roll my eyes in disgust.

“Um…there is someone at the door who wants to talk to you.”  Ian sheepishly looks at me.

“No?”  I question my shoulders slumping.  I can’t see him now.

Ian nods his head up and down raising his shoulders in apology.  “I’ll stay here and look over Trent.”

“I’m sure you will.”  I joke getting up.

When I walk around the corner Gabe is standing by the door looking at the ground.  He hears me coming and when he picks up his head I see so much sorrow and regret I almost breakdown.  What have I done to these two brothers? 

“Hey.”  He looks up at me with those blue eyes and I close my eyes in regret of what I have done.

“Hey.”  I say back.

“Can we go for a walk?”  He motions towards the door.

“Sure.”  I walk towards the door but he opens it for me before my hand can reach the handle.

“Trent here?”  He asks.

I shake my head.

“Is he ok?”  I hear the remorse in his voice.

“Yeah he’ll be fine.”  I reassure him.  At least his head will be I think to myself.

“May I?”  He places his hand out asking permission to hold mine.

“Of course.”  I let him take my hand entwining our fingers together. 

“I’m sorry Maddy for what I said.  I was just so angry after seeing you on the dance floor with him.  I’m sorry what I did with Caroline in return.”  He walks us down my driveway.  We start walking towards the main road of town.

“It’s ok, you are probably right, I have always put Trent’s life in front of my own.”  I shrug.  I want to tell him not always but I don’t know if I can.

“Oh Maddy, I didn’t mean it like that.  I was just pissed, you picked him over me again.”  He admits.

“No I didn’t.”  I stop walking, looking at him with the moonlight streaming across his face.  God he’s gorgeous.  “If you would have stayed yesterday you would have known I didn’t pick him.  I was comforting him, he is going through hard times right now.”

“You mean his ankle and maybe not being able to play again.  Jesus Maddy, don’t you see it?”  He shakes his head.  “You are his crutch, his savior.  You are there for him when he feels down or unsure of himself but as soon as he’s better he drops you.”  But before I can respond.  “Sorry, I guess I am still angry.”  He turns us around walking but drops my hand.

“Not always Gabe, he saw me through a time I didn’t think I would survive.”  I disclose to him.  It is time he knows the truth that I have been keeping from him.  I am sure after he hears this he won’t want me anymore.

“What are you talking about Maddy?”  He questions knowing he has been the one there to lift me up when I am down.

“I never told you.”  I shake my head leading us towards town.  I have to take him and tell him the story.

“What Maddy?  What did you not tell me?”  His voice seems panicked reminding me how much he cares for me.

“Just listen, ok?  It’s going to be hard to get out, I don’t want to remember but I want to tell you, ok?”  I stop walking putting my hand on his arm.

He nods in agreement and I start revealing my story to him scared as hell he will walk away from me.

“Remember Bill Monroe and what happened?”  I ask him knowing he remembers.  You don’t forget when someone you love is almost raped.

“Of course.”  He responds.

I take a deep breath in and out finding Gabe looking at me in apprehension.  “I was pregnant when it happened.”  My eyes start to water.

“Don’t Maddy, its ok.  You don’t have to take yourself back there.” 

“Yes I do.  Gabe, you deserve to know this.”  I wipe the tears taking another deep breath allowing myself to talk.  “It was Trent’s baby, well…you probably already figured that.”  I shrug.  “Since the fight between Bill Monroe and myself was so violent I miscarried that night.”

“I’m sorry.”  His voice a whisper.  I should have known he would feel sorry for me when this is about me keeping a secret from him.

“Anyway, Trent and I had plans to move to New York and have the baby together.  After I miscarried I shut him out.  I couldn’t handle it.  Your mom came in the room and took over until I cried enough to fill ten buckets.”

“My mom knew?”  Disbelief that the people he loves deceived him.

“Yeah, sorry.  I swore her to secrecy.  Anyway, after I got out of the hospital I couldn’t even get out of bed and Trent had to get to New York to start practice with the team.  I told him I wasn’t going to go, that he probably didn’t want me anyway since I killed his baby.   I shut everyone out.  He stayed back with me telling the team a personal matter came up and he couldn’t make it.  The general manager threatened to take away his signing bonus if he didn’t get there the next day but Trent stayed with me for two more weeks.  He would come into my room at night and hold me when I cried but would give me the space I needed during the day.”  I heave a sigh my mind remembering the darkest time in my life.

Gabe grabs my hand again squeezing it in encouragement.  I smile over at him in appreciation and he smiles back.   Oh how I love this man.

“One night Trent came in my room and I assumed he was going to climb into bed with me but he was fully dressed with his backpack slung over his shoulder.  He told me to get my ass out of bed and get dressed.  I fought him but he dragged me out of the bed throwing my clothes to me.  I was so mad at him but I followed quietly behind him.”  Following the streets I ran earlier I see we are almost there.  Gabe doesn’t know where I am taking him but it is important that hears this part of my life.

“He told me to get in his truck.  I followed his directions mumbling obscenities to myself.  He didn’t talk to me the whole ride and I stared out the window brewing silently.  Then he turned in here.”  I motion at the cemetery in front of me and Gabe now.

“Oh Maddy.”  Gabe might have already known where we were going but he appears surprised when I stop in front starting to walk up the long sidewalk.  He seems reluctant to follow me but he does. 

“Grabbing his backpack he held my hand tight as we walked up to my father’s headstone.  I had been back many times since his funeral but I knew Trent never came.  Him taking me there made me more furious, it brought back the time he disappointed me the most.   Now he thought I would find some kind of strength in coming here.  I started screaming at him, telling him everything I felt, how he had thrown me aside all those years.  I told him I hated him and never wanted to see him again.  That he should go to New York without me and live the happy bachelor life he always wanted.  He wrapped his arms around me tight so I would stop beating his chest.  Tears were streaming down my face and all I wanted to do was run but he wouldn’t let me leave.  He must have held me for fifteen minutes before I finally relaxed from exhaustion.  I sulked into his arms not wanting to face my dad.  To tell him what happened to me.  I felt ashamed of myself.  That I had disappointed him.”  Gabe and I walk through the black rod ironed gate and I wipe the tears from my face.  Gabe is silent, giving me the time to continue.

“I knelt down in front of his headstone apologizing for what happened and I was surprised at how much better it made me feel. Trent sat next to me the whole time with his hand on my back.  Then he opened his backpack and pulled out that angel.”  I point to the small angel statue on the right of my dad’s headstone.

“He said we were going to grieve for our child and this statue would represent the baby we lost.  Sobs escaped from me and I couldn’t breathe.  I didn’t think I could do it but he pushed me to hold it and say good-bye.  He said we couldn’t move on until we mourned.  He said this angel would sit by my dad’s side since he was watching over our baby looking down on us.  That night Trent and I said good-bye to our baby and I finally started to slowly heal a little.”  I didn’t want to go into too much detail with Gabe about how we stayed there until sunrise and how hard it was for me to walk away but Trent gave me the strength to make it down that hill.   That was mine and Trent’s moment together and no matter what, it was between us, not to be shared with others.

My fingers brush along the angel and slow tears run down my cheeks.  It was the worst time of my life but I have healed.  I don’t blame myself as much anymore.  I have learned to live and survive.  Now I must look at Gabe and see the disappointment on his face.  I don’t want to turn around and see how he sees me different now. 

“Turn around Maddy.”  Gabe requests.  He had been giving me my space sitting on the cement bench a few steps away. 

I shake my head no so he steps forward coming down to his knees beside me.

“I know it’s not enough but I’m so sorry.  I wish you would have told me so I could have helped you but I understand.”  He put his arm around my shoulders pulling me to him.  “That was you and Trent’s time.  He needed to see you through that and I am glad he stepped up to the plate.”