Lost To Me (11 page)

He kissed my hand.

Music pounded through me as we walked up to the front door. In the backyard behind a high fence, it sounded like there were hundreds of people partying. Kolton opened the door, and we went in.

I expected to be faced with a huge crowd of drunken people, but the place was deserted.

“They’re downstairs and out back.” Kolton led me downstairs, holding my hand.

When he was spotted, people called his name, girls came up and hugged him, and guys patted him on the back. Mr. Popular.

“This is Lauren,” he told everybody he talked to, never letting go of my hand.

“You want a beer?” he asked.

One beer wouldn’t kill me. “I guess.”

We walked toward the bar where neon beer signs hung on the walls between framed posters of college football stadiums and trophy-laden shelves.

Kolton seemed nervous. “Why are you so tense?” I asked.

He groaned, squeezed me and kissed my cheek. “It’s no big deal. This girl I used to go out with will be here. I don’t want to see her.”

A hollow spot formed in the pit of my stomach at the mention of the ex-girlfriend. “Tabby? How long did you go out with her?”

“About two years. We broke up a lot during that time though.”

My jaw clenched. “Does she still want you?”

He shrugged.

“Is she here?” I said a rapid and silent prayer that she wasn’t.

“Probably.”

“Great.” I could puke.

“Lauren, it’s okay. I’m not with her anymore. I’m with you. Sorry I’m acting like an idiot about it.” He brushed a stray tendril of hair off of my forehead, then took my chin between his finger and thumb. “Okay?”

My face relaxed, jaw unclenched. “Okay.” I held his eyes for a moment, trying to transmit the message that I wanted to leave the party and kill him for not mentioning the ex-girlfriend would be here. That was something a girl had to prepare for. If he got the message, he ignored it. “Where’s the bathroom?”

“Upstairs and to the left. Want me to go with you?”

“No. Be right back.” I flew up the stairs and found the bathroom. After locking myself in, I sat on the lid of the toilet and took deep breaths running my hands over my hair. I shouldn’t have come. None of them were interested in meeting me. They probably all wondered why he was even with me. I just wanted to disappear. I was stupid for coming.

I played with my hair in front of the mirror, noticed my birthmark seemed exceptionally red tonight, and plotted ways of getting home if I ran out the front door and never looked back.

“Lauren?” Kolton knocked on the door. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head no, but said, “Yeah. Why?”

“I thought maybe you were sick or something.”

I opened the door. “No. I’m just great.”

He smiled. “Come on.”

We went back downstairs.

“Here you go,” a guy handed me a cold bottle of beer.

“This is Matt,” Kolton said. “We’ve been friends since third grade when youth basketball started.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said.

“You too.” He pointed to a guy in the corner playing beer pong with a tall black and white striped hat on his head. “Rob’s loaded.” His face lit up, amused, and he nudged Kolton’s shoulder. “Want to bet he passes out before eleven?”

“I’m not dumb enough to take that bet.” Kolton smirked, watching Rob spill beer down the front of himself.

“Why didn’t you get a beer?” I asked.

Kolton shoved his hands into his pockets and rose up on his toes. “I don’t drink.”

I laughed and set my beer on a coffee table. “Neither do I. Just trying to fit in.”

He grabbed me from behind, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Knucklehead.” His chin rested on my shoulder, and he nuzzled his cheek against mine.

The patio doors opened, and three girls came inside wearing dripping wet bikinis. They were loud and obnoxious, laughing and slipping on the tile floor. Kolton backed off and steered me to the other side of the room giving me a clue to the identity of one of the girls.

“Tabby?” I guessed.

“I don’t want her to say anything to you. Avoidance is probably best.”

“I’m not here to avoid your ex-girlfriend, Kolton. I’m here to meet your friends.” I wheeled around and headed back toward the door where his ex, whichever one she was, stood dripping. I had no plan, just annoyance surging through me. I wasn’t going to hide from her. She would know—like everyone else here—that he was mine now.

Back where we’d been standing, Kolton stood between the door and me, laughing. “Maybe I don’t need to try and protect you, Ladybug.”

“Ladybug?” One of the tall, skinny girls stood behind Kolton. She had long dark hair and blue eyes. They could’ve been brother and sister. “That’s sweet. Daddy said you did a great job on your first day on the maintenance crew. He’s glad you’re working for him.”

I felt his mental cringe. Everybody in the room felt it from the look of it. Nobody even breathed. He was working for her dad? I was completely confused. Kolton’s eyes were closed, like he was meditating before facing the devil. Then, he turned to face her.

“That’s great, Tab.”

Tab. I wanted to gag.

“How’s your mom?” She tossed a hand on her hip and threw her hair behind her shoulder. Her face was thin, and her cheeks hollow below prominent cheekbones. Her neck was long and slender. Everything about her was…willowy. For the first time in my five foot, seven-inch life, I felt really short.

“She’s fine,” Kolton said, avoiding looking at her.

“She called and told me you missed Kyle’s appointment.” She raised her chin observing me. “This is your Spring Breaker, huh? Needed a lay with no strings attached?”

My eyes bulged—I thought they might fall out of my head. “Excuse me?”

“Tabby…” Kolton held his hand up to me and shook his head. “She’s been drinking, Lauren, and it’s not even worth it.”

Tabby smirked. “Does she know we always end up back together?”

My words caught in my throat and had to be forced out. “Then why is he’s with me and not you?”

Tabby’s lips pursed. She stuck her hands on her hips, and her sharp stare pierced my eyes. “He’s trying to get back at me. Make me jealous. You’re nothing but a pawn.”

I wouldn’t be intimidated and narrowed my eyes back at her. “A pawn in what? It’s pretty easy to see he’s not into you anymore.” I glanced at Kolton, who looked like he wanted to disappear from the face of the Earth. “He’s with me. It’s not a game.”

Kolton squeezed my arm.

“Please.” Tabby glared at me. Her lips curled at the ends like she had a secret she was about to throw at me. “As soon as your lame ass is back where it came from, he’ll be knocking on my door.”

“Tabby,” Kolton said, still calm. “Shut up. You know that’s a lie.”

“Is it really, Kolton?” She took one step and stumbled forward, ending up practically on top of him. “If I wanted you right here, right now,” she whispered, “we’d be up in Rob’s room, and she’d be waiting in your car, and you know it.” Her fingertip trailed over his chest.

He pushed her hand away. “You’re drunk. I’ve told you a million times we’re not getting back together. I’m done. It’s gone on too long, and it just doesn’t work between us.”

Tabby’s forehead creased. Her eyes glistened. “I love you,” she whispered. “I know you still love me, too.”

My chest constricted along with my fists. At the same time, I felt sorry for her. She wasn’t ready to let go. Since I never wanted to let him go either, I could empathize. But she had no choice. He was mine now.

He took her by her wrists, closed his eyes, and exhaled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Tabby’s head shook slightly, like she was denying his words. She pulled a hand free and touched his face. I watched as her finger trace the line of his chin, like she was committing it to memory.

I felt like I was intruding on a very personal moment between them, and it stung. It stung like hell. My eyes burnt with it, my jaw ached with it.

“I’m sorry,” Kolton said, one last time, tilting his face away.

Rob stumbled over in his Cat in the Hat hat. “Everybody having fun?”

Tears slid from Tabby’s eyes. She spun, covering her hands with her face, and fell into Rob’s arms, sobbing.

“What’s wrong, Tabby Cakes?” Rob crooned, stroking her hair.

“I want to leave,” I whispered in Kolton’s ear.

“It’ll be okay.”

“I’m not staying one more minute. I’ll be in the car. You can come if you want.” I marched up the stairs. He followed right behind me.

Once we were upstairs and alone, he turned me around by my shoulders. “I’m sorry. I had a feeling it might end up like this. We shouldn’t have come.”

I put my hand on my throbbing forehead. “I know. Let’s just go.”

We walked to Kolton’s car in silence. I burned in humiliation, able to hear the music, splashing in the pool, and loud, jeering girl’s voices. I hated them.

That night was a waste. Two days and precious hours left, and wasting any of it sucked.

KOLTON

The rest of the night was spent in my car, back in the beach access parking lot. I leaned my seat back enough that she could rest her head on my shoulder.

“You’re working for Tabby’s dad?” she asked. It wasn’t really a question. She already knew the answer.

“My mom asked her to get me and Kyle jobs working for her dad. I could’ve killed the woman. All I want is to be cut free from any ties to Tabby.”

“Is that why you were so upset the other night? Was it really about Tabby and not about Kyle?” Her voice was almost a whisper, afraid to ask, afraid of the answer.

“No. Lauren, you have to believe that I have no feelings left for her. I haven’t for a while. I was upset about Kyle, just like I told you.”

She turned to me and nodded, then smiled, but it only reached half of her mouth. “Why didn’t you tell me about your new job?”

I guided her head down onto my chest and ran my hand over her shoulder. How did all of these secrets pile up? I just wanted Lauren and not Tabby. It shouldn’t be this hard. “I didn’t want to talk about it, because I don’t want to be working for Tabby’s dad. I didn’t even want to think about it, let alone talk about it.”

We sat there listening to Isaac Hayes sing
Never Can Say Goodbye
, each of us lost inside our own thoughts.

I replayed the party over and over in my head. I wished I knew what Lauren’s face looked like when Tabby and I were talking, but I hadn’t even glanced in her direction. I was an idiot. I didn’t deserve her. She got dragged into this mess with Tabby, with Kyle, with a guy who had too many problems to have a girlfriend. It wasn’t fair to her.

When I dropped her off in front of her cottage, I held her for a few bittersweet minutes and took the knot out of her hair, letting it fall over her shoulders. I ran my hands through it, down over her arms. My fingertip touched the charm I’d given her. Then, I leaned in and gave her a worn out kiss. I was tired of the fight, the constant fight to keep what was mine, my brother, college, even Lauren. Nothing was easy. It was time to give up.

Her hands pressed against both sides of my face. Her lips on mine, urged me to keep fighting, encouraged me to never give up. She’d fight for us if I wasn’t able to anymore.

She revived me, and the flame inside returned, little by little. Eventually, I was back to kissing her so urgently, my hands clutched her hair.

My mind swam with visions of us together, touching, and kissing everywhere. Like she’d read my mind, her hand eased up the front of my shirt and rubbed my chest.

I wanted to reciprocate, to touch her, but my head was too messed up from tonight. I didn’t know if I should let her go for her own good, or hold on to her with both hands. I gripped her shoulders and eased her back, away from me. I had too much to think about.

I steeled myself. “You should get inside. Your mom will be worried.”

Dumbstruck, it took her a minute to realize I wanted her to get out of the car. My heart clenched with pain at the look of dejection on her face. I had to hurt her now, or she’d hurt worse later. She’d hurt as badly as I was right now.

“Bye, Lauren,” I said, my throat swollen with emotion.

“Bye,” she said, and gasped down a sob before clicking the door closed behind her.

I drove away as she climbed the steps to the front door. My Mustang’s tires kicked up sand. It swirled through the red glow from the taillights in my review mirror as I drove away, looking back, watching her.