Lobsters (26 page)

‘Oh, Sam … It's such a shame. If only you'd concentrated more on the pluperfect tense. You always said that was your weak point.'

I don't understand why parents do this. I've already let myself down – do I really need the hassle of knowing I've let someone else down too?

The beep of the text message arriving made my mum stop mid-flow and say, ‘Oh, Sam, is that …
them
?'

She thought Cambridge was texting me to say they'd made a mistake and I'd actually got in: GR8 NEWZ SAM – U IN CMBRIJ NXT YR! LOL ;-)

‘No, Mum, obviously it's not them.'

She sighed and went back to fiddling with her coffee cup. I picked up my phone and left the kitchen. It was a good excuse to get out of there for a while.

The text was from Robin. It read:

THIS IS WHY YOU NEED TO BE ON FACEBOOK YOU DICK! STELLA'S JUST UPDATED HER STATUS TO SAY: STELLA CARMICHAEL IS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH PAX SINCLAIR!!!

My heart leapt. There couldn't be anything between him and Hannah now. If there ever
had
been anything, that is. Over the past few days, my unsettling feeling about having overreacted at the festival had hardened into a grim certainty. Maybe she had fancied Pax, and maybe she'd even pulled him, but that was before that day we spent together. That day had meant something to me, and I was pretty sure it meant something to her, too. I'd let suspicion and stupidity and my permanently low-flying self-confidence mess things up with Jo; I couldn't let it happen with Hannah as well. Hannah was different. I
really
wanted her; I didn't just want to want her.

It was strange to miss someone you'd spent so little actual time
with. But I
did
miss her.

I called Robin straight away. He picked up after just one ring.

‘You get my text?'

‘Yeah.'

‘So, it looks like that Pax prick is out of the picture. Well, out of the picture for
you
, at least. He's still muscling in on my patch, apparently.'

‘I'm not quite sure how Stella qualifies as “your patch”, since you've only met her twice, but still.'

‘Come on, man – you must be pleased! There
can't
be anything going on with Pax and Hannah now. If Facebook says it, it must be true.'

‘That's excellent logic.'

‘Cheers. So …' He paused.

‘So, what?' I asked.

‘So, are we going to Stella's party tonight, now?'

Stella's party. I didn't know how I felt about that.

‘I don't know, man,' I said. ‘What are our other options?'

‘Er … We could go to Sophia Demico's party.'

I groaned. ‘You said yourself those girls are so boring.'

Robin corrected me. ‘Boring and
fit
.'

‘I could always stay in,' I offered.

Robin actually tutted. He sounded like my mum. ‘You're not
staying in
, Sam, for fuck's sake. It's results day.'

‘Yeah, and my results were rubbish.'

‘They were better than mine,' he said. ‘Technically.'

‘Yeah, but you got what you needed! And anyway, I can't just phone Cambridge and say, “In case you didn't realize, my results
were
technically
better than my mate Robin's, so that should now make me eligible for your university.” I'm fucked, man. I don't know what I'm going do.'

‘Even more reason for you to go out and get absolutely off your face.'

I considered this.

‘I do want to see Hannah again,' I said.

I thought Robin would either laugh or sigh at that statement. He didn't. He just said quietly: ‘Yeah, man. I know. That's why we should go.'

There were a few seconds where neither of us said anything. I could hear the clink and splash of Mum washing up in the kitchen.

‘I don't know,' I said, finally. ‘It seems like too much to fuck up Cambridge and get publicly rejected by Hannah in the same day.'

Robin snorted. ‘Sam, firstly that won't happen. Probably. And secondly, fucking up Cambridge could be the greatest thing that ever happens to you! It means you can come with me to the American summer camp shag-a-thon, for a start.'

A few days ago, this statement would have seemed totally laughable. Now, it suddenly seemed like a genuine option.

‘So?' said Robin. What do you reckon? You can stay inside, weeping about your B in French, or you can grab life by the nuts!'

I laughed. I genuinely didn't know what to do. I wanted Robin to make the decision for me. All I could think about was how much I wanted to see Hannah's smile again. I knew it would be awkward after the way I'd just walked off at the festival, but I
didn't care. I had to see her again. To apologize. To tell her how I felt. To try to turn that amazing day at the festival into something more substantial.

‘OK,' I said. ‘Fuck it. Let's go. We can always leave if it's shit or if there's any drama.'

Robin sighed. ‘Let's face it – with Stella and Hannah around, there definitely
will
be drama.'

16

Hannah

Stella's was packed when I arrived, and it was still early. People clearly thought this would be the most mental of all the results parties. They were right.

Tilly and I danced like crazy people to cheesy '80s music and we took photos pretending to present Oscars to actors we fancy. Stella took loads of pictures of me in my dress doing Twiggy poses.

I sang to Bob Dylan – ‘when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose' – and danced all by myself. When I finally flopped down next to Tilly on the living room floor she pointed not-very-subtly across into the kitchen.

‘I can't believe
he
came,' she said.

Charlie was standing, looking shifty, by the fridge with one of his rancid mates.

‘It doesn't surprise me,' I said. ‘I don't think he actually cares about Stella, do you?'

Tilly shook her head. ‘I know. It's just weird because now she has a boyfriend. You would think he'd feel a bit awkward.'

We watched Charlie open the fridge and take out a yogurt before tearing off its lid and digging into it with his finger.

‘I don't think Charlie is exactly a sensitive guy.'

Tilly laughed. ‘Her and Pax seem really serious, though.'

On Facebook they had been ‘in a relationship' for the last ten hours. If Charlie cared, eating Petits Filous and drinking beer with his mate, you wouldn't have known.

Nine hours ago, Pax had been sitting on my bed. But now he was gone and with no one at the party able to confirm that it had happened, I was beginning to wonder if it actually had.

I could see Grace getting stressed about the number of people streaming into Stella's house, and Ollie trying to calm her down, as usual.

‘It's not even your house and Stella clearly doesn't care,' he laughed as he put his arms around her.

Stella clearly didn't. She was right in the thick of it, like always, laughing, talking and dancing at hundred miles an hour.

It was getting so hectic and mental that I went upstairs into Stella's room and sat on the bed. It felt like a museum. Some sort of exhibition about a time that had passed. History. Collages of photos from Year 7 until now, tickets to gigs we'd been to and films we loved, napkins from restaurants on which we had written lists of the people we had kissed. For so much of my life I had felt her room was our room. Her lilac wallpaper with tiny pansies on that had gradually been eroded by posters and photos. You couldn't even see it any more. But I knew it was there. The dramatic part of me thought of leaving her a note, telling her that Pax wasn't as into her as she thought. But that felt cowardly and melodramatic. And I wanted to tell her. I felt as though I should. If I kept the secret for him it was as though I
was on his team, when of course I was on hers.

A pair of boxer shorts was lying just under the bed. It made me think of them in bed together, of Stella choosing him as her lobster, knowing Charlie didn't really want her. Not enough. And now Pax didn't either. Not enough.

And then, as if thinking about her had made her appear, there she was.

‘Hey … I saw you dancing like a crazy bitch,' she said. ‘Are you wasted? It's only like eleven o'clock, you know?'

‘No, I'm just … emotional, I guess.'

‘About what? School being over? Going there today and seeing Miss Collins just made me frickin' elated that I never have to go back.'

‘I don't know. This whole summer has been really weird.'

She came over and sat on the bed and crossed her legs.

‘You really liked Sam, didn't you?'

I nodded slowly. ‘Yeah, I really did.'

She put her head against my shoulder. ‘Life sucks sometimes.'

I nodded again. ‘Have you slept with Pax yet?' I wanted to see what she would say.

She answered in an excited whisper. ‘No, we were going to do it tonight, but he had to go home. I guess we'll have to wait till I visit him in York. It's going to be so awesome being able to see him and you in the same place.'

Going to York was my thing. It wouldn't be the same if Stella was right there in Freshers' week; if I tried to be even a little bit different, she would know.

I stared at a picture of us on her wall in a three-legged race
aged twelve, and took a deep breath. ‘Do you think Pax is your lobster?'

‘He's my lobster for now,' she said.

‘I just … I don't know … Do you really want to start uni with a boyfriend? Especially one who's on the other side of the country?' I tried to make it sound offhand but failed miserably. Her voice came out distant and cold as she moved away from me slightly.

‘What do you mean?'

‘I dunno. I didn't think you wanted a boyfriend …' It sounded so lame.

‘It's not a big deal … Why are you being weird?'

‘I'm not, I just … I really like Pax and you together … I just …'

‘Just what?'

‘I dunno … Pax …'

‘Just because Sam is a bastard doesn't mean Pax is.'

‘Sam didn't want me,' I snapped. ‘That doesn't make him a bastard.'

‘OK, so Sam can get off with another girl in front of your face and he's a nice guy, and Pax treats me amazingly but you've got a problem with it?'

In her world – where Sam was just a tortoise-munching sociopath and Pax and her were the perfect couple – she had a point.

‘I'm not saying Pax is a bad person,' I said.

‘So what are you saying?' She got up and stood in front of her dressing table, picking up lipsticks and checking what colour they were.

‘Just that … maybe he isn't right for you.'

She laughed a bit and shook her head. She still had her back to me but I could see her trembling slightly as she fiddled with a tiny pot of hand cream. ‘Oh right, I see. And who were you thinking he was right for exactly?'

‘What do you mean?'

‘Someone who thinks they're cleverer than everyone else and deeper than everyone just because they read fucking books about women killing themselves? Someone who moans on all the time about how ugly she is just so people like Tilly and Grace can kiss her arse? You knew you'd get three A's but you made us all talk about it all summer. You make yourself out to be the victim all the time, but you're not. You're just boring, Hannah. Really boring. And that's why Sam got off with Panda. That's what Pax says.'

My whole body was trembling.

‘What do you mean, “That's what Pax says”?'

Stella turned around to face me and clamped her hands to her hips. ‘Well, we were talking about why Sam would just have randomly gone off and pulled someone else, and Pax was like, “Hannah's kind of boring. Maybe he just thought he'd have more fun with that Panda girl.”'

I gripped the duvet tightly so my hands would stop shaking. Stella wasn't finished.

‘Don't fucking make out like I'm the bitch. You always do that. Go home and cry to your nan about how mean I am.'

‘I wasn't going to,' I said coldly.

Neither of us moved. Footsteps coming up the stairs made us
both flinch and then Charlie walked in.

‘Hey, ladies. Stell, I was wondering where you'd got to.' He smiled broadly. Neither of us responded so he smiled again, but this time more tentatively. ‘Everything all right?'

Stella sighed as if she was bored. ‘Hannah's just being a bit … weird.'

I picked up the overnight bag I'd left in her room and started putting the make-up I'd taken out earlier back in.

‘Yeah, that's right, Charlie. I'm just being a bit weird. Weird like making your friend wander round Kavos in her pyjamas so you could get with some guy. Weird like thinking you are the only person who has the right to buy a dress. Weird like lying about your fucking virginity for no reason whatsoever except that you're a controlling, psychotic bitch.'

I'd never lost it like that before. She just stood there. Charlie whistled under his breath as if he'd just witnessed something a bit perplexing.

‘Not everyone in the world wants you, Stella. And even if they do, they wouldn't if they knew what you were really like. Pax doesn't even want you. He came to my house today and told me.'

I saw her break. She looked almost like a child. I had destroyed her. I regretted it straight away.

‘You're a fucking liar.'

‘I thought you two were like best friends?' Charlie said, shifting his weight from foot to foot and looking at the door.

‘So did I,' I said.

‘You're jealous of me and you always will be.' Stella didn't look at me as she said it, but her voice was shaking.

‘Why don't we go downstairs and get a drink? It's a bit intense up here.'

Charlie reached his hand out and Stella took it and then they were gone.

Being in there felt wrong after that, but I didn't want to leave.

I can't function like other people. I can't
do
life. Everyone else seems to just be able to live. Have friends, look OK, have boys actually want to go out with them.

I walked into her bathroom and let the door slam shut behind me. I pressed my face up against the cold of the tiles and looked at myself in the mirror.
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
. I had nothing.

Sam

We got there late. Around 11 p.m. We could hear the party from three streets away. I don't know how Stella's neighbours let her get away with it. If I so much as strum a single chord on my acoustic guitar, Mrs Hodson from number 6 is banging on our front door within seconds.

Me, Chris, Ben and Robin had been drinking Robin's dad's Coronas for three hours beforehand, so all of us were well on the way to being fucked. I needed to be. I couldn't take seeing Hannah sober. I had no idea what was going to happen.

Weirdly, the whole not-going-to-Cambridge thing had made me feel braver, too. If I had no future, why should I worry about the present? Regardless, I kept glancing into the car windows I
passed, to make sure I looked OK.

Chris rang the bell. A wall of noise hit us as the door opened and a bloke none of us had seen before stood on the threshold. He was brandishing a half empty whisky bottle and was wearing the lid of a flip-top bin on his head, like a (literally) rubbish Dalek.

‘Yes!' he yelled at us. ‘More party people! Get the fuck inside!'

He hugged all four of us in turn as we shuffled through the door. The party was absolutely heaving. Bodies blocked the stairs, the corridors and the doors to the front room. Everywhere you turned, someone was asking, ‘How did you do?', ‘What did you get?' or ‘So, what uni are you going to?' I just prayed no one asked me.

We squeezed our way through towards the kitchen, passing that little cupboard under the stairs where I'd first told Robin and Ben about Hannah a few weeks back. It seemed like years ago.

We poked our heads into the kitchen, but there was no sign of Hannah or Stella. Or Pax or Grace or Tilly, or anyone else we knew.

‘Stella
must
be here somewhere,' mused Chris.