Lobsters (20 page)

While we just occasionally pecked each other's cheeks or held hands, Robin and Stella were running about punching, scratching and mercilessly mocking each other in an entirely unsuccessful attempt to mask the obvious sexual tension between them.

I was about six gin and tonics deep when Hannah went outside to the loo with Grace. It was just me, Stella, Tilly, Robin and Chris left sitting there. Ben had gone outside in search of Rizlas and not come back. He was almost certainly standing near a DJ booth somewhere, nodding furiously.

We were just starting another round of I Have Never when Stella suddenly jumped up off the grass and started waving her arms, trying to get the attention of a stupidly good-looking bloke who was navigating his way through the heaving, swaying crowd. He looked like the sort of guy you see in adverts for River Island. Or at the parties in
Made in Chelsea
. The sort of guy that would give Chris confidence problems. He didn't really look real.

‘Oh my god, Pax!' screamed Stella, desperately flailing her arms about as he finally clocked her. ‘This is so random! What the fuck are you guys doing here?'

Me, Robin and Chris all mouthed ‘Pax?' at each other.

‘Just when I thought Panda had the Stupidest Fucking Name at the Festival Award all sewn up,' I whispered.

‘Panda's got nothing on Pax,' Chris laughed.

‘Yeah,' said Robin, eyeing Pax up warily. ‘If your parents christen you Pax, then clearly you've got no other choice in life other than to become an absolute bell-end.'

After muscling his way through a sea of drunk and dancing bodies, Pax was suddenly upon us. Stella leapt into his (admittedly
sizeable) arms and squeezed him tightly. He didn't look totally comfortable with this; he bent his head back to avoid the most of her cheek-kisses and forced a smile that was only a centimetre away from a grimace.

‘Who the fuck is this dickhead?' whispered Robin, who had now upgraded from wary to really pissed off.

Chris and I shrugged. Robin is used to being the centre of attention in social situations. He wasn't enjoying playing second fiddle to a
Made in Chelsea
extra. I hadn't seen him this angry since Year 8 when Alex Harvey told him the Sorting Hat would have put him in Hufflepuff.

Stella didn't make the introductions. After twenty seconds of heavy flirting, she sent Pax back off to the bar, not taking her eyes off him the entire way. When he was out of sight, she sat back down next to us and sighed heavily.

‘Sorry about that,' she laughed. ‘That's Pax. A really good friend.'

‘Pax?' snorted Robin, not hiding his contempt particularly well. ‘Is that short for Tampax?'

‘No, actually,' sniffed Stella. ‘It's Latin for “peace”. What's “Robin” Latin for?'

‘It's Latin for “What kind of pretentious twat has a Latin name?”' said Robin and shot me a wink as if to suggest this was a devilishly clever comeback.

I winced at him to let him know I wasn't entirely convinced.

‘Where do you know this Pax from, then?' asked Robin, making air quote marks around Pax's name.

‘We met in Kavos. And you don't have to do that,' said Stella,
mimicking his finger punctuation. ‘It is actually his real name.'

‘I should fucking well hope so,' said Robin. ‘Being given that name is one thing. Giving it to yourself is quite another.'

‘Shut up, Robin,' Stella snapped.

Me and Chris raised our eyebrows at each other. They'd gone from newly-weds to bitter divorcees in a matter of seconds.

At this point, Pax strolled back from the bar with some equally ridiculously good-looking friends in tow, his hands and pockets clinking with bottles of pear cider. Just as Robin, Chris and I were getting ready to snub him, he handed us a bottle each.

‘There you go, guys,' said Pax. ‘I thought I'd get a round in. Any friends of Stella's are friends of mine.'

Chris and I instantly decided we couldn't go through with the snub after a gesture like that, so we leapt up and shook all their hands. Robin, however, was not to be won over that easily. He grabbed the cider off Pax but stayed sat down, which looked a bit odd as all eight of us were now standing up in a circle around him.

‘You all right down there, mate?' said one of Pax's friends.

‘Hm?' said Robin, pretending not to hear. ‘Yeah, mate, I'm cool. Just not really on a standing vibe.'

‘Too pissed to get up?' laughed another of Pax's friends. ‘Like it.'

‘I can get up if I want,' snapped Robin. ‘I'm just more into sitting down right now. I feel like standing up's been “done”.'

Chris bent down to Robin's level. ‘Robin, stop being a tit and stand up,' he hissed. ‘He's just bought you a cider.'

‘So, just because he bought me a cider, that means he's all right, does it?' Robin fired back. ‘I'm sure Hitler bought his fair share of ciders, Chris. I suppose that makes him a decent guy in
your book, does it?'

‘Yeah, good point well made,' said Chris, tousling Robin's hair. ‘You stay down there.'

Stella hadn't even noticed Robin wasn't up at her eye level. She had her sights firmly set on Pax.

‘So, oh my god, Pax,' she beamed. ‘It's been literally ages. How
are
you?' She playfully punched his massive, tanned arm. Down on the damp grass, I saw Robin wince and down half his cider in one.

Pax seemed distracted. ‘Yeah, good thanks. How are you?' Before Stella could answer, he added, ‘Where's Hannah?'

I swallowed my cider too quickly. I don't know why, but it felt weird just knowing that Hannah
knew
someone that good-looking. If she had him asking after her, what was she doing with me? But then,
I
know Stella and I guess most people would say Stella is more attractive than Hannah. Not me, though.

Stella had the same look on her face that Robin had when Pax first strolled into view. Clearly she wasn't used to being second on a bloke's agenda.

‘Oh, she's around here somewhere,' she said slowly. Then she flashed me a smile – a weird, cold smile – and turned to talk to one of Pax's mates.

Hannah

‘Fuck. What are the chances?' said Grace. ‘I can't believe they're here. I thought they lived in Devon?'

We were huddled outside the tent, considering what to do.

‘You do know we're in Devon
now
, Grace,' I said. ‘They've got every right to be here.' I wasn't thrilled to see them but it wasn't Armageddon like Grace was making out.

She wasn't listening. ‘Yeah but what are they doing here? Why are they here? I don't want to see James again. Oh, god.'

‘Grace, it's fine. Nothing's changed. Ollie isn't here. He doesn't know anything about it. Why would he ever know anything about it? There's nothing to freak out about. We'll just say hi and then leave it.'

‘What if Stella wants to get with Pax again?'

‘Well, so what? It doesn't mean you have to get off with James, does it?'

Grace shook her head, but she didn't look entirely convinced. I kind of understood her wanting to keep James frozen in her memory.

In my mind, Pax only existed in Kavos – tanned and grinning under the Greek sun. Seeing him out of that context had freaked me out a bit too. I was keeping it together in front of Grace, but I was starting to feel uneasy about how I would react when I was face to face with him again.

We decided to go to the toilet and I chatted about other stuff to take Grace's mind off James.

I put my hand in my coat pocket and felt the bag of Haribo I'd been saving to share with Sam later. We linked arms.

‘Do you feel like you and Sam are meant to be?' Grace said.

‘Yeah, I do. Because we've met again. He wasn't meant to come to Stella's party but he did. And after that I thought I'd
never see him again, but now I have. I think it's fate.'

‘He's so perfect for you, Han. He's a cool geek.'

‘And he's really kind. And he smiles after he kisses me.'

She snorted.

‘See,' I said, ‘the dream team did find Toilet Boy. We said we would and we did.'

‘Fate brought him to us … Ham is my new favourite couple.'

‘I still prefer Sannah,' I laughed.

‘OK, Sannah. Sannah is the new power-couple. I'll have to accept that Grollie has lost the top spot.'

Being out in the cold air had made me feel drunker somehow. I put my jumper on as we walked back towards the Tea Party tent. I imagined Stella was probably already pulling Pax in there. I didn't care, either. They really
were
right for each other. The same way Sam was right for me.

13

Sam

As I swallowed the dregs of my cider, I realized I hadn't been this drunk in a while. If I closed my eyes, it felt like I was on a boat. I took a few deep breaths. I needed a glass of water.

Chris had gone outside for a piss and still hadn't returned. He and Ben were lost in the festival ether. Both their phones were going straight to voicemail. Stella, Tilly and Pax's gang were all loudly reminiscing about some night out they'd had in Kavos. Robin was still sitting on the floor, moodily scrolling through his text messages. I bent down to speak to him.

‘I'm going to get some water. Do you want anything?'

He didn't look up from his phone. ‘Oh, no. I'm sure Pax the Latin Lover will sort me out with whatever I need. He's such a great guy.'

‘OK, fine.' I stood up again. ‘Let me know when your little sulk is over and we can start having fun again, yeah?'

As I trotted off towards the bar, Robin shoved his phone back into his pocket, jumped up and followed me.

‘Don't just leave me with them lot. I don't want to sit there by myself, hearing about how “mental” Kavos was.'

We muscled our way through the crowd and joined the back
of the queue at the bar. It was much busier here; bodies crushed up against us from all sides. I closed my eyes again and felt the tent spinning. I really needed that water.

As we waited in silence, pushed this way and that as the scrum edged closer to the bar, I spotted Hannah and Grace making their way back in.

Hannah looked so pretty, even from right across the tent. I loved the way she didn't barge through the crowd like everyone else; I could see her politely asking every person if she and Grace could just squeeze through.

As she approached Stella, Tilly and the rest of them, I caught sight of Pax pushing through the crowd towards her. He wrapped his arms around her waist, picked her up and twirled her around and around. He was shouting something. The tent felt hotter all of a sudden.

Hannah was laughing and shaking her head. She seemed a little overwhelmed. She made a playful effort to escape Pax's grip, but Pax held tight and kept spinning her.

Stella's mouth was hanging open. She was standing, arms folded, watching the whole thing. She had said Pax was a ‘really good friend'. Clearly he was also a ‘really good friend' to Hannah. Maybe that's all I was to her too. How many ‘really good friends' did she have?

Robin whacked me on the arm. He was finally getting served at the bar.

‘Oi! I'm getting you another gin and tonic, yeah?'

I couldn't take my eyes off Hannah and Pax. I could just about see them if I peered over the crowd on my tiptoes.

‘I just want water,' I muttered. I didn't hear his response.

Pax put Hannah down and started talking frantically at her. He still had both his hands on her waist. She moved them away gently, but he put them straight back, and she laughed. I wished I could hear what he was saying.

Robin turned round and forced a gin and tonic into my hand. ‘There you go.'

‘I said I wanted a water! I'm too pissed as it is.'

‘You can't be too pissed at a festival, Sam. That's mathematically impossible. Do you think anyone at Woodstock ever said, “Oh dear, I'd better slow down a bit. I don't want to have a headache in the morning”?' He took a sip of his own drink and finally clocked the scene I'd been staring at for the last few minutes. He lowered his glass and took it in.

‘What the
fuck
is this?'

Pax was now dancing with Hannah. Or, at least, he was
trying
to make Hannah dance with him. Hannah, still grinning broadly, was shaking her head in embarrassment, while he moved her waist in time to the tinny reggae blaring from the speakers. She kept looking around her, but she didn't stop him.

‘Who the
fuck
does this guy think he is?' snapped Robin. ‘First he's all over Stella and now he's making a move on Hannah. For a bloke whose name means peace, he seems pretty keen on causing conflict.'

I took a hefty swig of my gin and tonic. Anything to soothe my sandpaper-dry mouth.

‘They're probably just friends,' I murmured. It sounded even more stupid out loud. Pax pulled Hannah close and whispered
something in her ear. She wriggled free. For the first time since she'd seen him, her smile faded slightly. She looked around her again. I wondered if she was looking for me, hidden behind the blur of bodies at the bar. She said something to Pax and then turned and started speaking to Stella.

‘Are you going to let him do that?' Robin asked.

I didn't know what I was going to do. Did I even have any right do
anything
? Any girl in their right mind would have chosen Pax over me. I couldn't really blame Hannah for that. I considered just slinking out and going back to my tent. It felt like the school common room all over again, watching Jo fiddling with Toby McCourt's tie or messing with his hair and wanting so badly to go over and just whisk her away. But all I ever did was duck out into the corridor and stand there, feeling hot and confused, and furious at myself for doing nothing.

Before I could make a decision, Hannah was squeezing through the crowd towards us.

‘Hey!' She shot a grin at me and then Robin. ‘I wondered where you guys had got to.'

‘I just needed some water,' I said.

She wrinkled her brow, grabbed my gin and tonic off me and sniffed it.

‘You do know this isn't water, right?'

I took it back from her and downed nearly half the glass.

‘Yeah.'

Robin broke the ensuing awkward silence by clearing his throat loudly.

‘Well … If you'll excuse me, I'm going to find Ben and Chris.'
He pulled his phone out and tapped it. ‘Sam, give me a shout when you leave.'

He gave me a grim smile, pushed his way into the crowd and disappeared.

I finished my drink and dropped the plastic cup on the ground. My mouth felt drier than ever.

‘Is everything all right, Sam?' Hannah asked.

‘Yeah, fine.'

It came out too quickly, too defensively. I couldn't look her in the eye, so I just focused on the mud beneath her feet. I wished my head would stop spinning, so I could think a little more clearly.

‘OK, well … Good.' She laughed nervously.

I wanted to step towards her and touch her. To feel close to her, to feel the same way I did when we were dancing together last night. But all I could think about was the way Pax had held her by the waist. He'd done it in front of everyone too. I felt the shame of it swelling inside me. The silence built until it was unbearable.

‘Look,' said Hannah, ‘if you want to go and hang out with Robin and that lot, I don't mind.'

‘Would you rather I did that?' I directed my question at the mud, rather than at her.

‘Of course not! I want you to stay here!' She sighed. ‘Sam, what's going on? This feels weird.'

I looked up at her.

‘Yeah, sorry. Listen …' The words were off my tongue before I could yank them back. ‘Are you with that Pax bloke, or something?'
I tried to make it sound casual. I'm pretty sure I failed.

Hannah exhaled a loud laugh. ‘Oh my god, no! Sam, literally … no. The only reason I know him is because he had a thing with Stella in Kavos.' She touched my arm. ‘He's just friendly. He was just pleased to see me, that's all.'

‘Yeah,
really
pleased.' It sounded more cutting than I had intended. ‘Sorry, it just looked like there might be something between you.'

She coughed up another high-pitched, almost hysterical laugh. I hadn't realized it, but she was clearly just as drunk as I was.

‘Sam … he's with Stella. Or at least, he
was
with Stella.'

Now it was her turn to stare down at the mud. I waited for her to say more, but nothing came.

‘Is there something between you and him?'

‘Sam. My … best … friend … fancies … him.'

‘Yeah, you keep saying that but that isn't what I'm asking you.' My cheeks were burning and I could hear my heartbeat in my head.

She still wouldn't meet my eye. ‘There's nothing between us, OK?'

‘Do you fancy him?'

‘What?'

‘Do you find him attractive?'

The music seemed louder suddenly. I was shouting without even meaning to.

‘That's totally irrelevant.'

‘It's not totally irrelevant to me.'

She shook her head and sighed. ‘Well, he
is
attractive. So, yes,
I suppose I find him attractive. But I find lots of people attractive.'

‘Great.' The throbbing in my temples was building steadily. ‘Has anything ever happened between you and him?'

Her silence answered the question, but I asked it again anyway.

‘Has something happened between you and him?'

She nodded slowly, still looking down at the floor. No wonder she hadn't minded his hands all over her. She'd probably been waiting for this moment since she left Kavos.

‘So, wait … You fancy him, you've pulled him already and you've still got feelings for him?'

‘Sam, you make it sound awful. That's not how it is at all.'

‘Well, the only reason I know it's like that is because you just told me.'

‘No, I didn't. Well, I kind of did but I didn't mean it to come out like that.'

‘Well, I'm glad it did. I don't want to stay here and make a complete dickhead of myself if it's him you want and not me.'

She grabbed my shoulder and looked me straight in the eye. ‘Sam, don't be ridiculous! Of course I want you!'

I shook her hand off. I needed to get out. ‘I'll see you later. I'm going to find Robin.'

‘Sam!'

I swayed towards the exit and the crowd swallowed me up.

Hannah

I just stood still and let everyone move around me for a while.
Listening to snippets of conversations shouted over the noise. A random girl and her boyfriend asked me if I was OK and then Grace and Tilly were suddenly in front of me.

‘Are you all right?' Grace shouted. ‘We've been looking for you everywhere. Where's Sam?'

I shook my head. ‘I don't know. We had a fight. He thought Pax was hitting on me.'

‘What?
Was
Pax hitting on you?' Tilly's eyes met mine dead on.

‘No. Of course not.'

But I thought about his mouth brushing against my ear and whispering, ‘It's really,
really
good to see you. You look so fit.'

‘He was just being super-friendly like he always is. And Sam just … took it the wrong way.'

I knew it wasn't strictly the truth but I didn't really know what kind of mess the truth would lead to.

‘What? That's ridiculous. He is so out of order.'

Tilly nodded in agreement. ‘He can't get jealous when you talk to a guy your friend is getting with. That's crazy.'

I felt bad letting them think Sam was some controlling jealous psycho. But I didn't know what else to do.