Lobsters (21 page)

‘Yeah, but I feel like it might have looked a bit dodgy. I feel like I should try to find Sam and explain.' I desperately wanted to see him. To be alone with him and make him understand how much I liked him.

‘OK, let's find him then.' Grace went into practical mode. ‘He probably went to the dance tent because that's where Robin and that lot blatantly are.'

Even walking short distances in mud that deep required serious fitness. We had been trudging along for about a minute when I stumbled out of my left welly and fell into the mud. Grace pulled me up but my legs were soaked.

‘Maybe we should give up and get a pancake.' Tilly looked hopeful.

‘No, Tills, we have to find Sam,' Grace said firmly. We trudged on slowly, arm in arm, supporting each other through the quagmire when suddenly Tilly dramatically jumped in front of me and put her face right up against mine. Her eyes were huge; she looked terrified.

‘Han, shut your eyes right now.'

‘What?'

‘Hannah, let's just go back to the Tea Party tent.'

I leaned to the left so I could see past Tilly. On the other side of the field, right in the open air, with his hand down the back of her yellow hot pants, was Sam – getting off with Panda.

For a second I couldn't process it and I just kept staring. I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

If we were in a reality TV show I would have launched over and grabbed Panda's hair and got in an epic bitch fight with her. Or if I was a power woman with a
Sex and the City
career I could have coolly sauntered over, made a cutting comment and walked away. All I could feel was everyone looking at me. Waiting for me to react. But I didn't know how. I felt Grace's hand land softly on my arm as she led me away.

‘Let's just go.'

‘Where's Stella?' My voice came out like I was half asleep. ‘We
should tell her … you know … that … we're …' I trailed off.

He was kissing her neck now. She was giggling.

Grace stepped in front of me this time. ‘Don't look. What's the point? It's just some posh bitch with a fucking stupid name.'

When Grace swears it sounds ridiculous. I couldn't help looking. He was only ten metres away. ‘Let's go back and get Stella.'

So we turned around and walked back. Except for the occasional ‘Fuck, this is horrible', no one really spoke.

We found her quite quickly. I knew from her wellies. The rest of her was obscured by Pax, as they stood kissing in the corner of the tent. He didn't exactly waste much time. Tilly marched over and tapped her on the shoulder. I saw her untangle herself while Tilly explained what had happened. Pax looked almost upset, Stella looked militant. She left Pax and strode across the tent towards us.

‘I'm going to fucking
kill
that Panda bitch.'

The thing is, when Stella says it, you know it could happen.

‘I want to leave, I want to leave now.' Something in my voice stopped Stella in her tracks. She nodded and held my hand and we left.

Pax said he'd walk us back to our tent. Maybe he thought Stella would commit a violent crime if she saw Panda. On the way I heard Stella telling him that she would just do whatever I wanted to and that she would be there for me whatever. Stella will always have my back. Whatever happens between us, when something hits us from the outside she will fight until the death. I love that about her.

When we got back I expected the obligatory kiss on the cheek,
but Pax gave me a proper hug and said, ‘Shit, Hannah, I hope you're OK.' If he felt any awkwardness about what had happened earlier, it didn't show. I still couldn't figure out if he was Mr Darcy or Mr Wickham. Maybe it was possible to be both?

We all talked it through, over and over, and decided to sleep in one tent for solidarity. Lying in our sleeping bags eating the Haribo, we just repeated the same conversation.

‘I wish one of us had some battery so you could call your mum.'

It was weird how Grace sensed I wanted to talk to Mum. Thinking about her and Dad was what started me crying.

I wriggled further into the sleeping bag. Listening to my friends hate Sam was sort of comforting because it helped to drown out the thoughts in my head.

‘He's a complete prick.'

‘And a psychopath.'

‘Definitely. Or maybe a sociopath. We did them in AS. He would probably have chopped you up and fed you to a tortoise.'

Stella cut in. ‘Or an evil, whore-fucking twat who gets off on trying to break people's hearts.'

Hearing her say ‘trying' made me know he had. Or maybe it was
my
fault for saying that horrible hurtful stuff about Pax. I kept replaying it in my mind but with me saying different things that made it better not worse. Everything was completely fucked.

Everyone talked and talked until they dropped off to sleep. I lay in the quiet, listening to the rain and people walking back to their tents, and Grace talking in her sleep like she has done ever since Year 7.

I just wanted to evaporate. To disappear. To just never have been there in the first place. I felt in my pocket for the Polaroid. I could smell the mud. It smelt like Sam.

Sam

It was a long journey back from the festival. I mean, obviously, it was the same distance as the journey
to
the festival, but it seemed a lot longer.

Ben was passed out next to me in the back of the car. In fact, thinking about it, I have no memories of Ben being conscious for longer than about an hour during the entire weekend. Robin and Chris sat up front arguing about which route we should take to avoid traffic while I stared out of the window at the houses and trees flicking past.

I would have told them to shut up but I was quite enjoying the distraction; their bickering gave me something to concentrate on besides the big fucking mess that was my life.

Everything had been going so well. I should have known it couldn't last. That's the good thing about being a pessimist – if things go well, that's great, and if things don't go well, then at least you can say you predicted it.

I always manage to cock everything up in one way or another. I definitely cocked up that French exam, which means I also cocked up my chances of getting into Cambridge. I
literally
cocked up my one actual opportunity to lose my virginity with Erin. If I didn't find a way to cock up my work experience next
week, it would be a miracle.

Worst of all, though, I cocked everything up with Hannah.

It really
was
like the common room all over again. I just walked out of the tent. I couldn't deal with it any more. Of course she wanted Pax. Every girl in there wanted him. I kept thinking of him leaning into her, with his big stupid bronzed hands on her waist. And her just standing there, smiling back at him.

I barged through the crowd, spilling about fifteen people's drinks en-route. I'm surprised no one punched me.

I felt drunker than ever. I needed to find Robin and Chris. I also needed to find a glass of water. I didn't manage to find any of them.

My phone was still dead, so I couldn't call anyone. Once I was outside, I decided to head towards the dance tent. I was almost certain to find Robin or Ben, stoned and head-nodding in there. Chris could have been anywhere – and with anyone – by then.

I'd only made a few stumbling steps when I saw a pair of bright yellow hot pants lighting up the path in front of me.

In the middle of the field, shaking her iPhone madly at the sky, was Panda. She spotted me and grinned. She stuffed her phone back into her bag and smoothed down the wispy, strawberry blonde hairs that had wriggled free from her topknot.

‘Hey, Sam! I was wondering when I'd run into you again. I'm having an absolute reception nightmare. I can't find my mates and my phone's not working.'

I approached her, my feet feeling increasingly unsteady. ‘Me too. I've lost everyone and I'm totally out of battery.'

She took her phone back out and starting waving it up at the
stars again. ‘I'm trying to download this really cool app that's supposed to help you get reception at a festival.' She stopped waving and checked her phone. ‘But I can't download it because I haven't got any reception.'

I nodded. ‘It's catch-22.'

She looked confused. ‘No, I think it's called the Festival Reception App.'

‘Right. Sure.'

I was just about to wish Panda good luck with her undownloadable download and carry on to the dance tent when I thought about Hannah and Pax and what they might be doing right now. That image of him leaning in to whisper in her ear stopped me in my tracks.

I was fed up with letting the Paxes and Toby McCourts of this world have all the fun. Why should I spend my life ducking out of common rooms and festival tents while they got exactly what they wanted? What about what
I
wanted?

Instinctively, I lurched forward and put my hands on Panda's hot-panted waist.

Panda stopped waving her phone about and looked at me. A smile spread slowly across her face.

‘Hello, Mister!' she laughed. ‘You're a little bit forward tonight, aren't you?'

I took a deep breath and leaned into her, just like Pax had leaned into Hannah. She giggled.

‘So, you pull me two days ago and then just
expect
to be able to pull me again whenever you like, is that it?'

I nodded. Her smile widened. She put her hands on my waist.
It felt good. Well, not
good
, but … better. This was what I'd been missing out on all my life. This was why the world was ruled by Paxes and Tobys; they saw what they wanted and they took it.

Then I kissed her. And she kissed me back. There was no emotion in it, just drunkeness and confusion. Closing my eyes brought the seasick feeling straight back, so I kept them open. I watched a group of blokes all dressed as WWE wrestlers staggering past as Panda massaged my tongue with hers. She tasted like cigarettes and falafel. It felt so different to kissing Hannah that I couldn't even believe it was the same verb.

Hannah

My nan picked a movie and then I picked a movie. She picked
An Officer and a Gentleman
, I picked
Finding Nemo
. She picked
Pretty Woman
, I picked
The Princess Bride
, and so on.

Nan always takes loungewear seriously. ‘You never know who's going to knock at your door,' she says.

Today she was wearing matching lime green trousers and a top with a sequinned kettle and cup of tea on it. I'd been back from the festival for three days, but I hadn't taken off my Moomin sleepsuit once. Joe was staying at his mate's and Mum and Dad were at work.

I knew watching the orgasm bit in
When Harry Met Sally
wouldn't be as awkward with Nan as Mum. I've heard my Nan say ‘blowjob' before. And she views a DVD as a backdrop for a
chat more than an event in itself.

‘How is that Stella anyway?' she asked.

‘Yeah, really good.'

‘I bet she can be a piece of work, though?'

‘Sometimes, I guess.'

‘She's a pretty girl, but those kinds of looks fade. She's got a face like a mouse, if you ask me.'

‘She's my best friend.'

‘Still got a face like a mouse. She's not beautiful like you.'

I couldn't hold it in.

‘Stop it, Nan. Stop trying to make me feel better. I'm not an idiot. I can see myself. I
know
how I look. Trying to make me feel better about being ugly just makes it worse.'

‘What is going on? You're a beautiful girl. You've got lovely eyes.'

Lovely eyes. That is the worst. I bit my lip.

‘I'm going to read upstairs.'

I tramped to my room and just sat on the bed looking out of the window and leaving Nan still watching
When Harry Met Sally
. Like she's witnessed a million people stomp out of a room, like she's Old Father Time.

I replayed the Sam/Panda moment in my head constantly, and systematically hated him, then her and then myself. After everything that had happened between us at the festival, after we almost lost our virginities to each other, he just went straight out and pulled her. It made me question everything about anything ever.