With her head still buried in her pillow she said,“Your father wanted you to make it to the Olympics more than anything in the world, you HAVE to go, for your father.” I knew she was right, but everything hurt so much.
“Are you coming with us mom, please?”
“I can’t, forgive me Honey.”
“There’s nothing to forgive mom. We have to get ready to say bye to him now.”
“I don’t want to say good-bye,” she shook.
“Be strong mom, you can do this, for him,” I encouraged. She rolled off her bed and trudged to their bathroom which still had his cologne, aftershave and razors scattered over the countertop from when he was getting ready to go out to dinner. Mom didn’t move any of his mess. She hated it when he wouldn’t put his things away in the drawers. They used to bicker about it. I missed the bickering.
I threw a suitcase together and hung my dresses in the hanger bags before getting into the shower and dressing in all black. Dad loved me in black so I was going to wear my black rhinestone dress for him for both programs. I knew he would be happy to see it on me. He had to see it on me, wouldn’t he?
Ryan and Sara said they would meet us at the Simple Alternative funeral home. They were very accommodating to us under such duress. A chauffeured limousine picked us up, there was a bouquet of roses wishing condolences laid in the limousine from Jeremy and Adam.
When we got their, we closed the doors. Daddy always told me to never say what happens behind closed doors, but in this case, it was worth the exception. My mother and I couldn’t bring ourselves to talk, it was just too hard. Sara started it for us by telling everyone how cordial and supportive he was. Ryan spoke about how he called him son and the look of pride in my dad’s eyes when he saw the lift for the first time. Ryan looked at the open coffin and told dad, that our performance this weekend would be for him. Tara and Sierra said words about how he was like a father to them. I’m glad my father never found out what a disappointment they were. He deserved better than them.
The limousine took us to the gravesite. Ryan, Jeremy, Adam, and three of dad’s friends from work volunteered to be pallbearers. Media were standing at the gates respecting their distance, but just their presence and maggot like behaviour bothered me.
I had to believe that he was somewhere else rather than in a dark hole all by himself. His spirit had to be in heaven or wherever it goes, somewhere warm and bright, where love flew freely in the air, not here, just not here.
Words were said and then we began to go our separate ways. Ryan took my hand and led me to his Mercedes. That’s when the paparazzi tried to shove their microphones and camera’s into our faces. Ryan fought them off like Sir. Galahad and drove us to the airport, ensuring my luggage was transferred from the limousine to his Mercedes.
We boarded our plane and the flight attendants and captain went through their usual spiel. When the plane finished its takeoff I decided it was time for him to know I know, “I know,” I told him before looking away.
Two words packed such a powerful punch, nothing more had to be said. It was the last time I looked at him. I had no will to cast my eyes in his direction, I either looked out the window or closed them.
Ryan got our baggage while I hid from reporters. He came to get me when the car was ready to take us to the hotel. When we got to the hotel we checked in, only ever leaving if we had to go on the ice. I didn’t have an appetite but I knew I had to eat for energy, so Ryan would order in healthy food that I would pick at.
It was time for us to compete so I dressed in my black rhinestone dress for Daddy and we went to the arena. Coach Hicks was supportive but even he was at a loss, “Do your best,” he said in a broken voice hugging me with tears in his eyes. Seeing HIM with tears in his eyes was hard, really hard.
We skated a clean short program so our work was half done. The crowd had to be aware because even though a performance was clean it wasn’t perfect and they gave us a standing ovation.
Ryan brought me back to our room where I picked at more food before taking a shower and going to sleep. He didn’t wake me until it was time to leave again, this time it was for our final performance.
We stood on the ice facing each other before our program started. He mouthed, ‘This is for your dad,’. I nodded back to him.
The music began and we were in the zone, every move we made was better than anything we ever done in practice. Our moves were concise showing beauty, strength, and agility, everything my father stood for.
We completed four and a half minutes flawlessly skating our personal best. The music stopped and everyone jumped to their feet including the judges. I crumbled to the ground in an anguish only my father would have understood because he wasn’t here to see us. Ryan picked me up off the ice and carried me to the Kiss and Cry where Coach Hicks was waiting for us in tears.
We won.
Cameraman and photographers were taking pictures of us from all angles while reporters from every country lined up to talk to the Canadian couple that suffered an unspeakable tragedy before heroically winning an Olympic gold medal.
To be continued..