In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series) (3 page)

Jolts of electricity surge through both of my shoulders as
strong hands grab me and pull me back to an upright position. “Hey there
sweetness, watch out. You don’t know who you can run into back here.” a deep
voice said as I look up into the most intensely green eyes I have ever seen.
This can’t be happening to me. I can’t be standing here with Mr. Brooding
Stare’s hands on me.

“I, uh, um, excuse me. I’m sorry.” I mumble as I try to walk
past him. He hasn’t moved his hands, but he maneuvers us to the side of the
hall and my back is very close to the wall. I’m starting to feel trapped, but
at the same time, I feel safe with him.

He moves his body closer to mine. He is so tall. I have to
crane my neck to look up to his face despite my four-inch heels. He is even
more handsome than I originally thought. A small dimple is set deep in his
right cheek and pops as a little smirk forms on his lips. Oh, those lips. They
look so full and soft. He has high cheekbones, and a strong jaw that is covered
with a day’s worth of dark stubble. His face is so close to mine. He bends down
until I can feel his lips near my earlobe. He licks his lips and says
“Sweetness, you trying to get away from me? Come on, I don’t bite.” He pauses
then adds, “Hard.”

My mouth drops open at that comment and I am at a complete
loss for words. Did he just say that? I back away from him until my back hits
the wall. I place my hands flat against the wall as if I can crawl inside and
disappear. I look down and away again. If I keep looking into those emerald
pools I will crumble right here. What is wrong with me? I can feel my face
flush. “No, I was just going back to my table.” I answer, and I try to shrug
off his hands that are
still
on my shoulders, although they have crept
closer down to my arms.

I start walking in the direction I was going when he grabs
my elbow again. “Sweetheart, the tables are that way.” He says pointing back
over his shoulder, that smirk on his lips turning into a full-blown smile.
Shit! I was still heading to the restrooms.

Looking back up at him I smile shyly, “Yeah, I’m just going
to the ladies room, then I’ll go back to my table.” Why on earth I felt the
need to tell him that, I have no idea.

I scurry down the hall and run into the restroom and right
into a stall. I shake my head to try to clear the fuzziness. I take care of my
business and splash some water on my face to try to cool my flaming cheeks. I
take a few deep breaths before I walk back into the hallway. It’s starting to
get late, and I’m hoping that Michelle and Gabbi will be ready to leave soon.
My night has been eventful enough; I don’t think I can take anymore.

Okay, just get to the tables and tell Michelle you’re
ready to go. You came out, had a drink, and spent some time in the real world.
That should make her happy.
I talk to myself as I’m weaving around people,
I don’t notice that damn man is still leaning against the wall where I left him
until I’m right in front of him again. He has his hands in the pockets of his
jeans, and one leg is bent with his foot braced on the bricks behind him. My
steps falter as I take in the sight before me. His jeans are stretched tight
over his thighs, those rips showing off the tan skin underneath. His arms shoot
out lightening fast as he grabs my waist to steady me again.

My hands come up to rest on his strong chest as he chuckles
“Well, well, you seem to be falling for me, aren’t you sweetness?” He looks
down at me, and my breath leaves my body in a rush. He knows what he’s doing to
me, even though I’m not sure what that is myself. “Since you can’t seem to stay
on your feet without me, allow me to escort you back.” He says as he attempts
to guide me down the hall with his hand still around my waist.

Words fail me as I let him lead me. I look up to see
Michelle wearing the biggest grin on her face and her eyes are as wide as
saucers as she takes in my companion. I cringe because I know what’s coming.
“Nae-Nae! Where have you been! And who is your friend?” she shrieks when we get
to the table. She is beyond tipsy but she knows exactly who my “friend” is.

“Damn it Michelle, stop calling me that! I’m ready to go.
Are you coming with me? Where’s Gabbi?” I quickly snap reaching for my clutch
on the table. I turn to hear Mr. Brooding Stare laughing at me. I’m sure he
thinks Michelle’s nickname for me is ridiculous.

Michelle is still smiling like an idiot looking at my
“friend” when she reaches her hand out to introduce herself. She is completely
ignoring my questions. “Hello there, I’m Michelle. And you are…” she tilts her
head to the side. I can’t believe she is flirting with him! Can’t she see how
uncomfortable I am?

The deep voice behind me sounds too close. “I’m Connor,
Connor Reeves. Thanks for coming out to see the band tonight.” He says leaning
over my shoulder as he extends his right hand out to shake Michelle’s hand. His
left hand is still placed firmly on the small of my back. Connor stands back up
behind me, but leans down and whispers in my ear “Nae-Nae, can I talk you into
a dance before you leave?”

Chills run down my spine, but I try not to let him see me
shiver. I move away from his touch and turn to face him. “My name is Lynae, not
Nae-Nae, and no, I’m sorry, but I’m just leaving.”

Connor smiles at me and takes two steps towards me, erasing
the space gained between us by my two steps back. “Babe, just one little dance.
I’m sure you can wait five more minutes before you head home. Besides, I don’t
see, what was her name? Gabbi? You have to wait on her if y’all are leaving.
Right, Michelle?” He asks her without looking away from me.

Connor doesn’t wait for an answer, he takes my clutch out of
my hand, gives it to Michelle, and leads me to the dance floor. He keeps his
hand on my back as we weave through the crowd. The DJ has taken over the music
again. Obviously, because the lead singer of the band that was playing tonight
is currently standing directly behind me, and when I say directly behind me, I
mean his chest pressed against my back. The safe feeling I had before is coming
back to me. I can’t explain it.

I turn around to face him; I guess I’m just going to have to
get this over with. One dance won’t kill me. Besides, this should get Michelle
and Gabbi to leave me alone for a while. Not only did I go out with them
tonight, I actually interacted with someone other than them, my coworkers, and
patients.

Just because I don’t go out and dance, doesn’t mean I can’t
dance. Back home, Sly and I would dance around my house all the time, and I do
go to this amazing hip-hop aerobics class at the gym. I have hips, and I know
how to move them. I start moving to the music. I’m not sure what song is
playing, but I can move to just about anything. I try to keep my distance, I’m
not sure if I would be comfortable with his hands on me anymore than they
already were.

Connor grins down and stalks closer to me. He has other
ideas in mind. He grabs my hips and pulls them flush against him. Connor bends
his knees slightly and moves one of his legs between my legs and gyrates in
sync with my body. This man can dance. I wouldn’t have thought that a man who
sings with a rocker edge to him could move to this type of music. I tentatively
put my hands up on his arms. I can feel the strength of his muscles in his
thick biceps as he moves his arms around my waist to hold my hips closer to
him.

I close my eyes. I let the music wash over me. I go back to
a time when I could feel free and happy. I inhale a deep breath and I can’t
believe how good Connor smells. He has this musky, clean scent. I can’t
describe it other than it being the smell of a “man.” His cologne is strong,
but it seems also that I smell something that is distinctly him. I tilt my head
back going with the flow of the music. I can do this, I feel safe in his arms.

Connor is holding me close. His left hand grips tightly to
my hip as his right hand is moving up my side over my ribs. I keep my eyes
closed trying to live in the moment. Suddenly my eyes snap open and my heart is
pounding in my throat. Connor has moved his hand to rest right above my
collarbone. His thumb is on one side of my neck and the rest of his hand is on
the other side. It feels as if someone has just poured ice water on me. My
spine becomes ramrod straight. I have a ringing in my ears. My breathing
becomes shallow. I feel faint, and I can feel the tears pricking at the corners
of my eyes. I’ve stopped moving.

“Lynae, babe. What’s wrong?” I vaguely hear Connor asking
me, but it sounds like I’m under water. It’s not his face that I see when I
look up. It’s dark brown eyes and shaggy blonde hair that is staring down at me
in my mind, and I have the same fear that I felt eight years ago. Connor has a
strong hold on my shoulders. He’s moved his hands from my hip and neck, and
he’s looking at me like I’m crazy. His eyes are searching mine.

“NO!” I scream and yank my body away from him. I run through
the crowd on the dance floor, bumping into people as I try desperately to get
away. I burst out the doors of the club. Luckily a cab is already idling at the
curb. I hop in and tell the driver where to take me. My entire body is shaking.
I can’t make it stop.

The cab pulls to a stop in front of my building. Luckily, I
stashed a couple of twenty-dollar bills in my bra before we left the house. I
didn’t want to be without money if my clutch got misplaced. I hand the money
over to the driver and climb out. Shit! I don’t have my keys! I go through the
doors to my apartment building, get on the elevator and ride up to the fifth
floor. Mrs. James should be up still. That woman never sleeps.

I knock on my neighbor’s door and step back to wait. She
comes to the door a few seconds later. It doesn’t appear that I have woken her
up. “Mrs. James, I left my keys at Michelle’s house, can you let me in with my
spare?” I ask. I’m hoping my voice isn’t wavering as I try not to look her in
the eye. I’ve managed to keep the tears at bay for now. My chest still feels
tight. I can still feel his hand around my neck.

Mrs. James smiles knowingly, she doesn’t ask me any
questions. She just reaches over to the hooks beside her door and hands me my
spare key. I mumble my thanks to her and head next door to my apartment.

I let myself in, lock the door behind me and sink to the
floor. I curl up into a tight ball and the tears begin to fall. My chest is
heaving as my sobs rack through my body. It feels like I’m right back in my
room eight years ago.

At some point during the night I made it back to my bedroom.
I am still in my clothes from the previous night and lying only under the
comforter on the bed. I lift my head off the pillow as I hear a loud banging on
my bedroom door.

“Lynae! Open the damn door right now!” Michelle yells
through the door. She used my actual name. She’s pissed.

Why is she banging on my door instead of just barging in
like she usually does? She has a key to my apartment and always makes herself
at home. I turn my head in the direction of the door and notice that for some
reason I had turned the lock. I crawl out of bed and shake my head. “I’m
coming! Hang on!”

I make my way into the bathroom and look at myself in the
mirror. My eyes are red and puffy. “Oh God!” I groan. I sink to the floor
remembering my breakdown last night and start shaking. I can’t let Michelle see
me like this. She doesn’t know about Matt. Hell, Sly doesn’t even know what
happened, and he was one of the first people I saw after it happened. He only
knows that we went on a few dates, and then I didn’t want anything to do with
him anymore. Luckily I only had to endure seeing Matt at school for a few
months before he graduated and moved away. Sly became the only male friend that
I would allow near me.

I splash some water on my face to calm myself down. I
quickly strip out of my wrinkled clothes. A pair of yoga pants and a cami are
laying draped across the footboard of my bed, so I pull those on and walk out
to an angry Michelle pacing my living room floor.

“What the fuck happened to you last night? I mean,
seriously!” She starts in on me until she sees my face. “Oh my God! Lynae! Have
you been crying? What happened?” she asks running over to me grabbing my hands.

Well, I guess my eyes are still puffy. “Um, nothing. I just
had to get away that’s all. Nothing happened.” I try to play it off. “I had a
really bad headache and my feet were killing me.”

Michelle doesn’t look like she’s buying my lies. She guides
me to sit down on the sofa, still holding my hand. “Connor, I think that was
his name, came over and said you flipped out and took off running. What did
that bastard do to you? I swear! If he touched you, I’ll kick his ass!” she
growls.

I lean my head back on the sofa and sigh. I can’t tell her
what happened. I honestly don’t understand it myself. I was just dancing,
trying to let myself go. I had initially felt this safe feeling with Connor’s
hands on me. I felt protected. I felt connected to him. I had a warm, secure
feeling. My heart was fluttering, but not in panic or anxiety. The tingles
along my spine were from excitement, not terror. Then, all of the sudden, I was
seeing Matt’s face in front of me. I was feeling Matt’s hand around my neck. I
shudder at the thought.

“Connor didn’t do anything. Honestly. Michelle, I’m fine.
Just let it go. I don’t wanna talk about it.” I beg her.

Why did Connor feel the need to tell the girls I took off
running? I vaguely remember him asking me what was wrong. It’s starting to come
back to me. We were having fun. For the first time in a very long time, I
didn’t feel like I had to hide myself away from a man. I felt like my walls
could come down, even if just a little. Whatever connection I had felt with
him, it doesn’t matter now. I won’t be seeing him again. Even if I did happen
to run into him somewhere, I’m sure he would be running the other way and not
look back. And why this is bothering me, I really don’t know. Do I want to see
him again? Do I want to let him in? I think the answer to that is “Yes.”

Michelle knows when to let
things go with me. She knows that if I decide to bury a subject, I will not be
revisiting it. “Okay bitch, let’s go running!” She grabs my hand and hauls me
back off the couch.

~

We run along the battery admiring the Charleston harbor. I
love it down here. I always wanted to live close to the water. I was so happy
when I got accepted to school here. I remember going to Charleston as a child
with Momma. Her family was from this area.

I’m not really into running, but I go along with it to make
Michelle happy. I’ll walk along the beach or battery all day, but running is
just a chore for me. Let me pound on a punching bag in my kickboxing class any
day. I think those and my aerobic classes are what help me keep my curvy figure
without actually being fat. After we complete our usual course, we stroll
through Waterfront Park and plop down on a swing overlooking the water.

“So, are you going to really tell me about it, or are you
going to pretend that nothing happened last night?” Michelle asks. “I saw the
way you were looking at him when he first started singing. I’ve never seen that
look in your eyes before.”

Great! So she did see, and now she doesn’t want to let it
go. “I don’t know. I thought I felt something there for a moment, and then I
realized it was nothing. My feet were bothering me, I was tired, and I didn’t
want to make you leave. I knew you and Gabbi were having fun, and I was fine.”
I lean my head on her shoulder and continue rocking the swing with my legs.
“Let’s go get some greasy food! I feel the need for bacon and sausage and
pancakes!”

We head over to our favorite little breakfast café along the
battery and grab a table outside. I want to enjoy the morning a little more
before it gets too hot. Being right along the water, there is a bit of a breeze
coming by, so it is actually comfortable right now. I also don’t think that the
restaurant would appreciate us in our running shorts and tank tops inside. Our
bodies are covered, but I think they would prefer real clothes as opposed to
workout attire. On our walk over to the café from the pier, we called Gabbi to
see if she wanted to join us, but she groaned some unrecognizable response and
hung up on me. Oh well, she will miss out on the best cinnamon buns ever then.

My phone buzzes on the table and I look down at the caller
ID and see Sly’s squished face looking back at me. He thought it would be funny
to take a picture of himself with his face smashed against a window to make it
look like he was trapped inside my phone when his picture popped up. “Hey doll
face!” I greet him with a mouth full of bacon. I’m not sure he can truly
understand what I just said.

“Woman! You coming to see me this weekend or not?” He asks
loud enough for Michelle to hear too.

Michelle snatches the phone out of my hand. “No, hot stuff!
She’s mine this weekend! You can have her next weekend! I thought we worked out
our joint custody agreement a while ago. I get her Labor Day weekend, and you
get her over Thanksgiving weekend.”

I love how my two friends think I’m their child to share
sometimes. At first I thought Sly would be upset that I found someone to fit
into the best friend roll here, but he accepted it perfectly. I think they
secretly have a thing for each other, but neither one of them are willing to admit
it, and with the distance issue, I can sort of understand why. I can hear Sly
laughing on the other end. “Yes, dear. I remember now. You’ve just been hogging
my girl and I miss her. You know, she can bring your annoying ass too! I can
put up with you for a few days if need be.”

Michelle and Sly continue to talk and I lean back in my seat
to finish my breakfast. I ordered one of the giant cinnamon buns, and it has
just arrived. I swear that these are the best cinnamon buns around. They are
practically bigger than your head, and the icing is all gooey and melty! Yum!

I barely wait for the waiter to set the plate down before I
dig in and pull a large piece off. Just as I’m licking the icing off of my
fingers I get a familiar tingle going down my spine. With my finger still in my
mouth I look up and see Connor standing across the street staring at me. His
eyes are burning like fire. He looks like he wants to devour me.