Imperfectly Real (A Series of Imperfections) (14 page)

“It’s no big thing, Tyler. I just wanted to thank you guys for your hospitality.” I giggled as she stumbled over the word ‘hospitality’ … knowing that she was thinking of my ‘hospitality’ in particular. It made me happy.

I opened my stock Christmas card that was casually signed,

I smiled and picked up the small gift that had been slipped into the card. I held the plain white magnet between my fingers and examined it. There on the front was the outline of the borders of the great state of Maine. But the real kicker to the gift were the words inside the shape of the state. I wondered if it was meant to be a joke, or if it signified something greater. I read them again. ‘My Heart Belongs In Maine’.

Shane and I busied ourselves picking up the endless mounts of wrapping paper—having kids around during holidays certainly created more work. Mr. and Mrs. Sloan were slowly gathering their things to head back to their hotel for the evening, and I found myself hoping that Elizabeth would be staying with us. I wanted to be around her every chance I could because the fact of the matter was I didn’t know how long this would last, and I wanted to feel these feelings as much as possible.

As if sensing my optimism, Mrs. Sloan interrupted my thoughts. “Elizabeth, will you be joining us at the hotel?” Damn it, the woman could even cut people’s thoughts down.

Elizabeth looked up from scrubbing the countertops to speak to her mother. “No, I’m going to stay here and help Emma tidy up. I’ll meet you and Daddy at the airport tomorrow.”

Yes!

Now I just had to come up with a way to get some time alone with her without alerting anyone. If worst came to worst, I could always sneak into my room, where I knew she would be staying since I’d offer it up to her. No one should have to sleep in Rob’s room unprotected—God knows what you could catch in there. I just knew I had to talk to her. It was becoming obvious that my feelings were taking control of the situation and if I was honest, I was starting to doubt that I could stand the guessing game much longer. I needed to start figuring shit out … before I lost my mind.

Mr. and Mrs. Sloan left and the rest of the evening was uneventful. The girls put Felix and Emily to bed and we spent the remainder of the night finishing off my famous eggnog while watching the endless marathon of Chevy Chase’s “Christmas Vacation”. Emma and I took turns repeating lines of the movie—we knew it like the back of our hands. When we were younger it was our go-to movie—Christmas or not. I still said ‘eat my road red liver lips’ whenever the opportunity arose.

Sitting in the living room with Emma and Shane, I knew Elizabeth was waiting for our moment just as much as I was—we just wanted to be alone. But with each passing hour, I slowly began to realize that we may not get it.

“So, Liz,” Emma eventually piped up, “how would you feel about extending your trip a day?”

“Well … I …” Elizabeth flushed, obviously trying to contain her excitement. I hated it, but I was too. “Why?” she finally managed to ask.

“I have an appointment at Kleinfields … to try on wedding dresses.” Emma grinned slyly at Shane, who was already smiling from ear to ear. “I was going to have Tyler go with me, but you’re really the only person I know that would appreciate the day. In fact, you’ll probably have more fun than I will.”

I laughed. Emma was right—she would be miserable all day at that bridal shop, people fussing over her. Emma sensed that Elizabeth was contemplating her next move. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine, but just know that you’ll be sending Tyler into battle for you if you don’t come.” She’d pulled out the big guns, and I was panicked.

Suddenly it wasn’t so funny anymore and my ears pricked up. “Jesus, Half-Pint, please, you have to stay. Do me a solid. I can’t handle that!”

Elizabeth chuckled. “Calm down will you, Tyler. Of course I’ll stay, Em. I’m just happy that you asked.” I relaxed and watched Elizabeth smile. She appeared to be truly joyous at the thought of spending the day with her sister. I knew deep down that she adored Emma. I was reminded of what Elizabeth had said before about Emma, and I knew that she wanted nothing more than to just spend time with her sister. I wondered if Em knew how much Elizabeth truly cared for her.

Finally Shane stood up from the futon and said goodnight. Emma followed closely behind him. I swear you could feel the anticipation mounting between us while we watched, with baited breath, for them to leave. We silently watched T.V. while we listened to them go through their nightly routines, my foot tapping impatiently on the hardwood floor. Eventually, I saw the lights turn off upstairs and before their door clicked shut, Elizabeth was on the beanbag, her arms wrapped tightly around me. It felt better than it should have.

“Thanks for my magnet,” I muttered as I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist and pulled her further onto my lap. “I love it.”

She clicked her tongue. “I saw it and instantly thought of you.”

“Do you mean it?” I asked hopefully. I didn’t need to explain what I was thinking any further to her. She’d bought the damn magnet for me knowing fully what it would signify. She knew better than anyone else how I had been feeling since I’d confided in her during my last trip to Maine.

She bit her lip and sighed. “I don’t know, Tyler. It’s so confusing for me. I wish it was simpler. I know that you’ve made me feel more alive than I have in, well … forever.” She looked at me with tears in her eyes. I could tell she was feeling what I was feeling, but she had more to consider. For me there was no choice. It was easy. It was her. “But what about Emily?” she finally asked.

I knew what she was asking—she’d hinted at it before, but was I responsible enough? Even though I didn’t think I was ready to be a father-figure, I knew I was good with kids—Felix was proof of that. I loved that little guy, and that was all that mattered. Besides, Emily was part of Elizabeth and if I thought I loved her then surely I loved Emily too?

I leaned forward and cupped her face in the palms of my hands. “I could do it. I could play the part …” I took a deep breath, “If it meant I could be with you. She’s part of you, Liz. I don’t know what this is, but I know that I think about you every fucking second of every day.” I dropped my hands from her face and scrubbed my face. This was more difficult than I had imagined. “You consume me and I hate it. I hate it because I know you’re not mine. Just today, it drove me insane not knowing if I would see you, but at the same time I knew I had no right to wonder.”

Before I could continue with my plea, her lips crashed onto mine. Without a doubt, I knew I was slowly losing myself to her but I had to finish before I lost the nerve. Breathless, I pulled away from her. “Liz, I need you to understand that from the moment I saw you sitting on that fucking piece of shit futon, I knew you were
it
for me. There’s something about you being back in my life that I can’t ignore.”

“Tyler …” she started to plead.

My hand shot up and fisted in my hair in frustration. “Fuck. What I’m trying to say is that the fact of the matter is, I’m jealous as hell of
him
. He gets the parts of you that I don’t … the sleepless nights, the fighting, the making up. I realize now that I want all of it, with you, and it kills me that I can’t.”

She placed her hand on my cheek and sighed as her eyes pierced mine. Moments passed and I wanted her to say something … anything. I wanted her to admit that she felt it too. Finally she stood from my lap and wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I should go to bed,” she muttered as she turned away from me.

Frustrated, I grabbed her by the wrist. “I should go to bed?” I questioned. I didn’t want to be angry, but I was. I’d laid it all out for her and I got nothing in return. “You have
got
to be kidding me, Half-Pint. I pour my heart out to you, and
that’s
what I get in response! Honestly, I don’t even know why I bother?!”

“Please, Tyler, I’m not ready. I just need more time,” she breathed, pulling her hand from mine. Defeated, I fell back onto the beanbag. “Things aren’t that easy for me, Tyler. You know that just as well as I do. I need you to be patient.”

I felt her drift further from me. She was walking away, taking all of my emotions and dreams with her. There I sat, unsure of where I stood. So I did what any lovesick puppy would do, I pleaded into the darkness. “Stay with me. Please?” I hated how vulnerable I was feeling, especially at the hands of a woman. She returned and stood above me, her short blonde hair framing the perfect roundness of her face. Looking at her I couldn’t help but remember the more innocent version of her and I wondered if I’d loved her even then. I knew that I’d felt the need to protect her and make her happy, but could it have been love? The more I thought about it, the more I believed that it was true … that I’d felt it all along. I’d been biding my time, waiting for her all these years.

“I can’t stay with you tonight, Tyler. You cloud my judgment and I need to figure things out on my own.” She frowned. “I hope you can understand.”

Hurt, I stood from the beanbag and stalked towards the futon where I’d obviously be sleeping. “Sure, sure,” I muttered as I kicked off my shoes before throwing myself backwards. I struggled to get comfortable as I shifted the weight of my body to find just the right spot.

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I didn’t want for this to happen.” I watched as she climbed the stairs away from me. I wanted to call out to her. I wanted her to look back at me. But neither of those things happened. She disappeared into my room and I attempted to drift off to sleep.

As sleep began to surround me, a memory crept into my subconscious. A day where my father had just happened to divulge some advice that had seemed irrelevant at the time …

I was young, middle school age, but Emma and I were making an attempt at the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing and I was feeling confused. I knew deep down that it didn’t feel right. Dad and I had been sitting in the den, just he and I. I sensed it was my moment to ask for some fatherly advice.

“How do you know, Dad?” I asked, my voice cracking with puberty.

“Know what, son?” he asked peering at me over the edge of his newspaper.

“How do you know that a girl is worth it?”

“Ah,” he sighed, placing the paper down into his lap. “I’ve been wondering when you might ask me this question, son, but the truth is I don’t have an easy answer for you. Women are mysterious creatures, Tyler. They don’t know if they’re coming or going most of the time. But if you can find one that’s worth all the confusion and troubles then you’re winning the war.”

“Confusion? Troubles?” I asked, suddenly scared shitless. A girl could do all that? “But how do you know she’s worth all that?”

He paused and smiled at me. “You just know, son.”

Those words would forever be etched into my mind because they were words spoken to me often. Dad kept hoping that I would find a ‘good girl’. He’d always ask me if the latest girlfriend was worth it, and when I hesitated he would answer with a simple shake of his head.

Those words were the last words my father ever spoke to me. He was lying in his hospital bed, losing his battle with lung cancer—damn cigars. He grabbed my hand and squeezed before saying, “If you can find one that’s worth the confusion and troubles, then you’re winning the war” one last time.

I’d already risked a lot with Elizabeth. In fact, I’d put up with more confusion and trouble in the last few months than I had in all of my thirty years. That’s when I knew I had to fight for all I was worth … because I’d found her. Elizabeth
was
worth it. And goddamn it, I would win the war.

Exhaustion had obviously set deep within my bones because the next thing I felt was something slamming into the back of my head. Still groggy, I turned around to see Felix excitedly bouncing on the floor, a pile of blocks surrounding him. Rolling over, I rubbed the back of my head and swung my feet onto the floor. Shane had his back to me as he stood in the kitchen.

“Morning,” I groaned, rubbing the sore spot on the back of my head.