His Absolute Betrayal - Elise's Love Story: The Billionaire's Continuum (#2) (A Contemporary Romance Novel) (19 page)

"What?" I asked.  "Really?"

Jessika shrugged.  "Asher said the police are looking for you both, so it's kind of different, but I understand in a way.  I'm confused, too.  There was that vandalism in my office yesterday, then the fire, and when I woke up this morning I found out about the sex tape, and... what if there's more?  What's going to happen next?  That's what I keep asking myself."

I nodded and listened this time.  I liked this, just us, talking.  Worrying with each other, maybe anxious and nervous.  It was difficult not to worry, but talking about it and knowing that someone else was with me like this made me less nervous.

"Asher always acts so confident," Jessika said, her voice strangled, swallowing hard.  "He acts like none of this could ever bother him.  It might not bother him, too.  How, though?  I was so scared last night.  I thought you and Lucent were trapped in the fire and I thought you were dead.  They had to give me sedatives and bring me to the hospital to calm me down, except in the morning everything got worse again.  I think the only thing that kept me going was Asher and the fact that you and Lucent were fine.  I thought you were, at least, but then you called, and it hurt all over again.  I don't know what to do, Elise."

I shook my head, no.  I wasn't sure what I needed to disagree with, but I did it.  Jessika shouldn't hurt.  She shouldn't worry.  We both had our fair share of problems, but it upset me to know that my problems were causing her such anguish.  It hurt to know that she'd been scared thinking we were dead, but it made me feel happy, too.  It made me feel less alone than before.

"I'm... I'm not trying to make excuses," she said.  "I don't want to make excuses for Lucent, because if he did something wrong, that's unacceptable.  He's always so excited about you, though.  I mean, it's Lucent, so his excitement is a little hard to see sometimes, but when he's looking at you, there's always something special in his eyes, like a little sliver of awe on the outside showing the way he feels about you on the inside.  You're important to him, Elise.  Asher acts confident all the time, and indifferent about the media hounding him, but I think sometimes it bothers him, too.  He just doesn't show it.  I think Lucent might be like that, also.  Maybe you two can make up?  I'm not saying you need to, but if he apologizes?  And... you know?  Maybe?"

I glanced towards the door to the bedroom.  It was just us.  I wanted to hide the truth, but I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, too.

"I want to," I said.  "I really do, Jessika.  I want everything to go back to how it was, except I don't know if it ever can.  I don't know if I'm enough for Lucent.  I don't know if I'm holding him back or he's acting a different way to make me happy, and he's restraining his real self.  Sometimes Lucent is scary.  I've never been scared of him before, and I don't think I am now, but I wonder if I should be, you know?  Maybe I'm being too naive?  Maybe my expectations are... wrong?  I don't want to believe it, but it's hard not to."

"Everyone has doubts," Jessika said.  "If we didn't, we wouldn't be normal.  Just... just be open, alright?  I know how Lucent is sometimes, but you know him even better than that.  You said you don't know if he's holding back and hiding his real self, right?  I think he's shown you more of his real self than he's probably ever shown anyone before.  It's scary to open up to people sometimes.  It's really scary when we love the person, because I think we all worry about losing that."

"Do you really think so?" I asked.  I hadn't thought about that before.  In all honesty, I wasn't sure if I hid much of anything from Lucent or anyone else I was friends with.  True, I didn't open up right away to everyone, but once I did, I went into it fully and completely.

I trusted, but sometimes I knew I trusted too easily.

I knew Lucent had a hard time trusting people, though.  Not everyone, and he wouldn't openly say as much, but he preferred to do things on his own a lot of times.  He drove himself, in his own car, because he trusted his driving capabilities.  He wasn't exactly distrustful, but he trusted himself more than others, which led him to a potentially anti-social attitude.

He trusted me, though.  If I asked to drive, I knew he would let me.  Granted, I never asked, because I liked him driving and he took it very seriously, but I could have asked.  He even...

He called me Mistress Tanner.  I'd thought it frivolous and a jab at the time, attacking him in a passive aggressive way, but maybe it was more than that.  One of the things Lucent always told me was that the dominant needed the submissive's absolute trust, because she willingly gave him control, believing in his abilities.

I thought he was just playing along at first to appease me, but maybe there was more to it than that?  Was he offering me something?  Was he telling me that he trusted me completely?  And if so, was I worthy of that?

Maybe Lucent was confused.  I thought he might be more confused than he let on.  He said he wasn't sure what to do, but maybe he
really
wasn't sure.  Maybe he was as lost and alone as me, but neither of us wanted to show weakness to the other, because...

I didn't, because he always seemed so strong and powerful to me.  Lucent always knew what to do, he always had a plan of action.  I felt comfortable with him because of that, and I thought I could lean on him more because of it.  Our relationship never seemed equal; it seemed heavily weighted in his favor.  The power dynamics were skewed, and a part of me didn't think I added anything to the equation.

Except what if he didn't want to show weakness for the exact same reasons.  If he didn't want to let me down, and he didn't want to disappoint me, so he stretched himself to the utmost of his abilities, and...

Snap.  Crash.  Everything came tumbling down.

I suddenly felt hungry again.  I scooped up the cookie smothered in ice cream with my spoon and nibbled at the soggy edges.  It tasted good.  I nipped one of the chocolate caramel cups with my teeth and bit down on it, then swallowed.

"Maybe I'll talk to him," I said.  "In a little bit.  Not right now, if that's alright?"

Jessika smiled and nodded.  "It's up to you.  We've got cheesecake and cookies and ice cream, so there's no rush."

My ears perked up.  "Ooh, right.  Cheesecake?"

She crawled across the bed to the side opposite me, and fetched a pie plate from the bedside table.  A half eaten cheesecake sat in the center of the tin.  She held the pie tin out to me and I scooped up a bite of the cheesecake with my spoon.  I tasted some of it with the tip of my tongue, testing it.  I didn't know why I even bothered, because cheesecake was cheesecake, and it was almost always delicious.  This one definitely was delicious, too.  I took a big bite, then sighed deeply.

"We're going to get fat," I said.  "This is probably a bad idea."

"It's fine," she said, grinning.  "I'm trying to get pregnant.  This is for the baby."

"Yes, well, I'm not trying to get pregnant.  I don't have an excuse."

She shrugged.  "You might change your mind?"

"I guess I might!  I really doubt now is a good time for that, though.  Also, Lucent and I haven't even talked about it.  We haven't talked about um... marrying or anything, either.  I don't know if he'd want to.  I doubt it.  I'm not sure.  He doesn't seem the type?  That doesn't make sense.  I think he might.  I'm mad at him now, though, so..."

Jessika nodded with complete understanding.  "Yes, but," she said, "angry sex is usually really good sex.  You could take advantage of that."

I rolled my eyes at her.

Jessika and I talked more, but inevitably Asher came in.  Then they talked without me.  I wouldn't really say he interrupted us, because I felt more like I was interrupting them.  Realizing this, I politely offered to excuse myself and leave them alone to do whatever it was they were doing before Lucent and I arrived.

"You don't have to," Jessika said.  "Asher and I are just glad you're alright."

Asher nodded, agreeing.  "If you want, you can stay in here.  Lucent and I can sleep in the living room."

The idea of that made me laugh.  Asher Landseer, billionaire CEO of Landseer Enterprises, sleeping on a couch or the floor in some tiny apartment?  It made me smile, too, though.  I could barely imagine Lucent sleeping on a couch or a floor, either.  A part of me kind of wanted to see it.

"It's fine," I said.  "I'm sure everything will be fine.  Thank you so much for everything, but I don't want to intrude any more than I already have."

A few more mumbled apologies, acceptances, and a pleasant good night later, and I left to join Lucent in the living room.  Before I went, I took one more cookie, bringing it with me.  Asher closed the door behind me, leaving him and Jessika alone in the bedroom.

Lucent sat on the couch, staring at the TV.  It was on, with some news channel playing, but the volume was turned down so far that I could barely hear what they were saying.  It didn't look like it mattered all that much, though.  Just some late night news.  I wondered if he wanted to see if there was something—anything—about us on the news.  Briefly, I wondered if we'd even be in the news?  We weren't wanted criminals yet, or not exactly.  We were just wanted for questioning, right?  Except there was no way to explain our part in this without sounding completely insane, so it amounted to almost the same thing, I supposed.

I sat on the far end of the couch opposite Lucent.  Pulling my feet up, I tucked them beneath me and sat there, watching him.  I saw him glancing at me out of the corner of his eye when I first came in, but after that he looked away, steadfast and staring at the TV screen.

We sat like that for a long time, neither of us saying anything, no one speaking.  I reached for the lamp on a side table—the sole source of light in the room at the moment—and flicked it off.  Still, Lucent stared at the screen.  Was he refusing to acknowledge me, or preferring not to?

I reached for the remote control resting on a coffee table in front of us, then pressed the power button to turn the TV off.  The screen flickered for a second, then everything vanished, leaving us in darkness.  Thin slivers of moonlight swept through the shuttered windows, offering a slight bit of light, but not much.

"Lucent?" I said.

He didn't say anything to me.  He turned, though, twisting on the couch and moving to face me.  I felt the weight of his body shifting the couch cushions and the sound of his pants rustling as he repositioned himself.

"Lucent," I said again.  "If you apologize to me and promise never to do it again, I'll forgive you."

He stayed silent for a few seconds more.  "What exactly are we referencing for my apology?" he asked.

"I'm more mad about you bringing me to Elle's apartment than anything else.  That doesn't mean I'm happy about the rest, but at least I kind of understand it, I guess."

"You shouldn't," he said.  "Miss Tanner, I'm entirely uncertain how we've come to be in this exact situation, but you shouldn't understand or accept any of it.  I should never have allowed things to become like this, and I should never have put you at risk because of my own senselessness.  In addition to that, I should have been more thoughtful when I considered places where we could attain sanctuary.  I wanted to ascertain your safety and protect you as best I could, but I've failed."

"You have," I said; he choked up at that, and I think I startled him somewhat.  "Sometimes people fail at things, Lucent.  I'm saying that if you accept that and promise to do better in the future, then it's fine.  I... I know you never meant to do anything bad, sort of.  I mean, you did some bad things, I guess, but I can understand some of the reasoning.  So if you tell me you won't do it again, then I'll forgive you."

"I don't wish to alarm you, Miss Tanner, but it's possible anything I say won't matter in the end.  It may be best to deliver ourselves to the police department tomorrow and accept our fate.  We shall explain as best we can, and I'll claim blame for the situation.  If we discuss matters beforehand, I believe it will be possible to convince them that I deceived you and brought you along unwillingly.  It's barely a stretch and is essentially what happened."

"Stop," I said.  I crawled across the couch towards his lap, then touched his cheek with my fingertips.  I caressed his face with my palm, then lightly pressed my hand against his jaw.  "Tell me the truth: is that what you really want?"

"Miss Tanner, it's—"

I stopped him with a very light slap, not even enough to make a sound.  "Mistress," I corrected him.  "Mistress Tanner, alright?  Just for right now, please?"

He scoffed and looked away.  "You want to berate me and yell at me again?  I believe we'd both be doing Mr. and Mrs. Landseer a severe disservice by arguing loudly after they've so kindly accepted us in."

"No," I said softly.  Pushing myself forward, fumbling in the dark, I pressed my lips against his.  "Lucent, I want to love you, and I want you to trust me.  Do you understand?"

He paused, uncertain.  "This is difficult," he finally said.  "I've never done this before."

"What?  The BDSM thing where you're on the bottom?"

He chuckled softly.  "Yes, that, too.  But all of this, as well.  I'm unsure how anyone would have known about the hard drive at the Landseer estate.  Thinking about it, I question whether it was premeditated or a complete coincidence."

"Do you remember when we were in the library together?" I asked.  "When we were trapped, and you, um... well, we were about to have sex.  It was right before that.  You pressed my wrists against the floor and told me they were shackled there.  It was just a game, like invisible restraints, but it felt so real and different."

"Yes," he said.  "Of course I remember that."

"You haven't eaten anything since this morning," I said, finding his hand in the darkness and giving him the cookie I'd taken with me from Jessika's room.  "Here.  Eat this."

It wasn't much in the way of food, but it was the only thing I had.  It was almost everything I had right now, and I wanted him to have it.  We held hands like that for a few seconds, mine cupping the sides of his, while he held the cookie gently in his palm.