He probably wanted to tell her that Kelly had agreed to marry him. Maybe he didn’t want her to read the news in the tabloids, so he’d come here first. She steeled herself. That would be fine, right? Better than fine. It’s what the two of them should do.
“Katy…” His expression told her he knew she was distracted. “This isn’t why I’m here.”
“I know.” She held up her empty mug. “More coffee?”
“No, thanks.” His eyes never left hers.
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“Okay, then-” she nodded toward the living room-“let’s talk in there.”
She hadn’t quite finished her sentence when lightning and thunder hit at the exact time, exploding in the air around the house and instantly knocking out the electricity.
It was still midafternoon, but the sky was too dark to allow much light through the windows. The house was suddenly bathed in shadows.
Dayne set his cup down. He went to the window and looked out. “So … do we need to go down to the basement, maybe?”
“No.” Katy felt herself smile. “No tornadoes today. Not for a few weeks.”
“How long before the lights come back on?”
“Could be a few hours.” She set their mugs in the sink. “There’ll be more light in the living room.”
“I’ll follow you.”
They walked through the cherry-paneled dining area into the carpeted room where the Flanigans held most of their heart-to- heart talks. The room had a vaulted ceiling, furniture that was solid and comfortable, and a fireplace almost as big as the piano.
Katy’s favorite spot to hold a conversation in the entire house was the sofa that backed up to the entire wall of windows. The couch had six overstuffed pillows, so it was comfortable no matter how you sat in it. She took one side and brought her leg up so she was facing sideways.
A foot from her, Dayne did the same.
The room was shadowy but not as dark as the kitchen. And through the window it was fascinating to see just how much lightning was piercing the dark clouds overhead:
Katy held her breath as they settled into the sofa. This was it. Whatever had brought Dayne from LA this morning, she was about to find out.
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For a while Dayne just looked at her.
Katy tried to deny it, but there was no question he had longing in his eyes-a longing that had been there since the first time she saw him sitting in the back of the theater today. He didn’t look at her the way some guys did-as if they wanted to undress her with their eyes. No, the look on Dayne’s face was nothing like that.
His was a different kind of longing-a wanting for love and laughter and family and simplicity. All the things he had never been able to find.
She exhaled and pulled one of the pillows close to her. “Please talk to me, Dayne.”
The feelings evident in his eyes were so genuine and raw they almost hurt to look at. “Kelly and I… we’re finished.”
“What?” The word was a whisper, the slightest gasp. Katy had been certain he was going to finish his sentence with a dozen other choices. Kelly and 1 are in love … Kelly and 1 are getting married… Kelly and I are working things out.
Never-not for one
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single moment-had she considered that this was what he’d come to tell her. She felt herself bristle, felt her back stiffen. So what if he and Kelly were through? What did that matter, given the circumstances? He was going to be a daddy after all. She found her voice. “What about the baby?”
For a few seconds, fear and regret took turns coloring his face, and as he opened his mouth, his eyes grew damp. He shook his head and dropped his gaze.
“Dayne …” Katy couldn’t fathom what was causing this reaction. What had Kelly done? Told him he couldn’t share custody of his firstborn child? She waited, her hands trembling.
His eyes lifted to hers, and there was no mistaking the pain there. “There is no baby.” He blinked, and two tears fell onto his cheeks. “Not anymore.”
Katy was confused. There wasn’t a baby any-?
The truth hit her all at once, like a wrecking ball. She felt the blood drain from her face, felt her heart breaking. “Kelly had an abortion?”
Dayne squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his fist to his forehead. “She didn’t ask me.” For a long while he said nothing, couldn’t say anything. When he opened his eyes, there was no denying his depth of loss. “Katy, you’re the only one who would understand what I’m feeling.” He glanced out the window at the storm.
“Abortion’s not a big deal in my world. Simple solution, a woman’s right to choose.” Anger hardened his tone. “But that was my baby too.” He looked at her, broken. “What choice did I get?”
“Dayne-” her own heart filled with sadness for him-“I’m so sorry.” This time she didn’t analyze whether it was right or wrong, whether it would only prolong this … whatever this was between them. Instead she took hold of his hand, the one resting on his knee.
He wrapped his fingers around hers. For a long while they just sat that way.
Dayne’s quiet tears making paths down his
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cheeks, and the two of them holding hands. He was strong even now. Strong yet broken.
Katy studied him, trying to imagine what he was feeling. What she’d be feeling if she were him.
A deep, unspeakable pain filled her soul. Of course abortion would hit him this way. He’d been raised by missionary parents. The people who adopted him.
Whatever direction he’d gone, whatever place in life he’d found, and whatever choices he’d made along the way, his upbringing had convinced him of this: Life was precious, unborn or not.
And in his Hollywood life, he didn’t know one person who could sit with him and grieve the loss of his first child. No one except for her.
Katy tried to think of something to say, but he didn’t need her words. She simply waited for him to talk.
Finally, he brushed the back of his other hand across his cheeks and sniffed.
“She told me at the premiere.”
“For Dream OnV Katy leaned forward, horrified. “Are you serious?”
He narrowed his eyes, as if he were seeing the scene play in his mind once more.
“We found a private patio. She told me she was staying with Hawk Daniels.”
“That’s why?” The storm was still raging outside. Thunder rumbled low and long, and Katy’s words were barely audible over it.
“No.” He held her hand with both of his now. “She told me that the whole time she lived with me I never …”
“Never what?”
He looked deep into her eyes, deeper than at any time since he’d walked into the church earlier today. “Never loved her the way I loved you.”
Katy stared at him, her mind spinning. She’d spent the last few months convincing herself that Dayne couldn’t have cared much for her. Not if he could leave her and months later have his
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leading lady move in with him. But here… in a single instant, he had rewritten everything she knew to be true about that part of his past.
“Look-” his voice was tender, compassionate-“I didn’t come here to talk about my feelings for you, Katy. Really.”
“I know.” Relief came over her. Somehow it was wrong talking about whatever they felt for each other in light of Kelly’s abortion. Still, in the darkening shadows and under the cover of a raging storm, they felt like the only two people in the world, as if they’d stumbled into a place where honesty reigned and no subject was taboo. She searched his eyes. “Was she right?”
Dayne brought one hand to her face and touched her cheek. “How can you ask?” He worked the muscles in his jaw and returned his hand to hers. “But it doesn’t matter.”
Katy could hardly exhale. She waited for him to explain himself.
“I’m not who you need.” He gave her a sad smile. “I’m too much work, the two of us too different.” A flash of lightning lit the room, and she could see his eyes glistening. “But believe this, Katy. All the fame and celebrity, everything people see when I’m in a role or in the tabloids, that’s not who I am. Not really.”
She wanted to hug him, but she kept her spot, their knees a few inches from each other. “I know.” This was more transparent than she’d ever seen him.
A quiet chuckle came from somewhere deep inside him, but it sounded more ironic than humorous. “The trouble is, I’m not sure who I am.” He released her hands, stood, and walked around the sofa to the windows. “It hit me when Kelly told me the news.” He crossed his arms and stared at the sky. “I don’t-know if it has something to do with being adopted or that my parents died when I was a teenager. But somewhere along the way I lost everything that used to matter to me.” He looked at her. “I never bothered to find out who I am.”
She nodded, and their past discussions flashed through her 179
mind. His sudden interest in small-town America, his attempt at understanding Kabbalah, even his interest in her. “I think you’ve been searching.”
“I have.” He drew a long, slow breath and returned to his place on the sofa.
This time he was a little farther away than before. “I have a friend, a guy I grew up with. He’s a missionary in Mexico now.” The corners of Dayne’s mouth raised, but the smile stopped short of his eyes. “Same upbringing as me-boarding school, distant parents, the whole works. Ever since I heard about… about the baby, I’ve wanted just an hour or two with the guy. To ask him how he figured it out-even after his parents chose God over him.” He leaned against the padded sofa arm. “You know?”
Katy pulled her knees up and hugged them. In the midst of all the sadness and uncertainty, the idea felt wonderful. “Then that’s exactly what you should do.”
“I am. At least I’m thinking about it. I called him. We’re both free the end of March.”
“Yes.” Katy sat up a little straighter. “Like you said, he figured it out. Maybe he could help you do the same thing.”
“That’s what I thought.” He gave her a partial grin. “I fly here when I need to talk to you. I could do the same to see him, I guess.”
She felt her soul sing at the possibility, and the smile that tugged at her lips felt wonderful. “True. You fly here on a whim whenever you feel like it.”
He angled his head, his eyes soft again. “Not hardly.” Their eyes held. “If I flew to Indiana on a whim, I’d be here every week.”
Dayne’s words touched her, but there was nothing more important right now than his going to Mexico to talk with his missionary friend. That was bigger than everything they clearly still felt for each other. “Maybe if you go to Mexico you’ll find the real Dayne.” She pressed her fingers to her heart, her eyes begging him to understand. “The one no one but you and God really know.”
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The storm was moving away-only an occasional bolt of lightning and a low rumble of thunder in the distance. But the sky was still ominous, and the room was mostly dark.
Dayne stood and went to the window again. “From here you can see the clouds, the way they’re darker in some places than others.”
“Hmm.” Katy rose and went around the couch, coming up alongside him. “Sort of like life.”
“Yeah.” He turned his shoulder against the glass and faced her. “I didn’t really answer you.”
They were inches apart, so close that Katy could smell what remained of his cologne. The combination of that and the nearness of him was intoxicating. She steadied herself. Be strong, Katy … God, help me be strong. He doesn’t need me; he needs You. That’s all this is about. She wondered if Dayne could hear her pounding heart. “About what?”
“Kelly’s observation.” His voice grew quiet. “That I never loved her the way I loved you.”
Katy was glad for the darkness, because it hid the heat she felt in her cheeks.
“Dayne, you never loved me. You liked me.” She couldn’t keep eye contact with him another moment. Otherwise she’d close the distance between them and wind up in his arms.
She looked down at their feet, at how they were almost touching. When she felt more composed she found his eyes. “I think you like the idea of me maybe even more than … than me.” She gave him a sad smile. “Your life is so complicated, Dayne. So difficult. 1 think you see me-” she glanced around as if maybe the answer lay in the shadows-“like I’m some sort of image.” The idea hurt more than she was willing to admit. She tilted her head, willed her tears back.
“Maybe 1 represent the faith you’re seeking, the simplicity you’re craving.
Maybe it’s not about me at all.”
At first, as she was coming up with the explanation for his devotion, his brow lowered as in confusion. But then as it became clear what she was saying, his eyes shone with hurt and
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then determination. “You’re not an image.” He gritted his teeth. When he spoke again, he had never sounded more sure about anything. “I know you, Katy. It’s not what you represent that draws me to you.” He touched his fist to his chest.
“It’s what lives inside, you.”
Katy didn’t want to challenge him, didn’t want to force him to see that his feelings for her were based more on imagination than reality. Not when his eyes were drawing her in, capturing her more completely with every passing minute.
When she didn’t say anything, he moved his hands to her shoulders and drew her close-slowly, carefully, in a way that seemed perfectly natural. It wasn’t the hug of two lovers or even two friends. In some ways it was deeper than that, an embrace filled with grief and most of all empathy.
Dayne put his hand on the back of her head and spoke near her ear. “I’ve wanted to hold you like this since I got here.” He leaned back just enough to look into her eyes. “I didn’t think we would.”
Again Katy’s face felt hot, but she wouldn’t let the heat make her feel guilty.
She was doing nothing wrong. Dayne was a free man, and he was her friend-even if she believed everything she’d just told him about what he saw in her. She had her hand on his chest. “I didn’t either.”
Neither of them said it, but the obvious filled in the inches between them.
Everything was different now. Tragically, there was no baby. But that meant Dayne was as free as he’d been the last time they were together-before the phone call from Kelly that day in the LA courthouse.
They swayed a little, two friends slow dancing to the sound of falling rain. She wanted to kiss him in the worst way, but months of taking the subject of Dayne to God made her keep her distance. “Ever since that night in the parking lot at Malibu Beach-” her voice was a whisper, all she could manage as weak as she was feeling-“I’ve prayed about you. Prayed for you.”