And most of all she would cry with him because of a baby who lived in heaven now, a child who would not have the chance to live and grow and become on this earth. His arms hurt at the emptiness of it, because he never got to meet his baby.
Because his first child would forever be a baby he never even had the chance to hold.
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Ashley had the feeling her father was hiding something from her. Landon was at the fire station this Saturday afternoon, and she and Cole were on their way to the Baxter house to go over plans for the reunion. The whole ride there, Ashley replayed in her mind a few of the recent conversations she’d had with her dad.
Every time she asked her father about her older brother, he was vague. “How’s it coming with the search?” she had asked him a few nights ago. “Anything new from the private investigator?”
“Uh …” Always there seemed to be a slight hesitation. “No, nothing yet.”
Frustration echoed in his voice. “You’ll be the first to know, Ashley. I promise you.”
Ashley leaned forward and clicked on the radio.
“Put on eighties, okay, Mom?” Cole piped up from the backseat. “Daddy always lets me listen to the eighties.”
She laughed, and the sound of it temporarily erased her suspicions. “You’re the only kid in Bloomington who listens to eighties, Cole. I just want you to know that.”
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“I don’t just like eighties.” In the rearview mirror she saw him grin. “I like country too. ‘Specially that song about coming home.”
‘“Who Says You Can’t Go Home?”
“Yeah.” Cole giggled. “I love that song!”
She turned to the eighties station and relished the feeling. A Bryan Adams song was half over, and the instant Cole heard it, he started moving to the music.
She took a deep breath. These were the moments she would always remember. She and Cole, music filling the van, bopping around town together as if he’d always be young and she’d always have him in the backseat.
By the time they reached the Baxter house, Ashley’s mind had taken a dozen different trails-thoughts about how wonderful it would be to see Luke and Erin.
How much she’d missed them and how she couldn’t wait to see their kids and how they’d grown. Also how sad it was that their mom wouldn’t be there, and that brought her full circle to her father.
And why he didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with finding their older brother.
The reunion was the perfect place for all of them to meet him-if he were willing and able to come, of course. The timing had seemed perfect before, but now that it was the middle of March they were running out of days. It would take a miracle to make a connection with their brother in only two weeks.
Her dad was outside waiting for them, sprinkling bits of food into the frog pond. Ashley took hold of Cole’s hand, and they started toward him.
“Good news!” Her dad smiled at them. “I bought a few dozen goldfish.” He stared at the water. “They love the place.”
“Goldfish!” Cole released her hand and ran toward the pond. “To keep the frogs company, you mean?”
“Exactly.” Her father rubbed Cole’s hair and pulled him close for a hug. He looked at Ashley. “How are you feeling?”
“Good.” She couldn’t move as fast as Cole, but she was sleep 143
ing all right. “The baby’s not as active as before.” She put her hand on what used to be her waist. “But I can’t blame him. not much room left in there.”
Her dad chuckled. “I think you’re right.” He pointed at the water. “Come look at the fish.”
“Yeah, Mommy, Papa’s right.” Cole dropped to his knees and lowered his face inches above the water. “You never saw such happy goldfish.” He gave her a lopsided grin. “They have fish smiles on their faces.”
Little fish smiles. She loved this about Cole, his enthusiasium for life, his imagination. “Wait till Maddie sees them.”
“Yeah!” He jumped to his feet, tugging at his grandpa’s sleeve “Can we ask her to come now, Papa? Can we?”
“I think Aunt Brooke’s bringing the girls by later. Uncle Peter has some work at the hospital.”
“Goodie!” Cole pumped his fist. Then he dropped to his knees again and stared at the fish. “I wish I had a net so I can catch ‘em.”
Her father frowned. “Maybe we should wait on that.”
“Yeah.” Cole looked over his shoulder. “Until they’ve been here awhile.”
Ashley stood at her father’s side and watched Cole. “The pond looks great.”
“You noticed?” His voice rang with pride.
“Of course.” Ashley pointed to the pebbly landing. “You made a place for the kids to kneel down closer to the water
“Right.” He nodded to the ring of large rocks. “Cleared weeds too.” He slipped his arm around Ashley. “Remember the fishpond I made for you kids when you were little?”
Ashley laughed. “Of course.” The years peeled back, and memories were vivid once more. “Luke and I spent three summers around that pond.”
“That’s right.” He chuckled, his tone nostalgic. “Always Luke and you, my tomboy.”
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“Didn’t the fish have babies?”
“Babies?” Cole spun around, his eyes wide. “Fish can have babies?”
“Yes.” Her dad grinned big. “When your mommy was a little girl our fish had babies and grandbabies and greatgrandbabies. So many fish we had to catch some of them and give them to neighbors down the street.”
“I remember that. Luke and 1 wading through the pond with our little nets.”
“Really?” Cole turned back to the pond. “When these fish have babies and there gets to be so many like that, maybe you could let me and Maddie be the catchers.” He squinted against the glare of the sun. ‘“Cause 1 think I’d be a really good catcher, Papa.”
A pair of geese flew overhead and landed in the front field, fifty yards away.
Cole spotted them immediately. He stood and took soft running steps in the direction of the birds. “Watch what a good catcher 1 am, Papa.” He spoke with a loud whisper.
Long before Cole reached the geese, they lifted and settled another twenty yards from him.
With him out of earshot, Ashley took a step toward the pond and then faced her father. This was as good a time as any. “You know what I’m going to ask you?”
It took only a few seconds for the knowing look to fill her dad’s eyes. “About your older brother?”
“Right.” She smiled. This didn’t need to be an awkward subject between them. She just wanted to know where he was, who he was. And if her father was having such a hard time finding him, then maybe she should take over the search. “I guess it feels like every time 1 bring him up you change the subject. Like you don’t want to talk about him.”
Her father gave her a slow nod and shaded his eyes. “I know.”
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A heavy sigh rattled on his lips, and his shoulders seemed to slump a few inches. “I’m sorry.”
“I mean, Dad-” she took his hand-“maybe it’s too much for you. I’d be happy to take over, maybe make a few calls to the investigator, see if I can’t get him more enthused about finding him, where he is and who he is and whether he’d want to-“
“Ashley.” He brought his free hand to her shoulder and looked deep into her eyes. “The PI found your brother.”
Ashley had to hold tight to her father’s hand so she wouldn’t drop to her knees.
This was hardly the news she’d expected to hear. Her throat was suddenly dry and tight, and she swallowed so she could think of what to say. Even then all she could manage was “He found him?”
“Yes.” But instead of joy and elation, there was fresh sorrow in her dad’s expression. “But the news isn’t good.”
Not good? A handful of possibilities flashed across Ashley’s mind. He was sick or dead, or maybe he’d done some horrible thing. Her legs and arms trembled, and she waited, breathless.
“It’s a closed door, Ashley. He doesn’t want anything to do with us.”
“What?” Outrage immediately replaced the shock working its way through her body.
Her baby began to kick, and she motioned to the porch swing. In the distance Cole was still chasing the pair of geese. “Let’s go sit down.”
Storm clouds were gathering in the distance, and in a few hours there was bound to be thunder and lightning. But for now Ashley appreciated the sunshine on her back as they crossed the driveway. The news chilled her to the bone. How could her brother turn down his entire birth family without ever knowing them?
She steadied herself against her father until they were seated on the swing.
Then she looked at him, angry and desperate for answers. “Tell me everything, Dad.” Her words were dry. “Start at the beginning.”
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“I should’ve told you sooner. I’ve known about him for two months now.”
“Two months?” Ashley raised her voice. She gripped the arm of the swing and angled her large body so she could see her father better. She worked to lower her tone. “Dad, two months?”
“I wanted to make sure.”
“Make sure of what?”
“That he didn’t want contact with us.” He looked sad and tired and old, sunk against the back of the swing. “I’ve done everything 1 can do.”
“You mean you talked to him?”
“Not exactly.” Her dad seemed ready to say more, but he stopped himself. “Last month 1 talked to a man who works for him. He told me in no uncertain terms that your brother wants nothing to do with us. There’s no getting around the truth, Ash. He’s made his decision.”
Ashley held her breath and then released it all at once. “Well, what’s his name?
Who is he?” She clenched her fists and dug them into her knees. “I’ll call him.
Maybe that’ll change his mind.”
“No, Ashley.” He sat a little straighter. “I’ve reached a dead end. There’s nothing more I can do.”
Tears stung the corners of her eyes. “But that isn’t fair. We never got to know him.” She stood slowly, went to the porch railing, and leaned against it. Cole was back at the fishpond, crouched down and pointing at the water as if he were counting the goldfish. Two hot tears fell from her eyes and onto her cheeks. “If he knew us, he’d be sorry he ever missed a day.”
“I know.” His tone was sad but unbending. This wasn’t a topic with any give in it whatsoever. “I’m sorry, Ashley.”
“So what’s his name?” She turned around and leveled her gaze at him. “Where does he live, and what does he do for a living?” She couldn’t stop herself. She had a hundred questions, and now in a single conversation she had to deal with the fact that she
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might never have answers to any of them. “Is he married? Are there nieces and nephews out there somewhere? Have you seen his picture or-?”
“Ashley …” He held out his hands. “Enough.”
“But, Dad …” She rubbed her forehead, trying to make sense of it. “We should know something, don’t you think?” She waved her hand. “He could be my next-door neighbor, for all I know.”
Her father was quiet for a moment, and his expression was familiar. It was the way he always looked when he was sorting through his thoughts. Finally he grabbed the swing chain closest to him and took a long breath. “He’s not your next-door neighbor.” He sounded winded. “He’s not married. He’s successful and he works in Los Angeles. As far as I know, he has no children.”
Ashley let the information find its place in her heart. He was in his thirties, but he wasn’t married? Maybe he was unhappy, a person who had never really connected with the importance of family. Maybe that’s why he was successful. She made a stronger effort to soften her voice. “What’s his name?”
“That … I can’t tell you. It’s his wish that he stays anonymous.”
“Anonymous?” Ashley wanted to laugh. Who would she tell? Landon? Cole? So what, right? They deserved to know and so did her siblings and their families. “Are you serious, Dad? You’re not going to tell me?”
“What does it matter?” This time the pain and rejection were clear in her father’s voice. “Isn’t it better if we never have a name or a picture?” He gazed out at the field, to the place where Cole was still crouched near the pond.
“Isn’t it less painful if we just let the whole thing go?”
Ashley didn’t think so, but she stopped herself from giving a quick answer.
Obviously her father had spent a long time thinking about this. If he didn’t want to reveal her brother’s name at this point, she couldn’t push him. Not now, anyway. She
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returned to the swing and eased herself back into it. “What about the others?”
“They should know.” Her dad set the swing in motion. “I’ll tell them at the reunion. The second night when we’re all here. After dinner, maybe.”
Ashley was surprised. Her father had thought this through. Despite the disappointment still exploding within her, she felt relieved. The secret wasn’t one she would have to carry alone for much longer. “You’re right.” She put her hand on her father’s. “That’d be a good time to tell them.”
“This wasn’t how I wanted the search to end.” His expression was wistful, distant. He looked at her. “I tried, Ashley. I did.”
She wanted to push about his name. Because maybe if she had his name she could still do her own search. She and her siblings could find him and go to him and convince him he was wrong. That no matter what his past or his life now, he was one of them. He would be blessed for a place in the Baxter family-even if only once in a while.
But again she thought the timing was wrong. Instead she touched her dad’s shoulder. “Can I ask you something … one thing?”
Cole was skipping toward them, shouting something about tadpole eggs.
Her father looked drained. “I can’t give you his name.”
“Not that.” Ashley rested her head on his shoulder for a moment. Then she lifted her eyes to him and pleaded, “Can you try just once more? Please?” She sat up.
“I know you think you’ve done everything. But maybe try just once mote. Okay?”
Cole ran up the steps, his face alive with excitement. “Papa, guess what?”
“Ashley …” He cocked his head.
“Please, Dad.”
Her dad sighed. “All right.” He patted her hand as he stood.
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“One more time.” He held his arms out to Cole, and they hugged. “Tell me, Cole, my boy.”
As Ashley watched her father, she thought of her older brother, who was somewhere out there. God, he doesn’t know what he’s missing. Every week that passes . … every day. Please, God … change his mind. Help my dad find a way to reach him. Please.