Authors: Iyanla Vanzant

Forgiveness (21 page)

The first time I saw him, it was in Judge Judy’s courtroom. She was a courtroom judge before she became a television icon. In classic Judge Judy style she asked, “Well, what do you have to say for yourself, young man?” He stood stark still, glaring ahead of himself as if he were watching television. He had nothing to say. According to the defense attorney, his mother was an active alcoholic who was not in the courtroom. My mother was dead. Yet for some reason I was sitting in court feeling sorrow and sadness for the child who had senselessly murdered her. She was the bedrock of my foundation. I hated him for what he had done—stupid kid!

My mother’s death made me an orphan at age 37. I grew up in hard-core streets of New York City, Spanish Harlem, where the street rules were, “Don’t cuss in front of my mother!” and “You better not talk about my mother” and “I will kill you if you touch my mother!” This was all well and good when I was talking to my peers, but a kid???? How was I supposed to retaliate? How would I avenge her death?

My family, friends, and the neighborhood who knew my mother as the “praying hairdresser” were all outraged, looking at me, wondering—like I was—what I was going to do. There were marches and protests to influence his sentencing. The local politicians she had worked with used her death as a springboard to advance their careers. It was an opportunity to extract justice for a senseless murder and a forgotten community. But I couldn’t sleep at night. My eyes were so swollen from crying, I could barely see. No matter where we were or what was going on, every now and again my sister would let out these bloodcurdling screams in an effort to release her pain. It was unbearable. The possibilities were unspeakable.

I wanted revenge. I wanted justice. I wanted to hurt someone, anyone—as if that would make my pain easier to bear. One night I met with an old associate who I knew had a gun. He said he knew I would come. I wondered why he thought this was what people where waiting for and what was expected. It felt like my legs had a mind of their own. I went to the one place I knew my mother would want me to be—the church. It was her second home. She cleaned it, decorated it, and sat there many a times in the echoic silence. I sat in her pew. I called out her name. Unlike many other times, this time she didn’t answer. I called out to God. His response was clear:
“You have been sick for too many years. The freedom your mother prayed for is here. Your addiction is now released. What will you do? What have you learned from the gift of living? How will you go on to get your life in order?”

Forgiveness immediately came to my mind. But I was too angry and hurt even to consider it. Who needed forgiveness anyway? Was it me, for spending so much time in addiction and away from my mother? Or was it the damaged, dysfunctional child who had taken her life? Forgiveness felt like a plan in the future, not for the justifiable pain of the moment. Forgiveness was what God would do for him. It wasn’t my job. I had to wake up without my mother in my childhood home. I had to clean up all the stuff she left behind. I had to look through her things and discover her own soul searching that she had documented in her Bible. I found her handwritten notes, her prayers to God. As I read them I realized how blessed I was to have had a mother who had prayed for me.

Those prayers helped to soften my heart. I thought about her murderer, a child with a television and a gun, who had no guidance or support; a boy who did not have a mother like mine. I remembered how happy my mother had been when I finally got clean. She was so proud of me. I wondered if his mother had ever prayed for him? Or if she had been drunk all of his life? What could I do to preserve her prayers? This time she did answer:
“The same love and prayers you received, the ones that changed your life, are the same prayers you offer for others.”
But I wanted him to suffer.

For the next three years I was absolutely miserable. Sleepless nights, exaggerated mood swings, feelings of loss and hopelessness that I could not shake. When I thought about him and my dead mother—and me not doing anything about it—the anger became unbearable.
How can I pray for him? How can I forgive him? Who and what would I become if I continued holding on to unforgiveness?
I felt right in my position but wrong in my soul. I felt disconnected from God, which I knew meant I was disconnected from my mother. It was all ego—
edging God out
—so I could keep my self-righteous feelings. It was the ruthlessness of my ego reigning supreme in my mind.

F
ORGIVENESS IS A SILENT, INTIMATE TEACHER. SHE IS ALWAYS READY TO BRING THE LESSONS YOU NEED, WHETHER OR NOT YOU WANT TO LEARN
.

So what do I know about forgiveness? Forgiveness is a silent, intimate teacher. She is always ready to bring the lessons you need, whether or not you want to learn. Forgiveness is the mother who soothes the rough edges of your life, enabling the willing heart and mind to surrender.

I had to make a choice. I chose peace. I chose a solid, intimate relationship with God as the path to an eternal relationship with my mother. Forgiveness is the path to peace. It doesn’t have to make sense, and you don’t have to want to do it. What I wanted was to create a new street code for myself. Through forgiveness God now had a way to speak to me. I still hear it most of the time. It is the voice of love. I now know that forgiveness is the voice of love that turns all weakness into strength.

D
AILY
F
ORGIVENESS
P
ROCESS
R
EMINDERS

For a more detailed explanation of the
Daily Forgiveness Process Guidelines
,

Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed for at least 30 to 60 minutes.
Still your mind for at least 5 minutes or listen to the
Stillness Meditation.
Read the Forgiveness Prayer once silently and once aloud.
Scan the
Emotional Triggers
List.
Write out the 12 Forgiveness Statements for each day’s topic on thinking, judging, and believing in your Forgiveness Journal (Days 1–18). Write your Forgiveness Letters (Days 19–21).
Perform your Pro EFT™ Forgiveness Tapping Sequences.
Process thoughts and feelings consciously through your Forgiveness Journal Reflections.
Listen to the
Gratitude Meditation
on the Forgiveness CD.
Complete the day’s practice in quiet reflection or with meditative music.
Be sure to do something good for yourself today!

F
ORGIVE
M
YSELF FOR
J
UDGING
M
Y
W
EAKNESSES AND
F
AILURES

T
oday’s Forgiveness Practice is about forgiving what we judge as weaknesses within ourselves and the experiences we perceive as failures. Weaknesses and failures can keep you stuck in shame, guilt, and self-doubt. As human beings, we are prone to prize perfection. When we judge ourselves as imperfect, self-criticism will take the place of compassion in our minds and hearts. All things are lessons that God would have us learn. Unfortunately, if we don’t know that class is in session, we can judge the things we do and the things that happen to be bad, wrong, and personal failures. With today’s practice we will take those judgments to the table of forgiveness. You are encouraged to consider relationships, work experiences, hopes, wishes, dreams, and incomplete cycles of actions—things you began but did not complete. And be sure to forgive the feelings and beliefs about yourself that you have attached to these so-called weaknesses and failures.

A
LL THINGS ARE LESSONS THAT GOD WOULD HAVE US LEARN
.

A P
RAYER OF
F
ORGIVENESS

My Dear Lord:

Help me!

Help me to remember what I desire and to forget what I have done.

Help me to forget what I haven’t done so that I will remember what I can do
.

Help me to hear and know Your voice, when You are guiding me, inspiring me, and leading me into new experiences, new opportunities, and new possibilities.

Help me to see new ways of being as I release old ways of seeing.

Help me to release.

Help me to surrender.

Help me today.

I rest in Thee.

I let it be!

And so it is!