Authors: Iyanla Vanzant

Forgiveness (34 page)

P
EOPLE DO THE BEST THEY CAN WITH WHAT THEY HAVE IN ANY GIVEN MOMENT

Today, I am amazed at the ways I justified my anger and self-righteousness about the man who gave me life and the one who did his best to teach me how to live it. I told myself that both of them had failed miserably at living up to my expectations of a father and an older brother. Of course, in my mind and in my heart, it was all about me and what I felt I did not get from them. Then my marriage as well as other pieces and parts of my life fell apart. From my broken places I recognized the same in my father and brother. From my own sense of darkness I saw the light they actually were in my life. Oh my God! Had I really held them hostage to my anger for more than 35 years? You bet I did! And I knew that forgiveness was the only hostage negotiator clever or savvy enough to free us all.

Practicing forgiveness shifted my perspective, my life, and the vital signs of my family relationships. Not until I began forgiving my father and brother was I able to see things from their perspectives. Forgiving these two important men in my life for what I had judged as offenses against me opened my heart in ways I never knew were possible. As I stopped giving lip service to forgiveness and really put it into practice, I learned that people do the best they can with what they have in any given moment.

Both of these men, whom I loved dearly, were veterans who had served this country and lost pieces and parts of themselves in the process. My father, a black man, served during World War II, at a time when he was forced to enter certain establishments through back doors in his own country. He served again in the Korean War, only to come home and have great difficulty in finding a job after serving his country for 23 years. My brother served in Vietnam. It was a war about which two Oscar-winning movies have been made. I can only imagine the horrors he saw and endured that would push any rational thinking man over the edge.

P
RACTICING FORGIVENESS SHIFTED MY PERSPECTIVE, MY LIFE, AND THE VITAL SIGNS OF MY FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
.

When I was able to see life through their eyes, I was able to make a shift within my own consciousness. Not until I became willing to acknowledge what they had lived through and lived with as men was I able to find, hold, and see them with compassion. Compassion, one of my greatest teachers, allowed me to truly forgive them in order to free myself. With a newfound depth of compassion guiding me and a heart full of love, I moved beyond lip service in order to dive into forgiveness. Much to my surprise, as I set them free, I was able to forgive myself for the judgments I had made about them. I now hold them in a loving space in my heart and honor them as my ancestors who love me and guide me each day.

F
ORGIVENESS WAS THE ONLY HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR CLEVER OR SAVVY ENOUGH TO FREE US ALL
.

D
AILY
F
ORGIVENESS
P
ROCESS
R
EMINDERS

For a more detailed explanation of the
Daily Forgiveness Process Guidelines
,

Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed for at least 30 to 60 minutes.
Still your mind for at least 5 minutes or listen to the
Stillness Meditation.
Read the Forgiveness Prayer once silently and once aloud.
Scan the
Emotional Triggers
List.
Write out the 12 Forgiveness Statements for each day’s topic on thinking, judging, and believing in your Forgiveness Journal (Days 1–18). Write your Forgiveness Letters (Days 19–21).
Perform your Pro EFT™ Forgiveness Tapping Sequences.
Process thoughts and feelings consciously through your Forgiveness Journal Reflections.
Listen to the
Gratitude Meditation
on the Forgiveness CD.
Complete the day’s practice in quiet reflection or with meditative music.
Be sure to do something good for yourself today!

F
ORGIVE
M
YSELF FOR
J
UDGING
M
Y
B
ROTHER
/S
ISTER

T
oday’s forgiveness practice is about forgiving judgments we hold and the hurts we may have attached to our siblings. In many sibling relationships there are three evil elements: comparison, jealousy, and ridicule. What siblings say and do to one another often can cut deep and leave scars. On the other hand, what siblings do
not
say and refuse to do for one another often cuts deeper and leaves profound wounds.

I
N MANY SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS THERE ARE THREE EVIL ELEMENTS: COMPARISON, JEALOUSY, AND RIDICULE
.

Whether you are the elder, the junior, or somewhere in the middle, there is nothing more precious and supportive than a close relationship with a sibling. When there is a breakdown in the relationship between siblings, the pain and dysfunction can affect and infect the entire family. Today’s practice of healing broken sibling relationships may also help you heal similar issues in your friendships.

A P
RAYER OF
F
ORGIVENESS

Dear God:

I am willing to change my mind. I am willing to experience a change of heart. I am willing to change my perception of myself. I am willing to change my perception of my brother/sister. I am willing to change what I think and why I think it. I am willing to change what I say and how I say it. I am willing to change my attitudes, my opinions, my habitual responses, my limited perceptions, the silent agreements, the family patterns, everything and anything I think or hold in my heart that will restore peace and harmony in my relationship with my brother/sister. I now consciously and willing ask the Holy Spirit of Your love to change every every cell, every tissue, every organ, every muscle, and every living system within my being in order to transform my relationship with my brother/sister. I now consciously and willingly ask the Holy Spirit to heal every thought, every belief, every program, every expectation, every motivation, and every behavior that has had or may have a negative, unkind, or unloving impact on my relationship with my brother/sister.

I rest in Thee.

I let it be!

And so it is!