Authors: Iyanla Vanzant

Forgiveness (19 page)

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.

—N
ELSON
M
ANDELA

– DAY 7 –

I F
ORGIVE
M
Y
F
EELINGS

I am upset because I see something that is not there.

If my emotions indicate to me that I am upset, not feeling the peace of God, it is only ever because I see something that is not there, something that is an image and representation of a thought. Any upset feeling is an indicator that I am ready to forgive.

—P
RAYER FOR
A C
OURSE IN
M
IRACLES
W
ORKBOOK
L
ESSON
6

– Forgiveness Story by Iyanla Vanzant –

I
didn’t like her. At the time, I was not sure why, nor did I care to know why—all I knew was that she made my skin crawl. Perhaps she was just too sweet, always going out of her way to do something nice for someone. Or maybe it was the way she always attempted to see the good in other people, especially the ones I held in total disdain.

Did that stop her from treating me with kindness and respect? No! I did everything in my power to let her know that she was not my cup of tea. Did that stop her from bringing me gifts? No! Where my short, curt, often sarcastic responses to her endless questions about the state of my health and well-being a deterrent? No! Her mere presence got on my nerves! She rubbed me the wrong way! I hated her hair, the way she dressed, her high-pitched laughter, and how her scent lingered in a room long after she left it. My mother-in-law was a royal pain in my butt, and I felt ashamed, embarrassed, and sad about the way I felt about her. I wanted to like her. I just couldn’t do it because she represented pieces and parts of myself that I had failed to recognize, understand, or embrace.

W
HY WOULD ANYONE BE NICE TO ME
?

I grew up in a family where very few people were nice to me. The story I told myself was that the big people in my life tolerated my presence until they needed me to do something for them. Then and only then would they say something nice to me or smile at me. The children in my family took their cues from the big people. I was the butt of most of the jokes, and I got blamed for almost everything. As a result, I developed a healthy suspicion of most people, particularly nice people.
Why would anyone be nice to me?
If my father, brother, sister, other relatives, and houseguests treated me with disdain, anyone who was being nice to me must want something—or must be crazy. In any event, whatever they wanted, even if it was a simple answer to a harmless, benign question, I was not going to give it to them.

One day at work, a person I rarely interacted with said something to me that sat me down in shock.

“You are such a nice person. You are always willing to help other people, and that is a very admirable quality.”

“Who, me?”

“Yes, you. I think people misunderstand you because you don’t say much, and when you do, it can sound rather harsh. But I see how you never go to lunch without asking if you can bring back something. I see how you always pick up copies from the machine and distribute them. I see how you always fill the candy jar on your desk and never complain when it’s all gone by the end of the day. Those are nice things you do, and I notice them. Thank you.”

I thought she had lost her mind. The truth is, without a moment’s reflection, I lost mine. When I heard her words, I lost the hard, suspicious, wounded, broken parts of my mind that prevented me from seeing the truth about myself. I lost years of childhood memories and slights and wounds that had allowed me to see only what I thought was the worst of me in everyone else. I lost all of the anger that I could not express toward the big people in my childhood homes. More important, I lost my suspicion of nice people. If I was one of them, I certainly could not be mean and nasty toward them. That would mean I had to be mean to myself. That was something I couldn’t knowingly do because there were enough other people in my life who had had that job.

The day after my daughter was born, my mother-in-law said something that would change our relationship and my life.

“You remind me so much of myself when I was younger. I was so angry and very arrogant. I was angry because I was hurt. I was arrogant because everyone I knew and loved had failed to acknowledge how deeply they had hurt me. I spent the better part of my life mad at the world until I learned to forgive. I hope that now that you are a mother you will learn how to forgive, because you are going to need that saving grace one day. Children have a funny way of breaking your heart—many times over.”

With that, she kissed my daughter, then me, and left the room.

If only someone had told me that I had a right to be angry at my mother for dying and leaving me, it would have saved me years of grief. Had I known when I was sitting on the steps waiting for my father, knowing he was not going to show up, that I had permission to hit something or say something, it would have helped me understand what I was feeling. As children we are often told what not to feel and what not to say. As a result, we often grow into adults who believe that what we feel is wrong and what we want to say is not nice. The result is that we judge what we feel, believing it is unacceptable. When what we feel in our hearts is unacceptable, we can become emotionally dishonest and/or disconnected. When we disconnect from our hearts, our feelings, our emotional being, we also disconnect from our personal power. True power comes from the heart, not the head.

T
RUE POWER COMES FROM THE HEART, NOT THE HEAD
.

Feelings come and they pass. Whatever we are feeling in any given moment is just a passing experience. Our work is to learn to accept what we feel and to learn to let it pass. If not, we can get stuck in judging our instinctive responses to people and circumstances. When that happens, forgiveness is the only ticket out and up.

D
AILY
F
ORGIVENESS
P
ROCESS
R
EMINDERS

For a more detailed explanation of the
Daily Forgiveness Process Guidelines
,

Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed for at least 30 to 60 minutes.
Still your mind for at least 5 minutes or listen to the
Stillness Meditation.
Read the Forgiveness Prayer once silently and once aloud.
Scan the
Emotional Triggers
List.
Write out the 12 Forgiveness Statements for each day’s topic on thinking, judging, and believing in your Forgiveness Journal (Days 1–18). Write your Forgiveness Letters (Days 19–21).
Perform your Pro EFT™ Forgiveness Tapping Sequences.
Process thoughts and feelings consciously through your Forgiveness Journal Reflections.
Listen to the
Gratitude Meditation
on the Forgiveness CD.
Complete the day’s practice in quiet reflection or with meditative music.
Be sure to do something good for yourself today!

I F
ORGIVE
M
YSELF FOR
J
UDGING
M
Y
F
EELINGS

T
oday’s Forgiveness Practice is about forgiving your feelings or emotional responses. Have you ever felt crappy, treated other people in a crappy way, and then beat yourself up for it? Well, if you have, it means you’re truly human, and that’s not fatal. Emotions or feelings are the energy that moves us. They are influenced by our internal landscape, the environment, stress, our diet, even newspaper headlines! In other words, what we feel in any given moment is a function of many factors, some of which we may not be aware of.

E
MOTIONS OR FEELINGS ARE THE ENERGY THAT MOVES US
.

For today’s practice, give yourself permission to really examine the places where you believe you should not feel what you feel. Be mindful not to label anything as good or bad, right or wrong. Reflect and review on the situations, circumstances, and relationships where emotional dishonesty, shutdown, or disconnection may be at play, and forgive whatever you feel.

A P
RAYER OF
F
ORGIVENESS

Dear God:

Thank you for making the entire human race and me so wonderfully complex. You have given us free will. You have blessed us with the powers of thought and choice. You have filled us with the capacity to love, and You know the depths to which we fall when love is not present. Today, I ask for and open myself to receive a total and complete healing of any and all toxic emotions at their deepest roots and causes. I give You complete and total permission to allow You to lift any unproductive, unloving energy that can be lifted and to transform them into pure white light. I ask that You create in me a clean heart and restore me to a state of innocence and grace. For this and so much more, I am so grateful.

I let it be as You desire!

And so it is!