Forced Out of the Darkness (7 page)

            This Sunday
the choir sung like they have been through the storm. They sang a song about
this being only a test that you are going through. They encouraged the
congregants by saying it is going to be over real soon if we keep the faith and
never let go because it is only a test. The soloist was truly a COGIC woman. She
did not wear any make-up but you could feel that she had a relationship with
God. As she ministered in song, it reached Cameron’s soul. It was not a fake or
made up praise, she truly worshiped God from experience. This experience with
God connected with Cameron’s relationship with God. She sang so well until
Cameron got goose bumps on his arms. He knew that this was going to be a
service where he would go home feeling empowered and renewed and not beat down.

            The pastor
came up to the podium to deliver the sermon for the service. The pastor was a
young pastor. One could tell that he was raised in the church because he had
mannerisms of those that had been in church for years. He was 42 years old but
his demeanor showed that he had an old soul. Despite the salt and pepper in his
goatee he was quite attractive. He was charismatic and educated which helped
him articulate the sermon skillfully.

“Turn to the 37
^th
Division of Psalm, the 4
^th
verse. The Word says:
Delight thyself
also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

This scripture was very
familiar to Cameron.

“If I were to take a
title for the sermon today…it would be…
What does your heart desire?”

This title immediately
caught Cameron’s attention. Was the Pastor sitting on the phone with Cameron on
one of his phone calls? This sermon was going to be right up Cameron’s alley.

“There are many
different types of desires. For the purpose of this sermon, we will talk about
three of them. The natural desire, separation desire, and holistic desire. The
natural desires are the desires that are needed for survival. These are the
ones that when we notice we do something about them. The separation desires are
those desires that you want and you know you can’t have. These cause you to
feel bad and to mourn the loss of something that you never had in the first
place.”

Cameron was listening
intently to the sermon because he needed a clear understanding about what his
desires were and how to ensure that they were under control.

“Money and relationships
are often in this category. People desire to be loved, accepted, and
acknowledged. When people find out they have this type of desire they do not
believe that it can happen to them and then they believe that they need this to
be happy. It is this inability to have it that causes the separation, which
brings about the undesired emotions. The last desire is the holistic desire. People
who have everything experience this. These people are whole and complete. Whether
they have it or not, they are ok because they feel good right now.”

            The
congregation was giving each other high fives as the preacher continued down
desire lane, explaining in detail how the different desires affect the person. Many
people were taking notes as the preacher was explaining.

            “Your
character is the true identifier of what you truly desire. Our desires are
revealed through our character, our self-esteem, our purpose and our thinking. You
cannot have worldly cravings or desires for corrupt things and corrupt people
if you have the mind of Christ. The Bible says, let this mind be in you, which
was also in Christ Jesus. If you take on the mind of Christ, your desires would
line up with those of the Father. These are the desires that he promised to
give you when you delight yourself in him. God has a great amount of blessings
and promises for you if you delight yourself in him.”

             The
message today was a powerful one. Though the preacher did not yell and scream,
Cameron was touched by the word as it came forth.

            “You have
to make sure that you guard your heart and your desires. Become one with God
and you will be able to synchronize your desires with those of the Father. God
wishes that you prosper and be in good health. Being in a bad relationship is
not prosperous and it is not being in good health. Someone needs to hear that
they have to get back in tune with their inner man and stop ignoring the signs
that you have been given. Your desires are not lining up with God’s and this
path is only leading to destruction.”

As he preached, Cameron
felt the message. He wanted to be one with God but did not know how to
synchronize his desires with God’s.

Cameron prayed and
fasted many days and nights. He gave up drinking and partying to get a closer
walk with God. He wanted peace in his life and not conflict. He just wanted to
live life and leave a legacy of work on earth at the end of his days. He never
felt that he was perverted or demon possessed. He sometimes found himself mad
at God for not honoring his prayers. He prayed to be released from these
non-affirming same sex feelings but nothing he did changed his attractions. He
did know his mistakes were not done with ill intentions but was done with a
pure heart and he strived to be better each day.

After the sermon, Cameron
went down for prayer and was feeling empowered after alter call was over. He
knew that he would be able to get through this week. Cameron prayed and asked
God to reveal things to him that were being hidden in the darkness, reveal
those people who were close to him or those that wanted to be close to him. He
was even encouraged to come back next week because today he was not beaten down
by mean spirited man-ology presented as theology. That is what he called
doctrine that was created by man to beat down the sin of the month. “Thank God
this was not the week for that foolishness.” Cameron exhaled as he pulled out
of the parking lot headed to J. Alexander to meet up with Shaine.

“How was your service?”
Cameron asked Monti.

“It was good and spirit
filled.”

“What church do you go
to again?”

“One day I will take
you with me. Are we still on for tonight?” Monti eluded the question.

“Wow, did you just blow
me off?”

“No, I am just excited
to be able to see you tonight. We are still on for tonight, right?”

“Humm.” Cameron thought,
“there’s something strange about this guy.”

Monti was also conflicted.
He wanted true love in his life and wanted to go into the relationship with a
clean conscious. He didn’t want to have to look over his shoulder and wonder
when his past would come to haunt him. Not only had he been hurt by others, he
had also hurt others. Fear crippled him and deception continued to eat at his
soul. Monti was one of those men that gave the allusion that he was a straight
man, because he was not comfortable in his own skin.

He was all about
keeping up appearances. He was deathly afraid of being vulnerable to others. He
was vulnerable when he went to talk to his father about the feelings he was
having. He was vulnerable when he talked to that boy in the high school locker
room and told him he liked him and wanted to spend some time hanging out. He
was vulnerable when he told his wife “for better, for worse, for richer, for
poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” But vulnerability
did nothing but bring hurt and pain to Monti. He was not going to let this wall
come down anytime soon. He was comfortable living an ambiguous life; but there
was a spot deep in the recesses of his soul that wanted the light to shine in
the darkness of his soul and liberate him from his inner prison.

“Yes, Monti, we are
still on for tonight. I am pulling up to the restaurant to meet my best friend.
I am going to stop at the store before I go home. I will be waiting for you
when you get to the house.”

“Ok, I am looking forward
to it. Enjoy your time with your bestie and I will see you soon.”

“Thanks.”

“Bye.”

Chapter
Twelve

A W
oman
S
corned

Dinner was good and the
company was even better. Shaine always knew just what to say to make sure that
everything was ok. However, today Cameron shared more information about Monti
to Shaine. She knew that there was something about this Monti that her best
friend was getting himself involved with. She could not put her finger on it
but she knew that something was not right.

The things that Cameron
shared with her made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. The only thing
that she could tell him was to be careful and make sure to keep the Smith &
Wesson close by. Shaine felt that this journey her friend was on would be full
of unnecessary drama but he was adamant about taking this trip. She committed
to being there for her best friend regardless to what happened.

After they ate, Cameron
walked Shaine to her car and then went to his. He had to go to the store to
pick up a few things. Cameron believed in safe sex, he needed to get some
condoms because he didn’t have any. He and Guy didn’t use them after they had
been together for a while and been tested three times to be safe. He also
wanted to get some libations for the evening. He definitely wanted to get his
groove on in real time. The shower was nice and was necessary for that moment;
however today he needed some physical stimulation. Cameron knew he wanted to
get a few drinks into Monti so he would let down his guards and be more open.

            When
Cameron got home, he looked at the clock on the wall as he was making it up the
stairs. He wanted to make sure he had enough time to ensure that everything was
right. He had about 45 minutes before Monti would be there. He laid out a
natural linen pants suit so he could be comfortable tonight. He took out his
brown Aldo sandals and his Marc Jacobs cologne. He got in the shower and was
brought back to two days ago when he opened the black raspberry and vanilla
shower gel. This time his manhood was not driving the shower. He hoped that in
a few hours he would be back up here in the shower scrubbing the evidence of an
orgasmic evening down the drain.

            Cameron got
out the shower; towel dried and did his signature baby oil rub down, then his
white cotton with Shea butter body cream. He brushed his perfectly straight and
white teeth. He had to keep his smile at the top of its game. After those eyes,
the next thing he made sure people saw was his pearly whites. He went back in
the bedroom and put on his linen clothes. He did a one over in the full-length
mirror he had at the top of the stairs. Damn, did he look and feel good. As he
was admiring God’s handiwork in the mirror, the doorbell buzzed. He knew that
tonight he would break Monti into the world of Cameron.

            Cameron
answered the door and Monti was breathless. Last time in this same foyer,
Cameron was the one left breathless. This time the tables were turned and
Cameron had the first laugh.

            “Wow,
Cameron. You look great.” Monti said.

            “Thanks. I
was hoping that you would like it.”

            “Like it is
not the word for it.”

            “Really? What
would you call it then?”

            “I love it.
You are just one sexy man and you know how to make a brother’s eye catch a
cavity.”

            “Thanks,
Monti. I appreciate it. Let’s go upstairs.”

            They made
their way up the stairs to the living room. Cameron asked Monti if he wanted to
listen to music or watch television. He had just bought a sixty-inch flat
screen that was mounted on the wall.

Monti said he wanted to
start with the television and end with the music. Cameron offered to show the
box office hit that broke the stereotypical view of gay men. Monti had never
heard of the movie
Brokeback Mountain,
but he was willing to check it
out. It was one of Cameron’s favorite movies. He first saw it with Guy in San
Diego on one of the many trips he took to visit him. Cameron went and retrieved
the libations he picked up from the liquor store on his way home from dinner. He
didn’t tell Monti what he was about to get but he just poured the J.C. on the
rocks and made himself a Jack and coke with a lime. They settled in to watch
the movie. Monti could not believe that these actors played gay characters with
such conviction. He only knew of the gay boys the strolled Palmer Park and the
bookstores. He knew of them because these were some of his late night horny
spots. He had spilled his seed on those grounds many nights when he could not
satisfy his own sexual appetite or if he was under too much stress. Plus they
were far enough away from where he lived so he never thought he would meet
anyone that he knew.

The movie was over and
more drinks each were shared among the two. They were listening to Rachelle
Farrell and Will Downing murder their duet
Nothing has Ever Felt Like This
,
when Monti’s phone began to ring. He declined the call two times. He told
Cameron that if he didn’t answer it, his soon-to-be ex-wife would keep calling.
Monti excused himself and answered the phone while he was walking down the
stairs to take the call outside.