Forced Out of the Darkness (6 page)

Chapter Ten

Acts of
B
etrayal

“Hey Monti. How are
you?”

“I’m doing good man.
How are you?”

“I’m sitting here chillin seeing
what’s going on. You had a long day? How was rehearsal?”

“Oh man, it was long I had to get
the team prepared for Sunday’s service.”

“Oh ok, I know how difficult
it could be trying to get that perfect.”

“They act like they don’t know
their parts and we’ve been singing the songs for months. It just got me
frustrated, but all in all everything was well.”

Cameron and Monti continued
their conversation about what happened throughout the day. Cameron filled Monti
in about brunch and him taking the rest of the day to relax. Monti wanted to
tell Cameron about his past, but he was scared that Cameron couldn’t take it
and that he wouldn’t want to get to know him better. Because of shame, Monti further
kept his secrets. Monti was not ready to divulge his deep dark secrets nor was
he ready to deal with them on his own. His upbringing proved that secrets
should remain secret and no one would find out about them. This thinking would
soon prove Monti wrong.

“When are we going to
see each other again?” Cameron asked.

“I don’t know man. When
did you want to see me?”

“I hope soon because I
really enjoyed spending time with you yesterday. You were a breath of fresh air
and even though you didn’t tell me your name initially. I feel that you’re a
good guy and I’m definitely wanting to see where this will lead.”

Monti wanted to see
where this would lead also, but he wasn’t sure if he was ready for Cameron’s
realness. Monte was not an openly gay man and he was heavily involved in the
church. Cameron, too, was heavily involved in church but didn’t face the same
issues that Monti did. He knew that he did not want to go back to his wife
especially after the stunt she pulled when he had to go to the hospital. He
loved his children, however he did not want to be unhappy in his day-to-day
life. He also didn’t want them to feel the constant tension between he and
Yolanda. He didn’t have any examples growing up of parents that raised their
children separately. He remembered growing up in a military family that would
move every few years due to his father being reassigned to different posts
throughout the world, but they were always together. Monti did not like
possibility that his children would be raised in two separate homes.

“So Monti, tell me
something about you that I should know that I don’t know?”

“I don’t know man what
do you want to know?”

“When I looked at you
at dinner last night I got to see that there were some sadness in your eyes
what caused that?”

“I’m not sure what
you’re talking about. I guess you’re reading into things that are not there. I
used to work in construction so because of my job, as a roofer, my eyes were
darker.”

That damn Cameron, he was too observant and his
observations made Monti feel uncomfortable. Monty had every intention on being
honest and straightforward with Cameron but he really had to get to know him
first. Until that time, Monti felt that he was going to keep his business to
himself until he was ready to reveal it. Right now, the first thing on Monti’s
agenda was to see Cameron again because he was horny and wanted Cameron to take
care of it.

“Cameron, can I ask you
a question?”

“Sure go ahead.”

“What are you in to
sexually?”

“I’m just a sexual
person. I don’t like to fall into sexual roles such as top or bottom. I just
like to be me and go with the flow.”

Monty didn’t understand
how it was that Cameron could be so free-spirited and just live life like there
was no care. What Monty didn’t know was that Cameron had his own demons that he
had to deal with also. He didn’t understand that Cameron just ended a relationship
with Guy who helped him to understand who he was and to embrace who he was and
will be. Cameron had not so long ago just decided to be an openly gay man, at
least outside of the church. He thought Cameron didn’t have the pressures to be
a straight man because he didn’t have a wife.

“Cameron, because you
say that, you know the saying whatever you did to get the man you have to do to
keep them.”

            “That’s
what you think Monti? My thoughts on it is that you keep communication open and
you talk about things are that bothering you. A relationship should have trust
and respect for each other so that you can talk about it and make the
appropriate adjustments as needed.”

“Ok, I can respect
that. Cameron, you come from a place deep within yourself. I really want to get
to know you better. I want to get to know you like the Bible says, too. There
aren’t many brothers that intrigue me like you do. I think we can both benefit
from seeing this thing farther. It will never be one-sided.”

            What
Cameron seriously wanted was an equal-effort relationship. He knew that two gay
men could have a successful monogamous relationship despite what the naysayers
had to say. Yes, he knew that men were men and they loved nasty freaky sex but
would he be able to be free within the confines of this relationship? “Humm,”
he thought, “what an oxy-moron”

“I like the way that
sounds; but are you able to do that?” Cameron responded.

“Yes, I can. I was
married before, but my wife cheated on me.” Monti said.

“Married? Tell me about
that. What happened with that?”

            “Well I
wanted kids and a family so I met a girl from around the neighborhood in my
early twenty’s. We ended up getting to know each other and found out that we
liked each other. We ended up getting married. We tried to have a baby but she
wasn’t able to get pregnant. We adopted a boy from an adoption agency. Their
mother was a heavy drug user. We thought this was our opportunity to complete
our family. We had an immaculate home. When you walked into our house, you
thought that you were in a house featured in a magazine. I had it laid out. Then
one day, my wife got pregnant. We were happy and had an addition to the family.
After our son was four years old, I came home from work to find my wife in bed
with my best friend. And I lost it. I just packed up my stuff and took the kids
to my mom’s house. She didn’t want the kids or me, so we are separated.”

“Question for you…when
did you get divorced?”

“We are not divorced
yet. We are currently separated.”

“Wow, you did not tell
me that you were still married?”

“Well…I didn’t think it
mattered because we are separated and eventually going to get a divorce.”

“Do I have to worry
about you going back to your wife and kids? Where does this leave me in the
picture? I can compete with any man on the planet but I can’t compete with no
woman. I don’t have the right body parts.”

“No, you don’t have to
worry about me going back to her. It is over. She cheated on me and I can’t get
that picture out of my head. I can’t go back to her. I don’t trust her.”

            Monti was
always the epitome of confidence and security on the exterior. Deep inside, he
was a man that was broken from years of hurt from those he let close to him. He
never received acceptance and love from his father, who always thought that he
was one of those ‘soft’ boys. He never received a hug from his father because
Mr. Burroughs thought that boys didn’t need affection. He thought they needed tough
love in order to grow into tough men. Monti married because he thought that it
would make the relationship he had with his father better.

            The biggest
hurt that came was when he came home from work early that autumn day. He wanted
to surprise his wife and take her out for lunch. They had been having arguments
lately because she felt that her husband was distant. He was not able to fully
connect to her like she felt that a husband should. She practically begged him
to have sex but he always had excuses. The truth of the matter was that he was
screwing both men and women outside of the relationship. Lunch times at the
strip clubs with the construction crew were ample times for him to go to the
back room to do the freaky stuff his wife was to good to do. Leaving for work
early to stop off at a guy’s house for that early morning nut had him drained
when he came home from work. He was searching for someone to love him and to
validate him because Yolanda didn’t.

            When Monti
walked into his home and smelled sex in the air. When he went up the stairs, he
heard the sounds of ecstasy. When he walked up to his bedroom door and heard
his wife saying, “Yes, fuck me harder.” When he opened the bedroom and saw someone
else balls deep in his wife’s pussy. When he saw his best friend, whom he ran
track with in school, was the man taking her to that place that was reserved
for he and her alone. He lost his sense of self. He lost his confidence. He
lost his security. He lost his trust in people. He died that day and in this
shell of a man grew this darkness that was the Monti today.

“Oh ok. You sure do
know how to dump some shit on a guy.” Cameron said.

“I’m sorry but you
wanted to ask me the questions.”

“So it is my fault?”

“You asked the
questions, not me.”

“I guess. If you were
open you would have told me this without me having to ask.” Cameron said
playfully.

“You got that one…what
do you have up for tomorrow?” Monti asked.

“I am off this weekend
so I am going to church and then meet up with Shaine for our regular Sunday
dinner. After that I am free. What about you?”

“I have church, other
than that I have no plans. How about we hook up after you are done? I can come
to you. I do want to see you again. Plus you are sexy as hell and you
definitely turn a brother on.”

“Thanks for the
compliment. I appreciate it. I do want to see you again Mr. Married Man. Yes,
you can come by say about 7:00 or 8:00 pm, ok?”

“That is fine with me. Sleep
tight and I will see you tomorrow.”

“Good night, Monti.”

Chapter Eleven

a P
rophetic
W
arning

Lately,
Cameron was losing his desire to attend
church. He would leave church some days feeling worse than he did when he arrived.
Growing up, attending church was solace for Cameron. The pastor told everyone’s
business from the pulpit under the guise of God revealing it, when in fact, the
information was gained by the sheepish followers telling him. He loved church. In
church, Cameron found himself lost in the praise and worship but he loved good
preaching also. For many years, Cameron was able to sort through the hatred
that was spit from the pulpit to find the love of the God that was there for
him in his dark times. It was getting harder, as Cameron matured in life and in
his understanding of God, for Cameron to continue to embrace the traditional
church because they strayed away from the love of God to the hatred of man. Cameron
knew that he had to live in truth. That truth was that he was a gay man, formed
in the image of a loving God. He had to find the inner peace that was
comfortable with him being a sexual being…after all God created that too,
right?

            Cameron was
an upstanding Christian man who lived life according to the Bible to the best
of his ability. Cameron wanted to please God and be happy with his life. He was
contradictory because religion conflicted with genetics. Or was it that genetics
conflicted with religion? All Cameron knew was that he loved God with all his
heart but a good-looking man turned his head. He did not wake up each morning
and say…“hey, I think I will like muscles and facial hair today.” He heard the
statement, “God loves the sinner, but hates the sin.” That didn’t help him with
his conflict. According to church teachings, men like Cameron were supposed to
be celibate and turn off all desires for emotional attachment. He would be
required to abandon all needs and desires for Eros love. According to church
teaching, jacking off was even forbidden. What was he supposed to do? Oh yeah,
maybe he was just supposed to become a eunuch, but that was not going to
happen.

            Cameron
pulled up to the church and had to park in the parking lot across the street
because the main parking lot was already full. He said his greetings to the
other parishioners as he made his way into the building. The sanctuary was
already filling up as the saints waited for the minister to come out and lead
the opening prayer. Cameron found his way towards the front of the sanctuary. He
liked to be near the alter and also close enough to the front to avoid distractions
from the latecomers and the ones who only came to look and criticize. He felt
he could concentrate more on the sermon when he was up front. There were a lot
of sexy guys that came to his church and he had to stay focused in order for him
to get the message. As with other churches, Cameron’s was a place to meet other
men of like minds.