Every Little Piece (27 page)

The invitation is still clutched in my hand. I tear it open like a child, ripping the envelope into pieces. Just what I thought. The pretty invitation. Curly type. Their names in big letters. Everything drawing me to them. But in the corner is a scribbled note.

Hope to see you there. We’d love for you to say a little something. If we don’t hear from you, we’ll take it as a yes. If you’re not ready, that’s fine too.

The whole time it was here. Right on the invitation. I could’ve been prepared. I could’ve said no. Strength rises up within me. It’s time. I wasn’t ready even one hour ago. But a lot can change in one hour. Seth told me the truth. He owned up. Now it’s my turn. Everything I’ve wanted to say to them in the past year. The goodbyes, the sorries. They bubble up from within me. I push up and get on my knees.

“Kama. Brin.”

It’s the first time I’ve said their names out loud. I reach out and hold their hands. The smell of Brin’s strawberry shampoo and Kama’s hair gel wash over me. Their skin is soft. Oh my God. It hurts. I miss them so much. My best friends. Two of the only friends who really knew me. I hold tight and don’t let go.

“Brin and Kama, I’m so sorry. I let you down that night.” My voice breaks again, which I didn’t think was possible. “It was me. Or partly me. I cared so much about Seth that I put us all in danger. I panicked. We should’ve called the police or his parents, and stayed at Justine’s. I never should’ve fought with him. It wasn’t worth it and it cost us everything.”

My rage toward Seth fades. I want to hold onto it and blame him but I can’t. I was just as much a part of this. Every single one us played a part in that night. There are too many what ifs that could change what happened. If I played that game or the blame game the list would be endless.

None of it can change what happened. All I can do is change today and maybe tomorrow. I squeeze their hands and see their eyes wavering in front of me. A smile breaks across my face, stretching muscles that feel foreign.

“Thank you. For being my friends. For laughing. For loving me. For always being there. I’m sorry…I’m so sorry. Kama that you’ll never do great things on stage. You would’ve been a star. Brin and I would’ve been there opening night. We would’ve brought you the biggest bouquet of flowers ever made and bragged all over town about you.”

I pause and take several deep breaths. “And Brin. My best friend since we were kids. Thank you for putting up with all my middle school hormones and sticking with me. I’ll never forget getting into my mom’s make-up and heading into town. We looked like prostitutes. Remember my mom’s face when we got back?”

Then the darker moments enter my mind. We had our fair share. “I’ll never forget the night you broke, when your mom’s drinking got worse. Life wasn’t fair to you that way. You would’ve gone on to great things. You would’ve healed and maybe have found a great guy. I would’ve made sure of it. I promise.” My voice drops to a whisper and I can barely get the words out.

“So thank you. For everything. I’ll love you forever.”

For one brief moment, a strange feeling steals over me. My tears dry and somewhere deep inside I feel a heartbeat. A slow thump, and then another. Peace. For the first time I feel a seed of hope and peace. It still needs a lot of water and sunshine to poke through the tangled weeds that choke my heart and have been growing thick all year. But maybe someday.

I kiss their graves and let go of their hands. I roll over onto my back and stare up at the wispy clouds floating across the sky. The branches of an oak tree offer a little shade and move up and down in the breeze.

I can’t help but think of Seth. Someone I love who’s still breathing, still living. A friend. One who made mistakes. A lot of them. But I’m not in a place to point fingers. He’s leaving me behind. I told him to go. He said he was going to make things right. How?

He was driving that night. He was alone.

He was drinking. He was in an accident.

He didn’t tell a soul. Then he moved away.

I think about Kama’s mom. The words she said to me just an hour or so ago needle me. I nodded, barely registering what she said. I strain to remember. She was so glad to have this mystery wrapped up? But…but if that was the case, why or how could Seth make things right? If the car accident wasn’t my fault, then whose was it? If it was Seth’s and the mystery solved, he’d be in jail.

My heart rate shoots out of my chest. In two seconds I’m on my feet and sprinting. Ten feet away I stop and run back. I hugged each grave once more and kissed the top. “Love you.”

Then I take off, back toward the church. My feet fly. The wind is my friend and helps me along from behind. With each step my body throbs and pain shoots through my side but I push through it. The white building of the church appears and soon I’m taking the steps two at a time. The church doors fly open. The dust floats in the sunlight streaming in behind me.

Everyone stares.

“Where you gonna go?” Katie asks.

She sits on the edge of my bed. Her hands are under her legs and she’s rocking back and forth.

“Not sure.”

“You going back to my dad’s?”

I shrug. I could be going away for a long time.

“What about the boys at the club. Weren’t you thinking of volunteering there?” she asks.

“I can’t help these kids until I’m better. Mandy was right. I can’t use them to solve my problems.”

She grabs my duffel and holds it out of my reach. “And running away does?”

I grab it back and scowl. “I can’t stay here, okay? If you want, I’ll drive you back to your dad’s, but I can’t promise I’ll stay. You’re more than welcome to stay here. I know my parents and Justine will look out for you.”

“What about Haley?” she prods.

Katie’s not stupid. I haven’t told her anything but she’s seen what a wreck I’ve been the past year.

I shove the last of my socks in and zip the bag closed. Every part of me doesn’t want to leave Haley behind. She’ll eventually forgive and forget. But will I? I don’t know. Her sweet smile is imprinted on my heart and her very being intertwines with mine and has since I first fell for her years ago.

“You still love her, don’t you?”

I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt Katie. She’s been a good friend. I sigh. I can’t leave her like this. I sit on the bed. “Thanks for everything. For being my friend. I can’t stay around here.”

She lowers her head.

I lean over and kiss her cheek. “You’ve been the one bright spot in my life this past year. I don’t know if I could’ve made it through without you. You helped me forget. But I can’t keep living a lie. I have to own up to everything.”

“What happened?” she asks.

“I made a mistake and now I have to own up. I don’t know what will happen.”

“Does this have to do with Haley and the service today?”

I nod yes. “It has a lot to do with me too.” I close my eyes and stave off the feelings of loss at leaving Haley again. Except this time it’s for the right reasons. This time I can leave without my tail tucked between my legs.

“I’ll miss you,” she says. “Promise you’ll text?”

“Promise.” I pull her into a hug. What I don’t tell her is that where I’m going I probably won’t be allowed to text.

I pull away and head downtown. Katie will be okay. I talked to Justine and know that someone will be looking out for her. I’d rather her never learn the truth because I’d hate to see the adoration and respect shattered in her expression. But soon it will be all over the news and everyone will know. I find an odd peace in that. After carrying around this secret for the past year, I’ll be glad to trade it in for a cell.

The police station is up on my right and now that I’m here my palms stick to the steering wheel and a knot forms in my stomach. Before I chicken out, I park and walk inside. A uniform sits behind the desk reading through paperwork. Her face is lined with boredom. I stand in front of her. I clear my throat.

“Can I help you?”

I nod and swallow, trying to find my voice so I don’t sound like a frog. “I’d like to confess to a crime.”

A classmate is at the podium talking. Words burn inside my chest. An endless speech everyone needs to hear. Like remember them, love them, but you have to keep living the best you can. For them. Live and love for them. Honor them. But don’t die because they did. Noah stands, but I hold up my hand. I rush, almost tripping down the aisle and drop in front of Kama’s mom.

She reaches for my hand and squeezes. “What is it?”

I’m a mess. My eyes are so swollen, and they pound and throb. My hair must be a matted mess but I don’t care. I can’t speak right away. I’m too out of breath.

“Take your time, dear. I’m not going anywhere.”

I look at her, into Kama’s blue eyes. “What did you mean earlier? What did you mean that the mystery has been wrapped up?”

She tilts her head and gives me a weak smile. “We never held you responsible. Not for rain, not for hydroplaning. But the side-on collision didn’t make complete sense to us. Not an impact that would cause instant death. We hired an investigator.”

I lower my head, but she places her hand on my chin and lifts it back up. “Not to investigate you. But to find the truth.”

The truth? Was there such a thing as real truth? Isn’t my truth different from hers, different from Seth’s, different from Carly’s, different from Justine’s? How could truth be pulled from this wreck? Who could find the missing thread that with one little tug would unravel it all? It couldn’t be that simple.

“The truck that hit you must’ve been going extremely fast. Too fast for the average driver. Long story short, a man who had previous charges of drunk driving and driving to endanger, hit you that night. He’d been drinking. Sobered up and in rehab, he owned up to hitting a car that night. He was sentenced last month. Life in prison.” She smiled but it was a sad smile. “Justice prevailed.” She patted my hand. “It doesn’t bring them back or change what happened but hopefully another tragedy has been prevented.”

I am reeling. This simple truth unravels me. It moves my heart and pumps life into my soul. “This whole year I thought it was me,” I say, my voice strained. I admit my truth for the past year, the one that has haunted me and pulled me into the black nothingness I called living.

Kama’s mom pulls me into another hug and whispers into my ear. “It wasn’t your fault. You were just the one who survived. For whatever reason, you lived. So live your life, Haley. Live it for them. Live it fully. Go find love and do what you do with all your heart. Never take this life for granted. It’s what they would want.”

Tears fall from my eyes and splash onto her clothes. I pull away and wipe my eyes, laughing. “I’m so sorry. Your shirt.”

“I don’t give a damn about my shirt.” She wipes away a stray tear. “I want to make sure you understand that truth. Do you?”

I nod. Then Seth’s words tug at me. He’s leaving. He’s making things right. What does that mean? I give Kama’s mom and dad another hug and Brin’s mom too. “I have to go.”

I rush out of the church, leaving the wide eyes and the whispers behind.

My parents stop me right outside the door.

“Haley?” Dad asks. “Are you okay? We can bring you back to the hospital.”

I look between my parents, the two people who might love me most in the world, and my tears are endless. I hug them and they hug me back. “Please. I need to do something, and then I’ll return to the hospital.”

They hold me at arm’s length. “Are you sure?”

I nod and then the urgency rises up, demanding that I go before it’s too late. “I’m sorry. I have to go!” Then I run.

In the parking lot, I jump in Noah’s car. The keys are under the seat like always. Hopefully, he won’t mind. I send Seth a quick text telling him I need to see him, then I don’t even think but start the engine and drive out onto the road. My arms shake and I drive slow.

My heart thumps, scared for Seth. And what he might do with what he thought was his truth.

I hope I’m not too late.

I drive through streets that were once familiar to me. That I once drove through all the time. The memories are sharp and painful, but I refuse to let them drag me down. Kama’s mom’s words burn in my spirit like a candle against a dark night. They guide me and keep me strong.