Every Little Piece (26 page)

My hands feel empty and I wish for flowers or something to lay on their graves. That would be nice. But today, this visit is about so much more than offering a tribute, saying a few words and then leaving.

So much more.

The crowd in the church will soon make their way out here. I’ll be gone before they arrive.

The closer I get, the dread builds, creating an ache in my stomach. I move slower. The truth weighs heavy on my shoulders, and I’m tired of carrying this around. There they are. The twin graves. The families decided to bury them together. Kama and Brin. Beloved friends. Cherished family.

My heart is pumping at full steam, like they’re watching, wondering why I’m here. Do they know what happened? Or are they in limbo somewhere not knowing why they died? Or maybe they know and they’re yelling at me to leave, that I don’t deserve to be here.

I push forward and drop to my knees. The gravestones have strains of a light gray, almost silver, running through them. Flowers have already been left. Along with notes from classmates who came here first. I lower my gaze. My head and heart are empty. Where do I begin?

“Hi.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “It’s been a while.”

Lame. Totally lame. I know that. This is hard, almost as if they’re standing right in front of me. Harder than telling Haley the truth in the hospital. I think back on her. This is her day. I’ll leave and she’ll be able to move on. But I let myself get lost in the memory of us, which now I realize was like a blink of time.

The first time I met Haley on the playground. Our moms knew each other and we played on the slide. She played her first prank on me. I was a goner. I didn’t know girls could be cool. I didn’t know they could be like boys and have fun and do smart things, instead of tattling on boys and playing with dolls. Haley Sparks was the ultimate girl and still is. My chest heaves and a sob escapes. I force my thoughts away.

“I’m sorry, Brin, Kama. This took way too long. But I’m here now. I’m here to tell you everything. Something I should’ve done last year.”

Why did I run away so fast? Haley. It was all about her. I’d caused her such grief, and I thought leaving would save her the heartache of seeing me every day. A constant reminder of what happened. But that was a lie I told myself. I couldn’t face her. I couldn’t face them. And I couldn’t face myself. So I ran.

Footsteps run through the cemetery, hitting the soft grass as if they’re in a hurry. I panic because they shouldn’t be moving out here yet, and I don’t want to be seen. I jump to my feet and turn, tense.

Haley breaks through the graves but stops suddenly when she sees me. Her eyes are red and swollen. The breeze moves her hair and I’m afraid she’ll topple over. Her face is haunted and her eyes so sad that my heart breaks a little more. The shame spreads across my cheeks.

She glances around and takes a step back, as if to run.

I stretch out my hand. “It’s okay. I’ll go.”

She tilts her head and the shock of seeing me seems to have distracted her. “I thought you’d be gone.”

I shrug. “I had some last words to say. Goodbyes.”

Her eyes betray her, reflecting the hurt, as she studies me, piercing me, trying to figure me out. But I’m not exactly a puzzle. She knows everything. I told her all of it.

“Is the ceremony over?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “Almost. I kinda ran out on it.” Her voice catches and she whispers, “It was too hard.”

I don’t say anything but I understand. I couldn’t stay either but needed to be here. Her body trembles. All I want to do is take her in my arms and hold her. I want to protect her and whisper that everything will be okay. That I’ll take care of her. My throat tightens. I lost that privilege last year.

“I’ll leave you then,” I say. “You must want to talk with them too. I can come back later.” I turn and walk away but then I hear a noise, so soft, so quiet that it’s like a sparrow flapped its wings.

I turn back. Tears run down her cheeks. She drops in front of their graves and she beats her fists against the ground. Her body shudders with the grief as it pours out of her. I can’t hold back and run to her side and wrap my arms around her. It feels so good. Her hair against my cheek and her head on my shoulder.

“Shh.” I stroke her back.

She pushes me away. I expect her to be angry but she’s not.

“I don’t deserve any comfort.” She pounds her chest. “I deserve to feel this pain, this guilt.”

My heart about stops. In my mind, the strands of a knot slowly unravel. Her extreme guilt, the hospital visit, her mumbling. It’s like a fog lifts and I can see clearly. Did she not hear anything I said in the hospital? “Were you on pain meds in the hospital when I was visiting?”

She nods yes.

Oh my God. My stomach drops and my heart pounds. She doesn’t know. And now I have a choice. I can lie and then run or I can tell her truth.

Seth pales, and sways on his feet, like he’s going to puke. He plays with the ends of his shirt, something he always did when he was nervous.

“I have to talk to you. About that night.” His voice is rough and on the verge of breaking.

The buried feelings of anger rise to the surface. That he left the party drunk, without a care. Without realizing that his friends or that I would be worried. That he left with Carly. But then a wave of guilt crashes against me. “Whether you cheated on me that night isn’t important anymore.”

“Oh my God, is that what you think?” he asks, his body recoiling.

I shrug and make sure I look into his eyes. “I don’t know. I never found out. You weren’t here.” I shake it off. “None of this is important. I don’t care. Don’t you get it?” I bite back another sob. I can’t handle anymore crying. “It’s not important. Not when I’m alive and…” I point to their graves, unable to say the words.

Seth reaches for my hand. “It is important. I have to tell you.” Then his words tumble out. “Before the party, my parents told me they were splitting. Mom cheated.”

I gasp. “I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

“I was upset at the party but I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s night.” He laughs in a self-deprecating way. “So much for that. Anyway, I took it out on you that night. I’m sorry.” He pauses, closes his eyes for a second, then continues. “She cheated with Carly’s dad. I didn’t leave the party with her, but pushed her away because I wanted to be alone. She wanted to come with me, because she didn’t want me to drive.”

I drop in front of the graves. I don’t know what else he has to say, but I’m hungry for the truth of what happened to him that night.

“I took off, alone,” he says.

I can’t hide the bitter truth behind my words. “I went looking for you.” I have no energy left to explain anything else. Nothing more needs to be said. “Well, glad you could clear that up. Hope you feel better.”

“Haley,” he says my name so soft, like a whisper. But it’s tainted with something else. I can’t quite put my finger on it. “There’s more.”

“Fine, go ahead if it’ll make you feel better.”

He drops to the ground and addresses Brin and Kama too. “I’m sorry. I never should’ve left the party. I never should’ve gotten behind the wheel after drinking. I knew it but I did anyway. I was too mad. But that’s no excuse.” His voice breaks and his words come out in pieces. “I never should’ve been on the road…or you’d both be alive.”

My breath catches in my throat and I have to force it out. Why is he taking the blame? Because I went looking for him? That’s crazy. That’s like Justine feeling responsible for having the party. “Seth.” I’m about to set him straight.

“No. Let me finish.” He takes a deep breath. “I was driving. It was raining. I got in an accident that night. My mom’s van. The front was all messed up in the morning. Bad enough we had to buy a new van.” His voice is hoarse. “I don’t remember much. I must’ve hit and run.”

His words hang in the air and then settle over me. He drove drunk. He got in an accident. A bad one. Hit and run. The truth hits me hard and squeezes my chest. I can barely breathe. No. No. No. It can’t be. I’m leaning over, breathing hard, rocking back and forth. I don’t want to think the thoughts crashing through my head. It can’t be true.

I shudder and sob, then crumple over. Everything I thought was a lie. All of it. But the truth is much worse than the lie.

Then his voice speaks from next me. “I’m sorry. I visited you in the hospital that night. I overheard nurses talking. I saw you run from your room. That’s when I remembered. That’s when I knew I could never be the one to comfort you. I knew you’d be better without me. I left to protect you.”

A torrent of emotion rushes through me and words spit out. All my sadness and regret and confusion over Seth turns to vicious hatred. “Protect me? Ha! I lived an entire year feeling the guilt. That I was the one.” I broke off, still unable to say the words.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong.”

But that isn’t enough for me. I push him away. “Sorry isn’t enough. I’ve lived with the guilt of killing my best friends! That it was me!” I close the gap between us and beat his chest with my fist. “And yes, I still take responsibility, but you were the one drinking and driving!” The tears blur my vision of him, and I scream, “You killed them!”

I continue to pound my fists against his chest and he takes it. He takes all of it.

He’s crying too. “I’m sorry. I made the wrong choice. I loved you so much and couldn’t believe what I’d done. I was angry.” His voice matches mine. “Yes. It’s me. I take all the blame. All of it. That’s why I came back. To face you. Tell you. Set you free from this.”

“Are you kidding me? You think this fixes my life?” My head throbs. “This truth is so much worse than what I’ve been living with. That the boy I loved, that I wanted a future with, ran out when I needed him most. That he didn’t care enough to tell the truth.” I can’t say it anymore. I can’t stand the sight of him. “Please, just leave. Go back to wherever you came from.”

He stands. “I’m going to make this right.”

“There’s nothing you can do. This can’t be fixed.”

“Goodbye Brin. Goodbye Kama. I’m so sorry. I’ll love you forever.” He touches my shoulder.

Then he leaves.

The grass tickles my ankles. A soft breeze whispers across the back of my neck and plays with my hair, like the gentle touch of a lover. That kind of touch is foreign to me and I shiver.

I am broken. The last living piece inside me, the part that still yearns to live, splinters. Truth has a way of invading your life when you’re least expecting it to and shatters you. Your life can be a messy scrapbook full of photos, memorabilia, and snippets of memories, and then in one swoop it can be erased.

Everything changes with just one small tilt of the mirror called life. It’s perspective. Anyone can look at what happened and see their own story, their part in it. My part in it.

The deep ache starts in my stomach and pushes upward. My anguish from the past year wells up and breaks. I fall forward and wrap my arm around Brin’s gravestone. I didn’t think I had any tears or feelings left. But Seth’s news breaks me. It tears into my soul and rips me apart.

So much hurt. So much pain. I sob until every little piece of emotion is squeezed from my heart. And then all I have is the sickening smell of carnations left by their graves early this morning. I pull them toward me and inhale. The soft petals brush my cheek and dry my tears.