Don't Hate the Player...Hate the Game (33 page)

“It’s okay, Maddie. It happens sometimes.”

“Not to me it doesn’t!”

“Well, it did last night.”

Raking her hand through her unkempt hair, Maddie
moaned, “But your mom—she must think I’m terrible!”

“Actually, she was more pissed at me.”

She stared down at her hands. That was when she
noticed the gown, and she gasped. “M-My clothes?”

I sighed. “The truth?”

“Yes!” she screeched.

“You took them off at the party.”

Mortification filled her face as Maddie covered her
mouth with her hand. “I did?”

“Everybody went swimming in Blaine’s pond. When we
got here, my mom put the gown on you.”

Maddie nodded. She absentmindedly traced the outline
of the design on the blanket. “Um, did I…did we…?”

I held my hands up defensively. “No, of course
not.”

Surprise flashed in her eyes. “We didn’t?”

My lips formed a crooked grin. “I’d like to think if
you’d been with me, you’d remember it,” I teased.

“Noah,” Maddie pleaded.

I knew I didn’t have to tell her anything about what
went on the night before because she would never remember any of
it, but I’d been lying to her for so long that I wanted to level
with her. “We kissed.”

“Oh we did?”

“Yes,” I answered dutifully. “In case you’re
wondering, it was pretty amazing.”

“It was?” Maddie questioned in a whisper.

“Yeah.”

She stared up into my eyes and then smiled slightly.
“I wish I could remember.”

I returned her smile. “I wish you could. Maybe we’ll
give it a try again.”

Her face flushed again, but she did nod her head.
“Did anything else happen?”

Oh fuck. She would have to ask that. Playing with a
thread on my shirt, I finally replied, “A little.” When her
eyebrows shot up, I quickly replied, “Just a little second base
action.” I decided to pace myself and not totally freak her out by
admitting I’d gotten to third.

“Did I enjoy it too?”

I snapped my gaze to hers. “I think you did,” I
murmured.

“Good.”

We sat staring at each other for a moment before I
cleared my throat. “Maddie, I really need to talk to you about
something. But first, why don’t you get a shower, and I’ll fix us
some breakfast?”

“Okay.”

I took her upstairs. I quickly detoured past my
bathroom—afraid for her to see what a slob I was—and got her set up
in the guest bathroom. “I’ll leave your clothes outside the door
for you.”

“Thanks, Noah.”

When I heard the water turn on, I went back
downstairs and out to the Jeep. I quickly fluffed her wrinkled
clothes in the dryer along with her underwear, which I tried not to
ogle for too long, and then I took them back upstairs.

I met Mom in the hallway. “Morning, honey.”

“Morning.”

“I’ll go start on breakfast, okay?”

I nodded and followed her back downstairs. Mom
whipped up a quick batch of bacon, eggs, and toast. She had just
finished when Maddie walked shyly into the kitchen. “Good morning,
Maddie,” Mom said.

Maddie smiled weakly. “Good morning, Mrs. Anderson.”
Playing with the hem on her shirt, she stared down at the kitchen
floor. “I want to apologize about my behavior last night,” she
began.

Mom shook her head. “No need to apologize. We all
have our moments. It doesn’t change who we really are.”

Maddie jerked her head up in surprise as Mom’s
answer. A pleased expression formed on her face as she eased into a
seat at the kitchen table. Mom made small talk with us through
breakfast, but I could tell both Maddie and I were anxious to be
alone. As soon as she put her napkin on her plate, I stood up.
“Wanna go for a walk before I take you home?”

Maddie nodded. “Thank you for the delicious breakfast
and letting me stay last night,” she said politely.

Mom smiled. “You’re welcome.”

I led Maddie outside through the glass door. We
walked out in the backyard, and I steered her over to the swing. It
was shady there under a canopy of trees.

“So what is it you want to talk to me about?”

I stared into her eyes. “I’ve not been honest with
you.”

“About what?”

“Jake.”

Maddie’s brows rose in surprise. “What do you
mean?”

I sighed. “Remember that night you and I took Jake’s
things down to the funeral home?”

She nodded.

“Well, earlier that night, Mr. Nelson and I found
something in Jake’s room. Something he was meaning to give to the
girl he truly loved.” I reached into my pocket and pulled out the
ring box. I leaned over and gently put it in her hands. “It was
wrapped in the lyrics to
You Were Always on My Mind
.”

Maddie gasped as he cracked open the box and stared
down at the diamond. “I don’t believe it.”

“You should because it was meant for you.” My heart
constricted in my chest as I added, “And you were meant for him.”
Maddie snapped her gaze from the ring to me, and I nodded. “He
loved you, Maddie.”

“How can you be sure?”

I slowly took the rolled up notebook out of my back
pocket. I flipped it to his letter and handed it to her. Without
another word, I got up off the swing. Leaning back against a tree
trunk, I watched her devour the words on the page. Tears welled in
her eyes. When she finished, she gazed up at me.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

Nodding, she wiped her eyes. “It’s just hard to
believe, that’s all. I mean, he hinted at things along the way, but
there was nothing definite. But know, actually reading his
words—actually knowing but not being able to do anything about
it…”

She started sobbing. I eased back on the swing and
took her into my arms. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but
frankly, it was a real bitch. Her tears wet through my shirt, and
as I held her, my mind was clear. There were no impure thoughts
that would send me into overdrive. All I cared about was comforting
her.

After a while, she pulled away from me. “Presley’s
really pregnant?”

“Yes, she is.”

Maddie moaned. “I loved him and he loved me, but
she’
s having his baby. How much more screwed up could this
get!”

“So you really loved him, huh?” I asked.

She stared at me in surprise. “I cared for him very
much, and I loved him as a friend. But yes, I think I did love him.
Why?”

I shook my head. “Never mind,” I mumbled as I got up
from the swing.

“Noah, wait!” she cried, grabbing me by the sleeve.
“What did you mean when you said you hadn’t been honest with
me?”

Shit. I was hoping she’d be so overwhelmed with grief
she’d forgotten I mentioned that. I ran my hand through my hair.
“Mrs. Nelson asked me to find the girl for Jake. For a long time, I
thought it was you—then after that night in the coffeehouse, I knew
it was you. But I—I didn’t want to tell you.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t want you to belong to him!”

“You didn’t?”

The blood boiled in my veins as I thought of losing
her, and it turned over to white hot anger. “No, I didn’t. He was a
jerk, Maddie. Can’t you see that? Hiding you away, dating other
girls,
screwing
other girls. You deserved better!”

“He might have been a jerk sometimes, but he was
trying to change. And at the end, he’d stopped partying and
sleeping around,” she protested.

“Oh big deal!”

“For him it was a big deal. And just because he
couldn’t tell me how he felt, doesn’t make his feelings any
different.”

“How can you say that? If it had been me, I would
have told you every day how much I loved you. There wouldn’t have
been a day that passed by without me admitting how many times I
thought about you, missed you, or wanted to feel you in my
arms!”

Maddie stared at me in shock.

“Love isn’t just about words in freakin’ song lyrics.
It’s about actions, too.”

“You aren’t any different!” she cried, before turning
on her heels and starting to stalk away.

I stared at her retreating form for a minute. “Excuse
me?” I called.

She whirled around and shook her head at me. “You say
if it was you that you would have told me all those things, but you
wouldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because you haven’t!”

My heart jolted in my chest.

Maddie stepped toe to toe with me. She jerked her
chin up. “So tell me. Stand before me right now and tell me all
those things you would if I was yours.”

Suddenly, I felt like an old black and white movie
I’d seen. This dude morphed into a totally different person. When I
spoke the next time, it was like a stranger was speaking. It
weirded me out. “Why? So you can go back to your memories of Jake?
So you can accept me because I’m alive when all along you’ll wish I
was him!”

“No, I would never do that,” Maddie protested.

“Don’t be so sure.”

Maddie thrust the notebook at me. “So are you calling
Jake a liar? It’s all right here. He said you were the one for
me—the one who would adore me.”

I stared at the notebook, refusing to answer.

“Yeah, maybe Jake was a jerk for treating me the way
he did, but at least he realized what he’d done wrong and was
trying to make it right. And in case you missed it, this was
good-bye. If Jake had lived, there would have been never been an
us—no matter how he truly felt about me.”

Maddie’s expression softened as she touched my arm.
“Just admit to me that you’ve changed—for the better. I mean since
we’ve been friends, look at all you’ve done. You’ve connected with
your father, you’ve accepted your mom’s remarriage and a baby on
the way, and Josh—” her voice broke. “You were able to connect with
him on a level that surprises me.”

My emotions were churning. I knew what I wanted to
do, but something inside wouldn’t let me. Some part of myself that
I’d overcome was slowly weaning its way back. Suddenly, I
understood Jake completely. I understood how he couldn’t truly be
himself. There was always that asshole part that played out. I did
the only thing I knew how to do and that was to shut down and turn
on her.

“What is this shit, huh? What is this desire of yours
to “fix” everyone?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh come off it, Maddie. It’s a plain as day. What is
your prerequisite for a guy? Does he have to be some screwed up,
emotional jackass before you’ll give him the time of day?”

“No! That’s not true!” she argued.

“It looks that way to me. You found Jake and fixed
him up. Seems like you’ve fixed me too. But I’ll tell you
something, Maddie. I don’t like being your project!”

“Stop it, Noah. Don’t do this.”

“Do what? Tell the truth? That’s what it looks like
to me. You seem to have a funny way of falling for fixer-uppers.
But what happens when I’m completely whole? Would you walk
away?”

“I’d never leave you.”

“And what about you, huh? Who’s gonna save you from
yourself?”

Tears welled in her eyes. “Please.”

I shook my head. “Oh, I see. You don’t play fair. You
can dish it, but you don’t want to take it. You’re the good little
girl who tries to save everybody—Jake, me, your brother, your
parents. But what about you?”

“I thought this was about us,” Maddie whimpered.

“It’s never been about us, don’t you see that? It’s
always been about Jake, my dad, Josh and Will, and all the rest of
the shitty baggage between us. It’s never about the players,
remember? It’s about the damn game that makes us act and react the
way we do!”

“Please don’t do this, Noah,” she whispered.

“Do what? Be honest? I’m just trying to do what
you’ve taught me, Maddie. To be the person you want me to be!”

Maddie shook her head. “But can’t you see?” she
cried. “I love you! I love you more than I ever imagined I could
love a guy. And it scares me, okay? It scares the hell out of
me!”

I stared at her in disbelief. She really loved me.
God, I’d wanted to hear her say that for so long, but it had the
opposite effect I thought it would. It stunned me where I was
speechless. I wanted to cry out how much I loved her to, but it was
like something was binding me, and I couldn’t speak.

When I didn’t respond, she shook her head. Then she
glanced down at the ring in her hand. “Give this to Presley.”

“What?”

“She needs it more than I do.”

“But Jake meant for you to have it,” I protested.

“It doesn’t matter. She and her baby will need
it.”

“What, to keep the Jake myth alive and kicking?” I
asked.

“No, to validate the truth. The truth that’s in this
notebook. Jake was going to stand by Presley, and he was going to
be a father to his child. This way, it’ll give all the gossips the
hard evidence they need to believe the unfathomable—that Jake
Nelson wasn’t a selfish jerk, and he was a man of his word.”

Maddie took my hand and placed the box into in. She
closed my fingers around it. “Two good-byes in one day. And I owe
money to the cuss can,” she mused.

I didn’t know what else to say. I felt jumbled—bound
and gagged by my own foolish pride and stupidity. After everything
that had happened and everything I had felt was I honestly going to
stand here and let her walk away? I was screaming on the inside,
but nothing would come out.

“Good-bye, Noah,” Maddie said, softly. Then she
turned and walked out of the back yard. I didn’t know how she was
going to get home, but clearly, she didn’t need or want me to take
her.

I must’ve stood frozen in the middle of the yard for
at least an hour. How in the hell had I gotten here? I’d gone from
being desperate to keep her to driving her away. I’d let her stand
in front of me and tell me she loved me, and I didn’t say a damn
word.

I was a total fucked-up mess.

***