Don't Hate the Player...Hate the Game (32 page)

It was after four am when I pulled into Rolling
Gardens. I’d never been to a cemetery at night before. I guess I
had this freaky image of skeletons or zombies busting out of graves
doing highly choreographed dance moves like in Michael Jackson’s
Thriller
. I was relieved when I found everything quiet as
the dead, no pun intended. I grabbed my flashlight out of the
dashboard and started the walk towards mausoleum.

Once I reached the bronze plaque baring Jake’s name,
I cleared my throat. “Hey, man,” I said, my voice echoing a little
off the marble walls. “Yeah, I realize you’re probably wondering
what’s gotten my ass out at this time of night, least of all what
I’m doing here in the cemetery talking to your ashes.”

Kicking at a blade of grass with my toe, I added,
“I’m kinda wondering the same thing myself. But let me tell you
something buddy, things have been pretty fucked up since you died.
I mean, there’s all this drama shit going on. Yeah, I know—when is
there not drama, but seriously, you left one more freakin’ mess
when you blew out of here.” I glanced up at the bronze plaque as a
chill went over me. I shuddered and shook my head. “Sorry dude
about that last line.”

I sat down on the bench bearing his name. “Listen,
man, I just wanna say I’m sorry about the whole Presley thing. I
would’ve never made out with her and almost gotten off had I known
she was…pregnant.” Another shudder ricocheted through my body. “And
what’s up with that? You found out that weekend, and you couldn’t
even call me and tell me what was going on? That was some epic news
man—shit that your best friend deserved to know! Best friends are
supposed to talk to each other—tell each other about things. Not
leave freakin’ cryptic text messages and shit!”

With my blood pumping, I hopped off the bench. “And
there’s one more thing, and that’s Maddie!” I cried, my voice
rising a little. “I mean, what the hell was that all about? You
loved her, you dickhead, didn’t you?”

I threw my hands up in exasperation. “And you thought
you couldn’t tell me? I was your best friend, you douchebag! I had
a right to know who you were in love with—not get some bullshit
answer like, ‘I’ll tell you when I tell her’. I had a right to know
you had some semblance of a heart. But what do you do? You hide her
away like you were ashamed of her or something. What a dumbass!”
The ache in my chest tightened, and I rubbed the place over my
heart, trying to get rid of it.

I stepped forward. “Maddie is—amazing. She’s
beautiful and sweet and kind and way too good for you! If you loved
her, how could you not tell her every single day? Seriously dude,
she deserved better!”

I started to stalk away, but then I stopped. I turned
back as tears welled in my eyes. “Hey man, I gotta be honest.
I
deserved better, too.” Wiping my eyes, I added, “All those
years through all your bullshit, I was by your side. Even though
most of the time you treated me like crap, I was still there. When
your dad was an ass, when you needed homework help, or a DD, I WAS
THERE! But what about you, huh? Living some double life, going on
mission trips, and volunteering and then lying about the whole damn
thing! What the hell? Yeah, you were really acting like a
Christian, man! WWJD, right? Well, I guarantee you Jesus wouldn’t
be panty chasing and getting drunk every other night!”

I dried my eyes. “Yeah, I know what you’d say right
now. What about me, huh? Yeah, I’ll admit I haven’t actually been
playing fair. I’ve scammed on your girl, right? Well, it’s over.
I’m telling her the truth about the ring just as soon as she wakes
up. And if she wants you, I’ll walk away, man. You can have her in
life and in death. But I am going to tell her how I feel. If
there’s one thing I’ve learned from your death, it’s to be honest
with the people you love.”

Turning on my heels, I headed down the hill to my
Jeep. When I got there, I stood with my hand hovering over the door
handle. I mean, what the hell was I doing here? What had possessed
me to come out to the cemetery in the middle of the night to yell
at Jake? Did I think he was going to talk back? I thought by
confronting him in some way, I’d feel better. But I didn’t.

I shook my head and climbed inside the Jeep. Making a
right out of the cemetery, I started the drive over to Jake’s
house. It was almost five when I pulled into the driveway, but I
didn’t care. I marched right up the steps and rang the
doorbell.

The Asshole answered the door in his robe. He raised
his eyebrows. “Good morning, Noah. Nice to see you up so early on a
Saturday morning,” he muttered, sarcastically.

“Yeah, I know it’s early, but I need the ring.”

“Why?”

“Because I know who it belongs to.”

His expression softened. “You do?”

“Yeah, I do.”

He held open the door for me, and I stepped inside
the foyer.

Mrs. Nelson appeared on the landing of the stairs.
“Martin, who was at the door?”

“It’s Noah, Ev,” he replied.

She hurried down the stairs. “Is something wrong,
Noah?”

“No, Mrs. Nelson. I’m sorry to wake you guys up so
early, but I came by for the ring.”

“So you know who it belongs to?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Who is it?” the Asshole pressed.

I drew in a breath. I realized once I spoke the name,
I couldn’t deny it or take it back. “It’s Maddie Parker,” I finally
replied.

The Asshole literally gasped. “Pastor Dan’s daughter?
The one who was tutoring Jake?”

“Yes.”

“That’s unbelievable.”

With a shrug, I replied, “That’s what I thought, but
the more I’ve been with her, the more I see what he saw in her. The
fact that he hid her away kinda goes along with the song lyrics
too.”

Mrs. Nelson didn’t say anything. She appeared deep in
thought. Finally, she glanced up at me. “Thank you so much, Noah. I
know this wasn’t an easy undertaking.”

I wheezed out a frustrated breath. “No, it wasn’t. In
fact it was pure hell.”

She gave a bark of a laugh before motioning me with
her hand. “Come on up, and I’ll get it for you.”

I followed her up the stairs and then turned down the
familiar hallway to Jake’s room. It was just the way it had been
the last time I’d been in there. When she saw the look on my face,
Mrs. Nelson smiled. “Martin wants me to pack up everything, but I
just can’t. Not now.”

I merely nodded. She opened Jake’s top dresser drawer
and took out the ring box. She handed it to me along with the song
lyrics. It weighed much heavier in my palm than it should have.

“There’s something else I want you to take, Noah,”
she said. She went over to Jake’s closet and took out a bag. “This
is what he had with him at his grandparents when he was killed.”
She dug among some possessions until she pulled out an ordinary
notebook and handed it to me. “I think you’ll find some of the
reading interesting.”

I raised my eyebrows at her. “I will?”

She nodded. “Jake was always a complicated little
boy. A lot more than Jonathan or Jason. I shouldn’t be surprised
that his teenage life was complicated too.”

I didn’t know what to say. She was trying to tell me
something, but I was too physically tired and emotionally spent to
understand. I merely bobbed my head and started toward the
door.

“Noah?” she called.

I whirled around. “Yes, Mrs. Nelson?”

She stared down at her hands. “Tell Presley we’d very
much like to see her, and we certainly want to be a part of our
grandchild’s life.”

The wind left my body, and I collapsed back against
the door frame. “Excuse me?”

Mrs. Nelson jerked her head up to give me a genuine
smile. “You know what I’m talking about.”

The hairs on the back of my neck prickled, and I just
wanted to be out of there. “Okay, I will,” I replied. Then I bolted
from the room. I sprinted down the stairs, not even calling a
goodbye to the Asshole who was standing in the foyer.

I don’t think I took a breath until I was safely
inside my Jeep. Instead of heading home, I drove down to the
cul-de-sac below Jake’s house. I grabbed the notebook and flipped
it open. The first couple of pages were notes and homework from
school. Some of it was in Jake’s handwriting and others were in
Maddie’s. I was half-way through the notebook and wondering why the
hell Mrs. Nelson wanted me to have it when I came across the
note.

Dear Maddie,

I know you’re probably wondering why I’m writing you
a letter. I’m surprised myself that this dumb jock is actually
putting thoughts down on paper. But you shouldn’t be surprised
though. It’s your influence, I know.

I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve screwed
up. I know you hate that word—but trust me, it’s the only one that
can fully describe what a mess I’ve made of my life. The bad thing
is what I’ve done affects us. I got some news today that pretty
much floored me. I’m going to be a father, Maddie. Presley is
pregnant, and it’s mine. I know that for sure.

I don’t know if you know how much I love you,
Maddie. You probably don’t since I’ve been such an asshole and kept
it all inside. I’ve always hoped that deep down you knew—that you
felt it when we were together. If you didn’t, I’m so sorry. I can
blame anything and everything, but in the end, it’s all my fault. I
should have told you. I wish I would have said all the things that
were inside me. I wish I’d made you mine, but I didn’t. And I’m
still being a coward because instead of doing it to your face, I’m
giving you a letter instead.

I can never thank you enough for what you’ve meant
in my life. You didn’t make me a better person. Instead, you
dragged the real me out—even if it was only for short periods of
time. I wish I had your courage, Maddie. Don’t ever let people make
you doubt yourself, and don’t ever forget what an awesome girl you
are.

I don’t want you to ever think any of this was your
fault. To question if we had allowed ourselves to go to the next
level, would this have happened? Don’t ever do that, Maddie. I love
you too much for you to blame yourself for my stupid and
irresponsible actions. I also loved you too much to take the gift
that wasn’t mine to take. The truth is you’re too good for me, and
you deserve someone better—someone like my buddy, Noah, who would
worship you each and every day you were together—”

I stopped reading and gasped. My breathing came in
erratic pants. Tears burned and blurred my vision, and it was
several long minutes before I could start reading again.

I know this sounds like good-bye, and it is in a
way. I know you’ll never have me after this—after I’ve cheated on
you in the way I have. Yeah, we weren’t an official couple, but I
should have told you months ago that I had feelings for you. But
it’s okay; I understand. For once in my life, I’m going to do the
right thing. I’m going to support Presley, and I’m going to be a
father to our child.

No matter what happens, I’ll always love you—you’ll
always be on my mind.

Love Jake

I must’ve stared at the letter for twenty minutes
after I read it. I read it and reread it—trying desperately to let
each and every word sink in. I couldn’t believe he’d mentioned
me—that he’d suggested I’d be somebody who would love Maddie. How
in the world could he have known that?

Most of all, he was stepping aside. For the first
time in his life, Jake was really being a man. He was taking
responsibility for his actions. More than that, he was actually
making sacrifices for somebody—two people in fact. “Dammit!” I
cried, banging my fist against the steering wheel. It wasn’t right
he was gone. Just when he had gotten his shit together, he’d been
taken away, and it wasn’t fucking fair. There was a baby who would
never know his or her father, and Presley would have to truly be a
single mother.

It hit me like a train charging through my chest that
Mrs. Nelson had known. She’d read the notebook, and she’d known.
More than that, she hadn’t told the Asshole. I started to wonder
why in the hell she hadn’t told me. Then I imagined she felt there
was some purpose in this quest—something more for me to discover
than just
her
. It was then I realized how wise Mrs. Nelson
had been. I’d discovered so much about Jake, but I’d discovered a
lot more about myself. And she’d wanted that for me. Just as Jake
was an adopted member of my family, I was of hers—well, to everyone
but the Asshole.

As the first streaks of amber and orange made their
way across the morning sky, I knew I needed to head home. I was
exhausted—mentally and physically. The house was still and quiet
when I walked through the door. Maddie was still sleeping.

I eased down in the floor beside her. I didn’t know
what I was going to do. Should I give her the ring and leave things
the way they were? Should I give her the ring and the letter and
tell her how much I loved her? Dammit, why was my life so
complicated!

My head started to dip as I nodded off. At the sound
of a soft moan, my eyes snapped open to see Maddie waking up. Her
eyelids fluttered as her head slowly moved from side to side. When
she opened her eyes, she frantically scanned the room.

“It’s okay. You’re at my house,” I whispered.

At the sound of my voice, she bolted up on the
couch—causing the blanket to fall away. The perv in me couldn’t
help but noticing how sexy she looked with her hair all wild and
the way the satiny spaghetti straps of the gown hung loose on her
shoulders. Then I remembered it was my mother’s gown. Damn, a
psychiatrist would have a field day with me.

“Noah, what am I doing here?”

“You got drunk at the party, and you passed out. I
knew I couldn’t take you home, so I brought you here.”

Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “I-I got d-drunk?”
she stammered.

“Yes, you did.”

“Oh no,” she moaned, her face flushing.