92
Guilty Conscience
I
t was his birthday, September 6, and he was turning 34 years old today. This was the first September 6 that Jordan hadn't spent with him in fourteen years. She felt empty, guilty. Omar hadn't called her in months, and none of her calls mattered because he ignored them. She heard from his best friend, who told her that Omar was hurt and really pissed that she would choose another man over their marriage. He said that in his mind, she was dead to him. She didn't know what hurt more, the fact that he wanted her dead or knowing he had killed her himself.
She called anyway. To no surprise, he didn't answer. She left a quick, simple message: “Happy birthday Omar. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you on your birthday. I hope your day is happyâyou deserve it.”
She hung up the phone and hung her head low. She had been reduced to generic birthday calls with the man she was supposed to have spent the rest of her life with. Her life had become one big, emotional roller coaster. It had become almost impossible for her to be completely happy with Jayon when their relationship was riddled with guilt.
Everybody who knew them both seemed to wonder if Jayon and Jordan were having an affair all along. Family of Omar's just thought she was a complete whore bag, and even some of her friends felt that she gave Omar a bad deal. Then there were those who thought she and Jayon were like a fairy tale come true, and Omar was to blame for the marriage's demise and that she had every right to be happy. She didn't know what she felt anymore. Some days she felt like Omar should never have treated her so terribly and things would never have been able to change between her and Jayon. She couldn't help what her heart felt. Yes, she loved Omar with all her heart, but the pain and misery caused her to ward her feelings off to be able to get through what he was doing to her. It wasn't her fault that he waited until it was too late to come to his senses. As for Jayon, he was just being the friend he had always been. She believed in her heart that Jayon would never have disrespected her relationship with Omar, and that day last year when he was drunk at the office he truly did regret. Jayon was an honorable man and he, too, felt terrible about Omar. He had even told her once or twice that she should give Omar another chance, and he would understand and would have no hard feelings. It seemed like a kind offer, but it wasn't just about hurting Jayon. She didn't love Omar anymore in that way. He'd hurt her for the last time, and she was truly happy with Jayon. She wasn't putting her happiness second to Omar's on this one. She might forever regret it if she did.
93
Pot Calling the Kettle Black
C
hrasey was waiting on a call from her supervisorâhe was supposed to be giving her the outline for a meeting he'd called. So, as she prepared herself and the kids for the next day, she kept an ear out for the phone.
She had ironed the kids' clothes for tomorrow, made their lunches, given them their baths, and gotten them ready for bed. When she was done with them, she went ahead and looked for something for her to wear. She had to put a little more effort into it since they were having a meetingâshe hated meetings because she always felt like she had nothing to wear. It didn't help that she gained some of her weight backâeverything she put on, she felt fat in.
When she had just about finished, it was about 9:45, and still no call from her supervisor. She figured before she called him to see if he remembered, she'd check the Caller ID. She picked up the cordless and started to press the CALL HISTORY numbers. There was Dakota, Keith's mother, Jordan, bill collectors, her parents' house, but no supervisor. Just as she was getting past the calls of the last few hours and was about to go ahead and just call him, she pushed it one more time and the name Lourdes Vincent came up. She had called at 7:20 P.M., and Chrasey tried to think about it but couldn't remember what Keith was doing at 7:20.
She could have handled it calmly and not said anything, but she wasn't in that kind of mood. Besides, she and Keith hadn't said but two things to each other since dinner. They were back in their old routine of being in two separate worlds. So just for the purpose of having something to say to him, she had some questions.
She walked downstairs into the living room where he was sitting as usual and sat down beside him with the phone in her hand. He looked over at her, unsuspecting of what she was doing there with him. Just as he went to turn back to the television, she started up.
“Did you speak to Lourdes today?”
She could tell the mention of her name startled him some. He was never prepared for her to bring it up.
“No,” he said, “why?”
“Her number was in the Caller ID and I was wondering if you spoke with her.”
“No, I didn't even know she called.”
“Did you tell her I said not to be calling my house?”
“She knows thatâshe just ... I don't know.”
“Where were you at 7:20?”
“Right here, Chraseyâwhy?”
She could tell by the tone of his voice and the expression on his face, he wasn't feeling her line of questioning. He was trying to scare her off with the “you're frustrating me” look. The days that mattered were overâhe shouldn't have cheated.
“That's the time she called, so I wanted to know what you were doing, since you say you missed the call.”
“Oh, you thought I was lying then basically?”
“Just asked a question,” she said.
“Don't worryâI'm not as careless as you, on the phone with some other man while my husband is right downstairs.”
Chrasey guessed it was too good to be true. She had spent almost a year cheating on her husband and had gotten off totally scot-free because she found out about something much worse. What he had done had been so drastic that she got a “get out of jail free” card. Her first reaction to his comment was to stop so he couldn't try to give her a guilt trip. Until she thought about the facts: he had a baby outside of their marriage, and he was talking about careless.
“WHAT? You have to be joking ...
you're
not careless? Not only were you careless enough to be on the phone while I was here, you were careless enough to leave months of proof on the bills, AND you were careless enough to get her knocked up.”
“I didn't
leave
anything. I was using the phone in MY house, and just because you wanted to snoop through the bills ...”
“YOUR house? This is OUR house and those were OUR bills! Your ass shouldn't have been on the phone with your mistress in OUR house.”
“Well, you have some nerve, scrutinizing me like your shit don't stink.”
“Well, your shit was smelling first, AND you went out and had a baby.”
He paused for a second, and then he took a deep breath. She saw his shoulders rise and fall back down.
“Whatever, are you done? I'm trying to watch television,” he said finally. She sucked her teeth as hard as she could and stood up. “I'm done because there is nothing else to discuss anywayâyou're just going to lie.”
“Yeah, Mrs. Honesty.”
“Don't forget to call your baby mama back,” she said as she walked up the stairs.
Â
Â
Damn, she was fuming, but she knew from prior arguments that when Keith got in that mode, he would be so ignorant and stubborn he would end up pissing her off even more.
When she reached her bedroom, she wanted to vent. She wondered why she ever thought this would work. Here they were, arguing over who was sloppier with their affairs. What had they come to? she wondered. And really, didn't they see how crazy they sounded. She didn't want that for them. No matter what they tried to do to fix it, their situations were going to follow them around forever. There was almost no sense even trying to make a happy home out of this. They needed to face the reality that they had lost a part of themselves, and now they were just married with kids. No affection, no trust, no love, no desire, no attractionâjust married with kids.
94
Hide and Seek
D
akota hadn't been on Jamaica Avenue in yearsâthe last time was to accompany Tony to do an autograph signing in one of the stores. The Coliseum used to be the place to be when you were in high school, there and Gertz Mall. Jamaica Avenue referred to a certain area of a main street in Queens. They sold sneakers, fitted hats, knockoff designer bags, hair weaves, name it; it was a one-stop shop. Her godsister Ebony told Dakota to come with her there because they had some really good sales on baby stuff at Children's World. Blankets, lamps, night-lights, ceiling decorations, the stuff for the room décor. She wanted her to come choose some stuff that she liked so she could get it now, and then she would have her baby shower gift. At first Dakota thought that was tacky, but Ebony knew how picky she was and she said she would have to cut her if she didn't use her gift, so this was to save both of them some trouble.
They had parked their car on top of the Coliseumâit was far from their destination, but there's never a parking spot on the Avenue. They were headed down 165th Street, about to turn on Jamaica Avenue, when Dakota heard some girl call her name. She turned around and it was an old friend from high school, Nadia. She looked kind of different, but her face was exactly the same. She came up to Dakota and gave her a hug, and she introduced her to Ebony. It was kind of awkward because it had been so long, she didn't know what to say to this girl.
“So how's life been?” she asked.
“Pretty goodâyourself?”
“Well, I'm a nurse trying to change careers. What are you doing?”
“I'm in PR.”
“That sounds cool,” she said as she reached her hand out to touch Dakota's stomach. “I see you're expecting a little one,” she said.
She hated when people touched her stomachâsome days she didn't mind, but mostly it felt so invasive.
“Yeah, I'm having a boy.”
“How many months are you?”
“Six and a half.”
“Wow, who's the father? Are you married?”
Why did she have to ask me that, am I married
? she thought.
Did she see a ring on my finger
? She was so tired of people asking her who the father was or if she was marrying him, or other nosy questions. She felt sometimes that's just what they wanted, to make you feel bad.
“Tony Martin is the father, and no, we are not married.”
She figured if she had to take the ho card for not being married, she'd have to name-drop. Tacky, but it was the only defense she had.
“
The
Tony Martin?” Nadia asked.
“Yeah,” she said, kind of laughing. “We been on and off for a while.”
“Wowâwell, you go, girl.”
After Nadia finished congratulating her on getting knocked up by big-time Tony Martin, they exchanged numbers and went on their way. She told Ebony when she walked off, if Nadia only knew the half, she wouldn't be congratulating her.
They finally made their way down to Children's World. The store was crowded with half of South Jamaica, Queens, pulling and grabbing at stuff. Dakota almost turned right back around at the sight of the chaos in the store, but she had come too far. Everything was scattered about, nothing was in order, clothes were mixed with toys, and the baby bedroom stuff was mixed with gift baskets. They were tearing the store up, and the staff was trying to keep up behind them to fix up.
She went ahead and chose some things for Ebony to get, and they waited on line. They were waiting there when a fight broke out between two women over a car seat. The dispute seemed to be that one woman had the car seat first, and when she put it down for a second, another lady picked it up. They went from talking loudly to screaming, and it was real close to blows before one of the ladies' friends stepped in. Dakota couldn't tell who was getting away with the seat, but she lost interest when she saw she wasn't going to see a catfight.
They finished with their purchases and headed back out into busy Jamaica Avenue. They were walking back toward 165th, and coming toward them, she got a glimpse of a familiar face. There, from behind a crowd of people walking toward them, was David. She immediately wished that she could have hidden or disappeared. She didn't want him to see her like this, with her belly sticking out the way it was. She hadn't spoken to David in about a month or so, and she didn't know what he was up to.
He approached her with a warm smile, almost like he was watching his child graduate from high school. She wasn't sure how to interpret the look he was giving her, but before she knew it, he was right in front of her. He reached down and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey there, mother-to-be,” he said.
“Hey, Dave,” she said, laughing off his greeting.
She introduced him to Ebony, asked him what he was doing on Jamaica Avenue, and what he was up to. He said he had to pay his phone bill, and he knew someone in the Sprint store who let him cut the line. Otherwise he said he had been working and doing the same old thing. She didn't get the feeling from him that her pregnancy bothered him. She started to wonder if she had created in her mind that David cared a lot more about her than he did. It was like she was thinking that the sight of seeing her pregnant would break his heart. She didn't know why she thought that, because David was standing there, just talking and laughing as if he was just fine. He made reference to how cute she looked pregnant, and that he missed talking to her, but he seemed far from distraught. After a few minutes, they finally said their good-bye's and went their separate ways. He promised that he would call sometime soon, and she was really hoping he would.
When they walked away, Ebony asked her, “Was that another Dakota doing? He is cute.”
“Yeah, I've done the butt-naked dance with him quite a few times. There are still times I wish he was the baby's father.”
They both laughed, but deep down she meant that. David was a good man, and she messed up with him for her no-good Tony. Some women just don't learnâthey can have all of their priorities mixed up. It was a Saturdayâif she didn't hear from David by tomorrow evening, she was calling him. She needed to get her starting players warmed upâin three months the season would be back in.