Authors: Janine A. Morris
Diva Diaries (37 page)
85
Reality
I
t had been weeks, and Omar still hadn't replied to Jordan's letter. She called him once or twice to ask if he wanted to come see Jason, or wanted to discuss the letter, but he never answered her calls or returned them. On two different occasions, Jason would come home and tell her that his daddy came to see him at school. Other than that, there had been no trace of Omar. She was too embarrassed to call his mother to try to catch him, or pop up at his job and possibly cause a scene.
t had been weeks, and Omar still hadn't replied to Jordan's letter. She called him once or twice to ask if he wanted to come see Jason, or wanted to discuss the letter, but he never answered her calls or returned them. On two different occasions, Jason would come home and tell her that his daddy came to see him at school. Other than that, there had been no trace of Omar. She was too embarrassed to call his mother to try to catch him, or pop up at his job and possibly cause a scene.
His best friend Elton told her that he had been getting settled in his new apartment. She was tempted to get the address and just drop byâShe thought about it once or twice. She never did ask Elton for it, but she knew he would give it to her, because he, more than anybody, wanted her and Omar to reconnect. He had been their Cupid ever since they started having problems, and although in the past his arrow worked wonders, he couldn't quite fathom that this time he was shooting duds. So anything he could do to get them going in the right direction, he would, even if it meant getting Omar angry with him. He knew how stubborn Omar could be, and sometimes you have to show him what he needs. So even though she knew she could get it, she didn't ask. She wasn't ready to take any extreme measures, wasn't ready for what might happen, and she knew if she backed him in a corner he would lash out at her. She had to wait until he was ready.
She thought what bothered her the most was that he was hurting on the inside. Omar didn't have any siblings, and although he had other family and friends, at the end of the day, she and Jason were all he really had. Although she knew he would be fine, her guilt kept beating her up for taking them away from him. As she sat on the edge of her empty bed that she was used to sharing with Omar, thinking about these things, tears just started to roll down her face.
How did she get herself in this situation? All these years she had tried to be a faithful and decent wife, and here she was, doing what she'd tried to be the opposite of. Everyone can justify their actions, and why they leave their spousesâhow was she any better. She began to sob, and she didn't want Jason to hear her and come in her room asking questions, so she quickly headed for the bathroom.
She turned on the faucet to splash cold water on her face, but instead she sat on the toilet and sobbed some more. She had to let it out. It was a pain deep down inside of her; it felt like a pit way down in her soul, and she could actually feel it. There was nothing like a feeling of guilt, or at least nothing she had ever experienced. She was convinced that guilt and regret were the two worst feelings a human can ever experience, because all you have is yourself to beat up and blame.
On one hand, she was thankful that she was able to have Jayon in her life. Thankful that she was able to find happiness again, that there would be life after Omar. On the other hand, she knew that Omar had been her life, all of her adult life. She didn't understand why her heart was so made up and her mind was so confused. When she tried to even imagine being with Omar again, it didn't feel right. It was like her heart had given up on him. She still cared about him, and she still loved him, but she didn't want to belong to him anymore. Her heart had truly jumped a new beat for Jayon. She woke up and went to bed thinking about Jayonâshe wanted to be with him every minute of the day, and she was so happy with all of the possibilities that lay ahead for her and him. Her mind was clear, thoughâit knew very distinctly what she was doing was wrong. It knew that these were just untamed temptations and she needed to get a grip, but she couldn't. She had fallen in love again, and how do you tame that? It was a crazy feeling to feel guilty about being happy.
She was sitting on the toilet seat leaning over holding her stomach. She was trying to embrace herself, in hopes of comforting herself because nobody else could. Nobody could tell her what they thought, and nobody could hold her and make her feel better. Not even Jayon, because although she believed he was sincere, she knew his perspective was biased. Everybody she knew had an opinion about this, so they had chosen either to tell her how disgraceful she was or pretend they were on her side and understood. Even those who really did understand and thought she was right, they knew she was being hypocritical; it was still everything she'd said she would never do. So no matter how she sliced it, she was alone with this.
Just the thought of Omar sitting at home in his apartment without her hurt her. The thought of him missing her, or even weeping a tear, hurt her. She felt selfishâshe was putting herself first, and she didn't want to be that way. Still, she knew if she worked it out with Omar, that wouldn't be right, either, because she wouldn't be able to give her all or even what she had given before. Too much had changed. There would be too many broken hearts and unforgivable behavior. Even being torn between the two, she had no desire to be without either of them. If she could have it her way, she would have had Jayon as her man and Omar as her best friend, but she knew that Omar would never be willing to switch places with Jay. He would kill her or him before he did that.
As the sobs began to slow down, she finally made her way to the cold water that had been running. She took a handful and wiped her face with it. The chill from the cold water made her lose her breath for a second and calm down. She used a handful or two more until she had completely soothed herself. She looked in her bathroom mirrorâshe looked a hot mess. Her eyes were bloodshot red and her face was slightly puffy.
She made her way back to her bedroom and plopped herself down on the bed. She curled up with the pillow that she pulled from Omar's side of the bed, and she just let her brain wander, assessing her situation. She wanted to come to a final decision about whether she was doing the right thing and cling to it regardless of what anyone said. The only way she could do that is if the decision was best for her. Not Omar, not Jayon, not her family, not Jason, not her friends, but her.
86
Guilt Trip
C
hrasey looked at Jordan and said, “You know you're being a hypocrite.”
hrasey looked at Jordan and said, “You know you're being a hypocrite.”
Jordan let the steam from her tea tickle her nose before she took a tiny sip from her cup. Jordan and Chrasey had had a rough day at the office and met up for lunch for drinks and a bite to eat. They were in a small café on Twenty-third Street called The Diner. The name was as simple as the décor. The waitstaff wore jeans and white T-shirts with name tags, and they seemed to be understaffed. Although not Jordan's normal preference, the food was delicious and made up for the lack of customer service.
“This isn't the same. Omar left meâI didn't leave or cheat on him, and I never have,” she defended.
“You were still married,” Chrasey replied.
“Separated ... and as far as I knew, divorce papers were headed my way. I hadn't heard from him in months. Me not being with him has nothing to do with Jayonâit's Omar's fault we are not together.”
“What happened to, in a marriage you work things out?”
“Exactly, but he doesn't get that concept. I tried to tell him thatâI left him that on his voice mail. I tried that, but you can't work things out on your own. He left me without even explaining what the issue was, and let months go by. What he did was unacceptable, and even if I hadn't ended up with Jayon I wouldn't have wanted to get back together with him anyway,” Jordan said.
“You sure?” Chrasey said.
Jordan paused. No one had ever asked her thatâthey never asked if she was positive that she wouldn't have forgiven Omar despite Jayon being in the picture. After deep thought, she replied, “I would probably have worked things out, actually. I would have settled. I would have just let it go and moved on for the sake of Jason, for the sake of our history, and out of fear of not knowing if I had a better option.”
Chrasey just sipped her coffee and didn't reply, allowing what Jordan had said to resonate. Jordan took a glance around the diner. They were at one of the six filled tables. Three tables had what looked like couples seated at them; another table had two men seated, possibly gay, and there was a table with what looked like two business associates meeting, and another had two old women. Life was funny. Looking at some of their facial expressions and body language, Jordan wondered what they were thinking, and what life was like for them. Were those couples in love with each other and elated to be spending those moments together? Or were they just settling because it was another person willing to spend that time with them? Were they just together out of convenience? Had they been in love at one point and were holding on to what little was left of their passion for one another? The cycle of love is a crazy and funny one. Almost every person in life experiences it, and yet there are no experts who can truly tell us how to beat it. Even Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth struggle with the challenge.
It was 1:10 on a Tuesday afternoonâDakota couldn't meet them for lunch because she was busy at work, and that was fine by Jordan because she needed the understanding and viewpoint of a married woman. You want to believe that the vows you make on that day will last forever. Your dreams of growing old together don't feel unrealistic. The romance and affection feels like it will be endless. When you stand there at the altar, looking into your lover's eyes, you want life together to last forever. Before God and your friends and family, you affirm your commitment to this person, with great hope that you two will stand the test of time. Talk of divorce rate and infidelity don't matter to you, because what you have with this person is special, and those others who failed just didn't have what you two have. You're the most naive woman in the world on that day, and for most women, several months after. The day you wake up and realize that you, too, are on the verge of becoming a statistic is a rude, very rude, awakening.
“But too bad for himâI realized that I did have a better option. I didn't have to be treated like a cheating wife when I wasn't. I was just trying to be successful for my son and for me and him. Some husbands are proud of their wives and their success. I was torn between Omar and my career for years. He made me feel like a terrible wife and mother. He could have been supportive of my career,” Jordan blurted out of nowhere.
Chrasey didn't say anything. She just looked at her, not knowing what Jordan wanted her to say.
“I was supportive of
his
career. That damn restaurant of his kept him away from home more than I ever was. He almost missed seeing me give birthâI was always there for what mattered. He knew when I was in law school that I had goals; he obviously just hoped I didn't reach them, and when I did he was too damn selfish to be happy for me,” Jordan continued.
his
career. That damn restaurant of his kept him away from home more than I ever was. He almost missed seeing me give birthâI was always there for what mattered. He knew when I was in law school that I had goals; he obviously just hoped I didn't reach them, and when I did he was too damn selfish to be happy for me,” Jordan continued.
Before Chrasey could offer a rebuttal, Jordan added, “And I also realized I didn't have to put up with a relationship where we fight every day. I didn't have to accept him disappearing every time he had a freaking issue with me. He needed time thenâwell, dammit, he's got it now.”
All of that flew right off her tongue. It was frustration from being turned into the bad guy in this. It was her defense mode turned on towards a topic she had to defend to herself repeatedly.
“You sure you have no regrets?” Chrasey said. “You seem very emotional over this. It's like you're trying to convince yourself more than me.”
Jordan hated when people psychoanalyzed her, especially when they were right. She hated it because they forced her to think about things that she was either in denial about or knew were true but wanted to ignore. She felt like asking Chrasey,
Who are you, Dr. Phil now
? Instead she realized Chrasey was just being an honest friend and she should be thankful for that.
Who are you, Dr. Phil now
? Instead she realized Chrasey was just being an honest friend and she should be thankful for that.
“Chrasey, I'm not going to lie. This has been hard for me. The worst part is I feel guilty because I'm happy. How does someone get a taste of happiness and then give it up to be unhappy, all for the sake of someone else? When I used to hear spouses say or do things like that, I thought it was so selfish, and although in a way I still feel that is, now I understand. Sometimes you have to put yourself first,” Jordan said.
“I was one of those people you thought were selfish. I tried to explain to you that Trevor gave me a sense of myself back, and I needed that. Keith had taken so much of my identity and my spirit, that when Trevor came along it wasn't about just getting revenge on Keith, it was about getting from Trevor what Keith refused to give me. Trevor made me feel happy again, or as close to happy as I had felt in a long time,” Chrasey said.
“I know, Chrasey, and I apologize for that. All I could think of was your kids and your marriageânot once did I think of you. Although I don't condone infidelity, I can understand how Keith's actions forced you to take those measures. These men have to understand that they can't just take our love for granted,” Jordan said.
“Thanks, Jordan, for understanding, even though it's too late now,” Chrasey said with a little laugh.
“Yeah, I know my timing is always perfect with these things. Just like I want to fall for Jayon only months after Omar and I split. No, it couldn't wait a year or two so the world wouldn't think I was having an affair with Jayon all along, I had to fall right away,” Jordan said, managing to find her humorous side in the midst of it all.
“Well, Jordan, I know the relationship you and Jayon have has been magnetic from the day you guys met. He loves you and you love himâmaybe that's who God had in store for you all along. You and Omar have been arguing for fourteen yearsâit's very possible that he wasn't your soul mate and Jayon was. God does everything for a reason.”
Just the thought of her and Jayon made Jordan blush. “Chrasey, he is so sweet. He is so calm and caring. He does the cutest things for me. When I come into the office in the morning, I have a fresh cup of coffee or my white chocolate milk on my desk with a croissant. He will leave me little notes on my screen or instant messages just saying sweet stuff. Yet with all of the attention, he knows how to balance itâhe is not overbearing. He stays in his office for the most part to give me my space, then he goes about his day. I used to think it was to make sure it wasn't obvious to our colleagues and staff, but they know already. He just wants to give me plenty of room. He comes by at night and we just watch movies and TV, play games, talk, do work, pretty much everything. He is just the best of both worldsâhe is really my friend and my lover. But he has made it very clear to me if I wanted to get back with Omar, he would understand,” Jordan said, sounding embarrassed, like a teenager with a crush.
“Do you take offense at that?” Chrasey asked.
“No, because I truly feel that is the part of him that truly loves me. That's my best friend in him. He just wants me to do what makes me happiest.”
“And what is that, Jordan? Can you live with yourself if you choose Jayon?”
Not prepared for all the scrutiny, Jordan answered fast without really thinking about it, almost defensively. “Yes, I can. Jason will still have a relationship with Omar. Jason adores Jayon and always has, so he is not uncomfortable with him,” Jordan said.
Jordan then took a second to think. “Besides, Omar hurt me so bad with what he did, I could never let him that close to me again. So, the only logical option is to follow my heart. I can't go with my mind and conscience this time aroundâthey will lead me to worry about everyone but me, and I can safely say that I want to see where things go with Jayon,” she continued.
“Safely say? ... Truly feel that is the part of him that truly loves me?” Chrasey asked, laughing. “Jayon must be putting it on you.”
Jordan burst out laughing. They used to always say when one of them was open they would start talking that “sprung talk.” It had been too long for her to remember. “Good girls never tell,” she said, laughing.
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