Dancing Through Life (4 page)

There wasn’t much time to rest in that relief, though. In the live interview after our dance, cohost Erin Andrews wanted to know how I merged my faith with the dance of love.

Erin:
You talked a lot in the package about balancing your religious beliefs with a dance that’s sexy, with a show that’s sexy. How do you do it?

Me:
I feel like a sexual woman. I’ve been married for eighteen years. I am a sexual woman, but I want to reserve certain things for my husband, so we did, I think, the best that we could with a rumba I still felt comfortable doing.

Other than declaring my faith in Jesus Christ, that brief interaction became the most talked about part of my
DWTS
experience. For the most part, response to my statement was overwhelmingly positive. My Twitter feed and Facebook page blew up with comments from other women saying things like:

• “Thank you for showing you can be a Christian and not a prude!”
  
• “Thanks for saying that we as Christian women are sexual beings.”
  
• “It’s because we want to save some things for our husbands that we don’t have to let it all hang out.”
  
• “Thanks for showcasing that God created sex as a gift!”
  
• “I am thankful for your candor. I see you as a role model for my teenage daughters who often hear a warped view of sex.”
  

While the response was overwhelmingly positive, some people expressed genuine concern. Online and through my social media networks some people worried out loud that it was not a safe thing for me to be dancing a sensual dance with a man who is not my husband. Some argued that my public stance to live out my faith while on the show and my commitment to modesty were in conflict, specifically with this dance.

Heading into the live show where I would dance the rumba, I knew there was the potential for me to ignite a firestorm of controversy. Remember those praying friends? I depended on them heavily, especially when I sensed that my convictions might not be universally received. During this week of competition I specifically asked them to pray that the modesty I portrayed on stage would be a good reflection of Christ and not lead to division in the body of Christ (a.k.a. the church), even if it didn’t fit the mold of what everyone thought I should or should not be doing. Those girls got busy praying, and God answered them by opening up a dialogue about what His standards really look like.

What Is Modesty Exactly?

I already knew that the opinions of others outside of my community weren’t good building blocks for my personal convictions. But their concerns helped me vet my own beliefs. I had to ask myself, what is modesty, exactly? What specific parameters are outlined for us in God’s Word?

Modesty
is a word found only a couple of times in Scripture. One of the most famous passages on the subject is 1 Timothy 2:9–10. The apostle Paul is writing to Timothy, a young pastor of a growing church when he says, “Also, the women are to dress themselves in modest clothing, with decency and good sense, not with elaborate hairstyles, gold, pearls, or expensive apparel, but with good works, as is proper for women who affirm that they worship God.”

This passage says that women of faith should be modest, but what is modesty exactly? We tend to reduce the conversation about modesty to a list of rules about what we should or should not wear, but the Bible doesn’t do that. Yes, this is a passage about what it should look like to be a woman of faith, but it’s not a dress code. There’s no hem length mentioned here. No black-and-white rules about sleeves or no sleeves or the exact right place for a Christian woman’s neckline. In fact, this verse is less about the kind of clothing we wear and more about God’s intention that we clothe ourselves with qualities that reflect Him.

Notice that right after Paul tells Timothy that women should dress modestly and avoid appearances designed to draw attention, that he makes it clear what all women of faith should wear—“decency and good sense.” Obviously, those aren’t things that hang in my closet! But I can make sure that when people look at me, they see me doing good things for others rather than trying to grab all of the attention for myself. This is just a puzzle piece in the bigger picture of God’s heart for modesty presented in His Word.

• Matthew 6:28–30 tells us not to be preoccupied with clothes, but instead to focus on the things of God.
  
• 1 Corinthians 6:19–20 says that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, I am called to honor God with my body.
  
• 1 Peter 3:3–4 says that true beauty is internal. Nothing I could ever put on and nothing I could ever take off can give me the kind of true, lasting beauty that comes from Christ working in me.
  
• 1 Peter 5:5–6 urges us to clothe ourselves with humility.
  
• Proverbs 31:25 describes a woman who is clothed in strength and dignity (
  esv
  ).
  
• Psalm 132:9 talks about being clothed with righteousness.
  

Instead of passing down a list of rules for what I wear, the Bible encourages me to “wear” the qualities of Christ. While costuming became one front where I repeatedly had the opportunity to stand with conviction on the show, I knew that making choices about what I would or wouldn’t wear wasn’t the most important way to showcase my identity in Christ. I needed to consistently “clothe” myself in the things that Christ modeled and then called me to—holiness, true beauty, humility, strength, dignity, and righteousness.

While online chatter tended to focus on what I wore, I wanted to focus on who I am. I am a daughter of Christ! I am a happily married woman. I am a mom of three beautiful kids. I want them to be proud of me and see what it means to stand for something when they look at my life.

When you take a stand for something, you open up the door for scrutiny. Being a celebrity tends to magnify that, but I don’t want to be the poster child for a dress code. Instead, I’d love to help open dialogue about clothing ourselves in the things that truly matter. I want to use the platform God has given me to point women toward a different kind of wardrobe.

Colossians 3:12 says it this way, “Therefore, God’s chosen ones, holy and loved, put on heartfelt compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.”

The best accessories aren’t the clothes in my closet or the jewelry in my dresser. Instead, I want to showcase the qualities of Christ. When people look at me, I hope they see compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

How about you? When people look at you, what do you hope they see? Beyond just your hair and face and makeup, what’s your image? What makes you, you? Why not take a minute to think about your image right now. (Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere.) In the space below write out the qualities you hope other people see in you.

A Pretty Heart

One of my favorite stories in the Bible is found in 1 Samuel 16. The prophet Samuel is given the task of choosing a new king for Israel. He knows the king will come from the household of Jesse, so Samuel makes the trek to Jesse’s house. When he tells Jesse he is there to anoint the next king, Jesse parades his sons in front of Samuel, starting with the oldest. Jesse’s sons are big and strong and impressive, but Samuel senses that none of them are to be chosen as king. In the middle of that story, we find a gem that shows where God’s really looking when He looks at us.

“But the L
ord
said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or his stature, because I have rejected him.
Man does not see what the L
ord
sees, for man sees what is visible, but the L
ord
sees the heart
’” (1 Sam. 16:7, emphasis mine).

Jesse ended up parading seven of his sons in front of Samuel. But God rejected every single one of them. Why? Because God wasn’t looking for the biggest and tallest son to be king. He didn’t need someone extra handsome or extra rugged. God wanted someone with a heart like His. Here’s a snapshot of how Samuel finally found him.

Samuel:
Is this everybody?

Jesse:
Well . . . actually there is one more. He’s the baby of the family. I’m sure he’s not king material, so I told him to stick with the sheep.

Samuel:
I’ll decide who’s king material. Go and get him.

“So Jesse sent for him. He had beautiful eyes and a healthy, handsome appearance. Then the L
ord
said, ‘Anoint him, for he is the one’” (v. 12).

That handsome boy was David and he would go on to be one of the greatest kings in Israel’s history. He wrote much of the book of Psalms and turned the hearts of the entire nation toward God. Sure, he was handsome, but it wasn’t his external appearance that impressed God. In 1 Samuel 13:14 God describes David as a “man according to His heart.”

Society may have been looking for a big and tall king, a strong king or an intimidating king. But God wasn’t looking at external stuff. God peeked into the inside and chose a king who would show off the things of God.

Sure, what we wear matters, but I didn’t speak up about modesty on
DWTS
because I wanted to stick to some list of fashion rules that “they” consider modest. (Who are “they” anyway?) I wasn’t interested in sparking a conversation about external stuff. I get that that’s where our culture tends to focus. I live in a world that seems to be all about external appearances. But that’s not where the Lord is looking for my beauty. He looks at my heart. I wanted to portray a modest heart, one clothed in the qualities of God like humility, righteousness, holiness, and strength. A heart filled with that kind of good stuff that can’t help but ooze out from the inside to the outside.

As I look back on my
DWTS
journey, I hope that I sparked a conversation about something bigger than midriffs and hemlines. My specific convictions in those areas might not be your convictions, but they are true to my understanding of God’s heart for modesty. They do fit through the filter of what my husband thinks is okay. And they are an external reflection of who I am on the inside.

Hide It Under a Bushel? No!

Erin’s question at the end of the rumba was confirmation that the show’s producers wanted me to be portrayed as a woman of faith. For each pre-show video package the producers cut hundreds of hours of footage, during many of which I didn’t talk about my faith at all. But I think the producers realized early on how much my Christian walk related to some of the audience so they chose to piece together a storyline that in some way related to my faith and my family.

It wasn’t my mission to go on
DWTS
and launch a conversation about modesty. Just like it wasn’t necessarily my mission to go on the show and talk about my faith. It was always my mission to be true to who I am. It wasn’t my primary goal to share Jesus Christ with the world, but that’s a big part of who I am. It’s natural that I would want to talk about it. Likewise, being a happily married woman committed to saving parts of myself for my husband is who I am. It’s natural that I would want to talk about that too.

It reminds me of that old song you might have sung in Sunday school about our “light.”

“Hide it under a bushel? No! I’m gonna let it shine!”

That sweet little children’s song actually comes from a sermon that Jesus preached.

“You are the salt of the earth. . . . You are the light of the world. A city situated on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a lamp and puts it under a basket, but rather on a lampstand, and it gives light for all who are in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father in heaven.” (Matt. 5:13–16)

I want to shine like a bright light for Jesus in all areas of my life. I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to shine for Jesus on the giant platform that came with
DWTS
, but I also want to shine for Him when it’s just my family and me at home.

Sometimes, we tend to overromanticize being salt and light. Jesus was clear that not everyone would get it when we used our lives to point the spotlight toward Him. That was part of my experience too. Some people accused me of being “too Christian” or criticized me for “pushing my religion.” Looking back, it’s clear to me that I wasn’t shoving, I was shining! Standing with conviction and shining the spotlight on Jesus won’t always be met with a standing ovation, but we should do it anyway! Jesus has changed me from the inside out. I can’t help but point others toward Him.

Hide it under a bushel? No way! I’m gonna let it shine. The next round of competition would offer the chance for me to shine brighter than ever before!

Chapter 4

“Do not grieve, because the joy of
the L
ord
is your stronghold.”

—Nehemiah 8:10

D
o you have a most memorable year?

Mine is 1995. It was the year we first gained access to the World Wide Web. (What did we ever do without it?) It was the year eBay was founded, right in my home state of California! And do you remember when we had to rewind movies after watching them on VCRs? Well, 1995 changed all of that thanks to the release of the DVD. That was good news because it was also the year we all first fell in love with Woody and the gang from
Toy Story
. (No rewinding required!) But for me, 1995 was so significant because it was filled with life-altering changes.

In my third week of
DWTS
competition, the contestants were asked to highlight our most memorable year. I chose 1995 because it was the year that
Full House
ended and Val proposed. It was a transition that moved me away from childhood and into adulthood. I went from one family, my
Full House
family, to my new family with Val as my husband. I was thrilled to share my memories from that year with the millions of fans who were watching the show.

Maybe it’s because 1995 was such an important and exciting year for me. Maybe I was simply finding my stride in figuring out how to use this opportunity to shine. Either way, week three was one of my favorite weeks on the show.

As I headed into rehearsals, I had a high under my belt from the first show, when I impressed the judges with my secret contemporary dance skills! I also had a low under my belt from falling short being a fish out of water too quick in week two with my rumba. While I did feel a little whiplash from those two extreme reactions, I also felt like I could move forward on more even ground. I considered it a clean slate and decided it was time to let go of expectations and the pressure I was feeling as a result. I’m not sure I realized the full weight of that pressure. Once I set those burdens down I had a lot more bounce in my step. I finally felt free to enjoy the ride.

A
Full House
Tribute

My life was dramatically impacted by my role as D.J. Tanner on
Full House.
In addition to launching me toward the bright lights of stardom and locking in my passion for acting,
Full House
introduced me to some of the most important people in my world. The cast of the show truly became my second family.

As I thought about how to showcase my most memorable year, I knew I wanted to pay tribute to
Full House
. I couldn’t think of a better way to do that than dancing to an Elvis song. Elvis was almost his own character on
Full House
with John Stamos always acting like Elvis and having Elvis impersonators on the show. Elvis was such a strong presence on our show he almost deserved his own dressing room! So, Mark and I decided to celebrate my most memorable year by dancing to “Blue Suede Shoes.” As if that wasn’t fun enough, we were assigned the jive—an upbeat, fast-paced dance that was a great fit for my personality.

Reliving such a pivotal year while learning a happy dance was fun enough, but the experience was made even sweeter by the support I received from my former
Full House
castmates Lori Loughlin and Andrea Barber. You might know them best as Aunt Becky and best friend Kimmy Gibbler. They made a special trip to the rehearsal studio to support and encourage me. Andrea and Scott Weinger, who played my boyfriend Steve on the show, were also in the audience for the live show that week. They joined with John Stamos, Dave Coulier, and Bob Saget (a.k.a. Uncle Jesse, Joey, and Danny Tanner) in rallying for votes through social media. They couldn’t all make it to the set, but all of the cast members were extremely supportive. It was exciting to show the world that even after all these years, we are still such a huge part of each other’s lives. Their cheers joined the chorus coming from my family and friends and fed into the excitement and joy I was feeling at this point in the journey.

I needed all of that love and support to carry me through the physical side of learning a jive. The jive is supposed to be lively and uninhibited. Cue: “Dancing Queen” music . . . “You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life; ooh, see that girl, watch that scene, diggin’ the dancing queen!” I bet at least your toes were tapping as you thought of that song. The jive makes everyone want to move! It is a dance that is really fun to watch and do, but it’s very physically demanding. It’s fast and involves a lot of hopping up and down. Rehearsals made me feel like I was in a cardio exercise class for hours! To top it off, this was the week of competition when our practice times were lengthened from four to six hours. We literally clocked in and clocked out for each rehearsal. We were not allowed to stay longer than our allotted time and were not permitted to rehearse off site. Our contracts made it clear that any couples that violated these rules would be instantly kicked off the show. Betcha didn’t know dancing could be such serious business!

The length of our dance also increased by fifteen seconds this week. In real life, fifteen seconds feels like nothing. I can’t even answer an e-mail in that amount of time! But as I was listening to “Blue Suede Shoes” for the first time in rehearsals, I could sense the difference that fifteen seconds could make in the dance world. I could almost feel how many more steps I was going to have to take. It made my body hurt just thinking about it! As we rehearsed, I learned just how precious and taxing fifteen seconds could be.

Attitude Is Everything

While I was determined to enjoy myself, that didn’t always happen naturally. I picked up the steps to the jive very easily to Mark’s surprise, but when I tried to merge those steps into a fluid routine adding choreographed arm movements, I just couldn’t seem to do it. I was so frustrated! It was obvious to me that I wasn’t dancing at the pace I wanted to be and that bothered me.

Remember how I told you that Mark was a very patient instructor? That’s true! In general, his approach with me was gentle and I responded well to that. But a good coach also knows when to push his student, and this week Mark pushed me to respond differently to the challenges I was facing. To put it bluntly, he called me out on my bad attitude.

He said, “Your attitude is everything, so that’s coming across in your movements and how you’re dancing.”

Mark warned me, “As soon as the song starts I can already see in your body language and in your face that you’re not going to get through this routine.”

He pointed out that the reason I did so well in week one was that I enjoyed myself. He knew from experience that the mental game is what starts separating the pack of contestants on
DWTS
. People who start getting mentally frustrated will get eliminated because the pressure will ultimately accompany them onto the dance floor. I didn’t want my frustrations to lead to elimination. I knew I had to find a way to shake it off.

Mark approached me like a parent would approach a child who was letting their circumstances get the best of them. He told me to take a fifteen-minute break, breathe deep, and come back with a different attitude. None of that made it past the editing floor as the producers told our story for the show. This is the behind-the-scenes scoop you didn’t see if you were watching us live. But it was such an important part of the process for me. I learned lessons in that rehearsal studio that changed how I want to respond in my life moving forward.

Because attitude really is everything.

Philippians 2:5 says it this way, “Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus.”

If we keep reading that passage, we see that’s a tall order!

Who, existing in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be used for His own advantage. Instead He emptied Himself by assuming the form of a slave, taking on the likeness of men. And when He had come as a man in His external form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death—even to death on a cross. (Phil. 2:6–8)

Jesus’ attitude was humble and sacrificial. He chose to respond to His circumstances with love, patience, and gentleness. I won’t do it perfectly, but I want to live like the Bible calls me to and choose an attitude that mirrors Christ’s.

But how?

When we are frustrated or discouraged or sad or anxious, how do we respond like Jesus did? Sometimes we just have to choose it.

My son Lev is a fact machine. He’s always sharing nuggets of information. Maybe he will win big on a trivia show someday! One of his favorite details he’s shared with me is that it’s a scientific fact that if you can force a smile, you can’t help but have an attitude change. He’s right! Did you know that researchers have found that smiling, especially when it’s a big smile that travels all the way up to our eyes, produces a change in brain activity that corresponds with a happier mood? Even if you’re faking it in the moment, if you can get the corners of your mouth to turn up and your eyes to light up, your brain will go into happy mode. Researchers have also found that people who smile have lower heart rates after completing a stressful task compared to those with a neutral or negative expression. No doubt, competing on the show was stressful at times, but I could help manage my body’s response simply by choosing to smile through the journey. On the flipside, frowns have been shown to increase the body’s stress response.
3
Attitude really is everything!

Researchers haven’t just discovered that smiles impact the face they are planted on. Their effect is contagious! If one person sees another person smiling, mirror neurons will light up in the watcher’s brain as if he is smiling himself. We can positively impact the attitudes of others just by flashing our pearly whites.
4

Not being able to get the hang of the jive was one of those moments when I simply didn’t feel like smiling. I was frustrated with myself but I knew, thanks to Mark’s coaching and Lev’s factoids, that if I could force a smile, it would change my attitude. So, I stepped off the dance floor for a break. I took a few deep breaths and asked the Lord to change my attitude. I envisioned my parents when they are dancing, and I determined to have as much fun as I’ve seen them have.

You know what? It worked!

There was a noticeable change right away. I stepped back on the dance floor and we went through the routine again. I sure felt different as I danced! Even the producers noticed. They didn’t typically offer commentary, but the next time we worked through the routine they said they saw a night-and-day difference. My smile had flipped the switch! Mark said, “That’s what I’m talking about. You changed your attitude and it changed everything.”

That’s a lesson that goes way beyond the dance floor. When I am frustrated with my kids, a smile has the power to diffuse the situation and remind me of how much fun they are. In my marriage, simply smiling at my husband will cause neurons to light up in his brain that will lead to lower stress and increased happiness. As I interact with others through work, church, and friendship, my attitude will impact the quality of those relationships.

My circumstances may not always be happy, but I can still choose to respond with joy. In fact, that was something I heard over and over from people who watched the show. They said:

• “Thank you for being joyful.”
  
• “Thanks for responding with joy even when the judges were being critical.”
  
• “I could see joy all over your face.”
  

Choosing joy is God’s idea! It’s a theme woven throughout His Word.

• Galatians 5:22 lists joy as the fruit of the Spirit. It is what hangs from our lives because of Jesus.
  
• 1 Chronicles 16:33 says that God made even the trees of the forest to sing for joy. Ever seen a beautiful tree swaying in the breeze? That’s joy on display!
  
• Esther 8:16 says that God’s people have light and joy and gladness and honor. Joy is one of the hallmarks of believers.
  
• In Psalm 5:11 and Psalm 68:3 God commands us to be joyful.
  
• 2 Corinthians 7:4 says we can be overflowing with joy even in times of affliction.
  

Joy isn’t the same as happiness. Happiness is totally dependent on external circumstances. If things go well, we are happy. If things don’t go well, those happy feelings end. Joy comes from something deeper and more significant. It is not dependent on circumstances, but is a consistent, unsinkable response to what Christ has done for us, instead of what is currently happening to us.

My friend, and one of my favorite Bible teachers, Angela Thomas said it this way, “JOY defined—the inner attitude of rejoicing in one’s situation regardless of outward circumstances. One of the fruits of a right relationship with God.”
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(Angela is so wise! You’ll read more from her later.)

Whew! That’s good stuff, but it can also be a hard truth to wrestle with. Joy is the right response because of what God has done for us. Difficult circumstances cannot erase His love for us. Tough times cannot change what He has done for us. So, no matter what we face, we always have cause for joy. But joy also works like a barometer for the state of my heart. If I’m joy deficient, my focus is off.